Why do people ask introverts, “Are you OK?” just because we aren’t yammering on all the time? Who are these people who’ve appointed themselves the facial expression police? I can be at my desk, deep in thought, maybe trying to figure out a complex formula, and someone walks by and says calls my name, shattering my thoughts. I tear myself away from my calculation and focus on their face, getting ready to respond, then here it comes: “Are you OK?” To me, if I’m not in tears or screaming or otherwise outside the norm of calm office behavior, why would anyone imply that I had the incorrect expression on my face? “Are you OK?” is what you’d say to someone who’s stumbling, weaving, or having a seizure, not to a deep-in-thought coworker who’s intently staring at her screen. One time years ago I really hurt the feelings of a super nice guy who asked, “Are you OK?” because in response I whirled around and snapped, “Yes! Are YOU OK?”
I guess “Are you OK?” is the current way to ask, “Why didn’t you respond the way I want?” because I see it all the time now, even on TV. When someone gets a short answer from another person, instead of wondering if the person is busy, doesn’t like them, or is otherwise preoccupied, they immediately ask, “Are you OK?” thus implying that the other person is the one with a problem. The other person must not be OK or he/she would have responded enthusiastically to any and all comments!
Now that I’m much more aware of introverts and extroverts, I react to “Are you OK” in a lot more appropriate manner for the workplace! I always say pleasantly, “Yes! How are you?” and then continue to make pleasant chitchat. Soon enough, the friendly person will go on her merry way and I can get back to my thoughts.
Photo credit: DrJimiGlide
No related posts.
{ 87 comments… read them below or add one }
← Previous Comments
I just found this site recently and it’s so great to know that there are other people who have experienced so many of the same things I have. I’ve really enjoyed reading the posts and can really relate.
About the comments people make about facial expression….I used to experience this when I was in college…I remember walking down a hallway and someone, I believe it was a staff member, coming the other way stopped me and said “You look like you just lost your best friend!” …huh? I had no idea how my facial expression looked, but after a few other similar incidents with similar comments (ie. “you need to smile more”), which were very hurtful at the time, I decided I needed to make the conscious effort to constantly wear a “half-smile” on my face all the time. I figured that if what I thought was a relatively expressionless look, actually looked like I was frowning, to others…then, as strange as it felt at first, if I wore that “half-smile” all the time, maybe I would look “normal” to other people, and maybe it would stop these comments. I remember even practicing and evaluating how this looked in the mirror…making sure it was just enough to counteract the “frowning look” I apparently otherwise had, without making me look crazy…lol! It did help, silly as it sounds. That was over 20 years ago. Funny the things we will do!
I Googled the phrase, “Are you okay introvert” because it has to be the most infuriating question. I get it every single day for not smiling enough or talking enough and it only makes me resist doing those social activities all the more.
I just found out today about the phrase “introvert” and it’s opened up my world. After 27 years I FINALLY have a name to put to my personality, and my life as a whole. Nobody around me understands it completely, but my wife has been great about trying.
I almost feel like I wrote this post myself as my response is frequently the, “Yes, are YOU okay?” It feels so invasive and offensive to ask if someone is okay when nothing is wrong because it’s like someone is saying, “You look really messed up, tell me all about it” when nothing at all is wrong.
Thank you for the post. =]
While I was in high school I developed quite the reputation for being a snappy little so-and-so and the infamous ‘Are you okay?’ – or inquries of that nature – were often the catalyst for me lashing out and that asker. At the time people assumed I was just a little catty and I figured that I was a cranky person at heart, as I knew that lashing out wasn’t the acceptable response.
Now, years on, I know that such responses have an enormous amount to do with being an introvert. I’m pleased to read your story and those of the many comments on this particular post. I too try and respond in more positive ways these days!
Anita x
I actually just had this happen to me yesterday when I went to Olive Garden to pick up a to-go order. There were about six workers chit chatting behind the welcoming station and I tentatively greeted them because I didn’t want to intrude too much on their conversation. When they all finally turned to look at me, I told one of them my name so I could pay for my order. As I dug into my purse for my wallet, one of the women looked at me asked, “Are you okay?” I smiled and politely responded with a “Yes, Im fine,” but inside I was extremely aggravated. Why would she, a stranger, ask if I was okay? What right did she have to even be asking that question of someone she doesn’t even know. Did she ask that because I didn’t make any small talk? Didn’t have the correct expression on my face? Or was it possibly because I came alone? Just because I not talking doesn’t mean that I’m sad or upset. I’m just waiting for you to do your job and hand me my order!
(Kierra) — Because that women is stupid and there are many stupids like that who like to make fun of others for no reason.They always interfere in others business.The joke is, people who do that are not perfect in anyway.
Yes, introverts may be hard to communicate and get along with, but they need to be respected with whatever they want. Thank you so much!
← Previous Comments
{ 2 trackbacks }