Introverted boyfriend is breaking her heart


Dear Introvert Zone,

I an just about at my wits end…
I am an extrovert, though I have some pretty introverted tendencies. The man I started dating 3.5 months ago is an introvert…. so I guess you already know why I’m writing this.

I am SO confused, really it’s to the point it has moved me to tears; this guy is great, amazingly great I have known him for 20 years and we just recently sort of started dating. I guess were dating… not like he’d ever say anything to that effect… he has me around often, we have sex when he doesn’t just want to cuddle quietly… he tells me “you’re lovely” or “you’re sweet” about 10 times a day, though he is usually very formal with me; he always addresses me by name, which you wouldn’t think would be a big deal right? but IT IS! its weird!
I knew I was falling for this guy, nearly immediately; he truly is a good catch… about 2 months in we had the “introvert talk” because I was feeling insecure. he was very upfront, and matter of fact about everything (which i did my best to understand) it’s just this guy is UNemotional… ALL THE TIME. he shows my dog more of his soft side than he shows me…
I have tried and tried to be conscious of my extroverted side and not be too in his face… sometimes I even bite my lips to keep myself from blabbering too much.
I’m compromising as best I can, but it seems to me that he isn’t making the same efforts.
last night was like a kick in the gut. he’d been gone for more than a week to a work conference… though I tried not to, I found myself getting very excited anticipating his arrival. he “permitted me” to pick him up from the airport. I got lost on the way to the airport and in the airport parking garage… I panicked that I would miss him coming from the gate, I ran as fast as I could to make it. he wasn’t there. I recieved a text from him saying he was at a different one… so I took off running again– the anticipation by this point was killing me– I turned a corner ( and though I wasn’t wearing my glasses, I could make out his red hair) my smile was huge, as I nearly tripped into his arms.
he laughed, gave me a half hug, addressed me by my full name and motioned to the escalator.
W. T. F.???
I sucked it up, and walked to the car with him, the whole way home in his adorable awkwardness he told me story, after story of his trip.
when we arrived he gave me a kiss and said he’d talk to me soon, I think he could sense (amazingly) that he kind of hurt my feelings, so he said maybe tomorrow??
I nodded.
I shuffled home after dropping off the car and noted he had left me his obligatory good night message.
which, as usual, just said sleep sweetly.
I ignored it.
he wrote me his usual formal good morning text as well… I did end up responding to that… but I tried to echo his formality as much as possible.
what the hell am I supposed to do here?
I don’t understand this?
I don’t mind taking it slow, but this is getting crazy!
it’s as if I’m not even there.
is this how it’s going to be?? I finally meet a man who lives a parallel life to mine, enjoys everything I do, is handsome, and sweet… but who just doesn’t show me any kind of interest whatsoever?
I’ve met two of his friend once (they are a couple), there are also awkward and quiet… and the only reason I had the opportunity to meet them was because the were moving very soon, and I thought it would be nice to see if theyd like to come and have me cook for them for thanksgiving so the could have a nice dinner together… otherwise, he has kept me from any social situation as if I have the plauge.
this sucks! what I find super frustrating as well it that I’ve seen pictures…. hundreds of pictures… where he is smiling, being silly, laughing and carrying on with friends or an old girlfriend… I try not to compare myself… but it’s hard, what’s wrong with me?
truly nothing, I know. I am a perfect girlfriend, I pride myself on saying that too. I am very, very pretty, sexual, well put together, funny, insanely thoughtful, nurturing… every boyfriend I’ve had in the past remains a friend to this day, and most of my relationships have dissolved due to crazy schedules, distance etc.
I am well-versed in “players” this guy is, without a shadow of a doubt, not a player.
please, PLEASE give me some insight into how to better handle/deal with this situation.
i joke with him all the time that he needs to take it easy on me, because I only have my introvert training wheels on…. well I think one has fallen off, and I’m about to bite the dust…


Photo credit: marc falardeau



  1. I don’t see where you have communicated your needs to him, either in writing or verbally. Maybe you have but did not state so. But if you haven’t then that is the first thing that you need to do. Get together with him, and tell him that you need to talk to him about something important. Under any circumstances DO NOT tell him what it is about over the phone. This needs to be done in person. Then you can lay all of your cards out on the table and discuss what each of you need out of a relationship. After this discussion, if you find that he does not meet your needs (or is simply not willing or not able to meet your needs) then you need to break it off. He may be a sweet guy, but most introverts, as well as extroverts are set in our ways. Being introverted I cannot give someone like you the emotional support that you crave. This may be the case with your current boyfriend. Because it is just too draining and taxing to me. I say something once and I’m good. But some others need to hear it over and over again. I can’t do that. Your needs and his needs are clearly different. To what extent, I don’t know, but you need to ask him that. Ask him if he is ready for a serious relationship. If he says no, then the best thing may be for you would be to break it off. Earlier you mentioned that you two have ‘sorta started dating.’ This is very confusing to me. Are you two an official couple? Did you actually sit down and discuss this? did you two agree on becoming an official couple? Just because certain social customs and expectations are the norm with most folks, doesn’t mean that everyone will accept and follow them. Introverts are known for not following the path that most people follow. Especially when it comes to being social. And if you two are such a couple, then why don’t you spend time with your friends? Just because you two are an item doesn’t mean that your world needs to revolve around him. Just because we are with our (chosen) partner doesn’t mean that that person is equipped to handle all of our needs. That is what our personal friends are for. That is what our hobbies and other interests are for. I like racing cars, my boyfriend likes poetry and spoken word projects. I don’t spend all of my time with my boyfriend because I need my personal space. It has nothing to do with me not loving him. I love him a great deal. But, just as you may need to talk to someone every day, he needs his personal space. A good book for you to own and read is ‘The Introvert Advantage’ by Marti Laney. I think this will be a good book for you to read (and have as a reference material).

    • spoken like a true introvert kgm
      I have tried to have the relationship talk with him… to which his response was, “well, I’ve taken down my online dating profile..” it’s like trying to squeeze blood from a stone.
      I get what you’re saying about the friend thing, I personally only have a few, because I have different views on interpersonal relationships than most people, and don’t look to others to fulfill me, despite still considering myself extroverted. BUT it would be kind of neat to be out of the house with him on occasion, I’d like to seem him interact with friends… if only for my own curiosity and knowledge…. and who knows… maybe we might have… i dont know, what do the call it, fun! ah yes, fun, what a concept.
      I don’t wishto spend all my time with him, at this point.
      I simply am looking for advice on how to deal with type of person I have no experience dealing with.
      how should I broach these discussions about our relationship, sex ect. without having him get all squirmy, and turtle on me??
      because that’s what he does.
      I am the world’s most patient and understanding person, I am very well known for sacrificing my own needs and desires in support of another’s… and that is just me, it’s who I am, I’ve been that way since I was a child, an it’s doubtful I will change….
      this is throwing me for a loop though. I an in unfamiliar territory, and I need help to navigate the strange and bumpy terrain of the introvert psyche.

  2. It seems to me that there are other things involved in your situation besides just an introvert-extrovert match. Since it’s a new relationship and you described it as being in the “sort of dating” phase, what may be happening is that the two of you have different ideas about dating in the early stages. This may be exaggerated by his introverted habits. But it sounds like a lot of the misunderstandings are related to differing expectations about dating etiquette. I’ve known people (extroverted and introverted) who actively build space into relationships until the “official couple” milestone is reached, whatever that means to them. This may be what’s happening; he may not see that he hasn’t communicated his expectations well.

    I’d suggest just asking what’s up, specifically referring to the incident at the airport. But arrange the conversation beforehand so that he can be in the right mental space for a discussion with you. It’ll go smoother that way, whether the issue turns out to be his introversion or some other miscommunication.

    Hope you’re able to work it out!

  3. Hey Emmy,

    Very interesting situation you are in. It’s very easy to see the extravert/introvert dynamic in the relationship. I get the sense that you have the tendency to be highly emotional and “feely”, although at times you feel a desire for calm and slowing down the activity that goes on in your mind. This may be where your bf comes in. You strike me as a possible ENFP while your bf may be an INTJ.

    The main thing you should try and understand is the way his mind works. If he is a structured individual, he may be uncomfortable with extreme emotionality. He naturally seeks calm and peace as much as you naturally seek community and a wide array of experience and sensations. It’s not that he doesn’t like you or is being standoffish. It’s just how his mind works. The key is you being patient and compromising with his introverted qualities. Even if you don’t realize it, he values your extraversion as it brings him experience he doesn’t usually get. Try to make him more aware of you desire to get attention from him. Do NOT make an emotional scene or bring up the topic abruptly he will shut down. Tell him you’d like to discuss some things at an agreed time in the future (like a few days) and briefly address the issues you’d like to bring up. This will give him time to process his thoughts and feelings alone which he needs to do. If possible, do this over email as we introverts tend to greatly prefer to communicate in writing.

    The key is, if you really dig the guy, you must be patient and learn to deal with both of your natures to promote harmony. Don’t try to change him into an extravert because you can’t..fortunately, introverts are awesome and we can lighten up with time given a comfortable may be just what he needs..just don’t over do it!

    Hope things work out for you.


    • you guys really do like writing don’t you? 🙂
      his emails and texts are always so expressive and often so sweet…
      which unfortunately often gets ne excited to see him… and when I do, TURTLE!!!
      and I’ll spend hours trying to, gently, get him to peek out of his shell.
      I don’t want to change him, for 20 years I have thought this guy is THE guy… he is everything I’ve ever dreamed of… just much, MUCH quieter than I thought.
      I am nervous to try and propose we have a discussion… I am wary that he may assume I am pushing him.

  4. I only have insight into the return from the conference – if he had just been at a conference, he was likely running on zero for social energy and was in desperate need to recharge. Which means alone time.

    How to handle a situation like that? Well, take a step back and think about whether he might be socially exhausted. And there’s nothing wrong with asking him. He might appreciate it – it might take some pressure off him if he knows he can admit that he’s just exhausted. Sometimes it really isn’t personal, we’re just flat out done, and no matter how much we care for someone, if our batteries are run down, we need alone time.

    • Deb she said he told him some stories from his trip. That tells me he did have some energy left. If he was “running on zero” he would have been a mute in the car. At least I know I would have been if I was “on zero” from a long social trip such as a work conference.

      • Thanks Scott, I did read her original.

        However, many of us will motormouth when we’ve gone beyond exhaustion, as is likely post-conference. Motormouthing is just one more unconscious adaptation to avoid true social interaction. If you read carefully what she wrote, (“the whole way home in his adorable awkwardness he told me story, after story of his trip.”) I think you will notice that his telling of the many stories was not actually him being social. It was more of a wall he put up to avoid true interaction.

        She’s an extrovert, and I have no doubt (as I’m sure he had no doubt) that she’d ask questions and want to talk. It’s harder on an introvert to answer questions and have a conversation than it is to just “tell story after story” when extreme exhaustion is at play.

        But hey, we’re all different. YMMV.

        • Good point Deb. Motormouthing is not something I find myself doing to avoid actual interaction. Though I never given much though to if I do so or not. I will have to pay attention in the future and see if I do this. I find I act sullen or frustrated when I want to avoid interaction.

  5. I find it interesting that you have know him for 20 years and you are just now finding out how “introverted” he is. I also find it interesting that he is not more open with you after 20 years. ( though maybe he has…read further) Was he like this when you first met him? If you look back over the 20 years, has he “opened up” more over those 20 years? As an introvert myself I always feel more comfortable around people I have known for a very long time.

    You said, “he has me around often, we have sex when he doesn’t just want to cuddle quietly” I assume it has not been like this the whole 20 years? If it is recent then I would say that is a huge step for him to let you into his life like that. Does he know he is an introvert? You might think this is a silly question but it took me 32 years to find out I was one. Not that I didn’t always know I was a little different, I just never knew there was a term for it and/or others out there like me. Over the past two years I have found myself in a better place personally knowing more about the term introvert and how it applies to me and those around me.

    • well… I actually only asked one question, “how was your trip?”
      Nevermind guys. I am thoroughly discouraged, I took keith’s advice and emailed him. 24 hours later, no response.
      look I understand this is an introvert site… I was simply looking for some info on how to handle him, without pressuring him.
      I have known him for a long time, with a long period of separation, and initially I saw his awkwardness as shyness, a commen misconception. anxiety I know how to handle, introversion is a different beast.
      he is aware of himself, and made me aware when I had a fit of insecurity, due to a lack of communication within tge first couple of months.
      it is really hard you know… being like me. I’m a different kind of extrovert. I feel it all, really ALL. I empathize, sympathize, all whilst trying to deal with my own shit. it’s not a choice that I am so over emotional. it’s who I am.
      imagine for a moment, if possible, that you are a beautiful, well educated, well spoken, witty woman who gas to watch herself… uncontrollably submit to her emotions on a daily basis. it sounds like foolishness, but honest to god, I am a slave to my emotions. I hate it, but I am helpless to change my very make up.
      I’ve spent my entire day near tears because I know I am likely to losesomeone I really care about over something so silly. something beyond my control. beingvghe particular type of person I am… this frivolous lack of control is maddening.
      as I said, I am doubtful this situation will playout positively. so I suppose the thread is moot.
      but thank you Keith, whoever you are for attempting to offer some insight, which is what I was after.. and thank you others for your support.

  6. Emmy,

    24 hours its not enough time to automatically write the situation off. Look at what you mentioned about your nature and how your emotional side is hardwired into your being. It is important to understand his nature is hardwired into his being just as much. He may just as well have issues with your extraversion as he is being pushed from his natural tendencies to interact with you. Have you taken the Myers Briggs test? you can find a free version online. I really get an ENFP vibe from you though..

    If you value him as a person, you will learn to live with his introverted nature. One of the benefits of an introvert/extravert relationship is the energetic benefits of being with someone opposite of you. He is more in control of his emotions which you seem to be attracted to. He brings stability and calmness to your existence which is highly active with emotions, sensations, and thoughts. On the other hand, you bring him spontaneity and liveliness.

    All you can do is gauge how much you want the situation to turn out well, and if you are willing to remain patient. Like I mentioned, neither one of you will change. It’s about learning to adapt. I hope things work out well for you.

    Check out this video as I think it shows your situation pretty well:


  7. Wife of introvert on

    Hi Emmy,

    I don’t know if I can offer any more help – I’m an extrovert too, married to an introverted man for 4 years now. Interesting reading your comments above, cos I can empathise with so much of it,not least the ‘what’s wrong with me’ stuff/he looks happier with them than me (photos etc)…

    Firstly, I must say, it sounds like you’ve got the main things in place with this relationship – I mean, you’ve known him so long that you’d have seen some nasty lurking fault in him by now more than likely (you say he’s not a player, so that usually means he’s likely to be faithful, and if he’s a kind man then he’s not trying to play mindgames with all this non-emotional stuff); plus you seem to think he’s a great catch, and by the small ways he shows affection, sounds like he realises you’re a good thing. (Stick with me…) I think that all reduces the chances of there being a major fault with the long-term chances of the relationship.

    But I’m not kidding when I say its taken me years to accept things about my husb, like ‘there’s no problem with me, its just him’ or that he loves me despite the ‘coldness’ you can feel at times, or that when he’s not so outwardly ‘happy’ or playful, it doesn’t mean he’s not just quietly content – my man places far more importance on being comfortable and content in a relationship than I do; to me ‘comfortable’ means ‘you don’t care about impressing me anymore’ and ‘content’ means not striving to better yourself for me and getting fat/lazy haha!

    I understand this constant uncertainty about ‘whats wrong with me’ and why was he having so much fun back then etc etc. For an attractive girl with lots to offer, the lack of seeming ‘bothered’ about you can be intensely painful, don’t know if you’ve had the thoughts of ‘blokes I know would give their left arm to have someone like me etc etc’but you don’t want any of them, you want HIM to appreciate you. And this painful train of thought undermines your confidence, femininity etc – even a mismatch in sex drives leaves you feeling unappealing. But if you know this bloke is a good man underneath it all, and not the type to use people/drop them etc, then the odds are he’s with you because he too realises all your good features, and thats why he got together with you, and he knows he’s got a good thing. Main question is – is he a good man? In which case, you have to stop accusing yourself of being not good enough, and start realising he loves you and you are good enough, and he knows it.

    That being said, doesn’t mean he’ll show you any of the above feelings – well, not necessarily in a way you’ll recognise. Having lived with a similar-sounding bloke, the love of my life (though introvertedness has driven me potty 70% of the time in early marriage!!), I was reading your intro and thinking – nah, he loves ya – why’s he texting you before bed each night if he didn’t? Why’s he calling you sweet and lovely all the time if not? Why’s he happy just lying there cuddling and not just having you for sex? (as a side note, being a sexual creature, you were probably all ready to just show him ‘what ya got’ etc, expecting him to realise what an ideal girl you are and be enthralled, when in fact, he’s not into all that as much as you are perhaps? Maybe he prefers your mind and soul with a bit of sex here and there – trust me, even this can become a compliment, cos any guy can want sex, not all want you for you).

    What I’m trying to say is, he’s not a woman/an extrovert/you – he’s not communicating love to you in a way you can easily understand (romance, emotion, needing to always see each other and talk through the night, sex, physical contact etc) but if he’s worth sticking with you can learn to read their subtle signs till they become more precious to you than the 12-red-roses approach. Its just learning not to be put off by some of their mannerisms which come across as ‘cold’ and not taking them personally. Not every girl can do this though. I did and I have gained so much for my efforts.

    I think that’s enough of me rambling. I realise you know its just down to whether you can carry on in such a relationship. I’ll vouch for the fact that its probably not going to be easy (hasn’t been for me – SOO SO much to learn/accept) and it may be that you need a more talkative/expressive man – if so, fair enough. I guess I just want to say that with lots of work/reading up/gradually gently getting him to see your perspectives/needs etc, it can become a great relationship. And all those qualities which first attracted you to him, instead of offending you, start to charm you again. I remembered once that when we two first met, my husb was a very ‘nice’ guy, and the thing that got me wanting to know more was this narky/grumpy stubborn streak that meant he took no rubbish from anyone – it was so strong at the core of this outwardly nice guy, I loved it. Well after the stubborness irritating the life out of me many a time, I now adore this about him again, as much as when we first met, and I realise its the reason he’s fantastic at his job, and strong as a leader, and admirable in his principles.

    In terms of your personality, you should always keep that same energy/fun/bounciness that attracted him to you in the first place, but you can realise/learn when not to be offended by their grumpiness/reluctance/silence (eg, when you surprise them or suggest something new, or irritate him by being late/loud/chatty when they’re stressed/tired etc) and when to minimize the bounciness for a short time until he’s relaxed, etc, and thereby get the best out of your man.

    • Hi Wife of Introvert! Are you still around? Can I ask you to message me, perhaps on Facebook if you are there? Thanks!

    • Vivian Jones on

      Also… You have encouraged me!!! I have been dating (what I now see) is a introvert man.
      We dated for almost two years but my emotional behavior pushed him away! We have entered each other’s lives again after 6 mos and I am trying to learn as much about the introverted side so I do not mess this up again!

    • Enlightened and Happy on

      Wife of Introvert….thank you! I have felt exactly as Emmy did and after two years together my boyfriend and I broke up. I felt totally at a loss and thought I was living with an alien. But I recently realized that I really didn’t know what an introvert truly is….I just assumed I knew. And so I have been doin’ a lot of reading and researching and after three months apart my boyfriend and I are back together and both willing to work hard to make our relationship work because he really is my best friend. I just didn’t understand what I was dealing with. And your response was so enlightening and encouraging and I printed it off to share with him. All I can say is thank you 🙂

    • Wife of an Introvert…can we PM or email privately? I have questions and you seem very in tuned with the introverted male.

    • Wife if Introvert are you still around ? Can we email? I truly would love more if your input on my introverted man ! Pleeeaase

  8. Emmy…you know this guy for 20 years and do you remember anything which happened something bad in his family life or with his ex etc., May be he might had some bitter experience in his past and now changed to maintain the relationship with you. I think if you guys have some good time to talk…think you can have a long lasting relationship.
    Frank Hermes @ Car Rental Cyprus´s last post ..Home

  9. it might be that this guy is not the showy type. He might not be the overjoyed guy when he sees you but the thought is that he likes you a lot. I guess don’t show so much affection to him because some guys get so turned off if women really are throwing themselves obviously to a guy. just let him give you all the attention not you always showing interest to him.

  10. I do appreciate everyone’s insight.
    unfortunately though, after trying everything possible to bridge the gap that was all of the sudden between us, he ended our relationship.
    he has had some very stressful things happen in the past month and a half or so, and the weight of his troubles caused him to withdrawal significantly.
    he has emotional attachment issues, and no longer felt attached to me in any way, as he was too caught up in his own head. he has decided it’s for my own good that we part ways, so I don’t get hurt anymore. literally, one day he was fine… and the next day nothing, and it been that way for 2 straight weeks.
    I am very, very sad… I don’t really understand, it’s pretty weird… I am not made that way, so I can’t really judge.
    I suppose it is for the best, as I pretty much feel like he’s kicked the shit out of me emotionally for the past 2 weeks.
    oh well.
    thanks again for everybody that tried to help.

    • Don’t get too discouraged. INTJs are known for not maturing/ reaching the height of their maturity /desirability until mid-late 30’s and 40’s. I think the key is patience. Do you or can you learn to have the patience to work with him. Also remember that until you are officially deemed “The One” and in his tiny inner circle, you aren’t given access to a lot of him.

      Mine ended our relationship roughly 14 years ago horribly, unspeakably brutally- but all we did was hurt each other back then anyhow. I was married for 11 years and then, wouldn’t you know it, somehow we found each other. (Now I’m 34 and he’s 40). And both of us are more balanced, less selfish and mature. It better fucking work this time because the sex is outstanding. 😉

    • The guy is an INTP not an INTJ. INTJ’s are normally upfront and would make it very clear that there is in fact a relationship. The J in us hates uncertainty of any kind. It’s either we are in or we’re out and when we’re in we invest and problems in our lives have nothing to do with our intimate relationships. If we have problems we will need some space but not end the whole thing entirely. yes we are emotional retards and might have a hard time showing and expressing our feelings but one thing I know we will not leave one in the dark about where the relationship stands. It’s either a yes or a no. INTP’s though on the other hand do that a lot.

      I’m an INTJ female and had a very close INTP friend and we met online while I was dating my ENTP (now ex). I didn’t like him then (the INTP). I just enjoyed his company and we used to chat online and via IM’s for days and he used to disappear and come back and I wouldn’t care because I was in a relationship and he was just a friend anyway.

      My relationship with the ENTP ended and he became a little regular and wanted to know if I was seeing anyone. I still didn’t notice or suspect anything. to me he was just a friend still. he confessed that he liked me and I kinda started to like him back. he was a good friend and it was good having him around but I told him that I’m good with being friends and because he is far I don’t feel like being in a long distance relationship. it’s too draining and requires a lot of time and effort. He kept on telling me that he can’t be just friends with me and started acting like he was suggesting a relationship (Like me he speaks in puns so I couldn’t decode everything he was saying). I was a little lost by this because one minute he would be soo into me and the next he would be gone. I didn’t know if I should like him or not and it got me soo irritated. He would create fights and then apologize and then create more fights. one minute he liked me the next he would withdraw. I thought (even after reading the INTP profile a million times) he was bipolar a bit. So one day after we had reconciled he came back and told me he can’t do this anymore and that he wants me to leave him alone and he’s going through a lot at the moment and just need to be alone. I told him to go and that he was irritating me and that there was no relationship established anyway because I told him from the get go that I didn’t want no long distance relationship. He kept on pushing me away like I was forcing myself on him. He would say oh it’s sad things aren’t the same but I know you’re gonna be ok and you’ll find someone. I was soo disgusted with him. He was acting like we were breaking up but we never even dated.

      Back to your guy. he is an INTP. they aren’t players but they don’t commit to anything. they will string you along for the fun of it and then once they see that things are getting a little serious, they run. he did like you though but you wanted certainty and INTP’s don’t like any sort of certainty. they like playing mind games. I was upset but I don’t care about him. there’s more to life than worrying about people who are stuck in a rut and are scared of getting out of their shells.

  11. Sorry it didn’t work out, Emmy. 🙁 Seems like he has issues with intimacy. It’s really his problem, and not yours. Now you’re free to find someone with a healthy ability to give you the attention you deserve. Best wishes for you!

  12. Talk about extensive analysis, I could not read through all of the comments. I don’t know much about the guy, not enough info. but to me it doesn’t sound like an introvert issue. As we all know (introverts) we value our relationships/friendships greatly since they are limited to very few individuals and we are happy to be around those we hold dear to our hearts. Long story short and quite frankly, it seems more like he isn’t interested the relationship.

  13. Emmy, just read your comment about the breakup. It’s unfortunate but like you mentioned, for the best. You don’t want to be dragged around do you? Or suffer any further emotional harm, right? Take it as experience.

    – Unrequited love… it sucks.

  14. I feel your pain. I really do. My BF of 4 years makes me feel like he has no interest in me at all even though he swears he does. I know as an extrovert and a highly sensitive person I need a little more than most, but I dont get many hugs, no hand holding, giving me a kiss makes him really uncomfortable, and sex is almost like a duty despite he says he has a high sex drive. I do everything I can to get him to give me attention, he’s also a workaholic. He does support me a lot, we live together but have separate bedrooms! I wish I had any advice, but I feel the same was as you. Desperate for some hope.

  15. Hey!

    My husband is a true extrovert and I am DEFINITELY an introvert. I can go days without speaking or even acknowledging the things around me. It’s sad, actually. It drives him crazy on SO many occasions because he wants to do EVERYTHING with me. EVERYTHING. He won’t open a letter without me by his side. Being the introvert I am, that drives me crazy. I am very independent and I don’t NEED that social interaction as much as some people. In fact, I spent two days with his family (they are Polish and very very very extroverted people) for Christmas, and I had to hold back tears. You may not understand this at all, but introverts REALLY need their space. I was so overwhelmed being at their house. I just wanted to get out. I love them to death and it wasn’t the volume level or what they were talking about, it was that they never left me alone.

    I had to be blunt with my husband as we were dating and getting to know each other. I told him on many occasions, that if he wanted my attention, then he had to learn to leave me alone every now and then. I can’t function right when I am constantly surrounded by people (even if I don’t know them). I HAVE to have time alone every single day. I can maybe go ONE day without time alone. MAYBE. Sometimes I even stay busy with chores so that people leave me alone.

    Now, it’s not that I don’t enjoy people. I love my friends and family and I love spending time with them! But for some reason, introverts have trouble giving people attention if they haven’t had much time to themselves. The fact is that introverts get their energy from being alone. It can wear them out being ar0und people, especially some extroverts who are overwhelming to them. NOT that they don’t love them or enjoy them. Sometimes I have to ignore my husband, because I know that if I give him eye contact, he’ll think that he can approach me without holding back. He gets loud and touchy-feely. He never stops talking and follows me around. I love him, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I can handle that, and sometimes I can’t. Certain times of day are worse, too. Like, he knows I’ll “punch” him (so to speak) if he talks to me in the morning. I’m a morning person, I just don’t like people talking to me in the morning.

    Introverts have to be alone to think. Whereas extroverts can think while speaking or listening. Imagine how many thoughts go on in someones mind each day! Introverts have to have some time alone so they can process through all of that. Some days there’s more and it takes more time alone, and other days they can be really social because there is not a whole lot on their mind. Does any of this make sense?

    Not to be mean, AT ALL, just being blunt…you MIGHT be a little overwhelming to him which makes him a little more protective or like talking to a wall. I feel overwhelmed by my husband all the time. but I am so in love with him and I will always be in love with him. He makes my days so wonderful! However, it sounds like you are doing your part to compromise…now it’s his turn. He needs to communicate well with you, too.

    My husband and I are learning to give each other “alone time” at least once a day, either in the morning or at night. Most of the time in the morning. It works well for us. I promise him that I will give him much attention throughout the rest of the day (although, I help him to understand that doesn’t necessarily mean that I will follow HIM around) as long as I can have an hour or two to myself without him trying to get my attention.

  16. Sorry to hear that the relationship ended but hope you are recovering now. I think it is the best for both of you since you are not happy with the relationship anymore and he is more caught up in his life troubles. Hope you’ll find someone who will take care of you more than words.

  17. Interesting how sometimes when a guy holds back, it gets the girl all the more interested and nice guys who are at the bid and call of girls somehow end up in the friend zone.

    That said, I do sympathisze with your situation. Pressuring him won’t help. That said, somethimes, openning up can lead a person to feel vulnerable. If you wish him to open up, know that he must first feel safe to do so. I am no psychology expert but sometimes, sharing an insecurity or 2 about yourself eg a time when you were really hurt or embarass etc may signal to him your trust for him and encourage him to open up more.
    Ivan@How to Court a Girl´s last post ..How to Court a Girl

  18. Dear Emmy

    I know it might be a bit late, but have you ever considered that his decision to end the relationship because you were getting too hurt may arise from the feeling that he is not coming up to your expectations? Men usually withdraw if they feel that they cannot come up to the expectations of the woman, especially if they have low self esteem. The thing is, you might be different, and of course opposites attract, but you have to make him feel good about himself, that he can make you happy despite being different, which would do the trick and make him open up to you. If not him, try it on the next introverted guy you meet.

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  20. I completely understand your situation. My fiancé and I had to go through this together at the beginning of our relationship. I finally broke down and had a very emotional conversation with him at that point he listened, quietly apologized and left. About a wk after that he showed me he was listening. My hunny will never say anything, it took 3 working on 4 years for him to tell me he loves me. The best advice I can give is say your piece and if he’s anything like my inny he’ll show you. He might not say it and it might be a long road ( need I say almost four years again), but at the end it’s worth it. My inny is finally opening up to me, and I still have to remind myself to read his actions.

  21. I feel for you, Emmy. I dated a very similar person for 3 years. His introversion was complicated by the fact that he never felt comfortable with any kind of openness at all. I learned to accept a lot of things that, in retrospect, simply allowed an empty relationship to survive long past its expiration date. I learned to never bring up important subjects because it would make him withdraw, no matter how gently and briefly I spoke to him. I learned that writing letters made him feel more comfortable, he was unlikely to answer anything in them. I learned that even a tiny disagreement was a relationship-ending fight in his eyes.

    In the end we never truly broke up — his company moved him and we just went our separate ways. He started to appreciate me after it was over but it was just “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” We had no chance of making it work. I think your situation is the same. It hurts now, but it is for the best. Imagine living your entire life wondering if every natural expression of love made the person you love most pull away. And be glad it’s over.

  22. While reading emmy story my mind kept shouting thats me thats me! (her fiance) everything he does is a mirror image of my actions except that i am a girl….and after reading the whole story i realized ppl really do feel insecure by my actions even though they are not intended that way at all lol
    it could be true that guy might not be feeling the way emmy was/is but its quite possible that just like me he couldnt express the way you want
    You said : *his emails and texts are always so expressive and often so sweet…
    which unfortunately often gets ne excited to see him… and when I do, TURTLE!!!* that holds true for me too because i get time to think before writing anything and plus my heartthrob isnt in front of me so yeah i can write well but face to face i just end up mute….and all that time i keep thinking god i need to keep something going on or my boyfriend might end up insecure so i start talking about my day just like maybe maybe your boyfriend did about his business trip ofc you lead him on by asking and he took the chance ?
    and for
    *he laughed, gave me a half hug, addressed me by my full name and motioned to the escalator.*
    it was perfect situation for an extrovert to enjoy but an introvert like me would blush smile and rush away but that does not mean i was avoiding you but those ppl watching around you? (if there were any )
    and how emmy ended i fear the same for me cause i know all my flaws like your fiance might be knowing but i cant fix them because that awkwardness is what i am thats why i end up telling my bf to date his coworker, neighbor girl, ex just because i know i am at fault and will unwillingly hurt him like emmy was but gladly enough he is persistent uptil now and loves me all the same
    But then again i am not like this all the time i mean when i am enjoying myself doing things we both find interesting,without thinking about love and its related fears, we always have a blast and he always end up saying that you really were made for me lol

  23. Same situation here my boyfriend of 8 months will shutdown on me due to financial and personal family issues, i always thought at the beggining you want to be every moment with that person instead he showed no interest to see me, i took it as maybe he has someone else. He actually sent me an email saying that i show no interest to know what goes on with him, that is hard to open up at times i should ask and wait for him to answer, and he is afraid to open up more thinking he is doing more than me and at the end he will get hurt. We tried again but because his lack of interest to see me i told him i dont think you can give me what i need companion..he sent me an email saying he cares so much for me but with how he feels about me is better we go separate ways now…..After seeing this blog i understand how he feels and i realised he is introverted and im 200% extroverted. I love him and care for him, i told him im sorry for my suffocating need of attention and I offered my friendship although what i want is be with him 🙁 I saw him after a month he broke up with me…was a quick hello to drop off his belongings out of no where unexpected he hugged me kissed my forhead then pop kiss me…I was stanfing like statue confused he seemed nervous and we both got in our cars. Im still confused about it..i understan introverts a little now but heck they can be the
    Sweetest thing and still break your heart..i have not spoke to him since then becsuse not sure how to take it or why he did that? Any opinions??

  24. Wow! Well its been a long time since you’ve posted this and I wonder if you’ll even see this…but girl I understand! I am in the exact same situation and it makes me feel so much better to know that I’m not the only one going through it. I’ve been with my guy for about 4 months and I literally could have looked at this and thought that I had written it, it sounds so much like my guy! From my experience so far honestly its about compromise. You as the extravert have to constantly be aware that he does care. Like those small things he does such as texting you in the morning or evening…those are his ways of showing you he cares. With my guy I just had to learn to literally be aware of those small efforts cause as an extrovert I show I care in “bigger ways” then he probably will. Also with seeing his pics being all happy and stuff…know that with introverts it takes them ALOT longer to trust…to completely let us in. Take a look at the last 3 months of your relationship do you see a change at all in how much he lets you in and introduces you to friends etc.? At first I didn’t see one with my man but over time I’ve seen change…VERY SLOWLY. The main thing I can say is have patience. I don’t know if your still with this guy but ill tell you if you do decide to stay with him you’ll have to talk to him and you’ll both have to make efforts to communicate and make each other happy. It may take a little more effort on your side just because its easier for an extrovert to simmer down then an introvert to become more outgoing. Either way I wish you luck. I know how frustrating this all can be there’s times I literally want to be done. its VERY FRUSTRATING. You got this girl! 🙂

  25. Well, I can truly relate to your story 100% I’ve read post after posts about dating introverted men trying to understand how his mind works. We’ve been dating a lil over a month… And he told me he loved me and after only dating for about a couple weeks, I asked him what he thought of me/us. His reply “I think you understand me, that’s what I think, that’s why I like you” but it wasn’t until recently I now know he is an introvert. I’m an introvert with some extrovert tendencies. I love my down time and I get exhausted going out with friends too. I dated nothing but extroverts before this guy and they were exhausting 100% to me. I can relax more around him but I still sort of crave for that bonding or understanding “where we stand” at this point. He is emotionless but seems more emotionally expressive at night to me. Telling me how much he appreciates me and all I do. He asks me daily if I am happy. I guess this is to validate that I’m ok and he wants me happy and not to leave. It is an adjustment and sometimes I’m afraid to approach him with my thoughts. I don’t want to freak him out. There are times I wonder if he is frustrated with me but then he says or does something to throw that thought out. I get it he wants down time even if I’m present Charlie Brown “ARGH!!!!!!”

  26. Gabriell Didi on

    I know exactly what youre going through. I am with a man for 2 rough years now, who I love with all my heart. There is just one on going problem and its that I cant get the affection I crave while also tending to his need for alone time. We live together and have separate rooms. We work opposite schedules all week long. And now our sex life seems to be going down a wrong turn. He says he’d feel better if I left him alone more often, but if I did, where does time for us come into play? And when we do have time together, first things first, he wakes up and has tons of coffee and “works” on his computer for hours while I just lay there hoping he may wake up and want to go outside or even workout inside together or even make breakfast together. Lunch comes around and then its nap time. After nap more coffee. “We” spend half the day just waking up. Its nice sometimes but others its boring and recently its been boring. I told him how I feel and he still insists everything would be better if he had more stress free alone time… I wish hed see how my brain works… this Shit is not programmable. Help.

  27. Um hello…..? I know this was posted years ago but hey everybody gets their turn to experience stuff . It’s my turn now. By reading all of the comments, I am truly, truly fascinated by the fact that such type of person does exist and in fact, I’ve been spending weeks reading, researching, and more reading about introversion and of course, waiting patiently for my introvert crush to come out of his shell when he’s ready. It’s been ….5 days since I last heard from him, more like last seen, we went on a getaway weekend trip together. Every time we does things together, I feel like we get closer, but the wait man, waiting for him for days to reach out is indeed irritating. I know I felt right being with him and he did too, but as the info I’ve been collecting so far, I came across a lot to the ” recharging” process, which no doubt and I’d rather not having any doubt right now, to believe /hope that it’s true and he will come out of the shell again. It’s so very hard though, because women are such a fragile thing, biologically , mentally and emotionally, our hormones have it’s way to drive us nuts into thinking one way or another. I felt so right and he opened up a lot ( but still, no kissing, little hand holding, limited small talk) , but he shared things and he acted silly just to make me laugh. However though, the hormones in me sometimes tell me that if I don’t hear from him for days, might as well drop him off my mind , that, or probably I did something wrong but he’s too introverted to point out, that , or oh he’s just gone, no explanations. If I force myself to be more logical right now,I can honesty say I don’t even fucking know what’s going in his head and all I’ve been doing is thinking which leads to ill assumptions . I rather let him speak up whether it’s good or bad. I am an introvert by the way, but I’m an extroverted introvert, I can be social and fun and awesome and have no problems in expressing feelings to someone who I deeply have feelings for, And I still can shut myself out for days with my phone in the drawers just so I could catch up with reading, or watching supernatural, TWD etc etc ( sorry mom, sorry sis, sorry BFF, sorry love! I t’s quiet time).I choose the person really carefully to express my feelings to however, it only happens when I sense honesty and genuine from the person and know that he feels the same way. In fact I only verbally expressed / used the L word with one person in my entire life , and I still feel bad that I didn’t really mean to say it but I was drawn in by the extroversion energy anywho it’s a different story. By getting to know this other introvert, I found back a part within me that’s been missing and it all makes sense. I realize sometimes I don’t have to keep saying I love you or I like you just for the fun of it, because those words do magics and have deep meaning . There are cons though, that when I worry that I might be bothering him by texting him when he needs his space , and chances are, he might be doing the same thing . Let us hope we’re not gonna senselessly end things like that ( finger cross lol) . And it takes a lot for an introvert to step out and speak up or ask something, it scares me mentally, physically! and emotionally whenever I know I have to gout my guts out to ask someone about something, especially the special someone. But I guess after the feelings are clear, it’s clear, and you know someone cares when they reach out, for when I shut him out to deal with my downfalls, he wanted to know if I was ok and he asked if it was because of him. That’s when I know he cares. Sometimes, he doesn’t , period, lol. I don’t hear from him for days, when I do, whether happy or sad, he has the same expression, same face, same tone. And then ” hey let’s meet up at “city name” for a getaway weekend” out of the blue. That’s what I am experiencing right now,. I like going out but my, his silence and limited words ” I don’t understand the need of having to be out every weekend” makes me want to stay in, because when he says something, he means every word and you better take that and drop your cool down, he’s there with you , not there to judge or intimidate you. He’s being him and he will know when you’re not being you, there’s no point if honestly doesn’t exist within, and letting him rest on my chest sleeping like a child was , well, worth it.

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