This is a guest post from my friend and fellow introvert Nick at stretchd.com – The Art of Challenge. He writes about using challenge as a personal development tool.
This is part one of a two part series about dealing with the introvert or extrovert in your life.
For the extrovert…
You love going out all the time. You love talking about the latest reality television show. You love to gossip about the popular girl down the hall, you know who I’m talking about, the one with all guys drooling over her.
You just gotta know everyone’s business.
Before you start calling me a bastard behind my back…
I know this is just a generalization and my intention is not to attack you. For the sake of this post I think it’s important to illustrate the contrast of the introvert compared to an extrovert.
That said, how do you deal with the person who does not respond to all of your good-time, free-flowing, high-level energy? Or doesn’t want to get into the National Enquirer type conversations…
How does an extrovert deal with an introvert?
The first things first, recognize that their personalty traits are not abnormal. Just like your outgoing nature isn’t unnatural to you.
If you think you are going to pull them out of their shell and fix them, you are wrong.
They don’t need to be fixed. Would you try to fix a car that was working perfectly fine? I guess you would if you were a crooked auto repair shop.
Don’t be that.
There is nothing more disrespectful than a blatant attempt to change someones personality. By even attempting this, you will just alienate a potential friend. You should know that the introvert probably thinks of you as shallow and not terribly intelligent.
The introvert sees your extrovert personality as a mask, a phoniness, and because of the amount of your extraneous chitter-chatter, probably doesn’t trust you.
If you talk smack about every one else why wouldn’t you do the same about them?
In order to deal with the introvert, you will need to prove them wrong. By lowering your energy level, showing a genuine interest in the introvert (not the obvious fake stuff), and making it very clear that you are not attempting to change them, a level of trust may begin to form.
You must also keep in mind that the introvert simply does not need you. They don’t need your attention, your flattery, or your social connections. They are quite happy in their introverted world. Remember, they don’t get energized by being the life of the party like you do.
As an extrovert, that may seem hard to understand, but it is true. In fact, you may need them more than they need you…imagine that.
Dealing with an introvert takes patience, kindness, and an understanding that people are different. In the words of D.H. Lawrence, “One man isn’t any better than another, not because they are equal, but because they are intrinsically other, that there is no term of comparison.”
What is something that you wish the extroverts in your life knew about introverts?
Forward this post to any extroverts that you think need a little education.
Stay tuned for part 2
-How to deal with an introvert
Photo credit: Ed Yourdon
Additional reading:
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m introverted, and have enjoyed the posts on this website. They’ve made me think about my behaviour a bit more as well as the behaviour of others.
While I like the intent of this post, I feel that it is rather aggressive and makes a lot of assumptions about what an extroverted person really thinks. It also prescribes behaviour, e.g., the extrovert must do this. The idea of forwarding it to someone “you think need[s] a little education”: only if there was an extrovert I wanted out of my life.
If someone asked for some feedback/advice on introversion, then I would be looking for something that explains how introverted people behave, why that is, and what they prefer, e.g., “By lowering your energy level” -> “Introverted people engage best with people at a lower energy level”. Explaining what one would like assertively and without judgement on the other person will go a long way to finding common ground and moving on from an “us and them” mentality.
Keep up the good work — I look forward to future posts!
Hi Nicole, thanks for the feedback. I agree with you about the aggressive nature of this post. I actually did that intentionally to help illustrate the contrast of the personalities.
With all the possible variations of introvert/extrovert personalities and also trying to keep this from going on and on, making assumptions becomes a necessary evil.
Thanks again for the comments, it’s always refreshing to get a different perspective on how my writing is being perceived by others.
understanding the person is important…will be waiting to read the next part of it to better understand this group…
Extroverts are more popular compared with introverts and it is better to accept the behaviors of each individual as they are rather than try and change unless it is really needed.
I agree, understanding and acceptance is the best way to go. Besides, you can’t change anyone anyways, they can only change themselves.
my little brother is one of them and its quite difficult to communicate with. hope my communication with he can get better
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Love this post, and I didn’t find it agressive at all. I found it spot on, generally, especially… “You must also keep in mind that the introvert simply does not need you. They don’t need your attention, your flattery, or your social connections. They are quite happy in their introverted world. Remember, they don’t get energized by being the life of the party like you do” Can’t wait to read part 2.
Thanks for the feedback, different people will perceive it from their own perceptive. That’s just human nature regardless if they are an introvert or an extrovert.
I’m working on part two but this time I won;t be too quick to hit the publish button.
Nick Laborde´s last blog ..The Introvert Challenge
We should understand that people have different personalities and we should consider the fact that you will never be them and the same with them they can never be you. If they are introvert then let them be who they are, not trying to change them and just accepting them for who they are will make a big difference in their own lives.
That is very true, the more I understand myself the better off I am. That understanding and acceptance has mad a massive difference in my life.
Nick Laborde´s last blog ..The Introvert Challenge
Nick,
I too found it too aggressive. I know you did it on purpose but to what end? Hitting someone over the head will get their attention, but not in a way that you can do anything with.
I really liked the quote. I’d never heard it before.
After reading it again, it did come off more aggressive than I intended. I do agree that hitting someone over the head will get there attention but that attention will be short lived. Not only that, but they will be less receptive to what you have to say.
I also believe that sometimes you have to go straight to the point to get idea across. Sometimes (Like this post) that directness can be perceived as negative. After the feedback I received and reading it from a different perspective I can see why.
I greatly appreciate the feedback and will certainly be more conscious of what I am writing. It’s this feedback that makes us better writers because it is easy to get caught up in our own worlds. I believe us introverts can certainly relate to that.
Nick Laborde´s last blog ..The Introvert Challenge
Iam not wishing anything about the extroverts in my life to knew about introverts. Many of those see Introverts as a problem. They use to say, one should not be like this… Have to socialize with all people.
I don’t interfere in other’s business and i don’t like anyone interfering in mine. I don’t have any problems with any of those because iam a strong Introvert. I appear as silent, but if anyone makes fun of me directly….I will talk..I will shut their mouth. I never had any problem like that. I always do what i want.
Some of the sentences in this post which are true and i liked are :
Before you start calling me a bastard behind my back……. ( Some Extroverts do this..talking behind our back )
If you think you are going to pull them out of their shell and fix them, you are wrong. ( Many Extroverts do this..They think Introverts should become social. They think all human beings should be social )
They don’t need to be fixed. Would you try to fix a car that was working perfectly fine? I guess you would if you were a crooked auto repair shop. ( Well said )
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I feel there are probably only a couple of places/phrases that sound a bit aggressive, but the rest of the post is spot on. You conveyed what you needed to, very well.
I like, and cannot agree more with this statement “There is nothing more disrespectful than a blatant attempt to change someones personality.” That is true for everyone, introvert and extrovert – all it asks for is understanding the next person.
I think agree with your assessment that an extrovert may need an introvert more than the other way round, but what an extrovert would like even better (than an introvert) is another extrovert, perhaps? Just thinking out loud.
Good writing, Thanks for your thoughts.
I admit that I am quite introvert.It is interesting to read about how does an extrovert deal with an introvert..I must say that I like your thinking.I believe that to be more extrovert may reflect yourself in wrong way.People can get this in wrong way.
This is a good post, if for no other reason than to give people a perspective. Obviously you cannot fit introverts into a ‘one size fits all’ category. The same goes for extroverts. The degree of each of these behavioral traits in everyone is different.
The depth of the personal relationship with an individual should dictate how you deal with them. If you are close you understand that you do not try to change each other. You embrace the differences and give each other balance.
On the other hand if you are not close you should still respect the differences in each other. Neither trait is either right or wrong. People are either judgmental of others or they aren’t.
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Being an introvert is not abnormal by any degree, it’s a completely natural way of being. Why do some people assume that introverts are not happy? That’s not the case at all. I am an introvert and I love being in my space. Thanks for this article, it’s really good.
I think i am 50% introvert but it depends of who are the people around me because i could be very extrovert with a friend. People should never try to change the personality of the other but accept it as it is, the differents personalities in this world make every ones unique.
I just loved this post and didn’t find it aggressive at all.
Great tips. Some people just need their space and others just need a nice push to come out of their shell.
Some of us may not want a push, but we may like to see an extended hand ready to support us while we come out and look around a little!
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