I’ve stumbled across this blog during a period of deep soul-searching. It’s been brought on by a pretty traumatic breakup with my first girlfriend. Before the events leading to the breakup, we had talked about getting married and she was even talking about kids. I’m 23, and we had been together for two years.
We’d had our ups and downs like any couple, but we seemed to overcome them for a while. But she’s made the decision to break up so I guess me dwelling on it won’t change anything. I freely admit I’ve been to dark places in the aftermath of it, but I can feel myself slowly getting better.
Anyway, since this happened four months ago I find I’ve been spending quite a lot of time on my own, working through things and trying to let myself heal.
There have been moments where I’ve doubted myself and thought that there is something wrong with me. I know that as part of the healing process I need to focus on myself and accept myself for who I am.
I’ve always thought I was a bit different from everyone else.
At university I didn’t live the stereotypical lifestyle you associate with it. All of the drinking and “macho” behaviour most guys seemed to display and participate in didn’t appeal to me in the slightest. Sure, I would go out for a few beers every now and then, but I focused on my work and I really enjoyed my course.
I hate nightclubs. You can’t hear yourself think, the drinks are overpriced and most of the time the music is poor. If you were to give me the choice between a nightclub and an evening at home alone with a book I’d choose the latter every time. I’ve always thought this made me weird, that there was something wrong with me. Even after a being at a party for a while I would get uncomfortable and want to go home. In my head I would criticise myself and question why I felt like that. On quite a few occasions when I’ve been out at university and at house parties with friends I’ve decided leave and just walked out on my own, often without telling people where I was going.
I’ve known for a few years now that I’m an introvert.
I feel like I’m quite misunderstood a lot of the time. Many people say I’m too serious, some say I’m boring, others say I’m anti-social. Few people seem to make the effort to scratch under the surface.
A lot of what is on the site strikes a chord with me, and it’s reassuring to know that there are people out there who have dealt with the issues that I face.
Are there any tips you could pass on to help with my self-acceptance? What I’m doing at the moment is focusing on myself in the aftermath of what’s happened. Jumping back into a relationship so soon would not be good for me, and it wouldn’t be fair on the other person either.
I think this is one of the biggest areas I have to work on when it comes to my introversion. I have this deep fear that it will keep me from finding someone to build a future with. After all, if my idea of fun is a hot date with a book, how will I find someone? Will I find someone that understands me and accepts me for who I am? If I’m on the sidelines at a party being quiet and most probably planning my escape route, how will I stand out to someone?
I love my solitude, but I do want to find someone special I can let into my world. I thought my girlfriend was that person, but I guess what she did shows she wasn’t.
If there’s any help you can give I would really appreciate it. Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts.