Reader wonders how to understand an introvert male friend

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Dear IntrovertZone,

So the situtation is I have been friends with this guy for about two years and only just recently realized he’s an introvert. At first I thought he was just shy and awkward but he can have really genuine conversations with brand new people and really enjoys hosting people. That said, he often likes to be by himself, is totally content to pursue his hobbies/work of photography and painting alone, and discerning his thoughts or feelings is really hard unless he chooses to share them. So during our friendship I got confused on signals if he was into me and I’m not sure if his interest waned as he started pursuing a mutual friend of ours a few months ago. However that didn’t last very long as they both agreed they were better as friends.

I guess my question is – how after this do I tell if he sees me more than a friend/attracted to me. I’m definintely an extrovert but I also recharge being by myself. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has this type of situtation. I see him about 2x a week through church events so it’s usually in larger groups and getting alone together is not so easy all the time. But yes we are pretty good friends just I don’t want to text him or email him to scare off our friendship. Any ideas?

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18 Comments

  1. Sit on his lap and see what pops up.

    But seriously, does he ever go out of his way to spend time with you, or do you a favor? If so, then he’s attracted to you. Guys aren’t that complicated about this stuff.

    The fear of “spoiling the friendship” has to be the most overblown worry in the history of the universe, especially when you’re talking about a guy. (I’ve said the same thing, as a guy talking about a girl, and what it always really meant was, “I’m afraid she’ll say no and I’d rather wonder than be turned down.”) If you make a move and he’s not into you, it’s not going to “scare him off the friendship” unless you’re a stalker about it. Just say, “Hey, wanna come over and watch a movie some time?” If he begs off and seems embarrassed, change the subject and don’t bring it up again. There’s no reason for that to interfere with your friendship.
    Aaron B.´s last post ..Video Tours of Poppe’s

  2. In my own opinion, he’s into you if after that incident he’ll pursue you again and he’ll stick with that too. Don’t let him affect you the most because you’ll look like very eager to have him so don’t do anything unless he makes the first move.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Jade Tan
    Jade Tan´s last post ..How To Get A Girl To Like You

  3. IMO Aaron is right. I also have a friend who has a similar situation with a guy. She is too scared to make a move to find out if there is something between them. Keeping it subtle is key to finding out, like Aaron said ask them to come over for a movie. Smile, have a good time and make yourself look more stunning than normal. In that kind of mood if you try a little flirtation, you’ll soon know your answer.
    Rachel@ how to look beautiful´s last post ..How To Get Clear Skin

  4. It’s a very difficult and complicated situation you’re in. My husband used to be an introvert during our studies. We got to know each other at the university. He was the sweetest guy, but he was an extreme introvert. He told me after a few years that he was always scared and afraid from the extroverted girls, he had got fears if a girl wanted something from him. I would suggest you to reach it someway to get him out of his comfort zone, and don’t tell him directly that you like him. Make him feel that he should take in action and get your love.
    Catwoman@fogbeültetés´s last post ..fogbeültetés

  5. You’re right, it’s a very difficult and complicated situation you’re in. My husband used to be an introvert during our studies. We got to know each other at the university. He was the sweetest guy, but he was an extreme introvert. He told me after a few years that he was always scared and afraid from the extroverted girls, he had got fears if a girl wanted something from him. I would suggest you to reach it someway to get him out of his comfort zone, and don’t tell him directly that you like him. Make him feel that he should take in action and get your love.
    Catwoman´s last post ..fogbeültetés

  6. Since you know he’s an introvert, I think its your turn to think of a way for him to trust you. I know it’ll be hard but since you are friends already why not ask him jokingly, I hope he won’t feel bad though.

  7. Aaron is right. Just ask him. Don’t try to be subtle or joke about it because you’d just be giving off mixed messages and then you won’t have your answer no matter what his response is. So, just be honest and up front about it.

    This really isn’t an introvert vs extrovert thing.

  8. Now I know why I am the way I am!!!! I dread going out to family holiday like Christmas and thanksgiving, but once I am there I am happy enjoying the company of my family… But by the end if the day I can’t wait to to home! I am a single mother and my daughter is definently an extrovert and she makes me exhausted… I feel like a bad mom cause sometimes I just want to tell her to be quiet… She is always going!!!!

  9. I agree with Aaron and Rachel… but I also sympathize with you situation. It can be hard to read signals in a situation like this, especially if the other person is naturally guarded. If that is the case, you might just have to take a leap of faith and see what happens!

  10. Thanks everyone for your tips and encouragement! While I know this isn’t necessarily an introvert/extrovert per se question, I want to respect him as my friend and not push beyond his comfort zone.

  11. That’s nice to hear that you’ve already decided what to do and think of him and your friendship’s welfare than putting yourself first. If he is truly attracted to you, he’ll find a way and overcome his introvert side for even just a moment.

  12. I think the best way to know the truth is ask him seriously and directly. It’s not bad to ask him that way because it’s about your feeling. Whether you like it or not, you need to do that. I know it’s hard but just think that it’s for both of you. Good Luck to you and I hope he can share his thoughts to you.

  13. I’m in an extremely similar situation. He and I are both introverts, only I’m one of those bubbly types. We’ve been friends for a couple of years- we’re both single parents and we’ve been doing the playdate/lunchdate thing for that long. We’ve also both got past trauma and are quite guarded. I fell for him about a year ago and wrote him a very pretty note. I expected him to disappear, but he didn’t. Instead, he’s been around and we’ve continued to be friendly. Unfortunately, the confusion involved in this situation is taking its toll on me… probably on him, too. I’m so tired of skirting this issue, but I feel like I don’t have a choice. Anyway, you’re not alone. All the best.

  14. If you are that concern about about it and you have feelings for this guy be yourself and continue with your friendship and see where it leads you.
    Sandy´s last post ..dermology

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