Love between two introverts?

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Dear IntrovertZone,

I was wondering if an introvert and an introvert could have a good loving relationship? Or will a relationship for an introvert only work with an extrovert? My therapist tells me introvert/introvert relationships will never work. It’s a stuck relationship. But my gut feels strongly against it. Any advice?

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92 Comments

  1. I’m an introvert married to an introvert and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We really bolster each other through exhausting interactions with extraverts and we completely understand what recharging, space and being left the hell alone really mean. We also push each other to fulfill our external obligations, but with understanding and compassion. Extraverts never get it and are always trying to change you, or they just feel hurt and make you feel guilty about not gabbing all day long.

    • TheTravelingHermit on

      I don’t think extreme introversion or extroversion is healthy. But the two of you sound like you’re doing great with not pigeon-holeing yourselves into a total disconnect. I married an extreme extrovert (she can’t take a bath without me to talk to or Facebook on the iphone). We balance each other really well, and she can recognize when I need to get out of my head, and I can see when she needs to close those lips and focus on a task.

      I hate to think what would have happened if I married an introvert. I have other social issues that keep me away from people, and being introverted just makes it a slippery slope. But. it sounds like you guys are doing great, and I’m happy for you! Way to go!

      • TheTravelingHermit on

        Thanks Donna, you just saved me from having to reply. And you did it with tact!..something I’m having a difficult time using lately.

      • Donna, Ernest didn’t mean that introversion/extroversion is a personality flaw, but rather that the difference between two people in this aspect could be perceived by the pair as a problem or at least a cause for concern.

    • @Chad: Totally agree! I actually feel quite repulsed by extroverts (as I’m sure many of them must feel about our ilk). The few relationships I’ve had with them — for shallow reasons — have never ended well. It’s always go-go-go, incessant chatter, big toothy grins ugh

  2. I think they will both jive with each other since they have similar traits and they both understand each other… Anyway, its the love that counts for their marriage to work out.
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  3. I think that an introvert/introvert couple would be the best possible scenario! Both parties need their space, so it doesn’t fall into the pattern of one person needing space and the other wanting to crowd the first. I am guessing your therapist is an extrovert.

  4. Im an introverted female and have always been attracted to introverted men because I can appreciate their introvert inclinations, especially their need (and mine) for space to recharge before resuming meaningful banter! I think an introvert and introvert relationship is the ideal match made in introvert heaven! an extrovert can be fun company and can keep a conversation flowing but i only appreciate this in small doses.

    • My husband and I are both introverts. He is a shy introvert. We have been married 26 years. The therapist should be dumped!

    • I don’t understand how two introverts together is not the best possible scenario. I need my space as an introvert, and extroverts are always crowding my space. It is a constant battle.

      • TheTravelingHermit on

        It’s a matter of love, respect, and understanding. If your extrovert mate is not willing to give you space and time, then they’re lacking in one of those departments. For me, a pretty extreme introvert, an introverted partner would have been too much and I would probably spiral into self-absorbed oblivion. Having an extroverted wife has given me balance and a challenge to overcome obstacles which have led to solutions when dealing with highly social situations.

        Two introverts together? Sure, if they’re healthy and balanced. Any combination of extroversion/introversion can have a terrific relationship.

  5. I disagree with your therapist, me and my hubby (both introverts) have been happily married for 12 years now. The only issue is when we visit my extrovert mother-in-law who tries to bring us to everyone she knows parties or get together whenever we visit. Thankfully my in laws live about 5 states away. I had relationships with both introverts and extroverts before meeting my husband, my worst relationships were with extroverts. When breaking up with one extrovert his main complaint was the fact that I never wanted to get to all the events he liked to attend. With my husband we don’t have that problem and completely understand each other. We still here complaints from other family members on both sides for having a tiny destination wedding with just us and our parents. But dealing with so many people (we both have big families) for so many hours like with a traditional wedding with no chance to recharge was just impossible to imagine.

    • I had a destination wedding too in the hopes of avoiding a circus, but my extrovert in-laws still managed to lure a 130 guests there. I just had my parents, four friends and an aunt.

      • Wow 130 guests you have my sympathies. I could not handle so many people at one time with all the attention being on me, especially having to meet and greet all or most of them.

      • I find myself unable to visit with anyone when I’m at a large gathering. My own wedding should have been a destination wedding, but I’d never heard of that. I was 16 hubby 17, no body should have been there,lol, but we ended up with hundreds of spectators.

  6. I just divorced an extrovert after 20 years of misunderstandings, expectations which led to disappointments….it was always SOO hard to be with him. Tried and tried for years. He never understood my need for alone time, always asking what was wrong, what did he do, how can he fix it….never believed me when I said nothing is wrong. Always talking and talking and talking and being loud and verbose in public (about me too…UGH), wanting extreme PDA, drawing attention to himself and us and I was ALWAYS having to repeat myself over and over…gah!…There were many other issues but I was totally overwhelmed for 20 years and 4 kids later….he’s not a bad guy, we just don’t get along married….drove me nuts…

    Now I am in a relationship with an introvert, the peace is surreal. He tells me all the time how he can’t believe how well I get him and I can’t believe how well he gets me. There’s never any pressure with us…anytime we have issues, we work them out calmly without tons of dramatics and blame and move on with everything settled. But the calm and peace…is amazing. And there is no lack of passion, either…
    What’s interesting, he said in the beginning I would grow bored of him, as all the others before me had….I don’t find him boring in the least…LOL

    I’m sure introverts and extroverts can survive and have thriving relationships that far exceed my own, but it was a huge huge contention in my experience.

    • Wow, that sounds just like my marriage. 14 years of marriage to an extrovert. It started off well enough, but just went downhill. She never understood the need to get away and recharge, either. In fact, she always viewed my need to get away as rejection of her, and it seemed no explanation could convince her otherwise. I will agree with you that I think that introvert/extrovert relationships can do well, but I think that it requires an extrovert who is very willing to understand the introvert’s differences, and works to accommodate those differences.

      I’m dating again, and was on here reading about the experiences of two introverts in a relationship. Looking back, I’ve only had serious relationships with extroverts – not really even through a conscientiousness choice, it’s just how it’s happened. I’ve been talking to more introverts lately, and it definitely is different. Some of the interactions that I’ve had have been great, there’s just this intuitive understanding that was always lacking before, and a real desire for deep conversations. There are other things that I’m not used to, such as making sure to spend time focusing on how each other is feeling about the relationship. How do some of you deal with that need in introvert/introvert relationships.

  7. I think being an introvert to introvert relationship is not bad at all. It is like both of you having the same interests. I think I like it better because you’ll be living in a quite lifestyle than shouting at each other everytime.

  8. I’m an introvert, married to another introvert for 16 years and going strong. It works. It’s funny; when it’s just the two of us together it’s as though we’re both extraverts, we share in great conversation and are respectful of each other’s point-of-view. It’s only when we get out among others that our introvertedness really shows. then we just hold hands, put up with the loudmouthes and wait until we can be together again. Anyway, introverts rock. They are the best listeners and have the best sense of compassion for others.

  9. Personally, I think it would work SO much better. I’m married to an extrovert and he knows what I am lol. Seriously though, I can’t stand it. We have somewhat of an understanding where we he attends some social/family events I find tiring and trivial alone. However, big however…his friends constantly at the house during week nights when I have work the next day. I turn into the meanest, nastiest person you could ever meet. I’d prefer a spouse who enjoyed being at home with me and relaxing or doing projects much more than one who HAS to go out partying or to his family parties every weekend. If you are single now or unmarried, just remember, who you are and what your boundaries are and if you honestly deep down think you can handle an extrovert as a husband/significant other.

    • Ouch, poor you! I’d turn mean too if I found people other than my husband in my house everyday. How does HE react to your temperament though?

  10. Your therapist only thinks that an introvert/introvert relationship will never work because they see introversion as something to fix. I have been married to my introverted husband for 23 years. We met on the school bus when we were 15 and have been together since. It is wonderful and peaceful.

  11. Actually I would think that an introvert and an introvert would be great together. They would actually understand each other whereas an introvert and an extrovert would seem almost so opposite that they might never be able to see eye to eye. Obviously two people who believe a great date is staying at home cuddled up on the couch would do better together than a couple where one person enjoyed staying at home with a movie and the other one always wanted to go out and be the center of attention in a crowd.

    Of course if the introvert isn’t happy with being an introvert, then they would probably want to date an extrovert to help bring them out of their shell.
    Derek Maak @ Text Your Ex Back´s last post ..Text Your Ex Back Examples • Michael Fiore Texts

  12. Two introverts may find a hard time expressing each other. But if given sometime, they would be the perfect match for each other.

    But I have also seen introverts go well along with extroverts.
    I guess it differs :)

  13. This is my first time commenting on this site. I am male introvert who is suddenly curious about other introverts on the internet. I am married to an extrovert and unfortnately all is not well. By reading the comments it looks like a majority of the introverts are happily married to other introverts. And I think that is what I need. Hi, everyone!

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