It’s not just a matter of sleeping better in my own bed. It’s because I’m an introvert. Even when I was in my 20s, I hated spending the night in someone’s guest room or kid’s room – that uncomfortable feeling of “when should I take my shower” or “is anyone else up yet” or especially just the non-stop close companionship of people I’m not accustomed to that much time with. I remember going and spending the night at the home of some friends of my fiance, when I was about 24. I enjoyed a lot of the time we were out and about, but the actual bedtime arrangements then getting up the next morning were awful. My fiance got annoyed with me because I woke up early then stayed in my room miserably waiting until I was certain that every other person in the house had had their shower and started their day. I just didn’t want all that interaction! I wanted to “appear” in the house clean, dry, and dressed, after everyone else got out of the way! Nowadays, I just avoid that whole situation if I can. I know most of my friends and relatives in other cities would not understand the “I” word, and I really don’t care to open up my personality for discussion anyway. Instead, I often say, “Yes, we’ll have to do that!” then we never do. About once a year I do spend the night at one sweet relative’s house. When I am exhausted from all the fond but unfamiliar interaction, I simply announce that I am about to “go to bed.” Once I “go to bed,” I’ll sit up and spend some delicious time reading a novel, ALONE. That is so refreshing – it feels just like taking off too-tight shoes and walking around in stocking feet. Anyway, once I have my ALONE time I have learned to get up the next morning, put on a robe, and go out to see what’s going on and when I could take my shower. After all, we’re all human and no one is going to be shocked that I need to shower or drink some form of caffeine. When I was in my 20s I was very rigid and self-conscious with outsiders, but I am a much more comfortable introvert now and just try to plan my time in a way that is not exhausting.
As I explained to one friend who had recoiled at the “I” word last weekend – it doesn’t mean I don’t like people. Imagine I run on a battery, which I charge at home. I go around all day and enjoy talking to others and laughing with them, but eventually my battery runs down entirely, and the way I recharge is by going home alone and reading or just doing whatever I want. Without saying a word. I’m sure when she hears the word introvert she still gets the picture of a strange and possibly dangerous loner, but at least she will not be surprised next time I tell her my battery is drained and I need to go home to recharge!
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A lot of flashbacks while reading your stories. I remember in my teenage years and early 20′s, I enjoyed hang out with friends so much and even had a few times spent the night at my gal pals’ house for chit chat etc. It was fun and enjoyable! But when I grew older, or maybe we get a little bit more concern about others that we think slightly more than just own fun alone. I understand the bathing part, ha… I too, once, let everyone took their turns before I went in so I won’t have to worry the next person wait for it. LOL..
I believe we all have that ‘I’ moments. Not that we dislike being in a crowd, but there are moments we just prefer to quiet down and be with our own. I can’t live alone, I’m very sure of that, but I certainly don’t mind being alone occasionally just to get connected with my ownself. =)
In a chaotic world nowadays, maybe we just feel more comfortable and secured with those we trust. ^^
I’ve always felt a tad uncomfortable staying over at someone else’s home, even at my own mother’s home, when I would stay the night there, sometimes, after getting my own apartment. It’s just that feeling of being in someone else’s territory and not knowing how they will react to the things that I do in their home. I feel like I have to get that person’s permission to do certain things, and I just generally don’t like the feeling of being uncomfortable, even if that person has made it clear to “make yourself at home”. I always feel better when I am back in my own home.
I’m with you. I know I miss a lot by avoiding staying with others, but I am just never totally comfortable being a house guest . I’ve tried to look at it as, who is more considerate a house guest than an introvert, so surely there’s nothing I could do that would be annoying?
But seriously, I always just go home when at all possible, even if it means driving until bedtime.
When I was eleven or so, I called home from a friend’s house frantic. I HAD to go home. I just didn’t want to be there anymore. I couldn’t explain my feelings at the time, but I guess I needed some quiet. And while my friend and I had a wonderful childhood friendship, I had simply decided that I wanted to be alone for the rest of the night. No one understood- including my friend. I adore my introverted characteristics now, but I just felt weird as a kid.
I have similar situations when I go on vacations. I can’t shake the strong urge to be home in my comfortable, relaxing environment. I begin thinking about going home as soon as I reach my destination :]
Hi AL! I can definitely identify with all of that. There’s something about the wonderful peace of home that is so special and can’t be replaced. When we need to be alone, we need to be alone. I don’t go on long vacations myself. Since my kids are almost grown, I try to treasure the vacations we have out of town, but I have no desire at all to go on trips with friends, and I know they can’t understand why. Thanks so much for your comment, and please come back to Introvert Zone soon!
I just had a friends stay with me while he was between houses and I was trying to explain to him why I found it so stressful. He is wonderful company, but I COULD NOT RELAX, I’d wake up in the morning and worry about him hearing my feet hit the floor, worry about him hearing me turn on the shower, etc., etc., etc.
Why don’t other people feel this way, or, more specifically, what do they feel. Do they even think about it?
Word to the wise, however, I’ve lived alone for so long that twice I’ve been lulled into the idea that I actually could function with a roomie. How quickly that fantasy shattered when i had to face the reality and there was no way out (i.e., stuck on a cruise ship for 5 days.)
Oh that is exactly what it’s like for me when someone stays with me! I try to get up very quietly in the morning so I can be alone for a while – the longer the better.
And likewise at the end of the day I want everyone to go to bed so I can really be alone in my room and read email or read a book. I’d rather live in a smaller space than have a roomie.
I have this routine where my nights and mornings are dedicated to me. In the morning I love to waking up to a quiet house with just me and my thoughts. There is no talking involved. I meditate and being my crazy day. By the end of the day, I just want to kick back and relax. However, I can’t find that peace at another persons house if I sleepover b/c 1) I had a horrible night of tossing and turning , 2) people who are up are bothering me with their voice (yes I am the grinch) and 3) its not my house.
I need to be in my zone in order to unwind and being in a stressful enviornment is not going to help me do that. I luv my friends but a sleepover is never going to happen unless I’m really tired.
Amen Jennie! My family lives 150 miles away, so I have been just making day trips for holidays and other occasions for years. I know it would be nice in so many ways if I would stay overnight, but I just really love my own night/morning routine too.
Talking to all of you makes me feel a lot better! We are normal human beings, and this is just a subject no one ever talks about around the water cooler.
I agree with you a hundred percent.
I hesitate to sleep in a different and unfamiliar place if I have to be with unfamiliar faces and those are consisting majorly of extroverts. It also sucks, because when they start having their “fun” in front of you (’cause you share a room with ‘em), they will all look at you and tease you “loner” “emo” (Ew). Anyways, yeah, or they’ll ask you if you’re sick or okay or something. I’d simply say, “yeah I am.” and probably give a warm smile but then fume inside my head ’cause they always have to ask the “are you OK” question with a sorry face or something. I wish people would just mind their own business. But in this world, since it’s a freakin’ free country, they tend to butt the effing in.
.-= Pauline´s last blog ..Can’t get enough of the Hollies =-.
I used to not mind staying at friend’s houses as a child or teenager. In fact, I really enjoyed it. Now that I’m in my twenties, I hate it! A lot of my friends live 2 or 3 hours away and I keep putting off visiting them because I don’t want to spend the night. After spending a long, busy, energy-expending day together catching up, the last thing I want is to sleep on someone’s futon and get no introvert time. It actually feels just like homesickness. It’s not that I’m homesick for anybody or for home, I just want to be alone! When I was younger I had a friend that got “homesick” in her own house at her own sleepovers. Looking back on it, I bet she was just an introvert.
That’s my situation exactly. If I were the type to enjoy spending the night with others, I’d probably have been able to maintain closer relationships with a lot of my family and friends after moving from my hometown many years ago. It’s also less than 3 hours away. As it is, I make little day trips so we talk for three hours, I get exhausted from all the eye contact, then I drive back home.
I’ve spent so many years simply telling people “I’m just weird” as to why I don’t want to spend the night. When going out of town, it’s always my preference and, if I’m able, I will get a hotel instead of having to deal with my own issues about needing space, my stuff, others’ cleanliness, my alone/quiet time, morning chit-chat, etc. The one exception is my dad’s house. I am comfortable there — probably because it is three levels, with parents on top level and me on the bottom — with a bathroom.
I’m also the same way when I have company from out of town at my place. An occasional overnight is fine, but there is still the discomfort of not being alone to “do my own thing” — even if it’s nothing! Even with my long-term boyfriend….if I had my druthers, I’d wake up by myself 360 days per year — or more.
I wonder if it has anything to do with a resistance to feeling obligated to “show up” (mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically) for another person. Hmmmnnn….
I don’t like spending the night at someone else’s house, either. My cousin offered to let me and my family stay at her house while we were on vacation, but we politely declined her generous offer. We would feel more comfortable staying in a hotel because we love our privacy too much.
House guests are the bane of my existence. If they want privacy and a door that closes, these people need to stay in a hotel. My high school principal once asked me to host a foreign exchange student. He looked so shocked that this timid little introvert had the nerve to say “no” to him. I admire people who graciously host guests in their home. I would never do that.
Staying over at others places or going on group trips is fun, but tourture at the same time. The only places I’ve ever been able to stay comfortably are my parents, and a couple close relatives places (those close relatives also being introverts helped I think). I grew up on a farm, plenty of open space and places to be alone when needed, feels so nice to go back after moving to the city. I went camping with friends twice, both times one of them got angry and labeled me antisocial and rude because I went for a couple walks alone. It’s not that I don’t love them, I just need to think! Reasuring to know I’m not alone in this. Also, when I can’t avoid staying at a friends, I find waking up early(ridiculously early in my case, I’m used to getting up at four every day for work) and just sitting in an unocupied room with a book and my ipod helps a little.
I feel ya. I actually hate having strangers or relative strangers spend the night at my house. It just feels weird for many of the reasons you outlined. My husband wanted to invite a colleague from another country to come and stay with us for a week. I don’t know her at all, he barely knows her, and I was extremely uncomfortable about it. He tried to make me sound as if I were rigid and weird about it.
He kept saying, “I’m not like that!” I don’t think I’m wrong for not wanting to run some type of flop house. He also regularly invites his friends to stay over if they’ve had too much to drink. It hasn’t happened thus far and I hope it never does. I just don’t feel like I can relax and be myself in the company of relative strangers, no matter how nice they are.
That’s another weird extrovert thing. “You should be comfortable around so-n-so you don’t know from Adam because they’re sooooo nice.” Who cares? They are strangers, bottom line. I need time to get to know someone before I feel comfortable with them. That seems to be a very hard concept for extroverts to grasp because they feel instant rapport with almost anyone.
Hi! I am currently 15 and found out about 6-8 months ago I’m an introvert. I’ve NEVER liked staying at someone’s house that I wasn’t totally comfortable with. There was only one house that I enjoyed staying at until recently. But I recently stayed overnight at my auntie and uncles house and it was fun! Except for the awkward part: is everyone up? Can I get up? Etc,etc. This article really helped me to understand that I’m not the only person who really loves the comfort of being alone and in your own house.
thanks so much!!!
This site is such a blessing. I feel like I’m an absolute weirdo, especially since I come from a collectivist culture where there’s even a saying about house guests being like visiting gods. I personally loathe being a house guest or having them over. I literally have a nervous breakdown if it’s more than 3 days. And sharing a bathroom? The horror, the traumatic horror of it? I find it impossible to even, er, answer when nature calls. I’m OK with long evenings, even, but something about other people breathing under the same roof and the prospect of meeting them first thing at breakfast just makes me want to slash my own throat.
I pulled up this site because I was wondering if anyone felt the same as me. I didn’t have a problem spending the night out as a child. I had some great friends and I always wanted share whatever time I had with them. But, as an adult, I hate staying the night at someone’s house. I have similar thoughts like am if I the only one awake or can I get in the shower now….stuff like that. I am never comfortable staying at anyone’s house. I don’t have a germ phobia but I am very cautious about sharing bathrooms, about sleeping in the open or just being among people that I am truly not associated with. This is even true for unfamiliar family members. I realize that I miss a lot at times but if at all possible, I’d rather stay at a hotel. I just don’t like sleeping at someone’s house. I don’t like being alone especially around the holidays but I’d rather if it means sleeping out. I’m ok with others staying at my house as a matter of fact I’d rather someone stay at my house than to stay with them. Ba-hum-bug. I am totally an introvert.
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