Your turn – what’s on your mind today?


Some of the introverts on the  Facebook page requested a place to talk to each other without it being right out there on Facebook! I have created forums in the past and they just never got many posts, so how about this – here’s one post you folks can all comment on, and you can click Reply under someone else’s comment if you care to carry on a little conversation. If this post works well today, then I’ll put up more in the future to give us fresh spaces to talk. So – how’s it going?



  1. What’s on my mind today? I’m marvelling at the patience and understanding of my non-introvert girlfriend. Recently we tried living together, but my need for “space” and privacy made it impossible to sustain. But rather than dump me for being such a prima donna, she was willing to rent a new apartment and revert to us meeting up 2 or 3 times a week. I’m very thankful.
    AJ´s last post ..Walking a fine line

    • She’s a keeper and you’re very lucky. It’s great when our loved ones get it and realize our need for time alone is not a personal slight.

    • I know two people who are married and live in adjoining houses!
      If you try again, you may want to try with a larger apartment or a rented house.
      Good luck to you. It sounds like you’re moving in the right direction, finding your way.

    • I was in the same boat with my extraverted man. I found out that I needed to encourage him to spend time with his friends ‘giving me the house to myself to recharge’; it also makes me look like the awesome partner (his friends often comment on this) since I have no problem with him being out ;). He gets the contact/energy he needs and he knows I am happy at home. However, I had to really drill this in to him to begin with (at least the first couple of years), but we are both in a place and have been for a while (14 years far – no kids 🙂 ) where it’s not even an issue. He still has guilt trips leaving me by myself, but he’s gotten to the point that he finally really listens when I say ‘I’d rather be at home’. I still love spending my time with him, if…big if…,it’s just him, when his friends come over, I tend to keep to myself in the house, luckily we have a ‘man cave’ where they all gather so I have little of the guilt associated with not socializing (again, the boys think I’m amazing because he is ‘allowed’ to have a man cave). When we do go out to socialize, he knows to let me know far in advance so I can plan and prepare myself to do so, and when I do, and I’ve had the time to prepare, I really enjoy myself. I think the main thing is being open and honest with your partner and what your needs and expectations are. If you and you partner can do this, you can make any relationship work. If you can’t communicate, then maybe you need to reconsider why you want it to work… or…you will at least find out that it won’t work early on and you can both make an informed decision on whether or not the relationship will survive. We are so in to ourselves, and that’s 99% of the problem. If it’s serious, you have to share your survival ultimatums or it won’t survive anyways.

  2. I’m taking a road trip next week with my daughter and 2 grandsons ( ages 6 and 9). My daughter is very intense and when she gets passionate she talks really fast. My grandsons are great kids, normal and chatty but they are not bratty. I’m worried about me keeping my sanity for the week with my lovely drama queen daughter.

      • Vicki, I wish……. I can explain myself to her though without her taking it personally, and I’ve got a portable DVD player with headphones for the boys. I’ll hope that the conversation stays off of politics, and everything else that she thinks is wrong with the country 🙂

    • Take a lot of breaks while driving, look for roadside tours/local interest things. It allows you to walk ahead or go to the bathroom to gather yourself. It also allows the kids to run around as they often seem to need to do. Your daughter will be so busy looking after the kids, you should be able to get a few minutes to recharge. You can also try listening to music that she enjoys and that she will sing to if she hears it (only if you are okay with background noise, I’ve always found that it allows me one of those mindless moments that I seek when traveling). You may have to be honest and tell her how important this is for you…to have her give you the time and space. Even if it’s only 5 or 10 minutes, sometimes for myself, that’s all it takes. I have begun to look at introversion from an extravert’s perspective…as an illness (like being afraid of spiders or having a sensitivity to something… something that can’t be really be ‘fixed’), not so much in the negative sense, but in a way that the extraverted society actually understands…kind of like an allergy. When they are finally told, I always get the ‘oh, oh, sorry, I didn’t realize…’ thing, and then I’m pretty much left alone. Which is exactly what I wanted. 🙂

  3. Being frustrated at my own introverted-ness today. I have a bunch of opportunities to be social and energetic tonight, but I was “out” and “on” last night, and will be again Thursday night… so I’m contemplating just staying home and watching tv and eating frozen pizza. Because honestly that’s what I most *want* to do, even though I feel like I *should* go to yoga class, or a diet support group, or meet friends at the pub…

    Sometimes I have trouble differentiating between mental and physical energy, I guess? I feel like even though I’m in my early 30s, have no kids, and work from home, I don’t have the “energy” to go out three weeknights in a row. But is it physical energy? or the “mental energy” that goes with interacting with friends, strangers, or even my spouse in social settings?

    • Jane – I understand completely. My husband and I have something scheduled the next 3 evenings out and these are all things I want to do, but the I know I will be exhausted by the week’s end. And I will really, really, really be looking forward to an evening in my comfy pjs with my laptop and my doggie next to me. I think it’s a little bit of both physical & mental energy that gets used up.

    • Sometimes what you think you “should” do and what you really need to do are not the same thing. You think you “should” go to yoga class. What you “need” is a night on the couch with the TV and a frozen pizza. I think you “should” do what you “need”. Take the night off, heat up a frozen pizza and watch something dopey on TV.

      • Jane, I am right there with you. It’s exhausting and if I have two nights in a row out then I HAVE to have a night to myself. It does get frustrating that I can’t be like the majority of other people….introverted living in an extroverted world isn’t easy.

    • I have wondered the same thing myself…whether I am really physically fatigued or just need time to myself.

      I do know that I obsess when I have too many out days in a week. Even when they are fun things I worry about being tired. I would like to be more resilient.

      • I hear you Judy. I actually looked at my social calendar last week and realized I had opportunities to go out/be social etc. 10 days in a row! I promptly declined half the invitations and felt better immediately.

        Sometimes my test of whether or not I really want to do something (go to a party or book club meeting, see a popular play, attend an out-of-town conference, etc.) is to imagine the event were suddenly cancelled. Would I feel disappointed, or relieved? If relieved is the answer, maybe I shouldn’t go. I do try to gauge the extent to which I would eventually regret not attending though. It’s kind of a constant cost-benefit analysis, and a process of learning to trust your gut. Some days I feel like I do it well, but other days I think it’s hopeless that I will ever completely figure myself out!

      • Judy – I know what you mean. I go through what I call the “post networking crash”. Even when I have fun at an event, by the time I get home I feel absolutely drained. I always thought there was something wrong with me until I realized that I have a good portion of Introvert in me and that it’s perfectly normal. We just don’t get energy from social events. I think a part of the drained feeling was because I felt bad about feeling so bad! LOL! It’s gotten better since I realized all of this.
        Kelly´s last post ..Networking Events that Inspire

    • Jane – Don’t feel guilty about staying in when you already have two events planned for the week. I teach people how to network in a way that fits their own style and here is my usual advice in this situation. You get to decide how much is too much. If you need one night to stay at home and recharge so you can make the most of the next event, then do it! Network in a way that works for you or you’ll eventually hate it so much that you won’t do it all.
      Kelly´s last post ..Networking Events that Inspire

    • Bottom line is, nobody knows what your life schedule is. You could have multipe invites and have to decide which ones to go to. You can lie and say you have another event planned…your couch…or your can be honest and say you have too many invites and you need a break. I have really found honesty, even though it is so uncomfortable, works so much better and you never have the guilt of being caught.

  4. Grateful to be in a good place as an introvert. I have the opportunity to start a home business with a few like-minded friends and to make an office out of my garden patio which i am very excited about. The regular rumbling complaints from extroverted mammals (go out more, do more, talk more, wiggle, jiggle) dont bother me as much as it used to say, 10 years ago. Because everytime they do, i’ve managed to effortlessly prove to myself and to them i can be just as spectacular in that area as anyone else but just choose not to enslave myself to it lol. It’s all about mental control and using it like a weapon haha. Having a spiritual paradigm helps me a lot, kinda like a social navigator. 😕 In the end of the day, the sacred fantastical places inside my head give me the most contentment. Stay strong, fellow introverts.

  5. On my mind today is how difficult it is to be involved in a long-term job search. Every time I apply for a job, it’s like putting my resume in an (environmentally friendly, water-soluble) bottle and tossing it into the ocean of possibilities. I have to let go, not get my hopes up, forget all about that application as soon as it’s been sent. For an HSP introvert like me, this is a high stress process. I would much rather retreat to my couch and my cats and pull a blanket over my head.

    It’s nice to have places like this where I can come and “be” with similarly-minded folks.

    Maryam, especially, you’re a role-model! I loved your post.

    • I can relate to that. I was unemployed for a long time, and it was crap, especially the psyching oneself up to send out CV’s/write letters or even worse, go for interviews. Bleaurghhh! I feel ya.

      Currently I am employed (hoorah) for fewer hours than I’d like… but the thought of getting back on that merry-go-round, even to find a secondary job, which I would quite like, is just too exhausting to even contemplate, for me right now… .

      Good luck with it all.

    • Just curious, what is HSP intovert, is it the High Stress Process that you referred to or is this an actual clasification. (Question mark – sorry my laptop is having issues with certain punctuation marks…stupid technology…still love it though. 🙂 )

      • HSP == Highly Sensitive Person.
        HSPs account for 15 to 20% of the population. We’re more aware than others of subtleties. We notice sounds, smells, sights. We’re may be more easily distracted by what we notice. We’re more easily overwhelmed.
        While approx 70% of HSPs are introverts, 30% are extraverts!
        See for information (and a self-test).

  6. What’s going on? Well, yesterday, I resigned from a position I have held for 6 years because the work model has gone from individual contribution to group-everything. Our cubes were taken away, our privacy was violated (and completely removed), and the work atmosphere is chaotic.

    Now, I didn’t do this on the spur of the moment. I have been trying to deal with this for 2 1/2 years, but finally realized: I can’t deal with this situation, it’s not going away, and I must quit to retain my sanity.

    So, that’s what’s going on with me today. Not a great thing, in that I am giving up a very solid income and benefits, simply due to the capricious decision of one person.

    • Oh, GHarkness, this is terrible! 2 1/2 years of stress and now you’ve realized you can’t save it.

      I lost a 5+ year job I enjoyed last November (manager resigned, new manager didn’t understand the need for what I did) so I know something of what you’re going through. We still had cubes, but for the last year I was on a short aisle that connected two major corridors, 20 ft from the break room. Oh the NOISE and disruption!

      I wish you well in finding something new, pleasing to your mind, supportive of your interests, and commensurate with your experience.

      Many times, our lives are upset by the capricious decisions of one person (or so it certainly seems)

    • I feel your pain. The last job I had was in an open concept office – 10 people all in one room. It was unbearable. I now freelance from home, but unfortunately, the work is few and far between at the moment. I hope you find something suitable and soon.

    • Hello GHarkness. I can also relate to your situation. I worked for my company for years. My problem was not so much with cubicles, it was my interaction (or lack there-of) with my co-workers. I was always referred to as the quiet one who ate her lunch at her desk and never joined in with the other ladies in the lunch room. In one of my employee evaluations I actually got bad marks for not being a team player and not letting other get to know me. I was so angry at this bad mark on my record. I always gave my work 100% and was good at my job. Like Vicki mentioned my desk was within ear-shot of the lunch room too and the conversation was so childish, mean and rude to others I just didn’t want to be a part of it/them. I do not consider myself a snob, but I feel sometimes if people aren’t gossiping about others they feel they are missing out. I can’t conform to that mentality.

      • At one company where I worked we all had (small 🙂 offices with doors (doors!!).
        One co-worker (programmer) got dinged by his manager on his performance review because he closed his door on occasion. His response was: Why did they give us doors if we’re not supposed to close them??
        (I had a different manager. If my manager’s door was closed, it meant he was busy and you should send email first. 🙂

        • LOL. 😀 I don’t get it! I would give anything to have a door. As long a you do your job to the best of your ability, your interaction with others shouldn’t be an issue.

    • I just read that the OPEN PLAN office design is out…cubes are back because most workers (even chatty ones) find the noise level and distractions too much. Fortunately, though I work in an open plan we can use earphones . I listen to podcasts which really helps.

      • It would be nice if they got rid of the open plan. However, in the company I just left, they have invested more than $20 million in the new design. It’s so new in fact that the department I was in hasn’t actually moved in to their newest location yet. That’ won’t happen until December. I expect that this will last another ten years before they realize their failure and come up with a better design, if for no other reason than people hate to admit that they failed. In the meantime, the employees that remain there (I’m still friends with most of them) are dreading the move to an even more open space.

        In the meantime, I have returned as a contract worker to the same company, but working in a different department with cubicles. Small, but at least they have a tiny measure of privacy, and I have the added advantage of being permitted to arrive at work two hours before everyone else, which gives me a good bit of time to not have to interface with others. In the meantime, I know this job will only last until the end of January and I’ll be needing to do something else productive. I’m working on finding home solutions for that.
        gharkness´s last post ..Stasior moves to Siri, Kindle Smartphone, Brazil Kindle Store, and more

      • I interviewed at a company that had an open plan office. Just tables, each large enough for 8 people. It was more like a coffee shop than an office. I knew I couldn’t possibly work there.

        Even cubicles are too noisy for me. In my past job (before I moved to the aisle between two corridors <>) I was in a standard “cubicle farm” in one wing of a large building with few internal walls. 80+ cubicles and no sound baffles.

        When I complained about noise and distractions, our Sr VP wrote back that he thought it sounded like an Excellent way to work with Many Opportunities for Spontaneous Collaboration! (If your execs don’t “get it”, nothing is going to change.)

        • Ugh…the spontaneous collaboration argument is sooo lame…because most folks are so overworked they don’t have time for it…but yes, you are right, Vicki, that management rarely wants to admit an expensive mistake…and last time I looked most upper level mgt had doors on their OFFICES with the obligatory OPEN DOOR POLICY disclaimer!

    • I completely sympathize, we just got an extraverted boss (I say ‘just’ because each day is like the nightmare you wake up from thinking…this can’t be real ….3 1/2 years later….). All he wants is group meetings, so he can state his feelings, his thoughts, his plans, no discussions, no feedback…blah, blah, blah, nothing gets done, nothing is clear, nothing is ever finalized because there are always exceptions. I have been able to hold out so far, but only because every day I just keep waiting for him to say he’s found a better job in a different city (he’s a big city boy moving to a small city world and often comments on how there’s nothing to do here). I really enjoy my work (honestly) so I really have had to struggle to make it work for me. Every day we are bombarded with questions that we (my intoverted coworker, who really has a hard time with noise) have answered numerous times. I used to be really good at gathering information through osmosis, but now I tune everything out unless it’s given to me directly, so I feel like I have started a new job because I really don’t know what’s going on any more. It’s disconcerting, but I keep thinking, I will out-last him…

    • Gharkness, I suffered for many years in a “great” job for which I was completely unsuited. I was good at it because I knew what was required and forced myself to do it…well. My then girlfriend (now wife) often tells the story of listening to me push myself to get out of bed each morning and proceed to my own personal well-paying hell hole. I left several years ago (to much derision from family and friends)… and now do something that I enjoy immensely and which does not require me to interact with a soul.

      I suggest looking at this as a fresh start and an opportunity to put yourself in a position that appreciates you and all of your introvert qualities…
      Taost´s last post ..Simple Trade Alert – IDTI – Update 28 August 2013

  7. I spent part of the afternoon going around a ‘Corporate Hospitality’ event. Lots of people busy chatting, networking, extraverting. I just picked my way through the crowd to get to the areas that I needed to get to, and to get out as quickly as I could.

    It was a great experience, but I couldn’t do that sort of thing for a living. Really draining!
    Colin Machan´s last post ..Who am I?

    • You did it right!

      I recommend the book: Networking for People Who Hate Networking, by Devora Zack. It’s very helpful in understanding that we don;t have to handle events ike this the way “they tell us we should!

  8. Last night I almost ran out of gas. As I was driving to the nearest gas station I was thinking of who I could call if I didn’t make it. Couldn’t think of a soul.

    My introvert husband is traveling out of town this week. We are extremely happy and lucky to have one another. We are the best of friends and spend almost all of our spare time together – so much so that we have pretty much isolated ourselves from the rest of the world.

    Most times I am comfortable with the fact that I’m and an introvert and don’t have other close friends . Last night freaked me out a little though. I can join AAA so I don’t have to worry when I have car trouble but what will I/he do when the other dies?

    • I feel your worry, CJ. I just got divorced from my extroverted wife of 16 years and feel very alone. I often wonder what will happen to me after my parents are no longer here as they are my key support. I have a hand full of “friends” at work and one or two others but none that I feel I can depend on. I too have had the dreaded “run out of gas” scare and had your same thoughts and feelings.

    • I understand that feeling. I often think about what will happen when my mom dies, she is my only real support and for sure the only one who really understands me because she is the same way (introverted). My marriage is not good. I honestly can’t depend on my husband for much at all, no emotional support or understanding. I have no other family. It is very scary to think about. I wish I had an answer…

    • That is exactly why I got AMA (or CAA or AAA). My spouse often works out of town so I need to know that there is someone that can help me if I really need it. For just over $10 a month, it’s worth the peace of mind.

    • Lilla, how long will it be just the post in there? I realize this veers the discussion away from introversion, but I have often wondered about this aspect of implantology.

  9. I’m moving cities soon and it involves 20 hours of constant driving and sitting on a ferry.

    People keep telling me I NEED to take someone with me, whereas I’d prefer to tackle the journey alone. Making small talk with someone all the way down the country sounds like a nightmare!

    Do you fellow introverts relate?

    • Definitely. If you don’t want to take someone with you, don’t do it. Take audio books or music, be sure to stop when you’re tired. Pull over to look at the scenery. Don’t try to drive straight through without enough rest…

      And enjoy your trip!!

    • Oh yes! I remember when I was teaching English in Japan and had to go to a work conference that was 4-5 hours away on the train. My supervisor said she hoped I’d “be able to” travel together with the other teachers from my town. I hoped the exact opposite, got what I wanted and spent the train trip happily solo. I say go for it! The people who say you need to take someone are just thinking about what THEY would need, which is fine for them but not necessarily the same as what you need.

  10. I’m also an introvert, and am finding some very helpful tips (as well as support) on this site, which I just discovered today. Thanks.

    Reading about the ‘run out of gas scare’ really hit home. CJ, you’re very lucky – I hope to meet a partner I can feel as comfortable with as you do with your husband. I’ve had that same thought – what about if I get stranded somewhere far from home? Who do I know here who will help me?

    Which gave me an idea: what about a support system for introverts? A site and/or telephone line where introverts can contact each other. Perhaps a ride share program, where rides (and gas) can be shared, without the pressure of having to talk to/listen to someone talk the whole way? Just a thought.

  11. For the first time in my life, I’m learning to embrace my introverted nature. I was an insecure teenager, always trying to ‘fix’ this problem that I had. I suppose, as Americans, introverts are stereotyped as arrogant, and un-American. I wouldn’t know, I was born and grew up in Africa. I will confess that I am a typical introvert.

    • You are correct Dave. As a teenager, I was bullied constantly and called many names such as “anti-social” for being a quiet introvert. People who are not introverts can’t understand why not everyone is like them. They think you’re a snob if you don’t want to talk. And I also agree with the un-American comment– it’s sad, really. If you don’t have that entrepreneurial, “go-get-em spirit”, there must be something fundamentally wrong with you.

      • well, they didn’t see me as a snob. we don’t typically have that mindset in my country. I was regarded as a weakling, however

  12. I can feel as comfortable with as you do with your husband. I’ve had that same thought – what about if I get stranded somewhere far from home?
    Erin´s last post ..dry mouth

  13. I am having such a hard time with my boyfriend of a year and a half. I mentioned to him when we first spoke on the telephone before we decided to give it a try as a couple that I never wanted to get married again nor did I ever want to live with anyone. I like my alone time too much. But we kept talking on the phone for a few months before we actually met in person. I met him on a social site btw. He now likes to spend most of his time here at my place. He lives with his mother because his wife took everything he had and he has practically nothing. He always tells me he feels he is homeless. The more we are together, the more I am sure that I so not want to take it any further. When we are together all he does is suppress my opinions, disagree with me and makes me feel uneducated. Right now he is laid off and I am terrified that he will always want to be here and we had argued this weekend as t why I haven’t asked him to move in yet. When I am with him too long I almost feel physically ill and I have severe anxiety. When I tell him I need time alone he takes it personally and tells me that if you truly love someone you should want to be with them all the time. Not sure how I feel about it. I am sad, stressed and at the end of my rope and am looking to run away because I don’t wish to break his heart. But this clingy nature is killing me.

    • My advice would be to tell him that until he has held a job and found a place to live for at least 6 months, that you are not considering taking it further. Otherwise, you are just picking up from where his ‘ex’ left off. Someone who forces themself into your life and makes you feel bad for YOUR choices….you really got to look at what their real motive is…are you just a convenient way of saving him money by taking him in….is it just easier to say ‘ yes’ at your emotional/mental expense than fighting…these are not reasons to choose a life partner…these are abusive situations that really need to be evaluated. In my opinion, if he’s SERIOUS in his love for you, he NEEDS the time (at least 6 months) to find himself again. If he’s not willing to do this, then he’s just using you. We all have stories that can melt a person’s heart. It takes a STRONG person to learn from thier own stories before they are willing to share their lives with another. We all need STRONG people, especially as an introvert…it helps to keep us strong.

  14. Also being this way makes me feel like a horrible person. I feel I am not meant to be with anyone and should be alone the rest of my life to spare the other persons’ feelings.

      • I appreciate your advice Marli but at this point in my life I don’t really desire to be with anyone. I am happy that you have found someone who understands you though. Good luck! I hope it works out for you.

    • This is a toxic relationship. If he cannot/refuses to understand your need for alone time and makes you feel guilty, anxious, and ill you need to drop him. It sucks, it’s hard, but in the end it’s better for you. Remember, there are many wonderfull people out there for you to meet who do accept and even embrace an introverts need for time to themself. It sounds like you made yourself clear from the begining regarding needing your space and time. If he cannot accept this he is not worth your time. Best of luck and remember, no one is worth making yourself sick over.

      • Witch, I agree this is a toxic relationship. I have a history of being a coward when it comes to breaking up with someone. I get a lot of advice from people just to cut him loose but for me it means breaking someones heart who say’s they love me very much and I feel bad. I seem to have a breaking point though. I had an opportunity a month ago to break it off but was too stupid to recognize it. Long story short we were having a conversation about politics on our way to the mountains and he hated my views and call me a couple of terrible names. We got to our spot in the middle of nowhere and he got out of the car and disappeared into the woods and left me there not being able to find him for hours! I did hear him ranting and raving deep in the woods somewhere and I thought he jumped off a cliff or something. he finally came back and I should have just used that opportunity to break up then but I didn’t and continue to take abuse. Not physical, but mental. Thanks again for your advice. Sorry I am so long winded. I guess I need to get it out.

        • I truly hope that you have had a happy ending to this story, the guy sounds like a wack job. We all have issues, but for any person to make another worry in this way is WAY over the top. There’s drama, then there’s soap-opera drama. He seems to be an expert at manipulation. Have you met any of his friends, his ex’s or his family – have you asked them about his personality or past at all. Be worried about this kind of stuff. He could very well be a very damaged person that needs help, but unless you are a psychologist AND only if HE has asked for help, you can’t help him. It takes years of counciling from a trained professional to help someone to deal with real damage. He sounds extremely draining and if it was me, I’d be done. There are billions of people out there….don’t give up, you should NEVER SETTLE…never settle.

          • Thanks for the advice Fayetted. I appreciate it. Now as it stands I think we are broke up. There was a final blow to his pride about 3 weeks ago. His ex wife decided to sue him for child support after even signing a document that they will not go after each other for it anymore. Its for his 17 year old daughter because his boys are both over 18 now. What he is not understand is that it was a blow to me as well. Even though we were not officially living together he was here most of the time and was helping me with things from time to time when he did get a job here and there. Almost within 2 days of him getting that bad news I got some on my end of the spectrum which may cause me to have to work a second job. After I told him my bad news it was like he didn’t want to hear it. He almost trivialized it like it was nothing. Then he tried to accuse me of not being compassionate and even called me hostile. He called me that just because he came over and was very depressed and unhappy. All I wanted him to do was smile for me and try to forget his troubles for a while. To him all he wanted me to do was to be silent and just hold him. After he went home he stopped calling me and emailing me and I have attempted to call and email him. It has been 2 weeks now and I am in a limbo not knowing where we stand. I don’t deserve this treatment and I don’t think I will take him back if he ever chooses to do so. It almost feels like he is punishing me for what his ex is doing to him and now that I need a little financial help here he realizes he can’t be there for me so his pride is taking precedence. I will get a second job and take care of my own business like I always have for the past 12 years.

    • Are you sure you are not just a shy extravert? There’s nothing wrong with feelings, from what I understand and from my own personal experiences, introverts just tend to internalize and analyze, I think, a bit more, I could be wrong, could be just me. I rarely think of what others think of me any more…guilt is a horrible feeling though, until you look at it from your own personal point of view. If I knew that I was making someone uncomfortable because of my expectations of who they should be, I would stop trying to force them . I think the biggest thing is truly the awareness factor(Introvert/Extrovert)…if someone is making you feel bad, it is up to you to let them know. It sucks, but if they really care about you AND your well being, they will accept your decision/feeling. If not then they are only looking out for themselves and what makes them look or feel good in their own minds and how the perceive others perceive them. It’s not hard to find someone of like mind, but it can be hard to like the mind you find. It’s not hard to find someone of like mind, but it can be hard to like the mind you find.

    • I truly hope that you have had a happy ending to this story, the guy sounds like a wack job. We all have issues, but for any person to make another worry in this way is WAY over the top. There’s drama, then there’s soap-opera drama. He seems to be an expert at manipulation. Have you met any of his friends, his ex’s or his family – have you asked them about his personality or past at all. Be worried about this kind of stuff. He could very well be a very damaged person that needs help, but unless you are a psychologist AND only if HE has asked for help, you can’t help him. It takes years of counciling from a trained professional to help someone to deal with real damage. He sounds extremely draining and if it was me, I’d be done. There are billions of people out there….don’t give up, you should NEVER SETTLE…never settle

  15. Whats on my mind today? A simple thing. To find the woman I love. To have children and a family. I want to be with someone I love. I’m 36 years old, and never had true love.
    Sometimes I found women I really loved, and they didn’t like me, and sometimes the opposite. Hope to fulfill my dream sometime.
    Denis´s last post ..Anti aging solutions

    • I think the biggest thing is making sure you — Know Yourself First. How can you expect someone to get you if even YOU don’t get you…also, never give up, but most definitely, keep smiling (I’m always amazed at how someone’s face changes when they smile). The quickest way to someone’s heart is opening yours (cliche I know). 🙂 It may hurt sometimes, but none of those ‘hurts’ really matters when you finally meet someone that gets you. 🙂

  16. What’s on my mind today? I had a hard day at college today. I live as an exchange student in England at the time, and have been here for 6 weeks (of a total of 9 months). In the beginning of my time in college I found a group of friends who I really liked talking to and who were really nice. We were about 5-8 people and I got to know them enough to be invited to one of the girl’s birthday party last week. They are still really nice, although now they have kind of expanded the group so much, that I never get to talk to them in small groups. I find myself backing out because I can’t stand the noise, or the fact that I literally have to shout to be heard. The conversations are only shallow anyway. I usually just find someone nice but random people to talk to in the breaks, or I go to the library (which I love, but I know should try to avoid because I need to make some real friends in this new country!) Because I back out I fear they think I’m not interested in being their friend, so they don’t include me in hanging out after school and stuff.

    • My first question would be … what the heck did you do at the party?… seems like it starts from there. As a self-verified introvert, I know alcohol has an amazing way of turning me extravert. Could be that one of them up-tight Brits took offence to something you did or said and made the ‘clan’ turn against you. My advice would be to ask the one you feel closest to to find out what happened. Most times all it takes is a public apology (gak…horror, I know…) and after that ‘all is ki-ka-tiboo. If you don’t know, and really don’t care, then move on to a new group that may have closer interests. I personally would stick to the library or find a museum or ‘nerd group’ to hang with. Way better conversations and focused interests.

  17. This has been a very helpful website for me in the past. Is anyone aware of any support groups around the country where introverts can meet other introverts? I know it sounds a bit silly because do introverts really want to meet other introverts? I know I do, very few people I know are introverts and I would like to be around like minded individuals who understand me better. I have looked on in my area of the country (Jacksonville, Fl) but the closest group is in Atlanta.

    • Woody,
      I don’t know of any groups but I agree with you that it would be nice to find something like that. I live in Nebraska and have looked in the phone book for this type of thing, can’t find it. It is kind of ironic, isn’t it, that an introvert would want to “socialize” with other introverts! I totally agree that it would be nice to be around others who understand you. Hope you can find something in your area, in the meantime, this website is the best thing I have found!

      • Thanks for the reply Heather…it seems almost like jumbo shrimp to say that introverts need a place to meet people but it would be awesome to have some folks to relate to. I know very few introverts, I think I’m a little less introverted than some so maybe thats why I would like to meet others.

    • As introverts, we communicate best by text or type (it allows the other person to formulate thoughts and ideas—-space). From my point of view, we don’t really need to connect, but on our own time we might; so trying to form a group, kind of defeats the purpose. I really enjoy this blog and will try to share it when the opportunities arise. If you really need to connect I suggest you try the Facebook groups for your area,

  18. I need to make some real friends in this new country!) Because I back out I fear they think I’m not interested in being their friend, so they don’t include me in hanging out after school and stuff.
    Kathrin´s last post ..tinnitus

    • To make a friend, you must be a friend. Catch 22 I know, but it’s the truth. If you want someone to contact you, you need to be willing to contact them. My advice would to be to accept one out of every three invites. Break you comfort zone for a short time, let them get to know you and then once they understand, you are home free.

  19. What’s on my mind today?
    Well, to be honest. Love. Love is on my mind. But a sad tale. I’m 34, only recently discovered I’m an introvert (also thanks to this site). I’m not much outgoing since I truly hate loud groups of people. I’m not a very quick speaker, or overly witty. But i’m a kind guy and I know who I am. Relationship wise, let’s just say I still haven’t gotten my first kiss.

    I met this great girl (who is quite alot younger then me, but really is very mature in her thinking), and I took her on a date (needless to say that took me alot of effort) and we had a great time. Deep conversations and all, we went on a couple of other outings. And then at some point she told me she liked me as a friend on facebook. Well, needless to say my world collapsed. After a few weeks I finally got a chance to speak to her about this since she was really really stressed about school and her future education. We had a deep chat and she explained me that her previous relationships weren’t very happy ones, and that she gave alot of herself in any relationship. I know this since she told me something about her previous relationships. Those were all guys who would want to change who she was, chain her down as it were. She’s an artistic type so she never allowed that to happen. But all those guys broke up with her, causing a serious self esteem issue. And I know I’ll never want to change her, but only support and love her. Like a good boyfriend should.
    Anyways, she just didn’t want a relationship right now, she wants to spend time on herself.
    Of course I respected that, and we’re still friends. I actually think we got closer friends after that talk because it shows she really trusts me since she told me things you wouldn’t tell if you didn’t trust someone.

    So, i’m acting all happy around her. But on some days, and this is one of those days, I feel so awfully alone. Maybe even a bit bitter as love seems to elude me while everywhere I look I see happy couples snuggling while I’m left with a broken heart feeling so tired. I don’t fall in love easily since I really need to learn someone well before I fall in love. But when I fall in love, I do so for 100%..

    Right now, I don’t know what to do anymore. Wait for her? Move on? I still love her deeply. And her signals are so confusing sometimes. One moment she pulls me closer, the next moment she pushes me away. And I really want to be at her side, I know I’ll make a good boyfriend for her. Yet at the same time I do keep my distance I don’t want to smother her. Not to mention, I hate chatting with her on facebook. She always seems busy, while in face-to-face chat we always talk deeply and personally.

    • I really think you need to step back. Pretend you don’t know her and you are just meeting her for the first time, it’s amazing what you notice IF you are able to do this. She seems pretty wishy-washy. Is she just playing you to make sure she’s never alone (it’s sick, but I have a lot of close girlfriends that have and are doing exactly this). Look at her love life, if she’s not interested in you, what type of person is she persuing? You might just be a filler…and is that really enough for you, just to be a filler until she finds ‘the one’ ? Not my idea of a fun way to spend my time. If you cut her off, and if she is the one, she’ll be hounding you pretty quick. It’s not bad for a guy to play hard to get…Just don’t take it personally, there are billions of people out there, if you get too focused on one, you miss so many…

  20. I have been recently understanding that the reason that I have not gotten “out there” is because I was so fortunate that my late husband was an introvert like me. He’s been gone for over 5 years and I am lonely – even when I am with others. I just really don’t know if I have the energy to open myself up to someone else. I know there are others like us it’s just hard to see through the cult of noise and show. I’m just sayin’.

    • Communicate via this blog. There’s at least 2 -3 billion of us out there. You’ll eventually find someone to connect with … at least on an intellectual level. 🙂 If not, consider yourself friggin amazing and carry on. 🙂

  21. I love this idea, I just found out that I have a cyber stalker on Facebook. I thought comments only showed on my timeline if I wanted to share them. It took a long time for me to even get on Facebook because I’m not a big sharer of my personal life. I think this is a great place to express comments without fear of being ‘followed’. Thank you for doing this. 🙂

  22. I’m curious, how many of us introverts have kids…as they require huge amounts of energy. I don’t have any…and have no plans to have any. But it’s something I’ve been wondering. Does being an introvert determine your willingness to become a breeder? (sorry, I’m sure it’s the wrong choice of words, but, I don’t know what else to call people that choose to breed…)

    • My husband and I have been married, happily for 32 years and choose not to have kids. My husband is very introverted as well. We have dogs, “my furry babies” and are quite content not having children. I do know when I’ve left someone’s home with kids, I am very grateful for the lack of noise & constant requests for attention that children provide. I don’t dislike children, but not having any was the right choice for us.

    • It’s a big part of the reason I don’t want kids. The non-stopness of it freaks me out, plus it involves a lot of sleep deprivation, and physical tiredness is a major trigger for my “All people need to leave me alone NOW” point. Plus – and I have another introverted friend who feels the same – there’s the fact that the kid might have a personality that mine is incompatible with.

  23. I’m starting to wonder if my introvert personality is leaving me isolated from the world. All I do is work and home (vice versa). I don’t go out as much as I should to meet ppl since I hate crowded places and am uncomfortable about opening my life to ppl. I am happy to be alone most days but I need a change. I’m bored with my life. Don’t get me wrong, I feel blessed with all I have, but something is missing. I don’t know what it is or where should to start…

  24. Nomad Tiberious Gray on

    Highschool… I guess im doing fine, decent grades & such, but the people. OH my GOD th stupid people here. Nobody understands quiet. Thank god for sound canceling headphones.

  25. I don’t have to talk all the time, yes?
    “I am indeed online, but I have nothing useful to say”.
    Yet the times I do wish to talk, it seems like I interrupt a group discussion. I wish to join in, but I get ignored for reasons that are obscure to me. Perhaps I’m just not a part of a certain clique. Perhaps my own preferences (likes/dislikes) don’t sinc up with everyone else’s?

  26. I hate my family gatherings! Maybe it my introverted personality but I can’t relate to any of my relative (aunts, uncles, older cousins). I swear, its like a competition about whos life is better/ worst. I don’t stick around long enough to listen. I prefer to hang out with the little kids b/c I don’t feel like Im being judged or talked down to. I’m free to be me and act goofy. Is this a normal thing I’m feeling being part of a huge family as a whole but at the same time I’m not? Heck, I feel closer to my friends and I don’t see them as much. I guess what I’m asking is how can I improve my relationship w my relatives w/o wanting to put my head in a pillow and scream?

  27. Hi guys,

    I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice on what to do in my relationship. I’m dating an introvert man and I’m an introvert woman. The problem is that I’m more social than him. We have a long distance relationship he’s in AZ I’m in CA.
    That last time we met I went to his home in middle of nowhere AZ and I was bored out of my mind. There was little to no conversation and lots of tv/ movie watching. I’m a person that likes to spend one on one time doing something alike hiking ,having lunch and having a good meaningful convo.
    He’s told me that he doesn’t have a lot of friends, which is understandable, I only have a few close friends. But it seems like he just wNts to stay at home and watch tv or practice his guitar.
    Every time we’ve talked on the phone except for two times, we stay on the phone for 2-3 hours but maybe talk a total of 10-15 minutes with spaces in between that.
    He’s incredibly private,too.
    He’s a great guy, very polite and calm and I know he would never abuse me in any way, he’s financially stable even if he is a bit cheap IMO,and he encourages me to do things that I enjoy and have a talent in and to have my own friends and hobbies but dang it he’s just so boring.
    Also he wants to continue to live out in the middle of nowhere.

    I’m just having a hard time finding a reason to break up with him besides the fact that he’s boring and he wants to live in the middle of nowhere.

    I’m shy, introverted but I have about 3-4 close friends who I feel I can be myself around and so we tend to have deep conversations and a ton of “fun”. I love to be by myself and when I’m around someone one on one I want it to be meaningful. I want to feel like I connected with the person.
    At work I tend to isolate myself from others unless I work closely with them ( I work in retail…I used to be a dog groomer) I’ve been told I’m serious and not many people will approach me because they think I’m mad. I’m guessing this is why very few men talk to me first because people tell me that even though I’m chubby, I’m very pretty and a great catch for a lucky guy that decides to actually talk to me despite my ” resting B…. Face”
    Consequently , I’ve had to resort to online dating because it’s hard for me to just go up to guys ( who I’m guessing are either not interested or are too introverted or too scared to talk to me) but I’ve found only people with social problems are on there 🙁 I often wish I could just go out and just meet and chat up guys.
    Also I’m a devoted Christian so it’s not like I would find anyone of the same at a bar or nightclub.

    So long story short, I feel like we are not connecting like I would like. Introverts usually open up eventually but I feel like he’s still the same and I’m the one doing all the opening up. He’s said just recently that he wished I would tell him more about my day at work and that he wished I could feel like I could talk to him about anything!! But seriously how can I do that when I feel like I’m not getting that in return??!
    Any suggestions ??? Maybe I’m just crazy or asking too much or being ungrateful?

    I reaaaaallly don’t want to start over with someone new because I’m already 35 and the clock is ticking. I just want this to work. In a perfect scenario he’d want to move out here in CA and learn to open up to me…that’s all I ask :0/
    I have my own friends and hobbies to keep myself busy and friends to connect deeply with. Of course if I moved out there I’d have no friends at all and no family either. It would just be me and him in boring Un-connectedness…sigh….

    Also I have to add that he’s only had two extrovert girlfriends and I think he’s used to just having them do all the relationship work, like all the talking and connecting and he just sits there and absorbs it. I used to be like that a very looong time ago and it destroyed most of my relationships because I was so passive it was like I was not even there at all and people got tired of doing all the work. So I guess the question is how do I help him to have his own opinion and personality? He’s not the least bit funny and barely has a sense of humour. I feel bad for him and I want to be with him, it’s just so frustrating getting no connection and warm fuzziness from him. He is ISTJ and I am ISFP…..can this ever work?

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