A lot of introverts are looking for help in dealing with being an introvert in college. Why are introverted students the ones who have to be concerned or sometimes miserable? After all, introversion is a normal personality preference; it’s not a disability or disease. However, since we are the minority and many people do not recognize our traits as just as normal and valid as anyone else’s, we are faced with living in a world dominated by extroverts who have no idea what we’re really about.
So what’s making introverts unhappy in college right now?
Loneliness
If you feel lonely, try to figure out what is causing the bad feeling so you can know what you really need to do:
- Are you actually homesick, missing your familiar friends, family, and places? If so, that will pass as you get a new routine and some new friends, but sure, some new experiences will distract you very nicely.
- Are you really content to spend a lot of time alone but just see everyone else going crazy with social stuff and think it’s “supposed” to be that way? We see movies and read books and hear stories about people’s college experiences that make us think we must have football games, dances, dating, and loads of parties, or else we are missing our college experience – “the best years of your life.” Sure, college years are wonderful ones, but not just for those shallow reasons. It is a time to truly develop into the person you are, to find out what you like and dislike, and of course to get a great education to prepare you to work and live in the world. Relax and explore at your own pace. Of course don’t shut in your room all weekend – you need to be alone to recharge, not to hide.
- Are you really lonely and longing for friends or a boyfriend/girlfriend? Those things will come, but you should be in places where new friends can find you. Try joining some casual activities that don’t require a lot of social “overhead.” Do things where you can actually DO something instead of having to stand there making small talk. If you’re an animal lover, go volunteer at the local shelter. If you’d rather help build a robot, build a Habitat for Humanity, plant trees, or something else, find the group that’s doing that. It’s so much easier to get to know others when you’re doing something instead of just trying to think of something to say.
- Do you have friends but are worried that you don’t have enough friends, or that your friends are various individuals who aren’t all in one big group? Once again, don’t compare yourself to anyone else. If you enjoy your friends, can rely on them, and have great relationships with them, you are luckier than most people! Introverts don’t have huge groups of people they lightly call “friends.” We form deep friendships that can last for many, many years. Enjoy those friends and sure, keep your eyes open for new ones as they appear, all through life.
People Problems
If you are miserable because of what the people around you are doing when you want to be quiet or alone, try to picture yourself confident and not angry (even if you feel angry and not confident) and what you’d say in the situation.
- Hey, I have an 8:00 class, would you please use headphones after midnight?
- Thanks for the invite, but I’m exhausted and need some “me” time. I’ll catch you next time!
- Would you go to your girlfriend’s instead of her coming here tonight? I’m cramming for a test..
And I know that sometimes the situation is a whole lot worse than that. Some extroverts might be partying all night. Heck, some introverts might be partying all night! Or they might have friends or boyfriend/girlfriend in the room constantly. In this case, if the other person is nice at all, try to have a talk with them. A calm, polite talk where you look pleasant and speak pleasantly, with respect for both your own and your roommate’s preferences. Don’t call them names but don’t be self-deprecating and call yourself names either.
If you can’t work it out, seriously try to find someone else to room with and request that through your housing department. By the end of a semester or so, you should really know some quiet people who may be in the same boat as you! Nowadays you have forums, Facebook, all sorts of ways to “advertise” discreetly for someone who fits. And of course remember no one is perfect. There will be slobs, cell phone yappers, neat freaks, all kinds of people, and course they are getting accustomed to you too.
Remember, some colleges have private rooms available, so by all means get on the waiting list for one if you can afford it!
What else?
This post is only a beginning for us talking about the college experience for introverts, so if you’re having a problem or issue in college, or if you found a great way to deal with something, please leave a comment below. I’m hoping readers can help each other with these situations a bit – maybe someone can shed new light on a problem.
Photo credit: peruisay
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I can really agree with this post. I’m lucky enough to have my own room, but unfortunately live in a suite with other girls. Some of the girls are constantly having other kids stop by who can be the loudest people on earth, which makes it even worse because the walls are so thin, so even with the door shut, I might as well be in the same room with them. I just head to the library after classes (it helps me recharge even with other people around) until dinner, then go to the dining hall and stay in my room with the headphones on all night to drown them out.
Hi Brianna, That is so wonderful you not only have your own room but have a great plan to make sure you can recharge each day. It is annoying to have to hear the others through the walls, but at least you have those walls – and your headphones.
Thank you for sharing your situation with us – I’ll bet a lot of students who are reading this have similar stories and routines but may have felt alone in it or not realized that it’s part of being a normal, healthy introvert!
It’s a common myth that introverts cannot succeed and thrive.
But I agree that a college life is one area in which it could potentially be particularly difficult. Lots of 18 year olds, away from home for the first time… the extroverts become MUCH more extoverted and the introverts can often become even more introverted.
Brianna, it seems you have the right attitude in getting to the library and so on. What a shame you have to sit in your room with headphones though.
Would it not be possible for you to ask them about the noise levels? Or are they the type ofpeople you probably wouldn’t really approach about that?
I have a story about a past college experience. My roommate and I were in our room. My roommate was studying and I may have been studying as well. But my roommate was having a hard time tolerating the noise that was coming from the students in the dorm room next to ours. My roommate made a couple of comments about how loud they were, and after a while, I got up the nerve to go next door and ask them if they could please quiet down. I was a little nervous about asking them but it had to be done, other wise my roommate would have just kept on complaining, since she was even less assertive than me, and I am not very assertive, at all. But out of the both of us, I had more of a mouth on me so I ended up asking. They agreed to be more quiet, but once I got back to my room, my roommate and I heard them making comments because I had asked them to tone it down. They made it seem like I had no right to ask them that and they also made comments about how they never asked my roommate and I to be queit if we were being loud. But the funny part is that if we were being loud, all they had to do was come knock on our door and ask us to please be more quiet. But they stuck to complaining instead of taking a proactive approach, while I took a proactive approach with them. It can be hard to do that but a lot of the time that’s the only way to get things done.
If Brianna comes back to this entry, I hope she reads this because I really think that she could voice a complaint to the other girls in the suite and possibly try to get everyone to agree to some ground rules about the level of noise in the suite. Or if she doesn’t feel comfortable voicing a complaint, which can be hard, maybe she can type up a memo about the problem and a suggestion of how to solve the problem, and then slide a memo under each girl’s room door so that they get it. If that doesn’t work then voicing a complaint is the other solution.
I am highly introverted at a large college, living on a dorm of 70 guys. This is my second year and I’m just now starting to read online how other introverts struggle in college life. It is a great relief just to know there are others just like me. I’ve basically been forcing myself to become an extrovert for the past two years, and although I gained many social skills and learned a lot, it’s been extremely miserable at times. Even now, I’ve been struggling with anxiety, loneliness, and feeling like I SHOULD be like all the other extroverts going crazy around campus. I worry that I’m not living college life as I’m “supposed” to because I don’t have hundreds of friends or big group of close friends. But it has been great to read these things tonight. It has helped to identify some of my problems and some things about me that are not problems. Any tips on how to work towards releasing these feelings?
Jon there are SO many people just like you and me, but many of us think we have to pretend to be extroverts so we won’t look unsociable or “weird.” I think it’s great you got lots of good social practice
so now when you do feel like going to a party or out with a group, you will be comfortable and will be able to meet people you actually enjoy doing things with. I know exactly what you mean about feeling lonely, and often a lot of that feeling is just feeling like you’re missing something – you “should” be having “the time of your life!” etc.
As for releasing the feelings, sometimes writing helps to clarify things for us. Of course you don’t want this to be a paper notebook that someone else could get hold of. Perhaps a Google doc or something like that. I was able to realize that I wasn’t really lonely when everyone I knew was away for the weekend when I clarified it: Instead of true loneliness, it was those “shoulds.” I thought I “should” be going out that weekend and no one “should” be spending Saturday night alone. After I analyzed it like that, I knew I had control of the feeling because I knew the “shoulds” were false. Thanks for your comment – and please come back to Introvert Zone soon. I’ve been trying to figure out more things to help students, and I really intend to have a lot more for you here.
I can relate to the college experience as an introvert. I had a semester where I lived in a private dorm that I mostly recall being an unpleasant experience. Because I’ve lived most of my life in private with just a few true friends in life, when I first moved out on my own and into a very social environment, the anxiety and what later turned into fear kept me in my dorm room almost all of the time. I’d hear a lot of people laughing and yelling down the hall outside of my dorm and it’d give me a small amount of grief every time. Often at night I’d turn my fan on max to help me sleep because I wouldn’t hear all the activity that was going on that made me feel like I wanted to be a part of.
But then I’d think sometimes that if I was actually out with some of the wild ones out there, that I’d probably not actually enjoy the experiences because it wouldn’t of really been what I wanted to do. My college didn’t have any clubs or communities I was interested in so most of my spare time (and a lot of that I had in college most of the time) was spent with the feeling that I should have gone out a lot, when in actuality I really didn’t. The biggest problem for me of course was not being able to easily meet girls when naturally as a college aged gent I really wanted to haha. I’m sure that’s a common problem among introverts. I’m now in my mid 20s and am just now attempting to build a small social life and meet others outside of work on an occasion.
Chris,
Just wanted to let you know I relate to your college experience. Thankfully, I’m only halfway through my 4-year degree and have made great strides as an introvert. I know exactly what you mean by feeling grief every time you hear others down the hall. By God’s grace, I have begun to conquer many of those feelings. I start my first classes as a Junior tomorrow. I’m still in the dorm, but learning how to cope more and more each day. It helps just to know that I don’t want or need to be going as fast and wild as the other extroverts on the hall. I can each day as slow as I need to, and enjoy each moment. Thanks for posting =)
Oooh! The Introvert Zone! *eyes glisten* This is fantastic. I’m a year short of a psychology bachelor’s. I don’t have many close friends and I really don’t have any here at college, aside from my husband. I’m also a mommy to a 3 year old, so even if I was an extrovert, chances are I wouldn’t be much more social than I am. But I’m happy! And I’m happy with who I am. I try not to focus on what people *expect* me to be, but instead I focus on who I am. I’m 25 and I’m not going to change any time soon.
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Good for you Sarah!
It’s great that you’re able to be yourself and not worry about what others *expect* or *should* or any of that other futile stuff. Sounds like you have a very full plate – and a wonderful “plate” at that. 