Introverts may need plenty of alone time, but we also need love, and we love our special person fiercely. I was asked a few days ago to get into how introverts handle love and possibly rejection, so this post is a start. There are so many in-depth things about introverts and love that will also need to be talked about in the coming days and weeks, so I’ll start with some general observations about how love may be different for us.
1. We think a lot. We ruminate and dwell on things, while extroverts are chit-chatting about what happened in traffic or talking over each other about the game they saw on TV. Of course we’re busy thinking of all sorts of things, but our brains are working so hard it’s a wonder we don’t smell smoke sometimes.
2. We have only so much energy to spend with other people each day, so when we have someone to love we have to choose how much time to spend with them. If we just go on and spend all of our people time with our loved one, then we end up not nurturing other relationships – friends and family. We may even find ourselves drained spending as much time with our new loved one as we want to. We want to be with them, but after an extended time we also may find we are so exhausted we can hardly talk.
3. If we are dating or married to an extrovert, they may find life boring when we don’t want to go to parties every night (or even many nights). They may decide to make it a project to “draw us out of our shell.” They may be hurt when we don’t accompany them everywhere or tell them all of our thoughts. In fact, they may report to us that their other friends and family ask them, “Is there a problem?” if we are not at every single event that is held, no matter how many of those exhausting events there are. It is so important to try to talk to our extrovert and come up with a compromise so that he/she is not bored or lonely and we are not exhausted or filled with dread of social events all the time.
4. If we are dating or married to an introvert, we may find a wonderful time of doing things together, sharing undemanding, comfortable time together. The main problem I have seen here (don’t ask me how I know this) is that since we may both avoid conflict at all costs, little things that annoy the other person will never be heard until it is a big thing. We may go on for years with another introvert and each think the other knows how they feel about things, because neither of us is going to talktalktalk about our *feelings* all the time. Once again it’s important to talk to the other introvert and try not to hurt his/her feelings, but try to make sure there are no long-term misunderstandings or resentments.
5. When we start dating someone and have to start doing things around their family and large group of friends, we may find ourselves feeling really awkward at gatherings. What can we do except sit with a self-conscious smile as they all make their inside jokes and talk about things we know nothing about? What I’ve done in the past is to start talking first to whichever person seems the most approachable, listening to them and responding appropriately. I don’t want to be an anchor around their neck though, so I move on naturally after a reasonable time and talk to another person who looks friendly. In that way there won’t be a big group consensus of, “Dave’s new girlfriend is stuck up and aloof,” since gradually I will have talked to everyone in a friendly manner. Just not all at once. 
What about rejection?
Rejection is awful for anyone, but for us we might think about it night and day, replaying the fatal argument or what-ifs.
Sadly, if we have neglected friendships and other relationships during the happy time with our loved one, we may now not have one intimate friend to sympathize with us. Of course we vary in the amount we’d want to tell someone else, but as a woman I’ve always enjoyed to my sister and one other close friend. The rest of the world may keep asking, “What’s wrong?” or telling you “Smile!” but we really don’t want those people talking about us or our lives anyway.
Since we are introverts and don’t have boundless energy for people, we are not as likely to go to activities in the evenings after work where we might find someone new. Instead, we may go home from work each day totally spent as far as people-energy, spending the evening alone in our homes. My suggestion here is to go out when a friend does invite you out. Go out for a drink or dinner with friends, but take your own car so you know you will not have to stay late. Also I have had one girlfriend try a dating service that was a really nice one, It’s Just Lunch: There’s nothing to lose but your single life. She met a couple of great boyfriends through them, and eventually married one. The point is to keep your mind open to meeting someone new when you are ready.
The worst thing of all is the huge hole the rejection will leave in your life. We introverts don’t have 30 close friends; we have fewer relationships and they are very deep. The loss of this person feels like a death to us, and we need to grieve. There’s no getting around that part, but time does help. So will finding someone new.
There are 16 personality types (8 of them introverts) according to the MBTI, and there are two genders. So all of the above considerations are going to be a bit different for each introvert. I would truly appreciate if anyone has anything to add to this that might help another introvert. Please leave your comment below, or you can just click “Reply” to reply to each others’ comments. I will write more related posts in the coming days.
Photo credit: CAVE CANEM
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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
I found your blog via Google, and this particular post really hit close to home for me. I’ve only ever ‘dated’ three girls, and they all ended up dumping me in the end–they also all never felt as strongly as I did about them. As you said in your post, each time it feels like a death. I’m a Sophomore Philosophy major in college, along with being an ISTJ Introvert, and having a kidney condition–needless to say, I don’t go out much. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that relationships just aren’t for me. In three years I’ll be out of college and in Grad school (an online course to become a Librarian), but I just don’t see myself with anyone at this point. The possible rejection hurts too much, and so does the end of the relationship–which, undoubtedly will follow.
I hope I’m not the only one who thinks that a quiet life with a Companion Parrot sounds nice!
Hi Mattheous! I totally respect what you’re saying, and a quiet life with a Companion Parrot does sound nice! On the other hand, at this point please don’t get discouraged or rule out having someone in your life if you want to later. You’re going to meet all sorts of people at college and after you get out, and I really hope you’ll meet a cool girl who deserves you! Thanks so much for your comment, and please keep coming back to Introvert Zone.
…We’ll see. Sometimes I feel too much like The Doctor…
Much like Mattheous here I stumbled upon your blog while browsing on google for articles on Introversion. See, I’m only 17 so I want to find out as much as I can before this introvert is thrown into the “real world”. Except that often times I feel I live more in the “real world” than a preponderance of the people around me.
This article in particular helped me with my boyfriend, I sent him the link, because he’s very much extroverted but he tries so hard to make me happy but me being me makes it hard to convey my thoughts to him. (they always just seem so alien.) He’s 20 a footbal player in high school and the girls swooning like crack addicts so by the time I met him, about a year ago, he’d had plenty of girls saying they loved him as soon as they saw him, but I didn’t, I refused. I was the quiet girl in the bowling alley, with my team, during class and the other girl threw herself at him, I was almost too shy too open my mouth, but somehow he took a liking to me. We’ve been together officially for eight months and I didn’t say ‘I love you’ until two months into it. He knows now that when I say that I love him I actually mean he’s my soul. LOVE is so limiting. Anyway thanks to this article we’ve learned a lot more about each other, or he’s learned more about me (I’m the observer.=]) So sorry I’ve wasted so much of your space I was just overwhelmingly extactic that I found your blog!
Thanks,
Shannon
Hey Shannon – that’s awesome! It’s wonderful that he was able to look past all the fawning girls to the quiet one he wanted to get to know. You’re definitely doing something right – just being yourself! I hid your email address from your second comment so you wouldn’t get thousands of weird emails.
I don’t have any specific advice. You’re a smart girl, and you’ll do great out in the “real” world!
I just recently just found about myself ( better late than never) even though I knew I was different. Did some research ( I know I know thats what we do), Im a guardian. I m married to a extreme ex talking is his specialty Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Hahaa….oh my!
It really is good to know it though, instead of thinking something’s wrong with you or with your husband. This way you know when it’s time to say – “I need some ‘me time’!”
I’m a 29 yr old guy and have been an introvert for the majority of my life. I’ve been in a relationship with an amazing girl for the last 7 months and things were going really well till last night when she told me that my introversion is kind of a deal-breaker even though all my other qualities are to her liking. I found your blog while looking for ways to change my personality so I won’t lose her and felt that it was spot on with respect to my situation. I’ve only had a handful of people in my life that I’ve been close to and breaking ties is like death. Now I’ve started dreading the day she’ll leave me because I don’t talk incessantly or shy away from conversations in social settings. I work full time and am in grad school so when I’m outside those settings I’m pretty much drained. I know it’s hard to teach an old dog tricks but what’s is there any hope left for me to be less introverted? Thanks.
Hi Enigma – I hope lots of others will chime in with good ideas to try, but I wanted to say something fast because here it is Friday and you may see her tonight. Lots of couples manage by compromising.
If she loves parties and you hate them, then something like deciding on a certain number or type of parties you’ll go to – and letting her go to the others with a group of friends – might work. The same goes for other activities, of course. And she could even enjoy talking on and on sometimes and let you listen.
It all depends on if she really cares for YOU, or if she’s decided she wants a wild party boy. And that’s not you. I’d say, don’t try to change your true self, because it really wouldn’t come off as real, and you couldn’t fake it for long anyway. But be your BEST self. If you just don’t want to be bothered with an activity but it would mean a lot to her, then why not go.. then I would hope she also cares about what means a lot to you. I hope you’ll find yourself with someone who loves the real you – whether it’s her or someone else. Although I know we hope it’s her.
IntrovertZone´s last post ..Respect my introversion- please!
Hi Enigma,
I definitely understand what you mean when you feel drained, and here’s something that might help. Being an introvert in a relationship with an extroverted individual, I’m usually ‘following along’ if I’m not exactly interested in the activity or event that’s about to go on. However, in order to enjoy this, I’ve found that you just have to let go of the notion that it’s boring – look for something else within that environment that excites you, and possibly, share it with the people around you. By doing this, you will at least give off the appearance that you’re enjoying your time, and none will be wiser if you’re really involved in an ‘act’ of some sort to deal with the situation in a positive manner, or if you’re actually enjoying the event. Cheers
Hi Enigma,
I will be very frank with you as we are in the same age range and have similar experiences.
First of all, don’t change. You are who you are. What most people forget in regards to introversion and extraversion is that they are personality traits. They are hardwired in your brain. It is kind of like telling a gay person to be less gay or a woman to be less feminine. It is unlikely to happen and it is pretty rude to do so.
On the other hand, you can of course adapt, but the best way is to let people who you are and tell them about what makes you tick. Then they will understand, hopefully, why act the way you do.
Kind of like telling someone you don’t want to go on a ferris wheel because you are scared of heights. People will understand if you explain why.
Of course, you will always meet the person that is not willing to understand, but best choice is to surround yourself with those who do not only understand who you are, but also respect who you are.
My wife is an extravert, and she kind of forgets now and then that I am an introvert and thinks I want to go out all the time and get a bit frustrated when I want to be left alone. Luckily she hasn’t told me my personality is a deal-breaker, but it might also has to do with the fact that I put my foot down pretty hard to let her know I don’t want to do something. It’s not that she is inconsiderate and I am a douche about it, it is more about I’m being very clear about where the line is. And explain that I really need my down-time, or else I will unwillingly be grumpy because I am tired.
I’ve had ex-friends and ex-girlfriends that has not always been too respectful in regards to my introversion, which is why they are all ex-something now.
I will be extremely blunt with you now. First you should find some articles that explains introversion. I could suggest a few to you, but I’ll just give you where you can start looking, so you can find the articles that explains it the way you want it, and in a way your girlfriend will hopefully understand it. Here is a good start, Introvert Zone, I have a few articles on my blog, .random[oid] and Psychology Today might also have a few good ones.
Ask her to read the articles you have selected and sit down and talk to her. Try to make her understand that you both need to respect each other. I’m pretty sure you respect her extaversion, so it is more or less time for her to show that equal respect towards your introversion.
If she still is not willing to work with you on this, like you should do in any relationship. Then I would actually suggest and show her that the “deal” is over between you guys. I know it sounds a bit harsh, but she has generally told you that you need to change your personality so she can like you.
That is kind of like a guy telling another guy that is gay that he needs to stop being gay or else they can’t be friends anymore.
I know I might be a bit strict, but I speak from experience. First she will try to change your introversion, soon it will be something else.
I hope what I wrote made sense and that you found it helpful.
If you have more questions for me, just ask. I don’t mind helping a brother out.
Dr. W´s last post ..Ask the dokter
I am sorry that she can’t see & support you for who you are. I’ve been in your place & I understand your frustrations.
I learned that being with someone who appreciates all of me is way better than fighting against myself in a relationship that will always ask for more.
It still all comes down to energy (& love) & how you want to use it….
I wish you the best
Thanks everyone for the awesome help for Enigma! There’s also a suggestion for him on our Facebook page.
I was interested to read your view on relationships and I am glad I found this article on your blog. Actually your whole blog is very interesting to read. Anyway, it is notable that you say as introverts you need space from the person you love no matter how much you want to be with them, and constant interaction with them drains you. I find that to be true about myself also when I am in a relationship. Yet, what I have noticed that in general this particular need to get away from your significant other for some time is more pronounced in men v. women.
Elaine@Commitment Advice´s last post ..Why Men Who Seem To Avoid Some Women Chase Others
I just found this site this week also while I was firs looking up how to have conversations, then the owner/writer of another mentioned introverts which brought me here. I appreciate the sense of validation for my experience and the feeling of encouragement and possibility.
There’s a few things that resonated with me
-Feeling the hardship of losing a friendship/connection that meant something to you
-The challenges of seeming boring to friends, partners, people you just want to connect more with to maybe be friends, and trying to do things to keep the extravert around
-Integrating yourself into an unfamiliar group (like your significant other’s friends or family). I myself got introduced to an online game where you team together with others against another team. And then both trying to get into one of the existing clans AND also having to learn and develop and get skilled, well all that has made for a really draining and further separating experience.
Though to get back on topic with this article, connecting with your loved ones, whether family, best friends, or a partner. I find it hard to use verbal communication in order to connect. It may be both my introverted tendencies along with not growing up in any communicative environment, talking/dialogging to connect is daunting. I know people can choose to stay committed to each other regardless of the amount of communication, but at the same time we want loving exchange, right?
Hi, I have just recently starting dating an introvert. I am an extrovert. I can say, I have never felt so much love and deep feelings from someone. I truly love most of the personality traits that come with loving an introvert. I do want to mention though, that because extroverts are more “popular” we don’t have it any easier. I spend most of my time trying to sort out the introverts wants and needs. I don’t mind for the most part, but sometimes it would be nice to be understood as an extrovert and have the introvert worry about what my needs are.
I’m just sayin…
Hi,
This is a great article and has helped me identify this guy,( who has come to be very special to me) as being an introvert and with whom I have been spending a lot of time with the past 6 months or so. What i still do not understand is whether he feels something for me or am i just a friend to him? He has a long time girlfriend but we spend a major part of the weekdays talking to each other or chatting to each other. And he always tries to be here for me as far as possible. The nights when we do not talk is when his girlfriend is at his place and he has specifically requested that I do not call or talk to him during this time unless i have some big problem.
I am very very confused about him given that he says that I am special to him and he comes to talk to me when i tried avoiding him or withdrawing from him. He believes that a guy and a girl cannot be just friend or even just best friends. He never lets any of his emotion show. He always notices if someone touches me whenever we are in the same room and comments on it when we are alone together. He barely misses anything with respect to what i wear or make up or something. I know he isn’t well when i try to avoid him or talk less to him given that i have feelings for him ( and he knows about it) and he has a girlfriend.
I will really want to understand what he is feeling on this. I think we can have something great together but at the same time if he is happy with his gf whom i think he loves, i would just try to move on. Somebody help me understand my special introvert…I want him to be happy, even if away from me or i have to stay as just a friend but at least i will know where i stand. He refuses to answer whenever i ask about this…
Thank you for the blog. It really helps. I have been struggling to understand my boyfriend. I have never have relationship with an introvert before so it has been very confusing for me. I do love him very much and deep down I believe he does too. So I’m willing to know and understand him better.
Read your comments on the blog about introverts — I , too , have never had a relationship w/ this type of person and it’s a different experience. We have told each other we love each other , are there for each other but it is a struggle sometimes. This blog is a help with some of it
Wow…great blog. You really hit the nail on the head with your analysis! Good stuff!
Hello, I am both autistic and definately introverted. I am 17 now and have never officially dated anyone. Recently I was rejected by the only girl I have ever actually had feelings for, she has tons of friends. And has gone out with more guys and girls than I have friends. She is always saying she loves her friends and things like that, but when I said I loved her she really knew I meant it, and she said I was making her uncomfortable. Everyone said these things don’t last long, and that I would get over it, but even after months I havn’t and they just seem to get mad. It makes me believe they really havn’t been through this, or they would understand. I lack the will to try and even deal with people again much less go out with someone, even now that would feel like betrayal. This really is like death.
Alex – I’m so sorry that happened to you! And I’m sorry that those people around you don’t understand how devastating the whole experience has been for you. It’s easy for others to say, “Oh, you’ll get over it,” but I know that for us introverts these things tend to hit harder. For one thing, it’s because we think about things a lot more. For another, it’s because we’re not busy with 400 of our “friends” all the time like the extroverted people might be.
But – please believe me when I tell you that things will get better. When you’re with this group, try to pretend you’ve forgotten about this then you can move on and talk to these same people – just be sure to talk about other things. And yes, an extrovert may say she “loves” friends, but she could tell that you were serious. So try to keep things light for a while, have fun with people and hopefully a girl who is thoughtful and sensitive will come your way SOON.
Thank you for this blog, I just found it and I already feel more understood than ever before.
Heyy…i just found this blog and i think its really great…i’ve been an intovert since forever…its not the choice i made…but somehow i turned that way…my parents thought i was scared of talking to strangers…but frankly i just didn’t want to. They were always concerned abt me as i always had a very limited friends circle!
Last year i had a girl in my life…she was an extrovert…but somehow it clicked…we became close and started dating…but it was not the same after…and finally we broke up…its been a few months now but m still crushed with the break up…i asked her and she said that she loves me but cant be with me…we wre opposites in personality terms and from what i infer….she just got bored of waiting for me to open up completely…right now i’m totally clueless…i do talk to her sometimes…but i never talk abt the relationship with the fear that we will lose even the thin string we have left in our friendship…as i said ”i’m clueless right now”
I am an extrovert in love with an introvert. As an extrovert I have always been surrounded by extroverts all of my life and then I met a wonderful guy that I thought there was something wrong with him. He was too quiet! for an extrovert that is a deal breaker. I never even heard of introverts. We dated a couple of times, and there was something about him that attracted me so much but the quiet thing I couldn’t handle. I thought to myself, I don’t want to loose an awesome guy because he is quiet, how stupid does that sound. I talked to my sister and she told me; he is an introvert. I was like what is that, she explained how introverts thought process is different, how they love or express their feelings differently. She gave me a book about introverts and I began to read and read, he fit every single characteristic of introverts. His job, his hobby, his few friendships, etc… Of course my friends would all comment how quiet he is, asking if he is bored, if he is a snob… At first I would make up excuses but then it started to irritate me the fact that they didn’t understand an introvert. I decided to listen to my gut and heart instead of my friends. My family is very accepting of him and they understand introverts. I’ve got to tell you that if you are in a introvert/extrovert relationship, the extrovert needs an eye opener like this book was for me. It helped me so much to understand the introvert world. This made the difference choosing to stay with my boyfriend. I love my introvert man and we have been together for 3 yrs. I’m hoping he’ll pop the question soon, but I know you can not pressure the introvert, they will do it at their own time. So, the lesson here is… educate your extrovert. Is not that we can’t love introverts, is that we don’t know how. And if that person is now aware of how introverts function and still doesn’t accept it, then they don’t deserve you.
I would really love to know the name of the book you refer to.
Hi Charlotte, my apologies for taking so long to reply. The name of the book is “THE INTROVERT ADVANTAGE “
Hi all,
I’m not sure how long ago this blog was posted but I’ve just discovered this site and its been such a great discovery. I admire Dinorah’s comment – she’s been much more intelligent and understanding to her man than I have been (being I suppose extrovert myself!). I wanted to write primarily for some of the people above who have found their introverted personality a ‘deal breaker’ and explain the opposite perspective (for some of us extros). I’m married to the best man in the whole world, for nearly 4 years now, and its taken me until recently to get anywhere close to understanding him.
Before now I’ve just been showing him love in the best ways I can (sometimes right/wrong) and never knowing what effect or otherwise it has had on his life – am I making life better for you or not? I just stick it out in the marriage because I adore him, but never quite sure if there’s a future for us or not, ‘cos I have no idea how I’m doing (if I get abuse from intro’s for being so dense, its completely deserved haha!)
My main issue as a woman has always, always been – ‘how much does he love me?’. And constantly not feeling trusting/secure of this lovely man, because I simply didn’t have the faintest clue what was going on inside his heart/mind. Now, for background, my husband is not in any way complicated, deceitful, etc etc or vaguely worthy of my mistrust, and I think my lack of trust has hurt him terribly at different times (thankfully learnt not to do that last coupla years). So where does it go wrong? Probably because I’m so used to an extrovert family giving me feedback (eg, you hurt me when you did this, or I love you (a million times a day)) and its been crazy going into an environment where I’ve got no verbal feedback for my actions/words but just this quiet, not-sure-if-he’s-mad-or-just-quiet, what-the-heck-is-he-sitting-there-thinking, kinda content looking guy on the sofa next to me. It’s like going into a relative emotional vacuum. And all this time if I’d had more brains to do my research (like Dinorah) I’d have learnt earlier what that quietness means – not ‘the silent treatment’ but rather he’s just content – he’s just FINE – leave the poor bloke alone!!
Plus, I’d have had sense to look at the signs that he DOES show, that he loves me – those actions rather than those words (of which there are plenty in my marriage) (now I realise it doesn’t all have to be verbal!).
But what help can I offer you people who’s women/men are fed up with the quietness? Well I can honestly tell you we extro partners (or something like that?!) not trying to be difficult, but its SO HARD having the constant self-confidence to know the other person is enthralled with you despite never saying a word about it. You crave some display of what the intro really feels about you – those heartfelt questions like ‘what does this relationship mean to you?’ ‘why did you choose me?’ ‘are you happy with me?’ etc etc. Not talking about constant gushy emotional conversations, just a little ‘risking yourself’ and making those deeper parts of yourself plain and vulnerable to us. A little comment, be it written/spoken/lyrics of a wellknown song or poem or whatever, can tide us over for AAAAGES, so that when we see you sitting there in your silent solitude, we have the strength/confidence in ourselves to believe, ‘its not me, its just him being quiet’.
I don’t know if thats any help to anyone, sorry its a bit long. With best wishes and prayers for your relationships.
thanks, reading both Dinorah’s and your post has provided insight as the why the spotty relationship between my introverted love interest has been so hard. we’ve gone in and out of this for the last 4+ years. right now I have the silent treatment going on and I can’t tell if I’ve been dropped for good or it’s just a reflective time for him, which makes me crazy. I never know if he’ll just walk away without a word – meanwhile it becomes more of a pronounced one-sided interaction until I am tired of it and back off. what’s more funny is that my dad was an “I” to my mom’s strong E and a previous boss was also an “I” and I find myself with the stronger E tendency in my adult years…only today do I realize I’ve had these experiences in my past that should have taught me something if I only really paid attention. reading a lot of these posts somehow gives me hope and if this particular relationship doesn’t pan out, at least now I know it’s because the differences may have been too much.
I found your site after some searching…wondering why I was so different from msot other people. your info helps a lot!
As for rejection…that hole is deep and hurts like hell doesn’t it? I’m dealing with one now
My husband is an extrovert and I’ve introverted. He is always wanting me to attend parties and hang out with his friends, whom he affectionately says are “our friends” even though I avoid socialisation with them at nearly all costs. Recently he brought it up again and I think I will show him this blog. It mirrors everything I feel and the social pressure.
Hi and Happy Christmas
I just ran into your blog while searching 4 more information about introverted people and hopefully found the best one fast. Thanks G.
My story is the same. A guy (in this story I am the Guy), meets a wonderful, well-educated girl and as time goes by the beats of his heart gets faster and faster. At first, I tried my best to prove my all considerations and passion by asking around“ok honey how are you feeling these days?” or asking about her family to keep her happy, as we are both in university at the same field of study and both are far from our families. Having this in mind that “I should be cautious, not to disturb her by sounding like a busybody guy.”
But after a while she explained to me that she is an introverted and you don’t know how to act with an introverted. It was a bit hard to abide by but I knew that I should start over. Putting a pile of psychological books on desk and starting to read.
Now, the situation is getting better and better. But there is a big question that I could not find its answer even in your great article. The question is “How should I know that how an introverted girl is feeling about me?” I can’t get through the point whether I am in her league or not.
Thanks a million guys
Wish you the bests
Happy Christmas
Just found out about introverts– and I have been dating one for four years ( off and on, it seems.. ) I knew nothing about it , went thru a lot of emotional heartbreak ( does she care , cancelling dates at the last minute claiming exhaustion from work ( 10 hr days )