When you go to the beach and you see 100 feet of coastline jam packed with people so there’s not even space to walk between the towels, but just beyond that crowded area there are just a few people but lots of space between them, which area would you head for? I for one would go to the place where I could see water and sand, not just a mass of other humans crowded together. Yet when I proceed along those same ideas in normal life, I’m accused of “hiding.”
At my church, the main area is usually just crowded enough so there are couples or families in every row, with only one or two empty seats between them. I never know who is expecting one more person, plus a lot of these people are talking to each other when I arrive, so I usually go sit in the balcony. There are plenty of other people up there, yet there’s lots of room so I don’t have to intrude on others to find a seat. I automatically head to the balcony each Sunday, and I didn’t realize it was an abnormal place to sit. But last week I ran into a woman I know after the service and she stated, “I see you’re still hiding in the balcony.” HIDING? Um, if I were hiding, I think I’d be crouching behind the railing so no one would see me. Or perhaps I’d be just outside the door! Shhhh.. Guess I’m not a very good hider, sitting there in plain site.
Although I like to go out to lunch with coworkers or other friends once or twice a week, I really treasure the lunch hour to have some enjoyable “me time,” either reading a book or reading blogs and working on this one. When I get an hour’s break all to myself, it really does restore my energy so that I can go back to working effectively with others for the afternoon. One day, I had a good lunch all heated up and a cold Mountain Dew at my side, and I was about to read some blogs I like. But a coworker looked in and pityingly asked, “Why are you hiding out in your office?” HIDING? Now if I were going to HIDE, I think I’d go get into the bushes or perhaps go behind the building and peer around the corner. Why is it abnormal to enjoy one’s own company for an hour?
The last straw came yesterday when I saw what was supposed to be a nice comparison between extroverts and introverts. It looked pretty good but then the definition of “Home” for extroverts was, “A place to invite everybody you know.” For introverts home is, “A place to hide from everybody you know.” HIDE. So if people are looking for me, the one place they will never look is my house?? My home is a place where I feel sheer joy just to walk around, read, or do whatever, especially if I’m lucky enough to be home when it’s daylight outside. 
I never think of myself as “hiding” from people there. Instead, I am living one of my favorite parts of life there, feeling plenty of pleasant stimulation from the things I like to do.
Sure, sometimes introverts do choose to “hide” from others. If we don’t want to go out and get our mail because the neighbor will talk and talk and talk and not let us go back into our home, if we don’t want to go heat up our lunch when we know annoying coworkers are in the break room, then we are preferring to hide in order to have the least annoyance and the most enjoyment. But remember, most of the time if we are alone, it’s not because we are “hiding” from anyone. It’s because we are sitting or walking or being where it feels most natural to us – the uncrowded, quieter path.
Photo credit: madeleine
{ 58 comments… read them below or add one }
I can totally relate to the neighbor thing, the person next door to me is a classic extrovert. Several years ago I was scarred by an incident with my neighbor at the time. I’ll just say that he answered the door in his underwear and attempted to carry on a conversation…needless to say, I didn’t knock on his door again.
Nick Laborde´s last blog ..Dealing with Left Brainers for Right Brainers…No, Your Other Left
Oh, the stories I could tell of my crazy, “uber-extrovert” neighbor – who often accused me of “hiding” – that’s a sore spot with me. Sometimes I wanted to say to her “Of COURSE I’m hiding, I’m hiding from YOU, because you are always in my face and I just want to be left alone!” Nick, overly friendly neighbors are the worst. Home should be your haven, your retreat, your safe place. Aggressive intrusive neighbors destroy that.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been accused of “hiding” and told “well you just have to deal with people, you have to live in the world, you just have to adjust” I’d have enough money to buy my isolated house in the woods with no neighbors for MILES!
hermit loner´s last blog ..A Little Privacy, A Lot of Happy
Hermit Loner, that is awful – do some people have no sensitivity at all? If I ever thought someone was hiding from me, I’d take a good hard look at how I’m acting or if I’m talking too much, not chase them down and push some more! Yeah we have to live in this world, but there’s plenty of space if everyone will respect the boundaries of others!
Other examples
- choosing the most deserted corner in a restaurant
- staying at home alone on a Fri/Sat night
- not going for parties
We are not hiding, we are recharging
Ahhh…yes. Thanks Andrew! You have me looking forward to the upcoming weekend!
When I go to the movies, I go to the very top row — for the sole purpose of not having anybody sitting behind me. I also choose the least poplulated part of the restaurant. I also will not sit at a table in the middle of a restaurant where there are tables/people all around. If that’s my only option, I’ll wait a bit or find a different place to eat. Shopping — if I’m looking through a rack and somebody else walks up and starts browsing that rack, I’ll leave till she is gone. It is cracking me up (in an oh so refreshing way) to learn that there are sooooo many people like me!
Hi, Christie, your church balcony/main sitting area story, reminds me of the whole back of the bus, front of the bus mentality, in terms of what used to happen when I was in school. All of the popular, socially adept, talkative kids sat in the back of the school bus, while the so called “losers” sat in the front of the bus. I guess I was one of the “losers” because I always sat in the front of the bus. I thought it was better because I felt more comfortable. I sat in the back of the bus a couple of times and I never felt comfortable there, around those students. They thought they were so cool because they had claimed the right, through their popularity, to sit in the back, and they thought that everyone in the front of the bus was missing out on something oh so special (sarcasm). I mean, what was so special about it. The back area of the bus was simply another set of seats, in which to sit. But they thought it was special because they were sitting there, so off course it was the height of popularity. Hahahaha. I tell you, life is so funny, sometimes.
This same mentality presents itself in the workplace and in other environments in which there tends to be a lot of people or at least a group of people. The so called popular people, in this case, the outgoing, socially adept extroverts think that everyone wants to be around them and wants to be like them, so if someone is sitting off by him or herself, then that’s just not right in the extrovert’s eyes. I had the chance to observe an extroverted coworker who had this kind of mentality. She somehow had gotten it into her head, that she was the focal point in the workplace. She thought that everyone wanted to be around her because of her personality. Talk about having a big EGO, and she lacked boundaries, too, because she thought that she was included in all conversations.
I’ve been around some coworkers, and just some people in general, and the overwhelming feeling that I had was that I wanted to run away and HIDE until they went away.
Hi JW – I do know what you mean about how other people would feel about the front and back of the bus, those who really want to be part of the crowded area, but – maybe it’s because I’m in middle age now – I truly enjoy just getting on that proverbial bus and finding a seat for one, preferably near the door,
where I can hear the best jokes around me and participate if I want, yet be a bit apart from what’s going on too. I have two cats, and they are like that too. If my 17 year old son has buddies over and they’re laughing and horsing around, the cats will be nearby, watching, but never in the middle of the scuffle. 
I used to take the bus to work and longed to find a seat in the very back where nobody had to even walk past me to sit down. Should somebody “join” me back there, I would cringe inside.
Oh I know exactly what you mean. And if I had to fly – it would get to be just a few minutes before takeoff…. can it be true that no one will be beside me? No. Usually it would not be true.
No one has ever accused me of hiding that I know of, but I have heard some called me antisocial or a hermit. I prefered calling it “jennie time away from annoying ppl.” Even when I am in a public place, I tend to wander off on my own (or in thought). What can I say, I like my company. Andrew pointed out some really good examples. I don’t go out very often, but when the itch is there, nothing can stop me. There is a time and place for introverts.No use labeling unsuitable names like hiding. Extroverts need to get it into their heads that we function differently.
Amen Jennie! The labeling and name calling is just wrong. We do function differently, and the thing is, we’re not bothering anyone! It’s not like we’re saying, “I HAVE to sing loudly,” or “I have to hit you on the arm when I see you.” We’re actually being really easy to live with here, live and let live!
To me, that’s the key point that should be mentioned as often as possible concerning the fact of the introvert’s existence: we’re not (in a plausible, tangible way) BOTHERING anybody (me being a quiet person, including having the consideration not to consistently announce my presence with a loud stereo or exhaust system, for instance, in NO measurable way could be harming these obtuse, needy, obnoxious, judgemental – they started it – extroverted types).
You wouldn’t believe how many people get to this site by googling, “I hate introverts.” What??? We, who don’t interrupt, who mind our own business, who don’t barge in when you least feel like it, are annoying and bad? I can understand how we could get overlooked sometimes or even how people might think we’re a little boring if they don’t know us. But what could provoke any stronger negative?!
I second that! I LOVE my own company!!
I still find it comforting, even if I laugh, when I hear there are other people who seem to operate the same way at times, spending a lunchtime recharging at a restaurant, or maybe eating at your workstation while surfing the interwebs.
The funniest memory relating to this was when our company was doing an inventory count at a remote store, probably twenty of us, and the store was kind of tight, noisy, and busy with all of us walking about. Anyhow, lunchtime rolls around and we get pizza, which was alright, so I grab a couple pieces and return to my desk, while most of them mingle about in the back. The funniest part was having one of my co-workers behind me, seeming to be doing something similar.
The truth is, it’s comforting to find some similarities in this world when so many of those people out there don’t understand, plus just want to get you involved because “you seem alone” or “look alone”/whathaveyou.
what so wrong with being alone? I don’t get why people get weirded out by that idea.
I think it weirds some people out that many introverts are so comfortable inside their own heads, which can’t be said for many of the extroverts I know. Unfortunately, I share an office with a guy who needs conversation every five minutes because he can’t stand the silence, and he doesn’t seem to understand how irritating that is. I love taking lunch at my desk when he leaves because then my office is empty and I get some time to relax and recharge again.
Hi DF, Oh you have my sympathy! That really is irritating, and that guy would be SO surprised if he knew how much you treasure your time when he’s not there. (But I totally understand and I’ve been there too)! We really are comfortable and I’ll even go, “elated” inside our own heads, and I really love it. I’m never bored, unless someone is talking.
Thanks so much for your comment – I hope you’ll keep coming back to Introvert Zone!
Clind – Yep – one time I knew a pair of coworkers were flying to a meeting we had to go to, and I quietly decided to drive the 8 hour drive, but kept my mouth shut. Right after I left on the trip, one of the coworkers came to a guy who knows me well and said, “Oh no! Christie is driving alone! We could have ridden with her instead of flying!” My friend/coworker told them, “I think she’s happy.” Yes. He didn’t call me weird or crazy; he just knew I was doing what I preferred.
I can really relate to the driving thing, I actually enjoy road trips. I bring my Ipod, which is loaded with music and audio books. I usually come up with my greatest ideas on a road trip.
In fact recently when I went on my cruise I deliberately decided to drive to Orlando, even though it was cheaper to fly. This allowed me to back up my batteries before I got on a ship with 2000 of my closest friends. Then on the way back home I had plenty of time to recharge my drained batteries.
I enjoy ‘em too! Yes, my music, my own thoughts, it’s really refreshing. That was a good idea to do that right before – and after – your cruise.
I really think that our independence bothers them, as well. People who want to do everything as part of a “herd” just can’t get their minds around the fact that we like to do things by ourselves. During the summer, there’s a local farmers market on the grounds of my workplace. If I go over to it, I like to go alone or with one or two people at the most but I enjoy it the most when I go by myself. It’s too stimulating – too much to look at, too many people, too much noise; and I get irritated by feeling like I have to somehow stay with or keep track of whoever I’ve gone with, if I go with someone. The people I work with, on the other hand, like to make it a group project if they go over. Sometimes if I go alone and return with a bag of purchases at least one person will sarcastically say “Oh, you went over to the market, thanks a lot for inviting me” and things like that. I’ve started to reply with a breezy “Hey, I like to go by myself” and I refuse to engage in any conversation about it. I have every right to go alone if that’s what I prefer and if people don’t like that, it’s not my problem.
I also think that for some reason, our perceived ‘aloofness’ just makes certain insecure types crave our attention. And, DF, like your officemate, lots of people are simply uncomfortable with silence for some reason and seem to be compelled to fill any pocket of blessed quiet with conversation. I love it when such people simply LEAVE!
hermit loner´s last blog ..A Word to Managers Everywhere
Hermit Loner, I think you and I are living parallel lives in different cities.
My previous office was about a mile from a nice shopping center, and once in a while I’d just get up and go to it to do my Christmas/birthdays/whatever shopping. One woman kept saying, “You just get up, don’t say anything to anyone, and leave! I would have gone! You’re antisocial!” I told her, “Um, no, if I were antisocial I’d be blowing up buildings, not buying a sweater for my sister.” Ugh. 
A perfect way to explain the difference between us and them.
Introverts are like cats, they don’t need you, they do their own thing. When they want some interaction, they come around, when they’re done they leave. They go back under the bed and they are completely happy.
On the other side, extroverts are like dogs. They just have to be around people and when you leave, they go crazy. When you come back, no matter how long you’ve gone, they get all excited and mess up the carpet.
Christies comment about her cats reminded me of that.
Nick Laborde´s last blog ..Dealing with Left Brainers for Right Brainers…No, Your Other Left
Very nice Nick! And this is why I try to remind myself not to get angry when someone starts asking, “Why not?” when I decline an invitation. Because I wouldn’t get mad at a dog for being a dog when he keeps trying to put his nose in my plate would I? I’d just make sure I keep my plate where his nose can’t get to.. or sometimes say, “No! Sit!”
Even when I go out, I like to “hide.” Fortunately, many of my friends are the same way. We’ll grab a table in a corner somewhere, and ignore the world. I suspect we like it for different reasons though- me because I’m an introvert, and them for the peace and quiet, so we can talk. I also think at times that “homebody” and “hiding” could be interchangeable.
Evan, yes, that sounds like a very enjoyable way to go out! Yep, if one of my coworkers does admit they’d like to just stay home instead of going to an after-work gathering, they always explain, “I’m a homebody.”
Contemplationca can be done on one’s private place, usually on our favorite spot. We dont need to fit in with the xpectations of others.
Absolutely, Walter! It’s wonderful once we become comfortable being who we really are instead of trying to be what we think others expect. We can go to our favorite spot and be at real peace. Thanks for your comment! Hope you come back to IntrovertZone often!
Nick, beautiful example about cats and dogs. I love it! It’s so true! And you’ve got to let a cat come to you, if you chase it and pester it and try to hold it on your lap, when it doesn’t want to be there, chances are you’re gonna get scratched and then not see that cat for a long time, afterward! Thanks for a new way to try to explain things to the pushy people in my life. (I’ve got one coworker/friend who is trying really hard, bless his high energy heart, but he needs the occasional reminder, heh)
And Christie, absolutely, I’ll try not to get mad at them for just being “dogs” – and I surely would appreciate it if they’d just let me be the cat I am and stop trying to turn me into a dog. . .if they don’t like cats, then why are they so determined to “adopt” me? LOL.
hermit loner´s last blog ..A Word to Managers Everywhere
Hermit Loner – yes, I can almost hear it – if I told my coworkers that I am like a cat and really enjoy being on the edge of things… they’d say, “I don’t like cats!” But you’re right – for people who don’t like cats, they sure do keep pushing us cats with their noses and whining a lot. I just hope we don’t have to swat them on the nose.
I just shared this on Facebook and said, “SERIOUSLY. The next person who asks me why I’m ‘hiding’ when I disappear to be alone is going to get punched in the mouth.”
Becky Miller´s last blog ..Fug or Fab?
Becky I love that! Yes, the word “hiding” has become a real pet peeve with me lately! It seems any time we want to be where everything is just right for us, people who like a lot of noise and confusion accuse us of hiding.
Being a male introverts seems a lot easier than being a female introvert. Long hair, beard, tough stocky build and a fairly gruff appearance and the extroverts warily shy away from you. Of course once they know your a safe, easy going, soft touch all that goes out of the window but it works most of the time and as a bonus you can walk relatively safely at night in some of toughest neighbourhoods, freedom. Hiding is so the wrong word, escaping is far more accurate. To escape invites be forthright, just tell them your an antisocial bastard/bitch, laugh and give them the knowing eye and let them ponder the answer while you walk away.
Robert, LOL!!!! Yes, escaping, being a “character” that they can’t quite figure out, those are great ways not to get trapped into socializing we don’t want to do. Very nice – no one is “chasing” you away, and you’re not hiding. You walk where you want to and hang out where you want to.
Hey
sometimes i like sit at home alone watch TV and to sleep. But I love to have a guests at home.
I think my favorite spots that other people would consider a “hiding” place is the restroom. There is one available at almost every social gathering. I really think of hiding like getting a break from it all, because almost any social situation can be fairly stressful. Finding a place where I don’t have to force conversation for even five minutes gives my brain the ability to relax and recharge before I have to go out and brave the masses again, so to speak.
~ Kristi
Kristi´s last blog ..Who You Are Meant To Be
Yes – it is getting so the only place we can be alone sometimes is the restroom! If I ever have another party, I’m going to provide areas for introverts. In each introvert pod
there will be seating where a few people can be close enough to talk and to hear each other if they want to, plus something to DO there too – whether it’s a puzzle, videos, a game – so they can be together but won’t have to sit and make small talk.
Oh my gosh! Mentioning bathroom reminds me of the restrooms at work. It’s for an entire floor — so five stalls. I abhor being in there with other women! If somebody comes in after me, I move at break neck speed to wash up and get out of there before they flush — I’m so not into bathroom socializing.
I tried hiding in the bathroom once…I won’t get into the details but I ended up in the middle of all the people and was happy about it.
Lesson, always have a plan b…
Nick Laborde´s last blog ..My Big Hairy Audacious Goal?
Hahaaa…Nick glad it worked out well for you!
I had an incident just today that made my mind jump right to this blog entry. I could only laugh, again, at just how true this whole thing is.
During a lab class, we were given a half hour break as is usual. It’s a big room, lots of huge printing machines and lots of little nooks where someone could sit completely unnoticed (for the most part) if they wanted some time to themselves. Everybody else congregated together in what has turned into the unofficial “break” spot for this time. Normally I’d join them, a half hour isn’t *too* taxing, but feeling as I was (which was seriously tired from little sleep) I just wasn’t up to socializing so I slipped away unnoticed behind one of those huge machines, hoping to just sit and rest for a little bit. At least I thought I was unnoticed. Not 30 fricking seconds after sitting down, the chattiest extrovert of the entire group (to the point of sheer annoyance depending on the day) approaches and asks “is there a reason you’re hiding over here in the corner by yourself?” I could only stammer out “Nooo…no reason.” Well, there was a reason of course, but by the time I could have explained it, break would have been over and my opportunity to chill out would have evaporated! As luck would have it, I am also lab partners with this extrovert for the entire semester. But that’s a whole other can of worms.
Oh Andrew I can totally visualize this situation! I’ve done the very same thing when I was really sleepy and just wanted to sit while everyone else did their little group thing during a break, and of course That Guy just had to come and ask, “Why are you sitting here?” We need to become invisible sometimes just to sit or stand where we want to without being bothered!
wow. this article once again is so me.
I sometimes try not to go to buy snacks from my class if I know i will have to run into someone, i felt bad like why am i always avoiding them? its not like i dont like them, I like them, its just that…. I just want to have that short talk or well, im thinking that u guys should all know WHY.
I know its rude but alot of times (not sometimes!!) i try my best to avoid eye contacts so i dont have to run into themand say hi and all that stuff.
I always found myself wierd on this. I try not to but sometimes after whats been done, i punish myself and think WHY did you do that again, its just a simple ‘hello’.
but I guess thats just the nature of who i am and what i am.
I know what you mean – I’ve asked myself, why can’t I BE BOTHERED WITH walking past a group instead of going the long way ’round sometimes when we’ve been in a long meeting? The answer is, we’re not being rude. All that interaction comes at a cost to us – and we need to be alone for a bit to replenish ourselves!
Ugh. Don’t even get me started on the whole “hiding” thing. I spend a lot of time in my room, my safe haven that’s free from annoying outsiders, and get accused of “hiding” from people by my parents, friends, and siblings alike! It drives me crazy that no one can understand the difference between hiding and spending a little free time alone. I don’t have annoying neighbours, but I do have an extraordinarily extroverted little sister who is always ignoring the “keep out” signs on my door, walking in when I’m in the middle of something; reading, drawing, writing, or some other task that requires a lot of concentration, and asking if I want to come out and play. If I wanted to come out and play, I would. Right now I want to be alone. She never understands this, and I have to shoo her away ten times a day; I think I’ll be doing it for a long time to come! Maybe I should train my cat to attack people that come to the door uninvited!
Oh, and I just remembered a story that pertains to this topic that I still find amusing: In fourth grade, I never played on the playground at recess; I’d always slink off to sit against the wall to read. Anyway, an English teacher sees me sitting there all alone, immersed in my book, and she says, “Oh, you’re reading…(awkward pause)… why don’t you let me hold your book for you while you go find some kids to play with.” And I, being the shy kid I was, and not one for confrontation, handed over my book, and went off in search of some strangers that might accept me. It is only now that I realise how utterly ridiculous that was; an English teacher would rather see me playing with other kids than reading? Now there’s a bizarre paradox for you!
Seriously!
Hiding is just a matter of perception…
Me time for us is hiding for them. Extroverts don’t realize that much.
“My home is a place where I feel sheer joy just to walk around”
Touched me… Right down to the core.
Thanks! Isn’t it amazing that we all have this inside us – but we haven’t had a way to express it to anyone who understood!
And that is the beauty of it all.
Feeling a sense of peace knowing that what I say will be understood here…
You didnt hided. Whatever you did was correct. As you said — ” It’s not because we are “hiding” from anyone. It’s because we are sitting or walking or being where it feels most natural to us – the uncrowded, quieter path. ”
That’s right. Those people who said you are hiding are weird. Atleast you talked patiently to them. If someone talk like that to me, my reply will be stronger. After that they never ever can talk like that to me.
Sameer´s last blog ..Kevin Nash Jacknifes the Giant Bigshow for the 3rd time
I just stumbled upon your blog and can so relate to most everything. I have felt out-of-place, teased and ridiculed by family for not going to all the family events, and wanting “alone” time, which made me stay away even more. I can be very sociable at the times I feel like it. I guess the impression I get most is, that they decide what is the normal and correct way to live; that I am somehow ‘abnormal” and to be pitied.
The office is sometimes so uncomfortable for me. I sit in a room with several other workers, not even cubicles to give a little privacy. One particularly nosy co-worker listens to everything I say when I dare to make a personal call and even questions me about it afterward (do you like your doctor, what is that condition, etc.). Then I am asked, where are you going for lunch, what did you have for lunch, etc. It is torture for an introvert like me!
Oh wow I’m sorry to hear it! You’d think people would learn a little cubicle etiquette, because no one’s going to want all their personal conversations listened to openly and commented on.
Like Andrew’s comment above “We are not hiding. We are re-charging”. Isn’t that the truth? It’s not ok to be “hiding in the balcony” in church, but you can go to the gym, put on your headphones and bury your face in the magazine, while on the exercise bike (I do this every week) and no one will say anything. What is the difference? Thought-provoking post cb.
SenseiMattKlein@kids karate sydney´s last blog ..Kids Karate Grading- How to Pass
Thanks! It’ll be great if people find something else to do besides worry about who’s “hiding” and enjoying being in an uncrowded spot!