For the many years I didn’t know what an introvert was, I told people close to me that I guessed I was a “loner.” It was the only way I could describe the fact that although I might chitchat and joke around with others when we were all together, when it came time to run errands I enjoyed just taking off alone. It usually did not occur to me to ask someone if they wanted to come and look at [clothes, sofas, books, plants, cat food] with me. After all, I was the one who needed whatever it was, and I can definitely think better and make better decisions when no one is talking to me. As I’ve said before, I have a lot of great friends I’ve made over the years, and I really enjoy their company. But it’s just in my nature to head out on my own when I need to do something. For lack of a better term, I used the term “loner” to label myself quickly when people would express hurt at being left out of all the fun I was having. (Sadly, the news media and people who just don’t know any better often use that term to mean someone who’s actually antisocial: one who hates society and may even do active harm like mass shootings).
Although I need to be alone a certain percent of my time, and I have a blast when reading or doing other things on my own, I’m also capable of being really lonely. Once in a while I have found myself in a situation where I was alone for a weekend and wanted to do something with a friend but for some reason the ones I’d try to contact were unavailable. Maybe it was a holiday weekend or just a coincidence, but I have found myself alone on a weekend with no plans at all and realized I was terribly lonely. By late on a Saturday afternoon of such a weekend, I have actually been the one who’s raking or weeding in the front yard, talking to any and every neighbor who walks by, or walking a few miles, hoping I’ll run into someone I know as I go. When that happened, I wondered – am I not a loner like I thought? What happened to the woman who loves to run out alone to do her own thing? It just didn’t add up! The answer is, it’s not that I want to be alone all the time. I like people and enjoy them very much. I just can’t be with people all of the time. I am an introvert.
As an introvert, my battery has to be charged, just like the battery of a laptop. When the battery is fully charged, a laptop runs great and is quite valuable. No one would say a laptop is weird or bad because it has to be recharged. We simply learn that that is how laptops are designed so we make sure we charge them before we need them. Extroverts are more like basketballs. As long as someone is there doing something with them, basketballs have plenty of energy, which they get by being bounced by a person. When they are left alone, they aren’t bouncing anymore. No one would say that a basketball is useless just because it doesn’t jump off the shelf and bounce by itself. We understand that basketballs need people to give them the energy to go.
If you love to run errands alone or love to eat lunch at your desk at work or anything else like that, don’t let anyone make you feel as if you are “odd” or “aloof” or worse still, “antisocial.” If you recharge your batteries best when you get some time alone, you are most likely an introvert, and just knowing that is so awesome and explains so much. Now you know why you start feeling anxious in a long meeting or when house guests won’t leave. That feeling is totally expected for introverts, and now you’ll know that you need to break away – alone – in order to feel and function at your best. Likewise now you can understand why you may feel lonely today, when it was just yesterday you were craving some time alone. Introverts are normal human beings (despite what you may have heard) 
and of course we need others. In fact we form very strong and deep connections, when we find people we really like and like to be with. Once we understand our needs for companionship vs. solitude, we can come closer to the right balance where we get plenty of blissful and refreshing alone time, yet we never get all the way to lonely.
Photo credit: paulotavio
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I can totally relate to that, I’ve found my self in that same scenario many times. I went through the same thing of not understanding that I was an introvert.
I love your analogy of the laptop and the basketball. I am definitely stealing that one…fair warning.
I can relate to it. I started to notice my “mood changes” when I started working. I never could figure out why I acted the way I did until I noticed there was a pattern. I notice the more time I am around ppl I want to run away. Then when after a sufficant time alone, I want to go out. The lap top analogy is great by the way.
You were smart to notice that pattern, and that gave you the ability to have some control over when/who you spend that people-energy. Thanks – I was trying to tell a friend that I am an introvert, and from the look on her face I was telling her that I am a psycho. I finally used the laptop analogy with her so she’d realize there are many things in life that can be out in the world for a while then need to go recharge!
Deep…I remember watching my sister leave with her friends going to a party while I stayed home. Felt a little down…not only because she was going somewhere, but because she got to hang out with different people. If I wasn’t hanging out by myself, I was always hanging out with the same person. Cool, but felt as though I was still alone.
Hi Miyuki, I know what you mean. Sometimes while we’re doing things alone, just enjoying our alone time, maybe we’re missing some chances to meet other people who’d add some variety to life. It’s a tough balance sometimes, because if you get too many friends/acquaintances, then that’s that many more people to split your people-energy between. By middle age though, everyone gets plenty of other commitments, so it’s a bit easier to see each friend just once in a while.
Sometime I feel like I’m missing out on thing too but you just have to find a balance of alone time and time w other people. In reality though, your not missing all that much…that why I text ppl to keep in touch but I get my time alone as well.
Aloneness and loneliness are two very different things. Aloneness can be a very inspiring state to be in. It’s where we recharge and our best ideas flow. It’s where we take a step back out of our lives and gain more awareness of ourselves.
Just need to balance the time when we feel lonely!
Hi Andrew! Oh yes. A good aloneness can be total bliss, a quiet but real happiness that no one but an introvert could understand. Especially when it’s a case of “FINALLY alone!”
We definitely just have to balance it.
Thanks for your comment – please keep coming back to Introvert Zone!
To be honest, sometimes I think that I just don’t like people, all that much. I can get annoyed very easily by other people, especially with extroverts, and the more extroverted someone is is the more annoyed I get by that person. I just really can’t stand them and they don’t understand me, so after cold shouldering them for a while, they stay way, which is just fine by me. I don’t like feeling imposed upon by anyone, and extroverts can quickly get very imposing because many of them are overly familar and lack boundaries, meaning your business is their business and they make your business everyone else’s business because of lack of discretion. You tell one of them that you are going to use the bathroom and by the time you get back, ten other people know that you were just in the bathroom. I worked with a couple of this type, at a former job, and I ended up disliking the both of them because of their personalities. I felt like yelling at them “Mind your own damn business and leave me alone!”. One of them was just way to familar, and the other one was trying to act like my mother until I lashed out on her and threatened to write her up to management on a regular basis. Just too much to deal with. I’ve learned that I can tolerate other people in small doses but I can’t be around other people for too long. I can converse and have a laugh and I might have things in common with someone, but I can’t be around that person for too long.
I don’t mind doing things by myself. Many times I have gone shopping alone, which was better for me since I take a long time to make decisions about what I want, so if I did go with someone, that person would probably get annoyed with me. I don’t mind going to see a movie, alone, either. It might feel wierd walking into the theatre alone, when other people are going with a group, but once I’m sitting down, it doesn’t really matter, since everyone is at the theatre to do the same thing, which is to watch the movie. And even if someone was thinking that it is weird to see someone sitting alone or doing something alone, that person isn’t very likely to voice that opinion unless he or she is rude and lacks discretion, which some do, but most keep their mouths shut and keep moving. And if he or she was to say something, my response would be, “It’s none of your business, so leave well enough alone.” That’s not something that I would have said in the past, but I have gotten to the point where that’s what I will say if someone is nosey. It might sound mean, but sometimes people need to know how to leave other people, alone.
I will also say that there have been a couple of people that I really liked and wanted to get to know because I just found them to be very interesting people. Plus, being around them made me laugh and wear a natural smile on my face, which I don’t do all the time. I also felt very comfortable around them and wanted to share my thoughts, feelings, and concerns with that person. In the words of Anne Shirley, he or she would be a “kindred spirit”. But finding someone like that has been a rare occurence for me, as I guess it would be.
Hi JW. Oh yeah, we’ve all been there with the nosey people and people who impose on us, and it is really annoying. And when you have annoying coworkers or classmates, it leaves you so tired of defending your space and your energy all day you can hardly put up with other people who would otherwise be pretty cool!
I hope you meet some more kindred spirits soon. They are rare enough, but I’m still finding them out there.
JW: That’s one long post! And I definitely know what you mean about people just acting a little too familiar with you. It’s pretty annoying!
cb: Thanks for understanding. It’s alienating to be introverted/quiet as it is. Each day, I find myself feeling/being alone because of how I’m treated. Not to sound self-pitying, but sometimes I think I don’t exist and just living in a dream.
Hi Miyuki – I am so sorry you are being treated badly like that. Are you a student or are you in the workforce now? I really hope you will find some people to hang out with who appreciate you for who you are and don’t expect you to be some caricature of an extrovert.
@ cb: Thank you. I’m a college student now. It’s not that bad in that people mess with me about it, but I just feel that pressure. Don’t worry though, I’ve met some kind people who do accept my quiet nature. Mostly I think it’s just me who’s breaking down from it and having issues accepting it myself. This never happened to me before because I never had a problem with being quiet. It just happened over time the more it was pointed out to me.
Miyuki, I sure hope the people who have nothing better to do than point out to you how “quiet” you are will grow up soon! Quiet people are easy to have around, and I certainly don’t see how anyone could be “concerned” about it. As long as you’re happily quiet and not quiet because you’re afraid to say something, then who cares what they think?
It’s funny being a “quiet” person…people are shocked, if not downright offended, when they find out that I very much have my own ideas about things. They equate “quiet” with “weak” and think that they automatically have the upper hand when they meet me. Not so!
I’ve also had a lot of people conclude that I am a very religious person, when I am not that way at all. They’ll apologize for swearing, when I could match them in that department any day, unbeknownst to them. Anybody else had these experiences?
Bella, people assume the exact same things about me because I am quiet. I’ve been in situations where other people felt like they had the upperhand simply because I don’t voice all of my opinions, thoughts, wants, feelings, concerns, or grievances. But just because I don’t voice everything that comes to mind doesn’t mean that I don’t have those feelings and that I don’t have opinions. I can always tell when someone feels like he or she has the upperhand, upon first meeting that person. That person will view me as being a target simply because of my demeanor. What they don’t know is that I have a bad temper, even though I definitely try to control that, and I am not afraid to speak up if someone keeps annoying me, but it does take me a while to get to that point. I could definitely hold my own in a cursing match, if it really came down to it. I’m from a culture in which giving someone a good what for when ticked off, is considered the norm, but most people don’t know that I am capable of this since I tend to keep my mouth shut.
Wow, JW, we must have been separated at birth. I too have a bad temper, and I’m not afraid to push back on someone if I have to. Shocks the heck out of them! And I know just what you mean, when you can tell they think they’ve got the upper hand right outta the gate.
Yeah, Bella. I hear ya. The one thing that really irks me is when I get annoyed enough to call someone out on something, and the person will just dismiss my complaint as if I hadn’t said anything, at all. I hate that. I notice that this happens if I am dealing with someone who thinks that he or she has the upperhand, and that is usually someone who is more extraverted. But if that person has a complaint about something I am doing, he or she expects me to drop everything and listen. And my response to that is “I DON’T THINK SO!”. You have to give respect to get respect and I am not about to abide by someone else if he or she doesn’t have enough respect to listen to me when I am the one doing the complaining. Just because I am not as loud and assertive about every complaint, doesn’t mean that my complaints aren’t as valid.
Hi–I found this website because I’m an acknowledged introvert who is dating someone even more introverted than I am. He has trouble telling me he needs time alone, but I am trying to help him with that–it’s important for both of us. I don’t want him to resent my presence, and I don’t want to have to guess when I need to leave his place to give him space. Any thoughts anyone has would be much appreciated.
Hi Alice! I think that is so considerate of you to think of making sure he has plenty of alone time, and of course none of us wants to think that we are overstaying our welcome. I actually asked a male (introvert) friend about this, and he suggested that one easy thing to do is just to not mind if he stays up doing something on his computer or other hobby after you’ve gone to sleep. Otherwise, I know it’s hard to know when to go home, or when he wishes you would. Does he ever come to your place – how long does he stay there? One thing I’ve done when spending a weekend with someone out of town is just to announce that I’m going for a walk (while he was doing something entirely different), then stay out walking for half an hour or more. That broke up that feeling of always hanging around.
Thanks for your comment! Please keep coming back to Introvert Zone!
Christie–Thank you for the suggestions! Actually he does stay up sometimes after I’ve gone to sleep, and some of the time I’m there, I tend to doze on the couch. It’s peaceful happy time, sharing space but not always talking. Saturday we watched a movie and then I sat on his bed with our three dogs while he played his bass violin–so nice! But Sunday he just wasn’t responsive. When he gets that way, sometimes it passes, and sometimes it doesn’t. I talked with him about it a little–said I wanted him to be able to tell me when he needed space or tell me that he’d like to see me, and he agreed. I guess we’ll see. We’ve been together for a year and a half. He used to come to my place now and then, but I got a roommate, so he comes less often now. He is coming for dinner tonight. When he comes he either usually comes for dinner, or stays over and leaves in the late morning the next day.
I like this site!!!
Thank you.
By the way, glad you like the site!
It’s great to have you here!
Alice, maybe you could come up with a funny phrase or neutral word that means, “I need some alone time” but does not have the baggage attached to it that the phrase normally has (when it may include “becuase I’m tired of you”.) Then he can say it when he’s feeling that way, and you’ll know that it’s not a reflection on you or the relationship, but just a time out.
Bella that is a great idea! He wouldn’t have to start thinking of a way to say it – he could just say, “man cave time” or something similar.
Likewise Alice, (I may be wrong – remember I’m divorced
) if he gets really quiet by the second day you’re around, I’d get my stuff and say cheerfully, “I think I’ll head home. I have a lot to do.” Then go. As long as you don’t sound hurt or mad or anything, he may feel relieved and be glad to see you the next time he sees you. I’m sure his feelings are mixed – he needs to be ALONE – but he doesn’t want you to leave.
Wow, after picking my son up from a birthday party, I barely said a whole sentence while driving home. I came into my room and closed the door while my children are playing games downstairs. I sat down and did a search about needing alone time and this site came up. I’m so glad I found this place!
I agree with what everyone has said about their alone time, but also add that I like privacy. I can’t even get a tampon out of my purse without that person snooping over my shoulder.
I often joke, laugh, and entertain but like to set limits… on time. I’ve been criticized for doing things alone such as eating lunch, shopping, and dining out. Extroverts seem to have hurt feelings because someone they have so much fun with do not want to eat with them. When I eat out alone, I get annoyed when the waiter or waitress frequents my table and interrupts my thoughts.
I’m planning a vacation to Florida Keys soon all by myself and whenever someone finds out, they make comments about me not being normal. Oh, I’m a single mother so I’m either at work or with my children. My alone time is extra special.
Thanks everyone for sharing!
MB
Glad you found us, and glad to have you here! I’ve also noticed how it seems to bother some people when we just do what comes natural to us. I remember I used to work near a shopping center, so during lunch I’d often run errands, especially near family birthdays or Christmas. But one day I heard a woman say, “She just gets up and leaves and doesn’t say anything to anyone!” I wondered, why do I need to announce that I’m going on an errand during my lunch break?!! Oh, that’s right – so I could be ever hopeful that someone would join me and save me from having an hour of solitude!