A 17 year old introvert wrote a wonderful message to me in the comment box a few days ago, and I really appreciate it! I often get great comments from awesome introverts, but you often don’t leave an email address where I could reply to you! I just want you to know that I really appreciate all of you who read and/or comment on this site! It’s enjoyable for us all to talk to each other, plus the comments help many, many introverts out there to know that they are not alone in having the feelings and experiences they have every day.
I remember very well being an introvert in high school, so I wanted to talk about that with you all. High school can be a rough time for almost anyone. Those are the years when the pressure starts to mount to look, act, and think a certain way, and it seems there are labels for everyone who is a real individual. Even parents can add to the problem, although often it’s only because they want the very best for their kids. A sweet extroverted woman told me this past weekend, “All parents want their kids to be popular!” Sure, the real meaning of the word popular is to be well-liked by a lot of people, widely liked. But when we think about high school, the word popular could just as often be used interchangeably with words like socially feared, mindlessly imitated, or envied. Still, it’s a state that we’ve led ourselves to believe is ideal – the sought-after status that is considered “golden,” with huge packs of friends and endless invitations, and we’re brainwashed nearly from birth to feel cheated and disappointed if instead we just have a couple of close friends plus a loving family with whom to spend our time.
I could take the easy route and point out that one or two genuine friends plus school work plus a little of the delicious solitude on which you thrive is really plenty to fill your days, but that wouldn’t really help. The big failure message for those of us who don’t fit the nearly fictional stereotype of the “popular life” isn’t just coming from inside our own heads. Everything from TV shows and movies to the questions of well-meaning relatives to the remarks of big-mouthed “popular” kids can make you feel like a big loser if your interests run to the intellectual or your idea of a fun evening is playing with your pets and listening to some great music. As I try to find some good advice for you on how to handle this, it occurs to me that one of my extremely extroverted young family members is in the high school marching band and on the math and physics teams, and is a chess coach for little kids. Sometimes I’m with him when we hear “band geeks” or “chess team” or similar being made fun of on a movie, but he never bats an eye. He loves those things and pursues tough classes with a great pride that borders on arrogance! 
So perhaps the take home message from that one extrovert would be to be proud of your interests and talents, even if some less-intelligent-yet-louder folks try to make you feel bad. In fact as we all know, being a bit geeky is cool these days, right?
As for the smaller number of friends and fewer social events that often comes with being an introvert, try to figure out what you truly want. Are you staying home because you’re enjoying following a passion or hobby, or are you afraid to try to socialize? If it’s the former, go ahead and dig in to things that interest you; enjoy your life! If it’s the latter, or if you don’t have anyone to do things with, keep your ears open for church or school or other community group activities where there will be things to do other than a lot of small talk. I know one introvert in his late teens who recently signed up to go on a ski trip with six other students he’d never seen before! Perhaps the van trip up to the mountains was a little tough if he was worried about being too quiet, but once they got on the slopes there was plenty of active and fun stuff to do, then of course there was plenty to talk about the rest of the weekend! Even if you’re pretty much confined to a small town or high school, you may find in the course of daily life that you have something in common with another person you’d seen around but never thought about before. Maybe a topic will come up in class one day, or it may be a volunteer opportunity that brings you together with others like you.
Like we all know, it’s entirely possible to be lonely, while still needing our solitude and spending a lot of time alone by choice. All our lives, but especially during the years we’re in high school and college, we have strong urges to be with others and to find that special someone too. Being an introvert doesn’t squash those instincts, but of course it does mean that we have to ration our people-time and make sure we get our me-time too. I remember feeling an almost physical pain in the warm sunshine of springtime, almost as if I’d suffered a loss, when really the issue was just that I felt as if I were missing life, missing out on everything. This sort of feeling definitely got resolved over time, as I learned to relax and let people who liked and appreciated me into my life. First it was a classmate and then another. Then in my first job after college I found a couple of friends from whom I became inseparable. It just took time, and the numbers weren’t big. Definitely a matter of “quality, not quantity.”
If you’re an introvert in high school, remember – you’re not alone, not by a long shot! Do your best in your classes, enjoy your life, and know that high school is not forever! If you’re reading this and already realize that you’re an introvert, then you’re ‘way ahead of the game. You already know how you recharge your energy and why you react the way you do to various things in life. Relax and be yourself, and live the wonderful life you were meant to have.
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I was not an introvert in high school, but for sure I somehow am. It’s not that I’m afraid of socializing, alright sometimes I am. It’s just sometimes, I’m more comfortable being alone. I don’t think it’s bad wanting to be alone sometimes.
Your site rocks and you now have a brand new follower. Keep up the excellent content. I will be back…
You have chosen perfect topic for this blog….
We remember those days when we used to study a smile…..
Thank you
I wish this blog was around when I was in high school…my life would have been so much easier. Suffice to say I was not “popular” and I always felt different from the rest of my peers. There were times I felt I “should” try to fit in but it felt unnatural to me. For instance, dances were major events for high schoolers. I went to my senior prom (the one and only dance) as a favor for a friend at the time. I walked in and immediately felt like walking back out. I now understand why….
I’m glad those days are behind me and I’m still the same person I was then in some aspect. However, I’m the better improved adult version. I understand myself better and is comfortable in my own skin. Sure there are challange to being an introvert in the real world too but instead of fighting it I go with the flow.
*shudder* I forgot all about dances. I attended only 3 in all of junior high and high school (it seemed they had at least 10 a year! Why?? Ugh), and I was literally dragged there by friends. I spent the entire time I was there desperately wishing I was almost anywhere else. After the third one, I just flatly refused to go. I didn’t go to parties of any kind, either. My mother, an extravert, expressed concern about this but gave up on me after a few years.
Haha… my mom is an introvert (at least to some extent) so she never pushed me to do anything I didn’t want to do. She let me move at my own pace. I was lucky .
I went through that as well. Although I used to always lie about the reason about why I couldn’t go. “Oh, I can’t, my mom didn’t let me.” Or, “I can’t, I have to go to this thing…” I always was afraid of what my so-called-friends thought.
Once we find out that we’re totally normal and that there are others who feel exactly the same way, it’s so much better. And now that you’re comfortable in your own skin life makes sense!
Well written and welll said. Interesting read, especially as my wife has just gone back to school to get, according to her, a proper degree; and I am planning to start studying soon too, when I get things sorted out.
She is doing it the usual way, going to school and showing up in class. When I start I will be studying by distance, so I will probably never meet my classmates.
One day when she came home she was talking very enthusiastic about how great it is to be back at school and it is so great to be surrounded with so many ggreat people. Yes, she is an extrovert; while I am an introvert.
I told her, which she already knew, that I was looking forward sudying by distance, because then I do not have to be social or meet up to useless lectures. She went into repeat about how going to school is so great, but I rudely stopped and told her that she ‘don’t have to sell it to me, as I know what I want, what I like and what works for me’.
It is becoming more and more common to be able to study from distance and for me it is a blessing. I have no interest in sharing a room with 20-40+ to listen to some person with a impressive degree, but with no teaching skills (yes, that happens). I actually leanr better by knowing what I need to know and finding it by reading it at my own speed and researching it as I see fit.
That is how I have learned most things in mmy life. Someone showed me where the water was and after that I found it how to drink from it, cook with it, wash with and so on.
And I do not need to be surrounded by people to be motivated to learn. The fact that I am studying something is the motivation itself; and that I made the decision to study it. Also I like to be selfsufficient and not having to rely on others if I am stuck with something. If I truly need hellp from someone else I want it to be my utter last resort.
Crap! I submitted without spell checking it. Sorry if it looks like I was on a bender when writing it. Oh, wait! Yes, let us pretend I was very drunk when I wrote it.
I’m with you, Xen. I love the distance learning thing.
I was miserable in high school. I was so glad to be done with it. I’m envious of all those people who can now do high school with online and distance learning. I would have loved that. Those pep assembly things would give me nightmares until I hit upon the idea of going to the counselor’s office to ask for a note to go to the library. They always dragged some poor soul out of the bleachers to do some awful thing to them–no way was that poor soul going to be me! My friends all did sports and drama club and all that stuff. They raved about how great it all was and when I tried it, I just didn’t have a good time. It was more fun to ride my horse (alone) or go for a walk in the woods near my house (alone).
I went to college and there were so many people in my classes and all over the campus that it was very easy to disappear. I spent a lot of time in the library, and I ate lunch alone every single day, which was wonderful. There were a few very determined extraverts who befriended me
and one introvert neighbor in the dorm who would wait up for me until I got home from a movie (I went alone all the time) to make sure I was okay. 
“Those pep assembly things would give me nightmares…”
Ugh… I can not stand this focus on socialisation at school. Fair enough, be nice to your classmates, but when I signup for school I intend to study and learn something. Sure, I might be an introvert, but I prefer to socialise on my spare time, not when I am busy getting a degree in something.
Of course, I can just see myself now when I start my study, being totally consumed by it and annoying the crap out of my wife as I pay more attention to my books than her.
To zen and Allie, I can relate to the both of you. I absolutely detested high school and basically school, in general, because of the forced socializing that occured. I just never really fit in with the crowd. Almost everyone else seemed to find their niche in a group of like minded people, but I never found such a group. The high school I attended was particularly bad because I ended up with classmates who were extroverted and socially adept and popular. There were a few people with whom I did get along, who were usually the more quiet, more studious types. For some reason, as a female, I also got along with the guys more than the girls. I’ve just always had an easier type getting along with guys. But for the most part, I was a loner.
Like you, Allie, I also hated the assemblies and would have done anything to get out of having to attend them. I usually hid out in the library or found a way to skip going to those social events because I really didn’t feel comfortable with having to go.
I attended a small college, and for the most part, I felt comfortable because I could be a loner and do my own thing, without having to face the scrutiny of other students. No body really cared what I was doing or not doing, and I liked that. But even so, if I had been more aware of correspondence courses and online colleges/distance learning, I would have probably done that instead of attending and dorming at a traditional four year college.
I am actually going back to college now, and I am doing it through distance learning. I’m planning on getting an associates degree, and I can do it right from the comfort of my own home and on my own schedule. A lot of colleges now offer online degree programs and they are legit, accredited schools, so the option is there for anyone who wants to go that route instead of having to do the traditional college experience.
I just got my BA through UOP online this month and I’m glad I did that. Most of my time was spent alone and the only time I had to communicate w/ classmates are through message boards. I save ton on gas!
I enjoyed my college experience while it lasted since no one ever forces me to do anything. I can be myself and no one cares….thanks goodness no more assemblies!
JW I also found myself having more guy friends than girls. For one thing, I guess the extroverted girls were more likely to make themselves more visible so I don’t know many introvert women, but the other is that guys don’t insist that I go shopping with them or cause me to participate in weddings or other events I dread. The extrovert guys in my life are fun and nice, but since I’m not a guy they don’t expect me to do everything with them.
Hey Christie, I agree with you about the extroverted girls making themselves more visible, usually because they tend to be louder and the force of their personalitites causes more attention to be on them. Yeah, when I was in school, I got along better with the guys because I didn’t really judge them or anything like that. I just accepted their personalities and talked to them without trying to seek attention. I think that they also saw me as being shy and quiet and they respected that about me. The guys never bullied me in school. The only ones who tried to bully me were some of the extroverted, attention seeking girls who loved to torment other people.
Oh yes, the wonderful companionship of a horse or other animal. They never bore us with the small talk!
Thanks Xen!
Oh yes, the online study is so awesome. I wish that had been available – I would have done all of high school that way.
Really well written!! I love the ending too. Knowing “what” you are, and you’re ahead of the game. No need to think you’re different or “broken”, compared to anybody else.
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Thanks for the kind words! Amen – we’re definitely not broken. We just usually don’t care to get into an argument with those who imply that we are.
Wish this post was around when I was in high school. I always felt so weird for not liking the things my fellow students did, like those God awful pep rallies, spirit days, and forced group work. I’m in college now and feel more comfortable in bigger classes (150+) than I do in the smaller classes (30 and under). I mostly keep to myself because the school that I attend right now is very heavy into drinking and partying, and I honestly just don’t see the point. I’d rather stay in my room and read a book, listen to music, or watch TV. But I’m very glad I discovered that I was an introvert in my first week of college because now I know there’s nothing wrong with me I just prefer different things.
I liked a big school and big classes too for college. It’s a lot easier to go your own way without someone “keeping track” of you and noticing when you do things alone.
I think you have been a big help to many Christie with your personal experiences. Glad you’re getting more comfortable in your writing. Proud of you and do keep up the great work.
Brianna,
Yes, there’s nothing wrong to follow your heart and do what truly interest you. Be yourself, with that, you are already a winner. As Christie pointed out ‘way ahead of the game’. All the best in life.
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Thanks Ching Ya! I appreciate the kind words!
I have a few friends when I was in college that were introvert. Unfortunately, wrong labels are associated with them. I think we just have to try and to reach out to them. I mean they are just a group of normal kids with a different interest compared to the majority…which makes them more interesting.
Amen – *normal kids*. And definitely more interesting!
I really like the way you write and the subject is very interesting.There is one thing I could not agree more “high school is not forever”:-)
Thanks!
I think high school might be the hardest place for introverts, at least for most.
For me, it was a couple years before high school. I remember spending the eighth grade practically holed up in the school library. Before school, after school, and after taking on odd jobs from the librarian, she let me eat my lunch there, too.
Yes, it’s looking like it might be the hardest time of all to be an introvert. So – introverted students out there, take heart! Once you get past high school, being a real individual with interests and passions and a few close friends/family can be a very happy and satisfying life!
I don’t miss high school. Not one bit. My circle of friends was decent, but they had lots of other friends from their extra-curricular activities and just generally being more adept at socializing so there was always some uncomfortable overlap hanging around with people I didn’t know and had no interest in getting to know. And you’d always get a “look” from these people like “who are you? what planet did you come from?”
Like some of the above, I hated dances. I avoided them like the plague. I went to the prom, because it *is* the prom after all. And while there were some uncomfortable moments, namely the damn “meet and greet” (barf), it was a pretty good experience overall. Especially the part that involved getting to dance with a girl I had a bit of a crush on (which was a HUGE deal at the time!) I still remember worrying about that like it was yesterday. “Should I ask now? Maybe now? Will she want to? What if she says no? Hell, what if she says YES? What do you do then? Where are my hands suppose to go? ”
Good times. Good times.
Social aspect aside, I also wasn’t a fan of the academic part. I was good at it, but the sheer irrelevance of it all drove me batty. To this day I have yet to encounter a situation where I needed to find X or simplify an algebraic expression.
Bottom line, I’m glad I can talk about this in the past tense.
Hey I also want to admit that I was also introvert in high school and couldn’t talk with students when I first went for high school..After sometime I made good friends..I do appreciate your las sentence of this post that we should be relax and just be your self as I also believe this.
Yes, sometimes it’s really hard – because we build up so many layers of things that we start to think of as “ourselves,” but the good, comfortable, genuine self is always best.
I kinda thought that school was this way in the UK, where I live.
Evidently, similar ways appear in schools worldwide.
I totally agree with your definitions of popularity. In school, a kid is popular if he/she is socially feared. As you get older, you find that the ‘required criteria’ for being popular changes to the actual positive qualities you have, rather than it being based on a childish hierarchy, or fear.
Much Love
Sam
Yes, thank goodness. As adults we can value those who keep their word, who are nice and polite, who are honest… Of course there will always be life-of-the-party types who get a lot of attention, but in the adult world there’s room for everyone.
To be concise, thank you for writing this post; it truly warms my heart! I feel so lucky to realize who I am, how I am, and that I’m not alone. I think its really important to remember that we are all whole and complete, as we are. I think I’m just beginning to really realize that.
Thank you.
You’re definitely not alone!
You’re a complete person – a person who a lot of people probably enjoy being around very much. And you’re an introvert!
ugghh…the pep rallies. Those terrified me. Still do. I always wanted to go to one, just to laugh at the ‘pointlessness’ of it all, but I always chickened out. After all, I had better things to do: read a book, do research for my novel, work on a painting…what’s the point in pointing and laughing at the school mascot, running through hula hoops and doing the ‘wave?’ Glad to know it wasn’t just me.
Dances weren’t very popular in my high school, for in past years fights had always broken out, and alcohol smuggled in. Nowadays, there’s one or two a year if we’re lucky, and only a select amount of students go, the same group every time. After every dance, there would be some episode of ‘drama’ I would hear about on Monday, ‘so-in-so did what? And then he said what?!’
Middle school was rougher for me. Sixth and seventh grade were the toughest two years of my life. The transition from my small school into middle school was a huge shock to my introverted nature, and I basiclly shut down completely. I developed a chronic stutter, not the “c-c-c-ould” type, but the type whereas I could not properly control my breathing and beginning of words. I avoided eye contact at all times. I sat in the corner. I was not able to speak when called upon for an answer.
And we had dances. We did not have to go, but it was ‘highly encouraged’ by the teachers alike, since it was only $2. I got there, looked around and immediately wanted to leave. It simply wasn’t exciting for me. I ended up in the art room watching a DVD instead.
Those years really can be hard on an introvert, and a lot of it is due to the fact that most of it is designed by extroverts! “Everyone! You’re all new at this school so you must come to the mixer tomorrow night!” Some thrive on that and some just pray it will be over soon. It can definitely be a time of shutting down – as our only defense when the world won’t back off even a little!
Hope you’re doing fine now and thriving!
thank you! I didn’t understand the ‘meaning’ behind any of those mixers.
Am I doing fine? Yes, but thriving, no. The job I currently have leaves me with NO alone time whatsoever during my shift, which I desperately need, and the amount I get paid depends on my “quirkiness and talkative nature” which I can be at times, but only after my recharging alone time, and never in long stretches. This constant socialization drains my energy so fast that I am left at a loss, wanting to be out of there ASAP. Being a bartender/waitress is NOT a job that suits me. I lie in bed dreading the next time I have to work (which is tomorrow, gah.), which puts me in a constant anxious state.
However, this situation isn’t nearly as bad as those tween years I had to go through. At least I’m getting paid ‘some’ for my anguish.
(sorry if I was babbling! @.@)
I’m so glad I discovered this blog
It’s nice to know that I’m not alone. Being an introvert can be isolating at times. I don’t mind going to social events on occasion, but if I’m going to several in one week or even a couple of weeks, it just gets to be too much. Sometimes it seems like an ordeal going to them.
Exactly. Once in a while is fine, but yes, having too many before we’ve “recovered” from the first one really is an ordeal. I’ll bet there are lot of people who are too ashamed to admit that even to themselves, so we humans continue to cram as many events into the calendar as we can!
This was the best thing I’d read all day! And trust me, that means something because I spend my entire day reading, literally! I am definitely one of those who likes to socialise in small doses, but only with people I know really well; throw me in with a stranger or even just an acquaintance, and I’ll clam up. Frankly, I am loving high school, and am terrified at the prospect of starting college, even though my school is tiny with less than 600 kids, so the cliques and the “popular groups” are even worse because everybody knows all about everybody else, so it’s not just that the unpopular ones get ignored, they get stared at and labeled as weird or dorky. Trust me, a high school brand takes a long time to fade away!
Thanks Emily! I’m glad you’re enjoying high school, and I hope you find a college that is a great fit for you. I thoroughly enjoyed my college years, but since my parents’ house was just 30 miles away I was able to ease into living on campus .
High School was definitely hard for me. Mainly due to the fact that it was extremely small, with less than 300 students, so it was impossible to disappear. And, if I left my small group of friends for a second or if I didn’t act happy and cheerful, then something was suddenly happening to me. One time, I sort of admired this girl, because I thought she was like me, and she didn’t seem to care about what others would think and say about her. Unfortunately, when I tried to befriend her I realized that I was wrong — she just didn’t like her classmates enough to be their friends.
That’s a tough situation, being in such a small environment that you can’t get a breath of fresh air, the facial expression police watching you every minute. That’s a shame about the one girl who turned out to not be friend material, but I’ll bet there are others who are not into all the loud, shallow stuff. They’re just hard to detect with all the noise created by the majority!
High school is tough and for many it is even tougher when others do not understand them or do not even try.
Yep, high school kids (and adults too) are often too busy with their own concerns to realize that others’ differences are worth understanding instead of criticizing.
I was shy type in school days, not now. There was many bad guys in my class who always interferes in others business, completely they don’t know respect. And sure school days sucked. I hated it very much. Not everything is same for everyone. You know what i mean. Anyway that shit is over before many years.
This is absolutely right that you said ——we have strong urges to be with others and to find that special someone too.
Its not that easy to find an Introvert. I never find that special one.
One of the best coaching I received to help me manage my introverted nature was from a professor who taught our class to look at the world around us as though it was a stage. He made each student create different roles for themselves (i.e. the counsellor, the artist, the teacher etc.) and made us practice each part so we could call it up on demand. I use this technique now when I have give presentations to large groups of people.
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Good idea – and the practice makes it happen easily and naturally just when you need it!
Good idea also. Sometimes we face some unknown thing, which is very difficult to tolerate.But for a successful life it is very essential to tolerate them.So it is best way to practice and contact with several persons.Many boys are now addicted and some are in hyper activity.But it is a social problem, and it is very essential to run them in our society for cure.
High School can be difficult for most of us especially if you are a transferee. It is really true that there are people who can make your life hell in high school but what’s important is what you do about it. You can let it affect you or you make your high school life the best you could.