A couple of weeks ago we had an all-day staff meeting, where the folks in my department who usually work in other cities all came to our main office. Our boss is a super cool guy and wants the meetings to be beneficial and fun, so he had an action-packed agenda including an outside consultant who flew in for the occasion.
Like many of you, I hate long meetings and get bored very quickly, so that day I was quick to respond to questions, often adding remarks that I knew would make my boss and the others laugh. It helped me to have a little fun in the meeting and I also hoped it would go more quickly that way. We made it through the morning then lunch was brought in so we ate as a group. After lunch it was time for the consultant to give us quizzes about our preferences and talk to us. Unfortunately he was a guy who quickly memorized all of our names and wanted to prod us about our personalities and how each of us would work in a team with various others. He called on me many times, and I resented him for pushing me that way, but I knew the answers to his questions so I still thought all was well. Around 2 pm though, I suddenly realized that I was exhausted. I really felt it all over my face, as if I could hardly stand to have my eyes open or especially meet anyone else’s eyes. As the guy kept talking on and on, I got my Blackberry and sent a quick email to an introvert across the room. “Exhausted.” In a few minutes I looked at the Blackberry discreetly to see his reply, “I’m done.” Well said. I think most of us were done.
My boss is a well educated guy and has actually had us complete behavior surveys before, so he definitely knew each person’s tendencies, yet after the consultant was finally finished he called on a guy who is about as introverted as I am. “Jeff*, can you tell us a little about what you’ve been doing?”
Jeff looked like he was in a daze. “Um…I um…” The consultant or the out-of-towners may have thought he didn’t know what he’d been doing. The fact was that Jeff was exhausted. The six hours we’d all been sitting there and participating in the meeting had totally drained his battery. He finally managed a few simple sentences, but of course he didn’t come near doing justice to what he’d been working on. Fortunately although it would never occur to my boss that someone could be exhausted from being with others, he kindly said thanks and moved on. I was so glad that I knew why I was exhausted and could also have a reasonable estimate of what time I would be free. That is the beauty of knowing you are an introvert instead of wondering if something is wrong with you! There is no better feeling in the world than being an introvert after a meeting is over and you are blissfully alone.
We have another meeting coming up in a few weeks. This time I plan to participate as appropriate but not try to be the life of the party. I’m going to go in with my battery fully charged and not sap it by overdoing it! When the group goes off on a tangent, I’m even going to refresh my energy the one way I can do while sitting with others – escape into daydream. Of course any physical escapes during breaks and lunch will definitely be alone and beautifully silent.
I’ll let you know how it goes!
*Names have been changed to protect innocent introverts. 
Photo credit: jpockele
Additional reading:
{ 2 trackbacks }
{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
I haven’t been to too many meetings, luckily, but I do recognise Jeff’s behaviour. Specially if they have a meeting at the end of the day.
I can especially relate to it in social settings. After a while I might seem very uninterested, but I’m not. I’m just tired and need some time to myself. Sadly very few extroverts understands that, because they tend to think that everyone wants to be social all the time; or at least as long as they can muster.
Oh yes – weddings, parties, holidays, any time we’re with people for a long time, we tend to get drained. And it’s as if the others GET all the energy we’re losing! I’m sure they can’t understand it at all, but fortunately those of us who know we are introverts can teach ‘em.
I totally relate! Luckily after almost ten years of marriage my (SUPER extrovert) husband understands that I only have so much to give… even if I’d like to be an extrovert, and no matter how well I can socialize with people, I’m just NOT an extrovert! I have quite a few stories from earlier in our relationship of me melting down at parties after having subtly told him multiple times that I needed to leave. He just didn’t understand my *need* and since he’s an extrovert he’d party on… and then suddenly I would MELT DOWN and be mad that he wasn’t listening to me when I said I wanted to go… oh, Lordy! Thank goodness we’ve worked through all those issues.
I should write a blog post about all this! 
Hah – I’ll bet a good meltdown got his attention!
I have done that before when finally getting home from a day where I’d been one-on-one with a VP of the company I worked for, driving to a nearby city and working there all day then driving back – all while making small talk with him. I needed to be ALONE when I got home and actually didn’t realize what was going on at the time! I had no idea what an introvert was at the time.
When everyone will let me do the things I want to do and not push me into more, I really enjoy being an introvert. I can’t even describe the extreme pleasure I get from reading or daydreaming. But I do wish I had an extra battery pack for things like what you’re describing.
Man…I had a melt down at a club because I was beyond exhausted and my friends refuse to leave (my friend, Cyndi was the DD). Finally in order to get their attention I foreigned a sickness….that got their attention quick and they dropped me off at home. I learned from then on to bring my own car.
Jennie, oh yes having your own car there makes you feel so much better. Just knowing it’s there even helps me to be able to stay places a little longer, because I know I can leave any time I want!
We have meeting at my job once in a blue moon and I hate going to it because 1) it at 7 pm and 2) its BORING! Its the same lecture every meeting. Plus by the end of the day I just want to veg. I don’t want to hear people yap especially if I’ve been around people all day. Just tell me what you have to tell me and let me go my merry way. There should be a floating bubble that say ” Vacant…talk to me tomorrow”
Me too – by the end of the work day it is time to LEAVE and go veg somewhere. Usually there is nothing I’ve heard in a meeting like that that couldn’t have been said in an email. Um..sometimes I think my floating bubble actually shows to the world.
I feel the same way about meetings. I just laugh when people talk about the next meeting at the current one. Wasted company money!
Isn’t that amazing! Let’s have a meeting to talk about the next meeting!
Thanks Frank – that is a good laugh, although kind of a disgusted laugh because it really happens!
As an introvert, I think its a bad excuse to blame our personality type for things like this.
Hi No, Absolutely, I wouldn’t want to give the impression that if someone hires an introvert he’d never be able to last through a meeting. I just wrote the post to illustrate what some of us go through so that extroverts who are interested might understand a little better. Introverts who want to do so can be or do anything they want: salesperson, President of the U.S., late night talk show host, comedian, anything.
Thanks for your comment !
I’m an intorvert also, but I don’t think it’s bad to blame our personality type on this. It’s just how and who we are. I feel I have to be “on” all the time and it is very exhausting. And the older I get, the less I want to be “on”. And it ticks me off for extroverts to complain about me wanting to be “off” for a while. I don’t tell them to be the life of the party all the time and I deserve the same respect. If I want to be “off” they should respect that and find another party to go to and leave me alone.
Very nice. Maybe as people become a bit better educated about all this they’re realize – we’re not sinister, unsociable, or weird. We’re just wired a bit differently so our energy comes from within.
My boss has all day meetings that have no discernible purpose other than to keep him company. So I started chewing raw garlic before the meetings and now they don’t last as long. I try to talk a lot.
Ed, L O L!!! That is awesome! I think I’ll bring a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos to my next meeting. Thanks for your comment!
Oh, we understand — we just don’t much care. The exhaustion you describe is consistent with subconscious avoidance mechanisms. In other words, it is your own fear and self-limitation that drains you. Blaming it on others is simply a celebration of perceived victimhood. It saves you from having to admit that you get a payoff from getting “tired.” What you call extraversion is, in fact, a sign of emotional intelligence and resilience. If you weren’t so busy mending the fence around your self-pity party, you might actually learn that energy comes from a higher source than our own shriveled little egos. It is inexhaustible. It can, however be refused, especially if you see yourself as a very finite being, strictly separate from others.
You obviously have no idea what you are talking about and seem to have no knowledge about psychology at all.
I could take my time to explain things to you, but I feel I would then just be wasting my time as you obviously already have made up your mind with your own biased uneducated opinions.
Just found you online: http://www.linkedin.com/in/patrickdietercdp
My assumption was wrong, as you seem to be a therapist.
I still stand by my opinion that you can’t be anything than uneducated; as someone who works as a therapist writing something like you wrote is unbelievable.
I actually hope that someone is using his name just to make the real Dieter look bad.
My degree is higher than yours and it is also in Psychology so there
. Things have come a long way since Freud so I suggest you move past simple avoidance mechanisms and get with the cognitive revolution!
Wow. . .so much I could say to this Dieter guy. . .”subconscious avoidance mechanisms?” No, sir, I am very conscious of my desire to avoid people like you. Energy drainers who, in your own words, “don’t care.” And certainly, energy is always available for our replenishment – but we tap into that source by being ALONE, and if you don’t understand that, well, it’s YOUR problem, not ours. I’d be willing to bet that the emotional intelligence of the average introvert is much higher than yours, as we are usually quite observant and considerate of the feelings of others. We do a lot more listening than talking, so we are usually pretty “in tune” with those around us. I’m deeply offended by your comment, but can’t say I’ll lose sleep over it.
Hermit Loner´s last blog ..A Little Privacy, A Lot of Happy
It’s really sad to me that this Dieter guy is, if Xen is right and it’s not someone hijacking Dieter’s identity, a therapist. How could he possibly help anyone when his entire goal in coming here was to (try to) make people feel awful, and to put them down, all the while making it disturbingly clear that he has absolutely no compassion?
And attempting to use buddhist concepts to bully people…
He’s just awful. My sympathies to anyone who had the misfortune to have him as a therapist. Here’s hoping that they were able to ditch him quickly and find someone with at least a spark of humanity.
I hope everyone does know that not all therapists are like this guy! Therapists aren’t judgmental jerks like he is. Or, if you come across one who is, find someone else, fast!
Xen, Hermit Loner, Deb – you folks are amazing. Thanks for your excellent comments!
Absolutely a judgmental jerk. If he is a practicing therapist, hopefully he doesn’t have many patients.
I can see where he’s coming from about people wanting to play victim and have somebody to blame. Introversion/Extroversion, however, has absolutely nothing to do with that.
I think better when my mouth (and everybody else’s for that matter) is shut. I am generally more productive when I’m left alone. I don’t have any interest in standing around all day talking about my family or my medical problems or recent purchases at work. Actually all of the very loud people who do this strike me as lazy time wasters, but I won’t say I’m right- maybe they need that environment like I need mine quiet.
On the weekend I like to roam around in the woods or drive nowhere by myself.
I am an introvert, but I am not shy. I am not afraid of people. I don’t avoid people. I have very good, genuine relationships with many people. I don’t feel sorry for myself, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with the above mentioned behaviors. Patrick Dieter has no idea what he’s talking about.
Hi Amanda, Oh yes, I can definitely identify with the things you’re saying. For many years I’ve been the one who comes in the break room to get a soda, trying to smile at the people who are talking about nothing, but definitely exiting the room before I’d get sucked into it. It’s just boring!
This post was intended to educate extroverts who might wonder about why their introvert friend would turn down an invitation because, “I had a long meeting, so I’m done.” Lots of extroverts search for information about introverts, and I know this is one of our more puzzling (or sometimes insulting, if you don’t know why we’re so exhausted) behaviors.
Thanks for your comment, and please keep coming back to Introvert Zone!
Sleepy after lunch?
Sounds like diabetes or the beginning of the same.
It could also be that someone had too much bread or too many carbs for lunch and is crashing. It can also be viewed from a biological standpoint that once our stomachs are full many tend to want to sleep to satisfy one of their other basic needs.
I know exactly what you are talking about. My freshman year of college was the worst because I live in an urban setting in a high crime area (on campus is very safe but off campus has a lot of muggings and such) So i couldn’t really get away. This year I have my car and everything is better. It also helps that I know how much i can take before i am done, so I can plan my life accordingly. The rest of my family is super extroverted and they just dont get why I dont spend every second of my day doing stuff, I need to be able to back off and find a quiet place to recharge…
Laura – Oh yes, that car is your freedom! I was in the same boat at Georgia Tech. One certainly wouldn’t go walking too far off campus. You are smart knowing your limits so you can deliberately spend time enjoying your family and friends while knowing when it’s time to go. Thanks so much for your comment. Please keep coming back to Introvert Zone!
Clients are the saviour of the introvert. Better a one on one extended meeting with a client than a boring meeting. Just make the whoops appointment mistake and time it for the last half of the meeting, preferably at the clients premises, peaceful travel time as a gap between the meetings and to delay the return.
Oh yes – sounds great Robert! No boss is going to argue that you can’t go see your client! That travel time is definitely refreshing, too. Thank you for your comment – and please keep coming back to Introvert Zone!
Thanks for the post. It is a great illustration of the introverted psyche.
I am particularly impressed by the amiability of the commentary section. Some truly snide comments were made, and you all managed to disarm the detractors with friendly respect and level-headed reasoning. Keep it up.
Thanks Daniel – yes we have some great people who read and comment on Introvert Zone. They truly want to help each other and to help others to understand.
Thanks for your comment! Hope you come back to Introvert Zone soon!
The thing I find really frustrating is that because I’ve managed to learn to FAKE energy, enthusiam and interest in social settings, my gf (an extrovert who would like nothingbetter than to never be alone) doesn’t believe me when I tell her how hard it is for me.
I too have to learned to FAKE it lol and have good fun at the same time, but it is extremely exhausting for me and afterwards im completely drained and need to be in as near enough to complete solitude as i can get for the rest of the week. My friends find this very strange as they see me as the life of the party.
Hi Jonny – that is exactly how I am, and that’s what I did that day at the meeting. I drained my people-battery twice as fast by being so “ON” all day. The next all-day meeting we had, I made a conscious effort to just relax and observe a lot of the time. I felt a lot better all day and didn’t burn out. I even went out for coffee with an extrovert and an introvert late in the day.
Thanks for your comment – Please keep coming back to Introvert Zone!
Michele – I’ve done a lot of that too, and I’ve been described as “vivacious” and “lots of fun” and all that by people who just had no idea that I love to be alone and not say a single word for hours. It’s so hard to learn to just relax and be a normal, happy introvert around others – even when a silence falls and we think we have to fill it up.
Thanks for your comment! Hope to see you back at Introvert Zone!
Putting Dieter’s rude style aside, his statement that introverts blame others for our drained batteries is false.
The opposite is true…knowing that we are likely to get cranky or shut down altogether past a certain point, we’re taking responsibility for ourselves by exiting the situation so we can recoup. We know our limitations and work around them. That’s a sign of self understanding and maturity.
The fact that we get drained after too much stimulation is just the way we are, and not anybody’s fault, ours included.
Bella, as usual, thank you for your insightful comment. That is exactly it. They’re our batteries and we know how to recharge them. We are aware that we are the ones who have to take care of them.
Dear all,
I enjoyed reading your comments and helped me understand that I am not alone as an introvert.
Just to share a short story, I was helping out at a friends wedding yesterday, i crashed at 10pm… when the wedding was ending…but the bride (my friend) asked us the bridesmaid to stay back and gather in her suite. Not wanting to appear to be a spoiled spot because I know my friend will misinterpret, I agreed to stay on, even though i really felt my tank emptying and the red lights blinking away.
My energy drained till my body was shrivelled up, and I sat quite, stoned and looking quite irritated on the sofa in the suite while the bridal gang was still toasting away and having lots of laughters and talks. I simply could not understand how they mustered up all that energy! I felt totally incompetent as a person and it further aggravated my energy zapping situation.
I know I should have left at 10pm, but I really did not want to upset my friend. What should I do in similar future situations?
Angela, in a normal situation I’d say your idea of leaving at 10pm would work fine. But of course this was different, there were more expectations of you.
Do you know the idea of “face time”? When you show up at a party just to let your face be seen (to at least pretend to participate in a social event that you can’t escape)? Maybe you could have told your friend, “Sure, but I can only stay for one drink” or something in that vein. Show up, but exit quickly.
This is an interesting story. I, too, am introverted and have to go out of my way to make an effort to communicate with people at social functions, although I am a lot more outgoing once I get to know someone and am comfortable with them. It is amazing that some don’t realize the actual physical and mental exhaustion that can accompany socializing.
Kidgas´s last blog ..Promoted at Life123
Hi Kidgas, that’s right – to some people, socializing is exhilarating, and it’s how they energize themselves! I’m sure these same people can’t understand that we have the opposite need, and in fact they think we just need to “come out of our shells.”
Welcome to Introvert Zone, and thanks for your comment!
I have only discovered your site this week. This article and comments has been a fantastic help thanks. I have diabetes and very often have put exhaustion down to that, but now I know it is just a likely to be extroverts sapping too. I looked at your site out of desparation because I had 2 meetings after work with the same 2 extroverts who spent the meetings talking over each other. I have also noticed that when I say something like “I might do this..” some extroverts take that as a firm commitment! When I mean, I’ll go away & think about it!
Hi Andrew – welcome to Introvert Zone! I’m so glad you’ve found this site helpful – and please keep coming back!