A lot of introverts are looking for help in dealing with being an introvert in college. Why are introverted students the ones who have to be concerned or sometimes miserable? After all, introversion is a normal personality preference; it’s not a disability or disease. However, since we are the minority and many people do not recognize our traits as just as normal and valid as anyone else’s, we are faced with living in a world dominated by extroverts who have no idea what we’re really about.
So what’s making introverts unhappy in college right now?
Loneliness
If you feel lonely, try to figure out what is causing the bad feeling so you can know what you really need to do:
- Are you actually homesick, missing your familiar friends, family, and places? If so, that will pass as you get a new routine and some new friends, but sure, some new experiences will distract you very nicely.
- Are you really content to spend a lot of time alone but just see everyone else going crazy with social stuff and think it’s “supposed” to be that way? We see movies and read books and hear stories about people’s college experiences that make us think we must have football games, dances, dating, and loads of parties, or else we are missing our college experience – “the best years of your life.” Sure, college years are wonderful ones, but not just for those shallow reasons. It is a time to truly develop into the person you are, to find out what you like and dislike, and of course to get a great education to prepare you to work and live in the world. Relax and explore at your own pace. Of course don’t shut in your room all weekend – you need to be alone to recharge, not to hide.
- Are you really lonely and longing for friends or a boyfriend/girlfriend? Those things will come, but you should be in places where new friends can find you. Try joining some casual activities that don’t require a lot of social “overhead.” Do things where you can actually DO something instead of having to stand there making small talk. If you’re an animal lover, go volunteer at the local shelter. If you’d rather help build a robot, build a Habitat for Humanity, plant trees, or something else, find the group that’s doing that. It’s so much easier to get to know others when you’re doing something instead of just trying to think of something to say.
- Do you have friends but are worried that you don’t have enough friends, or that your friends are various individuals who aren’t all in one big group? Once again, don’t compare yourself to anyone else. If you enjoy your friends, can rely on them, and have great relationships with them, you are luckier than most people! Introverts don’t have huge groups of people they lightly call “friends.” We form deep friendships that can last for many, many years. Enjoy those friends and sure, keep your eyes open for new ones as they appear, all through life.
People Problems
If you are miserable because of what the people around you are doing when you want to be quiet or alone, try to picture yourself confident and not angry (even if you feel angry and not confident) and what you’d say in the situation.
- Hey, I have an 8:00 class, would you please use headphones after midnight?
- Thanks for the invite, but I’m exhausted and need some “me” time. I’ll catch you next time!
- Would you go to your girlfriend’s instead of her coming here tonight? I’m cramming for a test..
And I know that sometimes the situation is a whole lot worse than that. Some extroverts might be partying all night. Heck, some introverts might be partying all night! Or they might have friends or boyfriend/girlfriend in the room constantly. In this case, if the other person is nice at all, try to have a talk with them. A calm, polite talk where you look pleasant and speak pleasantly, with respect for both your own and your roommate’s preferences. Don’t call them names but don’t be self-deprecating and call yourself names either.
If you can’t work it out, seriously try to find someone else to room with and request that through your housing department. By the end of a semester or so, you should really know some quiet people who may be in the same boat as you! Nowadays you have forums, Facebook, all sorts of ways to “advertise” discreetly for someone who fits. And of course remember no one is perfect. There will be slobs, cell phone yappers, neat freaks, all kinds of people, and course they are getting accustomed to you too.
Remember, some colleges have private rooms available, so by all means get on the waiting list for one if you can afford it!
What else?
This post is only a beginning for us talking about the college experience for introverts, so if you’re having a problem or issue in college, or if you found a great way to deal with something, please leave a comment below. I’m hoping readers can help each other with these situations a bit – maybe someone can shed new light on a problem.
Photo credit: peruisay
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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
I can really agree with this post. I’m lucky enough to have my own room, but unfortunately live in a suite with other girls. Some of the girls are constantly having other kids stop by who can be the loudest people on earth, which makes it even worse because the walls are so thin, so even with the door shut, I might as well be in the same room with them. I just head to the library after classes (it helps me recharge even with other people around) until dinner, then go to the dining hall and stay in my room with the headphones on all night to drown them out.
Hi Brianna, That is so wonderful you not only have your own room but have a great plan to make sure you can recharge each day. It is annoying to have to hear the others through the walls, but at least you have those walls – and your headphones.
Thank you for sharing your situation with us – I’ll bet a lot of students who are reading this have similar stories and routines but may have felt alone in it or not realized that it’s part of being a normal, healthy introvert!
It’s a common myth that introverts cannot succeed and thrive.
But I agree that a college life is one area in which it could potentially be particularly difficult. Lots of 18 year olds, away from home for the first time… the extroverts become MUCH more extoverted and the introverts can often become even more introverted.
Brianna, it seems you have the right attitude in getting to the library and so on. What a shame you have to sit in your room with headphones though.
Would it not be possible for you to ask them about the noise levels? Or are they the type ofpeople you probably wouldn’t really approach about that?
I have a story about a past college experience. My roommate and I were in our room. My roommate was studying and I may have been studying as well. But my roommate was having a hard time tolerating the noise that was coming from the students in the dorm room next to ours. My roommate made a couple of comments about how loud they were, and after a while, I got up the nerve to go next door and ask them if they could please quiet down. I was a little nervous about asking them but it had to be done, other wise my roommate would have just kept on complaining, since she was even less assertive than me, and I am not very assertive, at all. But out of the both of us, I had more of a mouth on me so I ended up asking. They agreed to be more quiet, but once I got back to my room, my roommate and I heard them making comments because I had asked them to tone it down. They made it seem like I had no right to ask them that and they also made comments about how they never asked my roommate and I to be queit if we were being loud. But the funny part is that if we were being loud, all they had to do was come knock on our door and ask us to please be more quiet. But they stuck to complaining instead of taking a proactive approach, while I took a proactive approach with them. It can be hard to do that but a lot of the time that’s the only way to get things done.
If Brianna comes back to this entry, I hope she reads this because I really think that she could voice a complaint to the other girls in the suite and possibly try to get everyone to agree to some ground rules about the level of noise in the suite. Or if she doesn’t feel comfortable voicing a complaint, which can be hard, maybe she can type up a memo about the problem and a suggestion of how to solve the problem, and then slide a memo under each girl’s room door so that they get it. If that doesn’t work then voicing a complaint is the other solution.
I am highly introverted at a large college, living on a dorm of 70 guys. This is my second year and I’m just now starting to read online how other introverts struggle in college life. It is a great relief just to know there are others just like me. I’ve basically been forcing myself to become an extrovert for the past two years, and although I gained many social skills and learned a lot, it’s been extremely miserable at times. Even now, I’ve been struggling with anxiety, loneliness, and feeling like I SHOULD be like all the other extroverts going crazy around campus. I worry that I’m not living college life as I’m “supposed” to because I don’t have hundreds of friends or big group of close friends. But it has been great to read these things tonight. It has helped to identify some of my problems and some things about me that are not problems. Any tips on how to work towards releasing these feelings?
Jon there are SO many people just like you and me, but many of us think we have to pretend to be extroverts so we won’t look unsociable or “weird.” I think it’s great you got lots of good social practice
so now when you do feel like going to a party or out with a group, you will be comfortable and will be able to meet people you actually enjoy doing things with. I know exactly what you mean about feeling lonely, and often a lot of that feeling is just feeling like you’re missing something – you “should” be having “the time of your life!” etc.
As for releasing the feelings, sometimes writing helps to clarify things for us. Of course you don’t want this to be a paper notebook that someone else could get hold of. Perhaps a Google doc or something like that. I was able to realize that I wasn’t really lonely when everyone I knew was away for the weekend when I clarified it: Instead of true loneliness, it was those “shoulds.” I thought I “should” be going out that weekend and no one “should” be spending Saturday night alone. After I analyzed it like that, I knew I had control of the feeling because I knew the “shoulds” were false. Thanks for your comment – and please come back to Introvert Zone soon. I’ve been trying to figure out more things to help students, and I really intend to have a lot more for you here.
I can relate to the college experience as an introvert. I had a semester where I lived in a private dorm that I mostly recall being an unpleasant experience. Because I’ve lived most of my life in private with just a few true friends in life, when I first moved out on my own and into a very social environment, the anxiety and what later turned into fear kept me in my dorm room almost all of the time. I’d hear a lot of people laughing and yelling down the hall outside of my dorm and it’d give me a small amount of grief every time. Often at night I’d turn my fan on max to help me sleep because I wouldn’t hear all the activity that was going on that made me feel like I wanted to be a part of.
But then I’d think sometimes that if I was actually out with some of the wild ones out there, that I’d probably not actually enjoy the experiences because it wouldn’t of really been what I wanted to do. My college didn’t have any clubs or communities I was interested in so most of my spare time (and a lot of that I had in college most of the time) was spent with the feeling that I should have gone out a lot, when in actuality I really didn’t. The biggest problem for me of course was not being able to easily meet girls when naturally as a college aged gent I really wanted to haha. I’m sure that’s a common problem among introverts. I’m now in my mid 20s and am just now attempting to build a small social life and meet others outside of work on an occasion.
Chris,
Just wanted to let you know I relate to your college experience. Thankfully, I’m only halfway through my 4-year degree and have made great strides as an introvert. I know exactly what you mean by feeling grief every time you hear others down the hall. By God’s grace, I have begun to conquer many of those feelings. I start my first classes as a Junior tomorrow. I’m still in the dorm, but learning how to cope more and more each day. It helps just to know that I don’t want or need to be going as fast and wild as the other extroverts on the hall. I can each day as slow as I need to, and enjoy each moment. Thanks for posting =)
Oooh! The Introvert Zone! *eyes glisten* This is fantastic. I’m a year short of a psychology bachelor’s. I don’t have many close friends and I really don’t have any here at college, aside from my husband. I’m also a mommy to a 3 year old, so even if I was an extrovert, chances are I wouldn’t be much more social than I am. But I’m happy! And I’m happy with who I am. I try not to focus on what people *expect* me to be, but instead I focus on who I am. I’m 25 and I’m not going to change any time soon.
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Good for you Sarah!
It’s great that you’re able to be yourself and not worry about what others *expect* or *should* or any of that other futile stuff. Sounds like you have a very full plate – and a wonderful “plate” at that. 
Oh my goodness, I can’t thank you enough for this article! I just finished my first year of college and am preparing to start my second, and this article describes the exact things that I felt during my first year: the extroverted roommate/neighbors who like to stay up late, feeling lonely but not really knowing why, feeling guilty because I didn’t like partying and staying up until 2 a.m….spot on. I felt like I was kicking my roommate out of our dorm room most nights just so I could sleep
I am getting my own room this next year away, and I plan on working with my college counseling center and getting more involved with campus activities so I can better utilize my strengths. Thanks again!!!
Erin I’m so glad to hear that this article was of use to you. I know it does make us feel so much better to have someone who’s shared the same situations, and yet we introverts often think we’re all alone in things like that. Very glad you’re getting your own room – and finding some good activities too. Please let us know how it’s going, as the school year gets going!
Wow I feel the same way too. I just started my second year at college and have just completed week 1. I’m feeling so depressed these days for reasons I don’t even know. I feel a bit lonely, although for the most part, I normally like being alone, and now, I feel homesick. I’ve met some new friends and all my neighbors are really nice people although sometimes they could be quite loud (not my style). Btw, I have my own small little single room this year. Anyway, I’m trying to adjust and change from being a complete introvert to being a bit more social. Last year, all I did was go out for classes and for food that was it (my grades turned out to be pretty decent). So far this year, I’ve been trying to hang out with my new friends for about an hour each day, but I feel like I do not belong, because most of the time, I have no idea what those people are talking about (they have known each other for a long time already). Also, I am a slow reader/learner, so I normally have to take twice or triple the time it takes for others to get work done and that is why I feel like I need to spend all of my time on school work in order to not fall behind. Any suggestions on what I can do? Thanks
Hey Sandy!
I know just how you feel; sometimes I feel like I don’t belong with my friends, either, even though they do genuinely try to include me and want to hang out with me. Sometimes they just talk about things that I really don’t have any opinion about. I’d say it’s good that you’re hanging out with them for a little bit every day. I suggest trying to organize a small outing away from campus with your friends every few weeks; my friends and I like going out for pie at a local restaurant and driving around town, and we’re planning on getting away from campus even more this year! Also, if you’re not involved with any clubs or groups on campus, I recommend finding a club or two that interests you. It’s a really good way to socialize and to meet other people with similar interests to your own.
One other thing that I’d recommend is not spending so much of your free time in your room. I enjoy doing homework and working on my laptop in the common areas on campus. It makes me feel a little less lonely, even though I may not be talking to anyone. That’s been my experience, anyway. I hope that kind of helps!
I think you’re doing great! Erin’s right – just that little bit every day is a great start, and pretty soon there will be things to talk about that you all know about, as time goes on and events happen. Football games or midterms or other big things should be pretty universal. And always feel free to ask them, “Who’s Joe?” or whatever they’re talking about. That’s pretty natural and extroverts always feel free to stop people and ask to be caught up some.
Thank you Erin and Cb.
Hi everyone,
I’m guessing this is the place for introverts…Anyway, I am 19 and I have no idea what is wrong with me in the inside. It is the start of a new school year, I’ve met a couple of really nice people (neighbors), classes are eh…ok, but overall, I’m just not happy. I am already really lucky to be able to attend college and to be on my own, but at the same time, I don’t know why I am still so upset. Is it stress or is there something wrong with me? I have a decent course load, but it’s not like major overload or anything. Most of my classes end around 2-3pm, so I have quite a lot of spare time. My mom is a single mom who works her butt off everyday in order to support a family of 7. She is never bossy nor does she ever force me to do things. All she asks from me is for me to do my best in school. I already know that studying is the MOST important thing in college and yes I do try my best. However, the phrase “try my best” to me means, to spend every spare hour on studying, probably just a couple of hours for breaks, but aside from that, I feel like if I put my hours into studying, than that would be considered as my best (every hour I spent doing something else is an hour lost to my studying). I’m currently looking for a pharmacy technician part time or on-call job (for experience not money), but I don’t know if I can handle work with school or if anyone is even willing to hire me for a couple of hours 1-3 times a week. After all, I did mention that in order for me to do my best, I must devote every spare hour to studying. Am I overloading myself ? All I know is that I feel like crap. I am trying to find the right balance between schoolwork and social life, but as an introvert, I normally like to keep to myself. All of last year, all I did was go out of my room for classes and for food, otherwise, I shut myself away from the world. I don’t really have any friends at all, because everyone I meet just doesn’t make me feel comfortable ( I do try and meet people, but it very often fails). They often exclude me in small talks, never invite me to dinners, parties, or events and all they do is use me (as a chauffer because I own a car). I hate how all I am to others is a slave, not a friend. Normally, I am very nice to other people and try to befriend them, help them out if I could, but in today’s society, it seems that people could care less for other people. I guess maybe it’s just because I am too old fashion or something. A lot of people say that I am just too sensitive and that I just “want to be the queen” and have everything my way…but this is not true. All I am asking is for others to be considerate and to use common sense…but NO (this is a given respect people should know). People nowadays just piss the hell out of me. I don’t find anything in reality fun or funny anymore and I can only find joy while watching movies or tv shows. I am just so confused with myself. What should I be doing and how do I do it?
Hi Elena
3 years through college and i have seen a bunch of people rise and fall.
Studies go only so far. Have a heart to heart with your mother. Find her expectations. And redefine ‘try your best’.
Studies matter a lot. But the rest of the world matters a lot as well. It won’t matter if one has a 4.0 if one doesn’t know how to cross the road.
You are striving to strike a balance. And know that you have to make an effort.
You have already taken the first and most difficult step in my opinion. Kudos.
I would recommend trying to get out more. Go for a walk every day. Make a genuine effort to look around. You will find something interesting. A sport maybe. A local e-gaming cafe. Art. Tech. Anything. A part time job will do you good.
Find someone who watches the same tv shows/movies as you. Discuss the plot with them. Possible future line of the plot in the tv show.
There will be many people who piss you off in this world. Frankly speaking, it wont be fun with everyone agreeing to exactly what you are saying and thinking. Life would be boring. And among all these people lie the gems that become true friends. Its just a matter of sifting through all the garbage.
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