Girlfriend of introvert still hasn’t met his friends after 1 1/2 years of dating!

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This was submitted by someone who has been dating an introvert for 1 1/2 years and still hasn’t met his friends! He has friends and does things with them, so what is the problem? Do you think she’s not important to him? Or is he trying to keep his circles separate, so he doesn’t have his “worlds collide?”

I have been with my introvert boyfriend for 1 1/2 years. He only has a few friends but i have never met any of them. He doesnt typically make like like me the extrovert. I repsect and understand his introvert personality. I have given so much space, I have tried to suggest opportunities to plan a quiet dinner or a simple outing. None of it has worked. Now i feel like i am not that important. I feel like he is ashamed of me. We are so aware of our differences and we talk about them, But yet, nothing seems to change. He has gone on a cruise with his friends 6 months ago, 3 guys and one brought his wife, he plays golf with them once a month, he went to 2 concerts with a guy friend in the last year, he went to 2 baseball games with a friend but yet i have never met any one of the 5 close friends that he has.

I love him and is the sweetest most supportive man i know but this is so touchy for us. I need some answers from some male introverts in a relationship.

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36 Comments

  1. I don’t think he’s ashamed of you,i think he loves you a lot.Its just that we(introverts) don’t feel comfortable getting into a new situation,i just entered college and i made some really good friends but still i haven’t introduced them to my school friends with whom i spend a lot of my time. Because i think that what if my school friends don’t like my school friends or what if my college friends don’t like my school friends. I don’t want these things to take place so its better if they don’t know each other. Because i love them equally, i think this is what he must be going through.We tend to be a little insecure, we value a lot the people who are in our lives so we tend to get a bit insecure about them.

  2. Introvert find it so uneasy being around with people, they’d rather want to be alone or someone she/he is at ease with. But the disadvantage of this is, they won’t grow socially and doesn’t know how to interact with people. you cannot live being with few people or alone until you grow old. Let your boyfriend learn to introduce you to his friends, There is nothing wrong with it as long as he knows himself MUCH and trust you then there is nothing to worry.
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    • You obviously are not an introvert and you don’t understand what it means to be an introvert. This guy isn’t uneasy with other people as it has been pointed out he does have friends and even if he were, it doesn’t mean he won’t grow socially.

      And yes, it is ok to have a small circle of friends until “you grow old” as you put it. That’s part of what being an introvert is-you prefer a small group of friends. There is nothing wrong with it.

      I advise reading up on what it means to be an introvert because you sound like an extrovert to me.

      • It is kind of frustrating to see extroverts on this site commenting about how it’s wrong or unhealthy to be introverted. You can tell they haven’t done anything to understand introverts, like read this site or others. I am totally happy not having many friends. In fact, I really don’t have any. I have my family and that’s all I need. I don’t miss having friends whatsoever. It’s a relief to me not to have to try to please THEM with emotional support and chit chat all the time. Introverts are comfortable with themselves, and get all their comfort from within. Not from other people. That being said, some introverts still get lonely at times, and I recommend being selective about friends, and probably picking other introverts to be companions with. Then there won’t be smothering.

  3. Now-to the girlfriend. Just talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. This may have nothing to do with him being an introvert. Just because someone is introverted doesn’t mean everything they say or do is because of that. There may be something else going on here, but until you ask him, we can all speculate and make wild guesses about it. Be an adult, discuss your relationship directly, tell him your feelings.

    • Kathie-
      I have addressed this and we talk about this about once a month. we are very mature about it, he is 38 years old and i am 37. He is sick of talking about it. The difference is that when i, the extrovert, make plans with my friends, we go out, invite everyone we can, and enjoy the company of others no matter where we are. When he does things, they ususally do not involve opportunity for others to join in. I finally became a little more firmer, i asked him to discuss this predicament with his friends and maybe they will have some ideas or they may say yeah i would like to meet your girlfriend. I think in some ways he is a little socially inept. His job is done completely alone, he talks to his boss on the ohone, never goes to an office but yet once ou get to know him, he is funny, cute, smart, and sweet. But he just doesnt take any intiaitive to try this so i dont feel left out or like im not important. I know he loves me, i know this make him uncomfortable but how does an introvert move forward in a realtionship? I can see myself with him for a very long time but i know someday i am going to want him to live with me. Will this ever occur? i feel like i am going to have to build an in law apartment for him to be able to rejuvinate. I want him to include me as if i am his everything. He tells me i am, i fully trust him, but i have never been asked to join him when he gets together with his small circle. He even says he doesnt blame me for having these feelings but doesnt, cant or wont try to make me feel better. I think some of this is stubborn vs introvert. He is very independant and thrives off his alone time. I honestly do respect this. I figured after a year and a half we might be able to move forward. Any more suggestions how?

      • Maybe some of it is stubbornness. What you describe in his excluding you doesn’t sound like introvert behavior to me so much. But his behavior could be related. I’m 43 and after many years of dealing with the emotional games people play and how people get offended so easy, I’ve become a bit rebellious about appeasing people’s emotions. I simply got tired of the emotional needs of others, the expectations and attachments to me. I don’t know if this is it, but I am putting myself in his shoes best I can with what little I know. If it were me and I were rebelliously withholding you from meeting my friends, I would probably eventually introduce you to them if you showed no desire to meet them. If you have a strong emotional reaction to this exclusion, it might be making him rebel. We have been emotionally manipulated for years and are tired of it. I’m not saying you are manipulating him, but after a while and years of dealing with other peoples emotional needs, we can start to see hurt feelings and strong emotional reactions to things we do and don’t do as a kind of blackmail or manipulation. It’s just a thought.

  4. It appears to me as if you are desperate for your relationship with this introvert to move onto the next step. It is good that you understand that we innies need our space and our alone time. The other thing that you need to understand is that we move MUCH slower than most extroverts and most people. We don’t like being rushed. We don’t care for the pace of the world, we move at our own pace. We don’t like having many discussions of yet the same thing again and again as we hate to repeat ourselves. If you must repeat yourself, again, put it in writing and give it to him. Why are you in such a hurry to meet his friends and vice versa? Do you not realize that the more you push this issue the more he is going to resist? Don’t force the issue, let it happen naturally. We may not be very vocal but we can stand extremely firm in the face of heavy objection, and most times without saying a word. It is good that you each have your own interests outside of the relationship. Keep doing that. Just because a couple is together doesn’t mean that they have to be joined at the hip. Part of the reason why so many couples have so many problems is that they don’t give each other the necessary space to exist. Weather they are married or not. And should you two ever get to the point of moving in together, there stands to be a very strong possibility of your introverted boyfriend moving into that inlaw apartment, and sleeping in there as well. Hopefully you are willing to accept this happening, if you are not willing to accept this then consider not bringing it up.

    • Thank you Kgm!! very nicely put. how long is it until i will get to meet and be incorproated into his life more? a year and a half is a long time to date someone and never meet his friends.

    • I really like an introverted man. He is my boss only for a couple of months while we are away in a different country. I have asked him if he would ever invite me into his world, but he said probably not. I am an extrovert with introverted tendencies. How do I move slowly enough so as not to scare him with my noise, but still let him know I am interested. He appears to like me as his body language gives him away. If I lean against him he will lean into me, I often catch him glancing at me and his eyes are really soft and dreamy when he talks to me. He is super super introverted though. If I go to his room he will happily chat with me for about half an hour then he starts to get a bit restless and I know it’s time to go. His whole world seems to revolve around work and he said he hasn’t had a girlfriend for a long long time. Whenever we go anywhere he doesn’t look at other girls like most guys do. Help me understand?

  5. I am not in a relationship but I am sometimes reluctant to have different groups of friends meet because I’m not sure if they will mix well whether it’s in the shared interest department or personality. I don’t want them to feel awkward/uncomfortable, however, I admit that I over think these kind of things many times. It also depends on how close I am to the people involved.

    This could be a reason why your boyfriend hasn’t introduced you to his group. Do you think it may be possible that the friend(s) may have espressed an uneasiness about someone new spending time with the group? Has he described his friends to you and how they spend their time together? Has he given any explaination as to why you haven’t met them? Maybe if you state that all you want is to understand why you haven’t met them and you explain why you want to meet them (while assuring him that you won’t pressure him to do anything if he is not ready) he will be willing to open up a little on the subject. If you two can have a heart to heart on this without any percieved pressure or guilt, he will have a chance to think about the validity of his reasons. Sometimes people just need time to warm up to an idea.

    I can’t say anything about your relationship because I do not know you or your boyfriend but he may take a little longer becoming comfortable with people and/or sharing multiple aspects of his life with someone (even if he does happen to care a lot for this person).

  6. I think for a lot of us introverts, relationships are like songs. We can pay really close attention to about one at a time, maybe getting more out of them than others do because we can be really attentive to them; but mixing two at once is often just really jarring. Like playing “Sedated” at top volume along with “Communication Breakdown,” also at top volume.

    Your boyfriend’s relationship with his friends sounds like it’s familiar, smooth, and comfortable. His relationship with you is the same. But it’s a good bet he’d feel deep down that he was shortchanging you AND his friends to mix it up. For an extrovert, that represents an opportunity for good things to get better and recombine in new relationships. For an introvert it might almost be irreverent.
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  7. to Author, I don’t know. Though we all innies move slower than most people, we each move at our own pace. Keep yourself busy with your friends and other activities that you like and enjoy doing. Because your innie is doing the same. When it is time for it to happen it will happen. Until then, don’t rush the process. Another part of the reason why there are so many failed relationships in the U.S. is because we live in an age where relationships are instant. People meet today and want to move in tomorrow and get married next week. And it doesn’t help that there are so many online sites selling love with all of this dating crap. But true relationships don’t work like that. Relationships are like a fine wine. No matter how much you want to taste, you simply cannot rush the process. Try to let go of society’s expectations (if there are any) and toss them out the window. Let go of other people’s expectations. Destroy this so-called American dream and really think about what you want. and take your time doing it. I think that keeping busy may help you, but I can only hope. For the record, I have been dating my boyfriend for ten years and we have yet to be married and/or move in together. I am not in a rush to do anything. And I refuse to be rushed. I need my own space and my BF is understanding enough to know that just because I don’t want to share the same space doesn’t mean that I am not faithful nor that I don’t want to be with him. He is boarderline extrovert/introvert by the way.

    It could be also that the majority of your BFs friends have introverted low energy levels like him, and you represent just the opposite, high energy, need lots of stimilus or external energy sources (people talking, moving about, lights, sound, etc). External energy sources give you energy while external energy sources drain our energy. We innies already have low energy levels to begin with. But we regain our energy by spending time alone. Think of a re-chargable battery. Or better yet, I want to recommend a book for you. It is titled “The Introvert Advantage” by Marti Laney. I think that this book will really help you to get some better understanding. Keep in mind that this book was written from the introvert point of view. However rare it is, it is still a breath of fresh air to know that there is at least one extrovert striving to understand his/her introvert couterparts. :o)

  8. Or it could be other way around.

    I don’t like different groups of friends to met, not because I’m afraid they won’t get along, but because I’m afraid they will get along so well they’ll just leave me aside. It happened to me twice, so it actually took me quite a long time before I was comfortable enough to introduce my extroverted, now ex-boyfriend to my friends.

  9. OK, here is what I see. You really care for this guy, but in the long run can you really be happy in this relationship? No matter what his reasons, he has made it clear who he is, though not what his needs are (he has given no explanation)… you have different needs and different desires and a different lifestyle. I seriously think you need to take a long look down the road and think about what life with him is truly like.. you are not going to change him, that is clear. How much of yourself can you give up to be with him? sorry, but the truth bites

  10. I think he must be an extreme introvert. I am a bit of introvert myself and it was hard at first to introduce my friends to her but as time passes by it went smoothly. If until now he has not introduced you to any of them yet, then I think you must accept it. This does not mean that he does not care for you, think of it as a special case for him. Just don’t give up on him, who knows someday he will surprise you by inviting you along with his friends.
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  11. As a woman, I would feel the same. Did you ask him why he hasn’t introduced you to his friends yet? I think its best to know the answer from him. Did you tell him you want to meet his friends also? You have gone a long way with your relationship. I think it is about time that he introduces you to his friend. Being an introvert is not an excuse if he wants to make things better for both of you. He doesn’t need to throw a party just to do it. A simple dinner may do. Good luck! 🙂

  12. Being an introvert male I feel I can relate to your boyfriend. In my last relationship I waited for around 9 or so months before introducing my girlfriend at the time to my friends. She was extroverted with some introvert tendencies but really that wasn’t what concerned me when thinking about introducing her to my friends. It was their difference of interests and personalities as a whole. While I love my friends and loved her they didn’t seem compatible and this, to me at least, is problematic when people are expected to spend time together. She wasn’t really pushing to meet them but it was on my mind. So one day I let the girlfriend meet a close female friend, we went to the friends house and were just going to hang out and chat, except it was awkward, really really really awkward. The friend and girlfriend had nothing to talk about and anything I had in common with both of them didn’t seem to matter, I couldn’t speak to one of them without the other going feeling left out.

    While I can’t (obviously) speak for what is on your boyfriends mind ask yourself these two questions: What do your boyfriend and his friends chat about when they hang out, and what do they get up to? What do you and your boyfriend chat about, and what do you get up to when you hang out? If they are completely different answers then my example works – you and his friends are different people, different types of people with different interests. (This is of course on top of the introvert/extrovert differences that may be present.) If your boyfriend is anything like me then he will like this alternating between people – life would be boring if all our friends and relationships were the same people with the same interests? He is clearly thinking about this, and whether he has made the correct choice or not I would bet he is worried that you and his friends will get along – and not some forced “getting along” for the sake of being nice. Introverts are more interested in quality relationships you’ll agree.

    I deal with this in my new relationship by only intertwining my circles at birthdays and events – the girlfriend and her friends/my friends and I went to a music festival together and we’ll probably meet up for other music orientated things and it keeps everyone happy. Forced meetings are never the way to go, for me anyway, and it sounds like for your boyfriend may feel that way too.

  13. I guess you have to try and ask him about how you feel with him not giving you chance to be introduced to his friends and you feel that he is ashamed that you are his girlfriend. Maybe he wasn’t aware of it.

  14. I have friends who always and only do things together because they are afraid the partner could cheat. Then there are those who prefer to go out with friends but without their partner just to have the option to try the grass on the other side of the fence. In both cases I’ve seen too many relationships going apart.
    Why is so hard about finding the middle way? My partner goes golfing and fishing with his guys without me but at the same time we enjoy having a BBQ together with our families. I would not want my partner around me when I go shopping with my girlfriends, get our nails done and gossip about the latest fashion. At the same time my partner and I appreciate every minute at one of my girlfriends for popcorn and movie.

  15. Thank you for the replys. We are still struggling with our differences but we talk alot and hopefully it will work out. Good news is that I met his family at a cookout. I felt great, excited, and proud that i finally met his aunts and uncles. They were very friendly and i had a great time. I havent met his friends yet but hopefully some day soon. He is unable to plan a dinner with his friends and thier wifes. He states that he doesnt do that with them and cant/wont do that. I tried to suggest that. Bad news, i feel we are not progressing. After a year and 9 months, I see him twice a week and when he is at my house i feel like he needs to runs away. I have given him alone time, space when he needs it but it doesnt seem to make him more comfortable. I have a very busy active life so i try to spend as much time with him as i can. We ususally only see each other twice a week. Frequently he comes over later beacuse of work and leaves first thing in the morning. rarely does he stay later than noon. I wanted him to stay and watch the football game with me as we both like it and yet he didnt/couldnt and did not want to. And no i dont think he has a scret life or has another girl. I have stayed at his house too when i can. He is losing me as i feel pushed away, unimportant, and kind of used. I wanted us to progress, become more involved in each others life but we are stuck in some mud.

  16. These are all things that an extrovert must go through if they are dating and introvert and want to take the relationship to the next level. I might sound a bit harsh here but I’d suggest you to think through if you have the strength to cope with all these things in the future. OK, you can for now, but what about 5 years from now? 10?

    I don’t think that he doesn’t love you, but I feel like you might not be entirely aware about how introverts function after all. He will not turn into an extrovert.
    Ana @ Como Hacer Ensayos´s last post ..Cómo Hacer Un Ensayo – Cómo Se Hace Un Ensayo

  17. It’s not about you loving him or he is loving you – there is no doubt. But as we say it in German ‘You cannot survive with love and oxygen alone’
    You have already given yourself the answer. You just don’t see it yet. Once you do, you will happily move on – and so will he!

  18. I’m also in a simular relationship situation than you and yes it is hard to be with an introvert.
    Me too I often feel pushed away and unimportant (but deep inside i know it’s not true!)
    I ask myself sometimes if it’s worth going any further with it but then again the relationships are about differences, compromises, getting to know eachothere and finding a way around problems.
    Sometimes it’s easier, sometimes it’s harder, but building any relationship is hard work.
    Now that may sound really bad but from time to time I’m using a shock approach with my partner.
    As I’m trying to understand the difference in which his mind works and accept his needs and limitation I belive now and then he need a good shake up.
    I’m quite an emotional person and sometimes it comes to the point when i can’t take it any longer. At those moments I explode and it happens that I treaten to leave him (I really do think of leaving then). I don’t use it to black mail him and get him to do things he don’t want to do etc.
    But it seems thet it makes him think also about how I feel and waht I need (rather than me always being the one to give a room for his needs and feelings). I do believe that part of being introverted is to be self centered and egoistic to some extend but I try to accept it as a part of personality rather than judging it as good or bad.
    I would never want to hurt my partner but I think introverted people can be so closed off in their inner world and wrapped up around themselves that sometimes the only way to get throug to them is to give them a good shake.
    Hovever this is in now way a substitute for talking and and real problem solving. It’s just kind of a way of opening the door for a conversation (atherewise you may be talking with or to them over and over aging about something and there in no result).
    I really know that sound terrible, but I believe that in such unconventional relationsp you need to takesometimes an unconventional measures.
    I do believe that it DOES HELP us to progress and actually deepens our connection.
    I see that evry time after such rant my partner is really making an effort to come out towards me as much as I’m trying to give him a room for his loneliness and it seems to have a lasting effect.
    And ofcourse I’m careful not to overdo it and rathere build our relationship on feel good factor.
    I hope that make’s sense.
    Good luck

  19. You need to have a conversation about how you feel. Maybe its not any of the reasons you mentioned… What if he just feels that his friends are embarrassing and he doesn’t want you to find out. Also, maybe he just like to have his freinds be separate from you…and that’s his thing…but if you stay together, at some point your paths may cross….I don’t think its that big of a deal to him and you shouldn’t make it a bigger deal than it is yourself.
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  20. Why do you need to meet his friends? Why does the relationship need to change in any way? In your words “move forwards”. Perhaps in his eyes the relationship is great the way it is, why do you need to spend more time together to the point where you eventually live together? Why do you need to be further integrated into each others lives to the point where you no longer have your own lives?

    I think a lot of people blindly follow what they think is the prescribed norm for a relationship without considering if the end result is actually an enjoyable relationship. Personally I feel that becoming highly integrated in each others lives and seeing each other every day leads to a loss of the excitement and passion between two people.

    This is my reason for not changing a relationship I’m already happy with by so called “moving forward”, because in reality the result of this moving forward is in actuality moving backward for me as I would be less content with the relationship.

    Just an alternative viewpoint for people to consider.

  21. The problem here is that he is sees his own needs as far more important than your own. If he’s worried about it being awkward, is he so fragile that even a very brief meeting with just one of his friends will cause him to crumble? Is the possibility that he may feel uncomfortable for half an hour such a huge deal that it trumps your needs entirely? Being an introvert is one thing. Refusing to acknowledge that other people’s feelings are as important as your own is quite another.

  22. Perhaps if you explained it to him this way: Imagine if you insisted that every time you two were together, it was with a group of your friends, and no matter how often he told you it exhausted him to be out with so many people, you refused to spend time with him alone. How long would he be willing to go along with only your needs being met, never his? My guess is — not long.

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