In the past few days, a reader named Bella has left comments on the post about how asking an introvert for an outrageous favor may make us hate someone, or of course a more accurate way of saying it would have been that we’d avoid someone. In Bella’s case, it is her own sister who asked an outrageous favor of her, and Bella would like to know what to do next time, since her sister totally ignored Bella’s straightforward statement that she will not be doing this again. Her comments and my responses are here.
We don’t know what Bella and her sister’s relationship is like otherwise, of course, but it looks to me like her sister is definitely not worried about inconveniencing Bella or even annoying her. So what would be a good way for Bella to get across once and for all that she does not plan to drive 30 miles each way daily whenever her sister takes a trip? I’m going to tell you my reaction as well as that of an ENTJ I asked, then I am asking you to leave comments below. One of us is going to come up with something that feels right to Bella.
My opinion: If this were a coworker or casual acquaintance, I’d indulge my instinct to avoid this person like the H1N1 for a while! I know that’s not the correct approach, but when someone treats me like that, I, an INFJ, really don’t want them around at all. But this is your sister, and I assume you want to keep a good relationship with her. Maybe it’s time for her to look at you in a new light though. If you can stand it until she goes on her next trip, have a nice time with her when you do things together, but then when she springs the cat sitting on you at the last minute, say calmly, “No, I’m afraid I won’t be able to.” That is all. You do not owe her any excuses, reasons, notes from doctors, anything at all. You’d already warned her, so here it is. Don’t be upset or snappish, just say it calmly. There are plenty of cat sitters out there as well as vets with boarding, and once she scrambles to find one once, this won’t happen again.
One ENTJ’s opinion: “I’d leave a big mound of cat food and big bowl of water so the cats would be OK, but I wouldn’t go back over there after once.”
We’ve all been in this position. Sometimes we are too damned nice! But why can’t we be our nice selves without pushy people running right through our boundaries? Maybe it’s time we conflict-hating introverts learn to take care of ourselves in a way that leaves us still speaking to everyone but commanding some common person-to-person respect, too. Readers?
Photo credit: tim eschaton
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Based on what Bella gas written in the comments it’s clear that her sister, sorry for my honesty, is obviously lacking some empathy.
I can only assume you didn’t say no because you are her sister and women tend to follow their maternal instinct in situations like this.
Being an introvert, a vegan and who I generally am, I would probably say no. In the end it’s not my responsibility to pick up after people who can’t take care of their own life.
If I were to say yes, I would be extremely clear that this would be the last time and really be specific on why.
The reason I would choose to be so vocal and strict about this is not just because who I am, but people like your sister tend to float through life doing whatever they see fit as too few people explain what they are doing might be socially wrong.
When I was younger I was too nice now and then, but with age (I’m not that old though) I’ve become more stern and have a stronger will. I don’t care if you’re family, the king or whatever, I will say no regardless. Sure, some might get pissed and hate me the rest of their life, but that shows how (un)important I truly was to them.
You don’t always have to be direct either. I have a lot of close people who are non the wiser about the tactics I use to keep them at bay. I rather keep the peace with some distance, because if some of them are sadly too ignorant to understand that certain things they do to people are and can be very wrong.
Amen! I was a timid child myself, but like you as I got older I stopped caring about other people’s problems because it was a burdens to care for EVERYONE. I’ve learned keep my distance and mind my own buisness. I have no problem being there for people in time of need but I don’t deal with stupidity. I have better things to do thank you very much.
Being that we don’t know the dynamics of there relationship, I can only comment on this with the little bit of info I have. I suspect that this type thing has been going on for a long time maybe not to this extreme.
Just like kids testing there parents to see how far they can push them, we still do this to some extent when we grow up. Of course every body does it in different ways, her sister doing it in a some what of a bully manor. Just like we test our boss and our employees test us to see what they can get away with, her sister has done this with her.
That being said, her sister is acting the way she has been trained to act. Frankly, Bella has let her get away with it in the past so she keeps doing, probably bigger things each time.
I’m not trying to attack her, it’s just a reality. We can’t change the past, but we can change the future.
The only way to solve this is to be straight with her, no fluff, straight to the point. It may not be easy but she will have much more respect for her and there relationship will be stronger because of it.
This is only my opinion based on the limited info I have.
Bella, Good luck with that situation, I hope I was able to help in some way.
Bella
Being a female I know the feeling of obligation we go through, especially when it comes to family members. We have this tendacy not to want to hurt anyone feelings , but Xen and Nick got it right. Sometimes you just have to say “no” and stick to it. I have a sister myself so I know what you are talking about. The next time she asks for another favor literally sit her down look her straight in the eye and say “Look sis, I warned you. If you didn’t get the message the first time, here it is again…no” If she plays the sister card (which she will) say nothing and walk away. She’ll be fuming in her own frustration for awhile but the message will sink in. Its not a crime to care, Bella, but you have to be strong and stick up for yourself. Note: repeat this line “This is _______ problem, not mine.”
Good luck : )
Thanks, everybody, for the input (and the new thread on the topic.)
Actually, my sister has not run over me in the past. What’s changed is that earlier this year I relocated to the city where she lives, moving across country. Ever since I got here, she’s been trying to control me, and make me do things for her. She was the one who encouraged me to move here, and paved the way…now I think I know why. We had lived in different cities for 30 years. We had a giant blowup a few months back, and had just re-established some fragile harmony when she pulled the catsitting stunt. It’s further complicated by the fact that she is bipolar, and is someone said, has little empathy for others. She reacts inappropriately to even mild criticism, so my tendency to go along to keep the peace really comes into play. And she knows, as an animal lover, that I’d never let her cats suffer because I’d like to make HER suffer!
Again, I appreciate your input. Finding this site is like finding a handful of people from my own planet, here in this world of extroverts! (I’m an INFP.)
I too am an INFJ. I have two kitties, and I love them a lot. I hate going away because I know they will be lonely, but I also know they don’t like strangers. I also could NEVER ask someone to come over everyday to take care of my cats. What to do?
I suggest an auto feeder. Mine was $50 and it’s never failed us. And even better… I don’t have to feed the kitties when I am home either. :] We also have an auto litter box and water fountain, but they’re more for the kitties than us. We’ve left them for up to 5 days with no problem!
I know my advice is more for the kitties, but frankly, I like Bella’s sister’s kitties more than I like her sister. She needs a reality check, but it will likely come from a significant other or friends. It doesn’t sound as if Bella really has a voice in their relationship. I don’t know why people think family is there to walk all over rather than lean on. Bella, maybe get your sis an auto feeder for her birthday (just so the kitties don’t suffer). :]
Thanks, AL! I leave my kitties with an autofeeder/autowaterer and an extra litterbox or two when I’m gone, and have someone check them for the bare minimum of visits. But I also cat sit for that person, so it’s an even trade.
Now the whole thing has blown up into a fight, and do I need to say that my sister has done nothing wrong, and that it’s all MY fault? I’ll spare you all the details, it’s too twisted to follow anyway. I am cutting off contact with her, my other sister, who lives out of state, is going to keep tabs on her. Thank you all for your support, it has helped me a lot!
Ahhh the world of sisterly love…. sometimes you just need a break from each other. Whatever happens, I hope things turn out ok in the future.
Thanks, Jennie.
Thanks everyone! It really is great that we have each other. Perhaps we should have a “problem of the week” and help each other to solve it!
That’s a great idea!
Not only introvert, actually all human beings are not obliged to do something for anyone, if they don’t feel comfortable of doing it. A favor sometimes can be complicated and being nice is good, but not until you suffer for it. Bella’s case is understandable, I’m agreeing what others are advising so here you got my vote as well.
Thanks Ching Ya! Yes, sometimes we just have to learn to say, “no” without getting ourselves upset or angry. It’s easy to say, but very difficult for me to do when it’s a persistent person who isn’t sensitive/empathetic to pick up on the gentler ways of declining.
I think part of what makes me and some others so angry is that we would not ask someone for this sort of favor. We nearly kill ourselves making sure we don’t overstep other peoples’ boundaries, then when they don’t seem to have to follow the same high standards we have set for ourselves we are angry. I’m trying to learn to understand that not everyone is sensitive/empathetic, so maybe they don’t hear our first, gentle, “No.”
That’s true. Think none of these would have happened if everyone is being sensitive and thoughtful enough — the world will be so much different, probably a better place today. ^^
remember, introverts, the saying that an empty barrel makes the most noise.
Woah Bella! That’s quite a situation on your hands! I’m sorry about what you have to go through with your sister. My suggestion is as everyone else stated.
Hope your situation gets better,
Miyuki
I’m an INFJ and i do the same thing, i distance myself from people who don’t treat me properly. My sister included.
I hope everything works out for you.
Aimee
Thanks, Aimee. We’re still not on speaking terms, but I’m ok with that. I miss her in some ways but I wouldn’t allow a friend to treat me that way…she doesn’t get a special pass because she’s my sister. Maybe she’ll change someday…until then, I’m going my own way.