Sometimes it’s easy to feel lonely just because of all the wild activity we see (and imagine) all around us. We hear about parties and other social gatherings to which we weren’t even invited, and of course we see evidence of such events all the time, even at the supermarket. People are busily buying snack foods before “the big game” or party foods during the holidays, and we imagine their beautiful homes filled with great friends and family having an awesome time. And yet here we are, all alone with our textbooks or TV or just a cat. Sometimes a pang of loneliness can sneak up on us and feel like a real physical pain that must be addressed.
In my own life, loneliness like this can be a useful reminder. If it never hit me at all, I might be content to spend almost all of my spare time totally alone and never make the effort to nurture friendships when I didn’t feel like being with others. Since loneliness sometimes tells me that I am “missing” being with others, it serves as a motivator to make sure I’m seeing my friends often enough to keep strong relationships, to clean up the house even when I’d rather read, and in general to make sure I’m maintaining the friendships and family ties that mean a lot to me – even if it’s one of those weeks or months when there’s so much else to do that I’d really like to just veg out after work each day.
Although loneliness, like other pain, can serve a purpose, much of the time loneliness is not useful and is instead just a bad feeling about what we think we’re missing out on. Since we see commercials about getting ready for parties or huge holiday gatherings, we think we should be doing those things too. If we’re still in school, we hear other people talking about the wild weekend they just had, and we immediately feel an emptiness as we think we’re missing an essential part of high school or college. When I was in college, I felt that I should be going out more, and that I should have a huge gang of friends who ran around together constantly, but I could not see the obvious: I really didn’t want to go out any more than I did, and I didn’t want the same people around me all the time or too much of the time. Really, although I only had a few people I would have called close friends, and they didn’t know each other at all, I had created a life that was just right for me. The only thing that was really bothering me was all those “should”s nagging me all the time. I really just wanted to be asked to loads of parties; I didn’t actually want to go!
In middle age, I’m still susceptible to this, but I’m getting better at analyzing my feelings quickly. I live in a city that’s 150 miles from the one where I grew up, so I don’t have family here except for my own kids, and I don’t have old friends from high school or college here either. So when I see others getting ready for gatherings where they’ll watch their own college team, I feel a bit like an alien. There’s no way I would really want to go to a party to watch the local university play football; I have my own team in my home city. But I sometimes feel lonely because no one has even invited me. I have to stop and remember that what I really want to do on Saturday afternoon is exactly what I am doing! Likewise, I’m aware that there are “supper clubs” or other social gatherings going on all around me in my new city, and I could stop and think that I’m missing out on “life” – perhaps I’m not invited because I’m not married and most people my age are. But when I really stop and ask myself if I’d want to be part of that sort of life, if I’d like for my phone to ring now with an invitation, my answer is of course not! Maybe some people would think I “should” be entertaining more and going out more, but once again, I have my life just the way I want it. I have a few good friends that I do various things with, and I have my kids at home too, so most of my weekend time is spent with them. This holiday season, instead of letting the media and store displays make me feel as if I’m missing out on life, I’m going to enjoy seeing decorations and festivities without that nagging feeling that I “should” be having a party or going to more of them.
If you feel lonely, try to analyze whether you’re really lonely or if you’re really just wondering if something is missing. Maybe your loneliness does mean you should make an effort to meet some people whose company you’ll enjoy or to get together more often with those you already know. But if you have friends and you’re happy with those relationships, then don’t let the world make you feel as if you “should” have a certain number of friends. Likewise if you’re going out as often as you want to and you’re really happy doing what you’re doing, then go ahead and accept that and enjoy being happy! When you hear about a party and feel that feeling of failure and loneliness, ask yourself if you really want to go to the party – or if you would have just liked to be asked. Often once I ask myself that question, it’s enough to make me realize I’m so glad I don’t have to think of an excuse for yet another occasion – and I look at my quiet evening ahead with renewed appreciation and anticipation!
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I struggle with this fairly often. I think it is part of what kept me from understanding that I am an introvert for a long time, actually! I’d think I “should” be going out more, and so I would, and to a point I’d enjoy it. The amount of time I’d end up spending on my own (living alone) didn’t register, nor the amount of alone time I’d need to recover.
I moved to this city 3 years ago, and I find it a difficult city to find friends in. It’s a common complaint here. Mostly I don’t care – like you, I am almost always doing exactly what I want to do with my free time (at least in terms of how social I am). But there are those times when I have a longing for a group of friends (or just one or two!) to do stuff with. It isn’t that I have no local friends at all, but they are the kind of friends I see a small handful of times a year, and it always seems a production to get together.
This weekend I had a really busy Saturday planned. My normal volunteering in the morning, followed by tabling, followed by a holiday fundraising party for a local advocacy group I support. At the last minute, I found out that through lack of clear communication, an out of town friend was visiting! Luckily it’s the kind of friend who is perfectly happy doing exactly what I’d already had planned.
But man, when he left this morning, I felt so relieved that I felt guilty about it. I was talked out, peopled out. My head was buzzing, I was focusing on the floor instead of my friend, I wanted to just sleep. As soon as it was just me and the cats in the condo though, the energy started to come back.
It was a pretty startling reminder of how much I need some down time. I enjoyed the weekend, I enjoyed the tabling and the many conversations, the time with a good friend who I see only a few times a year, and the 3 hour conversation I ended up having with a potential new friend I met while tabling, but it took a lot out of me!
And makes me wonder what exactly I’d do if I had more friends and more opportunities to hang out. Balance is hard sometimes. I guess ideally all of my friends would join me in my saturday volunteer work! lol.
Something else I learned in the past couple years is that “should” is a fairly evil word. (Okay, a little over dramatic there! lol.) “Should” has so many implications – not just obligation, but also judgment. As someone said to me, “stop shoulding yourself!” (It sounds like a swear word if you say it out loud like that!) And usually “should” is a word we use when we are being too lazy and thus imprecise with our language. When I make the effort, I can always find a more precise way of expressing the reality behind any “should” I’m tempted to express. It’s a useful exercise, I’ve found.
Rambling a bit. Scattered from my too-social weekend, perhaps!
It’s always so nice to have somewhere to talk about these things, knowing it will be understood!
Deb, you’re right – “should” is definitely evil!
I’m in the same boat when it comes to out of town guests. I’m always massively relieved if they can’t stay the night, but the next morning I wish they’d come right back! I just really need a break – a big break – after a few hours. I totally identify with every word – and I know there are lots of folks out there who do too.
I think this is something many of us introverts have felt; that we should be doing more socially, just because we see others do it and we see it on TV. I guess it is part of the extrovert propaganda that is spread by, yes, extroverts; for extroverts.
Still, when I am at home on a Saturday night playing a game, watching a film or just surfing blindly on the web, I know this is what I want to do. I do not feel like walking around at night, being surrounded by drunk loud people.
It is kind of funny watching an extrovert see an ad for a big happening or something and they say that they ‘want to go’ because ‘it is fun’. You can just see it in their eyes they do not want you to ask why it is fun, because all they will do is repeat ‘it is fun’, and maybe add that it is ‘fun to be around people’.
I might sound like an old grumpy man, but I do not want to do something just because ‘it is fun’. I want to do something because I want to do it. The key here is, I. As in, I want to go because I want to do it, not because everyone else is going.
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Xen, now that is funny! I’m going to try watching for that – instead of being annoyed, I’m going to look with some amusement, as an extrovert gets excited about something – just because lots of people will be there.
I also sometimes think that an invitation would be nice, even though I don’t really want to go. But then I again, I most often hope not to get invited cause I don’t want to explain why I don’t want to go and I don’t want to be the guy that always says no to do social stuff.
Also the problem for me is that, even though I think I have the amount of friends I feel comfortable with, none of them really knows eachother. So I can’t do stuff with lots of friends since they are all “individual friends (and their girlfriends/wifes)”. I don’t really mind but it does make it a bit more complicated to do stuff for New Years celebration
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Klaus – yep – I’d like to think I “would” be invited, but I’m happier if somehow I don’t get invited to most things, because I hate having to always say no.
I always thought I was the only one who had all the different friends who didn’t know each other. But you know what it is? It’s that we introverts have friends we know and like for their genuine qualities. It’s not just the general “I’m friends with the football team,” or “I hang out with the physics geeks,” we are real friends with various individuals and they just don’t happen to know each other. But yep – when it comes to an occasion like New Year’s Eve, you can introduce them and let worlds collide..or they may not like each other.
I totally agree. I’m currently in college and hear about the parties and think about going, but then I realize I’d feel extremely awkward and I’d be checking my watch constantly to see if it was time to leave. I’m great living in my single room with my TV, iPod, laptop, and books. After a full week of classes and obnoxious roommates, I usually need the entire weekend to recharge and parties and other events would only make it worse.
Brianna, I have definitely found that it takes just about all of Saturday for me to totally recharge from the work week. I can’t imagine trying to have a weekend packed with social activities too. I’m glad to hear you already know you need time to recharge and you allow yourself that time.
> I guess it is part of the extrovert propaganda that is spread by, yes, extroverts; for extroverts.
And yes, similar same psychology tricks work to sell to introverts…
Not meaning to be cynical, but remember that extroverts natural ‘me too!’ reactions to party/festive scenes are a great way to sell things and make money – count yourselves lucky you can see through it
Bee, that is a great point! Hey extroverts…don’t be the last to buy this great… Everyone’s getting one!
This is an extroverted world but we don’t have to abid by it. I rarely go out to parties b/c when I get there, I want to leave immediately. I have a friend who is all about going out and having a good time…in other word shes a social butterfly. I’m happy seeing her once a week and hanging out with her but most times I’m content w/ texting. When I get that “missing” feeling, I know that I’m just bored and it time to go out and socialize (or I just drive around to no destination). I envy those who have a hug social circle at times, but by the end of the day I’m happy doing my own thing
Jennie – me too. Once a week is plenty. Texting or emailing keeps us in touch, then seeing each other once in a while is fun – but not every day. Doing our own thing is sooo nice.
Another spot on entry!
This feeling is all too common for me. 5 days a week I’m in school, and I can’t get through a single one without having to stand or sit idly by while people talk about the party that’s just passed or the one that is upcoming. I want absolutely nothing to do with it, but you can’t not feel at least a little bit frozen out when it becomes 90% of the conversation you listen to.
But you know what I find funny, albeit maddening to have to listen to? These people go to all these clubs and parties, but when they come back to school, all I seem to hear are complaints about cabs, price of drinks is too high, etc. I hear very little “Man, I had an awesome time on Friday night!” I don’t get that. Why are you bothering to go in the first place if you have so many complaints about it?
It’s nice to be an introvert. We seem to be a happier, more stress free, complaint free bunch than extroverts. Although I have to admit I’m a bit like Jennie and I have a bit of envy for that “hug social circle” and other such friendly physical contact that extroverts seem able to whip up out of thin air. I mean, biologically, that sort of stuff is beneficial for all of us whether we’re introverted or extroverted because of oxytocin or some such thing right? But being the introvert that I am and the “reputation” that comes along with that, stuff like that is just out of character. I’ve got myself in a box that isn’t very easily broken. The “creepy” and “weird” stigma that always seems to come along with it just isn’t worth the effort anymore. Same thing applies to friendly compliments, but that’s another rant entirely!
Thanks Andrew! I do know what you mean about the friendly physical contact. I know two extroverts who are extremely likeable (and of course I know plenty of introverts who are extremely likeable too)… but for these two extroverts it is totally natural for them to hug others – old, young, fat, thin – they give a friendly hug. You’re right – it reduces stress, releases beneficial chemicals… Perhaps you could work your way into this by first befriending a nice and friendly extrovert and receiving a few of their hugs!
It never fails to give me that queer feeling inside me when I read something that is so totally me. Browsing over my year book and seeing those photographs where classmates have those faces that speak of ’so much fun’, I get a churning inside me that reminds me again of a great chunk of things I missed and can never regain. Even the sight of teenagers giggling over something reminds me again of this.
Today, I have better reasons to stay at home rather than agree to evenings out. My family is enough reason to be at home. I make sure though that my kids get to experience fun and not look back someday and think the same way I do. Of course, I don’t brood over the ‘things missed’ like some kind of regret. I guess it’s just the way I am that makes me comfortable to afford missing those things, I suppose.
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There are days where I regret some things in high school, but it was never the smiling teenagers (I disliked teenager even while being a teenager). What I regret was my education choices. I had all these chances ahead of me but I took it for granted. I was an idiot back than, but than life is a learning experience.
However, the upside to the route I’ve taken lead me to experience things that I would had avoided in high school. For instance, in college, I meant my true friends (4-5 year now) who introduced me to my 1st BF and basicly showed me this other world outside of my own conservative circle.
Yep Jennie – at the age we usually go to high school and college, we’re often ‘way too young to be making life decisions! Glad you’re benefiting from the experience and have a good circle of friends and richer life now.
Hi James. I’ve done that too. I even did it while I was still in college, looking through the yearbook and thinking I should be joining more things, I should be doing this… *should*.. It can make you miserable.
I did hear enough of the other side though to make me thankful to be able to do my own thing. One example was a sorority girl who was going to an event and told us all, “But I don’t like my date.” Yuck – give me a good movie or book any day over a date with someone I don’t even like.
It’s good that you’re conscious of your experience now that you have kids though – you can show them things and encourage them so their world is as big as they want it to be.
Thanks cb.
When I was their age, it seemed like I was very cautious about all things. That’s why I often keep to myself and never try things out. Now, I tell them to go do it. I tolerate a most of their mistakes and goof ups because I guess that’s the best way for them to learn. My little girl (the youngest) seem to have a leaning towards being an introvert. I think it’s alright as long as she don’t go to extremes.
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As many had stated above, I’m agreeing with what you shared here. Sometimes reading your post makes me wonder am I also an introvert. =) Maybe I do have a part of that in me too.
Personally, I can’t say I’m all up for the events or gatherings from friends. There are reasons why I can’t or don’t feel like attending sometimes, but to be asked is always a good feeling – you are remembered. ^^ For example, a person may still hope to get a message or email from friends, even though he/she may not feel like replying it at that very instance. We may all have this need in us to be cared or noticed.
To understand the main reason why we feel like going to an event we most likely won’t enjoy, will save a lot of headaches and confusions.
Reminded me of one of your posts about how it’s hard to say ‘no’ to others. It’s hard to treat ourselves better at times, don’t you think? But we really should be.
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Hi Ching Ya, Yes, it seems to me that a lot of bloggers are either introverts or at least extroverts who occasionally enjoy a lot of time alone – because if they didn’t, they couldn’t do all that’s required for a blog!
Great point – understanding why we feel the way we do really will save a lot of headache and confusion! I think sometimes we don’t stop to figure out exactly why we’re feeling the way we do.
Hello
This is a great post and according to me loneliness is not good for anybody.You have described very well about loneliness and this will be very useful for those who feels lonely in their life.Thank you very much for such nice post.
I think that there is a certain amount of pressure put upon introverts making us feel “abnormal” if we do not want to participate in parties, outings, etc. I am kind of the opposite in the fact that I am happy not being invited to things, because I generally just don’t want to go. But I also think that is because I don’t know the right people, and the ones I do know aren’t really my friends – they are all my husbands’ friends. So I kind of end up feeling like people are nice to me just because they are friends with him, but not really because they want to be nice to me.
I think worse than being invited somewhere, however, is being a forced host to a party. My hubby wants his friends to come over and hangout at our place, so not only am I required to be there, I’m supposed to be the happy host as well. It’s double torture in the sense that I can’t even leave when I’m ready to go… I have to wait for them to leave my home.
~ Kristi
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Kristi I have definitely been there! When I dated and then married an extrovert who had this huge circle of friends, I always felt (KNEW) that they were HIS friends…and that I was just included in stuff because I was with him. I spent most of my people-time with him and them, so I didn’t develop many close friends of my own until we moved away. I hope over time you’ll meet more people who are your true friends. Of course you have TONS of friends on the web – real friends who really like you. But I know the extrovert world doesn’t “count” those.
Oh yes – definitely being forced to host a party is the ultimate – much worse than just having to go to one. Advice columnists and books would spout, “Compromise!” But what is compromise – friends over 3 nights a week instead of 7?! If it’s just a week night and they’re watching a game or something, maybe you can have a real or fake “deadline” for some web work you “must do” some of those nights so you can retreat to your peace and quiet.
Thanks so much for your comment. So glad to have you at Introvert Zone!
Oh, Kristi, that does sound like torture. Is it other couples who come over, or mostly his male friends? If it was the latter it might be easy enough to call it “guys night out” and you could let them do their thing while you escape with some friends of your own elsewhere.
Before I found this site, I did not know there are many like myself but apperantly there are,and I am kind of happy:-) Almost everyone around me loves going out and finds me weird because I stay at home most of the time and prefer to be alone.To be honest I’d rather prefer I’d not be asked when friends go out:-)
Oh you’re definitely not alone! A lot of people don’t talk about this to others because we think we’re the only ones, but remember even if less than half or even one fourth of the world population is introverts, that’s still a whole lot of introverts!
At the moment I have family around me and I know there are times when I have to force myself to socialize with friends etc. so as to keep the wife happy, when I would much prefer staying at home relaxing.
I’m not sure what it would be like if I didn’t have my family around me but I would like to think that I would be able to manage on my own. Seeing as how I dislike crowds and such I doubt very much that I would be looking at people frolicking with their friends with any regret if I was alone.
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Yep, the only time I feel really bad these days is if my kids both go off on a long trip and I miss them or am WORRIED about them. If I know everyone’s OK, I can be alone for quite a long time and entertain myself very well!
Yeah, if nothing else at least we have our mates on the Internet.
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Some of my favorites are the ones I’ve met on the internet – people I have something in common with besides just geography.
Everyone feels lonely sometimes. But I think we introverts actually feel lonely less often than extroverts might. Extroverts need to surround themselves with people and activity all the time – which practically speaking, isn’t easy to keep up. We all need to sleep sometime
Still, whenever I’m feeling lonely, I try to make a connection. Even if it’s just a phone call or a text. It helps. Everyone needs to feel like they belong, it’s just a part of being human.
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This was very helpful to read as I often feel this way. I have never shared these feelings with anyone or heard other people express it, so it is encouraging to know that there isn’t something wrong with me and that its a common occurrence among introverts.
thanks!