How to tell if an introvert is avoiding you


I was dating an introvert man, he is really hard to read bc im an extrovert. He mostly reply to me and sends winkie faces as well.He and I had a fight around xmas time and took us 4 months to speak again, We saw each other once since then, He will flirt via text and phone, I do have to do all the first contact with him. Lately I have sent 3 text over 2 days and he has not replied to me. Is he mad or is this introvert personality. Last time we spoke all is well. Its like me will mostly respond to me and then does not. Can he be falling for me and backing away or does he hate me and is saying we are friends to get rid of me.?

Photo credit: justin



  1. Its almost impossible to answer that question but I would say probably. I avoid contact with people where possible and never answer my phone but I do always reply to texts as they are my preferred method of contact and if I dont answer someones text, even if its someone i dont want to communicate with, there is a danger that they will start phoning me or worst come and visit!
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    • Ha. I am more on the extreme side of the introvert zone and yeah.. if you “threaten” to stop by I will respond pretty quickly to avoid that, even phone calls get me to respond to an email or text to make them stop. As far as the post, try not to send too many messages. I can’t stand it when I’m taking a day or more to myself and I get hit with a hundred messages, as soon as more start to come in the more I try to avoid that person.

      • I am like that too. We hate being bombarded with messages, telephone calls and even people who want to hang all the time.

  2. People tend to overuse their introvertedness as a way to compensate for other bad personality traits. I’d say this has nothing to do with introvertness and more to do with his not being a very nice person.
    Andrew@Prozac´s last post ..Prozac

    • I totally agree with this statement. You just helped me with a situation that has been boggling my mind. I believe past hurts, guilt and shame has allowed this person to be stuck on self and consumed in his thoughts. It’s allllll about him. He can make a good day turn bad just by the assumptions in his mind……. I believe I use to live my life this way for years. So I sort of understand where he’s coming from however I’m not that person anymore and being with someone who is moody and self centered, I’ve learned, that it’s very draining.

    • I agree! Bad behavior should not be cloaked under any labels. Introversion is about processing your energy, not how you act! Extroverts process their energy better with and among others. Introverts REQUIRE time alone to process theirs. Don’t over complicate the issue!

  3. Hard to say. What did you say in those messages? Were they facebook/tweet type messages that required no response from him? — I am more of a reactive type friend to where I will answer most questions or requests to play games together — but if someone is just posting their news at me, I feel I do not have to respond. I don’t make effort most of the time to open communication with people if I don’t have to unless it is something I feel is very important.

  4. I think Andrew is right. The introversion angle is just an excuse. If he was interested in you he would respond to your emails, texts and take action by arranging some dates with you. It appears to me that you seem to be more of a back up for him when he is lonely. Time to put him in the ‘friend only’ basket.

  5. I am more of a reactive type friend to where I will answer most questions or requests to play games together — but if someone is just posting their news at me, I feel I do not have to respond. Thanks for sharing.
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  6. I think he is just an introvert why he keep on avoiding you. There are people like that and we can’t blame who really they are. So, you better get away from him first, maybe hes still mad at you.
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  7. I absolutely know the feeling, my husband has been an introvert since I got to know him at the university. We have been married for about 10 years now, but sometimes he is still avoiding the personal contact with me. Fortunately, I already can handle these situation. An introvert mustn’t be forces for the eyecontact or any kind of personal communication is he/she doesn’t want to.
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  8. Introverts get their energy from sudltoie and contemplation rather than from other people. It’s just another way to be. It’s actually much more common in most countries, and in places like Japan and Britain, it’s actually the norm. Americans tend to be atypically extroverted when compared to the rest of the world.

  9. update- update. Hey I`m the girl who wrote this…well to sum things up. He is more then an Introvert. He is almost 33 yrs old and he never told me was married before in 2009 got an divorce. I found this info from others. He is afraid of his feelings and emotions for falling in love and it not working out. He is a serial dater to get satifaction and when feeling come he runs. He is also a Muslim man and a Virgo as well. This plays in to his actions. He tried or I tried to make it work and I had my heart literally break into pieces.. I can still call him and maybe hang with him every few weeks, however why should I try if he dont. I`m healing now and aulong with lots of finding out what went wrong was a combination of lots of things that made the dating go down the drain was, he was also EMOTIONALLY unavaible bc of his divorce. There were to many promblems and I was the only one trying to fix it. Yes Yes I did flip on him, curse him and sent horrible emails. I was also being avoding when asking for answers. However its over and its really his loss, maybe he is somewhat introverted along with other issues. Thanks for all the advice. He really is a nice man and maybe after some weeks or months past and I get over him 100% then we can be friends only. I`ll keep everyone updated.

  10. hi i went through the same stages that you went through, it feels horrible and imagine , this is after 3 and a half years that he was acting like this. it took him many months to respond back and when he did, he got angry and locked off because i had nagged at him. i am just now starting to understand introverts, which he recently found out a six months ago.

  11. jennifer Mirch on

    Kaimy, Yes its hard and emotionally draining esp when looking for love. I was always confident person and nagging like I never done before. I had no idea he was an introvert till I started to do research and paying attention to his behavior. Along with the introvert research i discovered he was sneaky and very quiet and lied or never even told me he was married and divorce. He also still kept his dating profile when i deleted mine. We were not official but still he would never say he was dating other people. The 10 months I went through was really a learning experience and it hurt bad, I feel much better now that its over and my heart no longer feels pain. I do still think abt
    him even a few times a day but its good that its done and I pray that he changes or else he will not ever find real love, I`m not innocent either, I yelled, screamed, sent horrible texts and emails to him, however his actions set me over the edge bc if his introverted personality and other issues drove me crazy… Introverts please communicate esp if dating and extrovert. The fact that introvert men are so shy and have horrible communication issues it will make the most cocky person feel insecure like i did. I felt worthless and it showed in my actions. I do feel better and have lost weight, toned my muscles back in shape in only a few weeks and feel like a million dollars. I think Introverts do not belong with extroverts, however only my thoughts. Good luck to ya.!

    • To Jennifer Mirch

      wow, i really understand you and him because being married to being divorced is difficult but then again he should have made it clear to you.
      This guy that i still genuinely love, is sneaky now and and he even confessed he is looking for someone, i found out he was hiding women before and keeping secrets before we broke up. i thought he was my one and only guy but it turns out, we weren’t meant to be. He disrespects me soo much and makes me feel like i’m the doormat(i’m confident enough).He even forgot that i’ve known him four years, although a few months ago, he found out he is an introvert. He would of had a complete life if he carried on with me. i’m still trying to communicate with him but something in my heart tells me that he don’t CARE or want me anymore. i’m starting to be stronger about my relationship. When you lose someone you sincerely love for who they are and accepted them, it really hurts soo much.this guy has less to offer me than other guys, what i asked from him is to love and company me. Other guys want to be with me that offer me more but i don’t know what i want anymore apart from achieving my goals and getting on with life. i think some introverts use this as an excuse. i sent him a message asking him if he prefers to email but i don’t know if he will respond. I don’t want him touching or being someone else cos he is MINE!! In response to your comment on whther introverts and introverts are not meant to be together, i disagree because we are all human beings, no matter what differences we have. there are millions of guys and girls but i don’t care if there are that amount. Extroverts have to work soo much to communicate with introverts, your right. My question is why does he expect to be happy with someone else, when i tolerated everything from him, especially bad things. i had unconditional and conditional love for him. He can’t even be happy with his own self, he feels lonely. So why can’t people in general be happy and learn to love themselves first and achieve their main goals at least for back up first, then relationship comes. Thats what i learnt. He didn’t me anything or give me money but i lost cos i gave him a lot more from food to money and even lied for him. Thats not fair, your Jennifer whether Introvert or not. People shouldn’t behave like this. I’m not innocent either, i shouted, cursed him, hang the phone, went to his house to talk to him but i got nothing out of it. I’m happy you don’t suffer as much any more, but i was with him for 3 years and have known him for 4 years. i gave it my all. :(.

      • sorry Jennifer, if it its too long and some sentences may not make sense as i wrote fast thinking with my heart. have you got facebook.

  12. Jennifer and kaimy,

    Sorry, this is going to sound absolutely blunt and awful, so I’d like to apologize in advance.

    It sounds like the men you’re both dealing with are emotionally immature, unhealthy jerks. Sneaking and lying aren’t aspects of introversion. They’re moral character flaws and huge red flags that say, “DON’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME!” These men’s “introversion” seems to be an excuse rather than a genuine personality orientation.

    Anyway, I hope you can both clear yourselves of their toxic impacts on your lives and hearts. There are a lot of healthy fish in the sea, both introverted *and* extroverted. Unfortunately, you have to catch a lot of jerkfish before you can find them.

    • Hi lizzy, i must admit that i was part of distancing him and i may have accused him wrongly before, now that i understand him, we could have worked things out and taking things slowly. he has complications going on right now and he doesn’t quite know how to deal with it. i’ve always understood him. i’ve sent the last message, more like an essay and hopefully he gets back.. I would really love to have a chat about his interests and goals in life etc face to face, maybe i could help. It would be great 🙂 but i trust in god and miracles, somehow he’ll get back to me. i need to be patient.

      Thanks Lizzy, take care.

      • I know it hurts to let go, but *he* already has. He’s looking for another woman. He told you himself. He just wants to have you around for whatever his reasons are until he finds someone else, and he’s stringing you along with whatever you need to hear so you’ll keep satisfying his needs. It’s manipulation, pure and simple, and you’re buying into it because he’s giving you just enough emotional cues to make you “understand.”

        I hate to use religious language, since I’m not oriented that way, but maybe God has spoken to you already in getting the man to confess that he really doesn’t want you. If he did, he’d be with you and he’d be faithful to you. Patience solves nothing when he’s admitting to cheating, and maybe you should heed the messages you’ve already received. Maybe the miracle is around the corner, another man who will treat you with love, but you can’t receive it properly since this man is blocking your path.

        Maybe the miracle isn’t another man, but a greater sense of self-worth, and finding what you really want out of life. Either way, you’re allowing yourself to remain victim to his manipulation, and you’re keeping yourself in a holding pattern of pain. I don’t think any merciful God would want you to suffer that way.

  13. Hi Kaimy. I am sorry for your situation but I feel you are making excuses for him. In any relationship you have to judge somebody by their actions and not what they say. I know it’s hard, especially if you love him very much and that you feel you are perfect for him.

    If this man really loved you, then he would not be with any other women. His main concern would be to take care of you and to make you feel secure. It’s in a man’s instincts to want to protect a woman he is in love with. His actions with other women indicate he doesn’t love or care for you. He is playing the field and will settle down when he has found the right woman for him.

    Unfortunately women are scared to stand up for their selves in relationships fearing that they are nagging and that their man will leave, but in reality establishing some rules and showing that you need to be respected shows high self esteem and gives you some control in the relationship. A bad man will disrespect you and eventually leave whether you lay down ground rules or not. A good man will respect those rules as he will not want to jeopardize the relationship.

    Summing up this man thinks you are not right for him. I’m sorry, but I’m giving it to you straight. However letting him go gives you the opportunity to go out and meet the man who wants to be with you, who loves and respects you.

    I sincerely wish you well.

  14. Kamiy, Yes girl I know its very hard, trst me.
    The man I dated Izy was very distant unlike any man i have ever dated before. I have dated men who have showered me with attention, which he did for like 2 months then it was over. I mostly had to text first and always ask to see him first, He may have asked or surprised me twice the whole time. This is why I did research to see if he was an introvert, which he is. He is shy and not not really outgoing. I think so?? one of his friends told me it takes his forever to return a message and they have been friends since childhood. So this is why I came on strong to him, which backfired on me BC my emotions went insane, however with him being emotionally not there. Anyways it would of never worked out in the long run. I really feel bad for him bc I`m not an ulgy women by any means and I have tons to offer, he or any man like this is losing out on great girls. He really only saw my crazy side bc he never tried to get close with me to see my amazing side, which he would of fell madly in love with. However his loss… I do still think abt him matter fact a few times a day. I have learned he was not relationship material and I do feel so much better. I`m not stressed, my heart is no longer broken and going on dates where the man actually ask me out is an amazing feeling.

    • I’m not really sure if being an introvert is the main issue, I have noticed that when you take someone that is already quirky and isolated and throw in some larger issues you can end up with quite a train wreck. I think you said he is a Muslim? That was hard a few years ago… It seems like you are trying to find the cause of what made him that way, maybe to get closure or something, I hate assuming peoples thoughts but don’t take being an introvert as the only cause. From my experiences of having sort of acted the way he is acting, I can only say that as introverts, a lot of us have become quite good (or so we think) at hiding hurtful issues. It isn’t really that easy to take private issues to people and filing them away in the “forget this” drawer tends to appear as the easier route. And as we know, surpressing emotions, especially something really bad (bullying, abuse, etc) causes huge problems and the person just sort of starts taking everything and trying to suppress it. Hopefully you can see my point. Not all introverts are like this, but I think we can lean that way and can fall into a suppressing trap a lot easier than ver social people. As far as how to fix it….. eh… that’s a hard one… undoubtedly it will require a psych. Hopefully that kind of helps, and just my observation.

  15. I think a lot of women get into trouble because they believe that if they have all the positive attributes; being attractive, right weight, nice personality, successful etc, than this will be enough for a man to want to be with them.

    However you can be the most perfect woman in the world and this still might not be what a particular man wants. We cannot make a man have feelings for us. He likes who he likes.

  16. I don’t know what to say about this situation because I don’t know all the details but I thinks he’s avoiding you because 1) he doesn’t know how to deal with the issue or 2) he’s being a man (I don’t get them most of the time). Introversion is not all too blame. Its an excuse.

  17. the best way is to talk in person and talk frankly. If you are an extrovert you shouldn’t have much problem doing this. Don’t expect introvert to take initiative. If the person is interested in you he will definitely like to talk and sort out the differences.
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  18. UPDATE, on his birthday sep 2nd, I started contact to wish him happy bday. We slowly talking again via text. He replied to most messages, on Oct 14th he started contact with me and asked me for Starbucks, I could not go bc of work so the next week we went. It was great he showed all the signs of an interested guy, the following weekend he called me to talk for a few and asked what I was doing that night I said nothing, then later I did say I was going out. He know there is only one club I go to, around 12 am he says we’re are u, I to,d him he was like me too. We were together all night very flirty and touching all night. At the end of the night while leaving and friends were with us, I was flirty back and went in for an kiss. He stopped me and seemd uneasy. So a whole week goes by and I had texted him funny little pics and no replays. So I told hi how hurt I was, he says we are just friends and he has no feelings for me. The next day we were laughing again. Now I texted him last night to say hey what are ya doing with no response. I will say this that I’m friends with one of his friends who known him for 10 yrs, he says he often does not even answere his calls sometimes. So I can’t tell if he likes me and is hiding feelings, bipolar, or very introverted. What do I do. Just let him be bc with this attitude introverted or not no girl will deal with this. He is to slow or scared of something, really sucks bc I love him.

  19. I still stand by my previous comments. He doesn’t like you. He told you that he just wants to be friends and he doesn’t have any feelings for you. How much more evidence do you need that he doesn’t want to be with you? I’m sorry to be blunt, but you seem to be hanging on to some thing that isn’t there.

  20. Sonya, yes your right to some degree, but it’s hard to write everything. Yes he does have feelings for me his best friends tell me this. I think he runs from things , however we would never work bc of his introverted is not cool. We are too different. Some of what u say is right and some is not he is damaged from his past and can’t heal unless he gets help. I’ll always care but never date him again. In general introverted need to realize that their actions by avoding calls or texts is very very hurtfull and I know see why many introvert men never marry . Introvert men sabatoge their selfs.

    • Yeah this is definitely not a sign of introversion… this is just a guy being a jerk (trust me I just had to break it off with a guy who wouldn’t stay in contact with me, even after I told him I wanted to hear from him more). If a guy likes you, he will do anything to be with you no matter what. That is all I have to say.

      Best of luck to you!

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  25. Hi There,

    Right now am undergoing same situation.
    I usually don’t speak much with girls, but girls used to and i prefer to be little bit stay away from them. I personally avoid to talk with girls who flirt.

    There is one girl in my office. We started chat on office communicator first (around one and half yr before) then it turned to phone text messages. After few days i got to know that she is some kind of shy, reserved and introvert girl- and realized that she is the one i should genuinely follow. I think she shares most of the thoughts with me with her inner mind.
    But after that somehow it turned to fight and all. That was over text only. She told me that i judge a lot her. But i was not actually. We did not talked with each other for around 6 months. Don’t know what went wrong. I was feeling very sad at that time.
    But again we started talking on my birthday and everything was fine. But suddenly one day she did not replied my text for 3-4 days. and on next day she came up with reason that there was no sufficient balance on her mobile. Then i felt very bad and i stopped talking with her. I felt like disappointed.
    Frankly speaking… i genuinely like her but did not let her know yet. Even i cant read her mind what she thinks about me.
    Dont know what to do and how to start conversation back. Its her birthday on 14 Feb. and want to start conversation again before that.
    I am libra and she is aqua.

  26. Deirdre Ware on

    I’ve been seeing this guy who is introverted for about 3 months. It’s been physical from the very start however, we click and he has expressed that it feels like he’s know me all his life. The communication between us has been working, he has called on occasions and will respond to my text in a timely manner. I think I might have scared him because I expressed feeling for him just letting him know I enjoyed being with him even though he was not looking for a relationship, now he has not reached out for a couple of weeks always me texting first . He will respond to my text by very short answers, one or two words…Should I just stop communication because I don’t want to come off as annoying.

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