Why do people ask introverts, “Are you OK?” just because we aren’t yammering on all the time? Who are these people who’ve appointed themselves the facial expression police? I can be at my desk, deep in thought, maybe trying to figure out a complex formula, and someone walks by and says calls my name, shattering my thoughts. I tear myself away from my calculation and focus on their face, getting ready to respond, then here it comes: “Are you OK?” To me, if I’m not in tears or screaming or otherwise outside the norm of calm office behavior, why would anyone imply that I had the incorrect expression on my face? “Are you OK?” is what you’d say to someone who’s stumbling, weaving, or having a seizure, not to a deep-in-thought coworker who’s intently staring at her screen. One time years ago I really hurt the feelings of a super nice guy who asked, “Are you OK?” because in response I whirled around and snapped, “Yes! Are YOU OK?”
I guess “Are you OK?” is the current way to ask, “Why didn’t you respond the way I want?” because I see it all the time now, even on TV. When someone gets a short answer from another person, instead of wondering if the person is busy, doesn’t like them, or is otherwise preoccupied, they immediately ask, “Are you OK?” thus implying that the other person is the one with a problem. The other person must not be OK or he/she would have responded enthusiastically to any and all comments!
Now that I’m much more aware of introverts and extroverts, I react to “Are you OK” in a lot more appropriate manner for the workplace! I always say pleasantly, “Yes! How are you?” and then continue to make pleasant chitchat. Soon enough, the friendly person will go on her merry way and I can get back to my thoughts.
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I’ve never gotten the “Are you OK?” question; not from what I can recall anyway. As a non-native English speaker I’m still struggling to get used to the “Hi, how are you?” question; which is far too common in English speaking countries.
It’s not so common to use it in Scandinavia, as it is actually a very personal question.
Sometimes I forget to answer the “how are you” and just say “Hi” back.
It always amuses me when you reply with the same greeting back you don’t always get an answer back, or they seem surprised.
I think it’s a bit of a personal question too, unless someone looks like they are in need of assistance!
I get the “Are you ok? ” question sometimes, but more often I get “You need to smile more” or they have the nerve to call me “smiley” as a way of letting me know that I don’t smile enough. I never go around commanding other people to do things such as change their facial expression. It’s none of my business what facial expression is on someone else’s face. A lot of the time I don’t smile unless I am talking to someone and that person says something that I find funny or kind or something like that, otherwise I have a serious looking face and that is fine by me. Other people might have naturally happy looking faces and that’s fine, too. But many people who have naturally happy looking faces, somehow think that that is better than someone who has a naturally serious looking face. I don’t go around telling these people that they need to stop smiling and have a serious expression. I think that many people also tend to feel uncomfortable when someone is a naturally serious person and wears a serious expression, so that’s why they go around telling those people to smile more and asking them if they are ok.
At one job I had, during my first week, a coworker told me that a customer didn’t like me because I didn’t smile a lot. Well, that really shocked me because I had never done anything wrong to that customer and she didn’t know anything about me to have an instant dislike of me. Afterward, everytime I saw that customer, I always felt uncomfortable because I knew that she had an issue with me.
I’ve also gotten the “you are too quiet” comment, and I also find that annoying because the same people who make that comment are usually unnecessarily loud and obnoxious, but I don’t go around telling them that they have a big mouth or talk too much. Actually, I did tell one person that she had a big mouth and she just laughed it off as though I wasn’t being serious, even though I was being very serious when I told her that.
Isn’t it amazing that people have that much time on their hands to worry about what expression others have on their faces? I don’t know if it’s mainly the U.S. with all the norm of the backslapping “false heartiness” of business deals and meetings or if extroverts all over the world are this bad about judging others. I hope someday people can be a bit more tolerant of folks who are quiet and serious – and minding their own business!
I find it intrusive and insulting when someone has something to say about the look on my face, or the way I do something, etc. For example, a few months ago I met 2 people, both of whom I know fairly well, at a restaurant. I tend to be early everywhere I go, and this time, I was really early. So rather than go in to the restaurant and be uncomfortable in a loud and over-refrigerated space, I sat in my car and read until it was closer to the meeting time.
Well! One of them saw me in my car and I got no end of static from her about it. And she had to tell the other person who also gave me grief about it. “You DO that? That’s so WEIRD!” That still rankles me. I was quite happy, not doing anything weird…it was none of their business at all. And this harassment touches on the “don’t point out something about an introvert” topic brought up in a different post. That is so uncomfortable!
“WEIRD?” Wow. Yet if you’d gone into the restaurant and used the waiting time to make loud calls on your cell phone that wouldn’t have been “weird” at all. Bella, I used to meet a friend for dinner all the time – an extrovert – and she’d sit and read in HER car if she got to the restaurant first. It’s too bad those two don’t know how to enjoy a book – they might learn something!
This issue is that people who are friendly really do care about you. They ask “are you ok?” because they really do care about your well being and will listen if you need to vent. They ask you this question because they are trying to make a connection with you in a safe way. Extremely introverted and private people are extremely hard to have as friends. They want the relationship 100% on their time, emotional convenience schedule, etc. Relationships need to have both parties trying. Go into work and say “good morning” and SMILE at people when you see them. You are making contact and when you are busy they will see that but since you had a word or two and eye contact/facial expressions that says “emotionally, etc. I am ok” they will give you the space you desire.
Hi Mark – thank you so much for your comment! Wow, if everyone could express himself as nicely as you do, this world would be a lot more pleasant. You’ve made many great points here, and it definitely is unfair of us to make the rest of you “guess” whether we feel like talking today or not.
Thanks again, and please come back to Introvert Zone often – I know I for one am going into the office tomorrow with a little different attitude.
Oh lord, thanks for posting this. I get asked this question a bazillion times a day and in every performance review. I am not an extrovert. Why do people expect me to be?
Hi Jeff! Very glad to have you here. It’s as if we need to consciously wear a certain expression on our faces in order to “blend in” for some people or something. I’m often lost in thought, and I don’t want to be jarred out of it. My hope is that people will learn, little by little, that introverts are good and normal too! Thanks for your comment – and please keep coming back to Introvert Zone!
Just this week, there was an article on Huffington Post about how to recover from being an introvert. In the comments, many people rightly took the author to task for that idea.
I had a boss, a classic extrovert, ding me in a performance review for being introverted. That’s like taking points off for me for having green eyes and not blue. The really dumb part is that HIS job — sales — required an extrovert. Mine, making Powerpoint presentations for him to use, required an introvert’s skills and ability to work alone. So where’s the problem?
Bella, that is so funny. They always give the introverts a black mark in the performance reviews, especially on areas such as motivation and taking initiative. I was always scolded because people thought I wasn’t motivated and that I didn’t seem to care about the job, even though I really did care. They simply thought I didn’t care because I wasn’t as outgoing and expressive about everything. People really don’t give others enough credit and just go about assuming things.
JW, that is such a shame. Your quiet and probably calm demeanor instead of back-slapping enthusiasm and loud talking was something your bosses didn’t know how to take. It’s very unfair when people just assume instead of finding out. We introverts have to make sure we show what we’ve done of value and speak up for ourselves a little, because it’s the only way some people are going to know (since they don’t understand our natural way).
Bella it does sound like you were in a great spot for an introvert! I wonder if your boss was just uncomfortable with your personality since he must have thought you were “too quiet” or something?
I don’t so much get this day to day as I’m working on a PhD and my office is actually too quiet for my liking, and no one talks at all. The time I do get it is when I’m out socialising.
As an undergraduate it was one of the main reasons why I’d avoid going out. I’d be in a group of a dozen or so people and I’d be sitting there fairly content in a club or bar, enjoying the music and talking occasionally but not all the time, and people would keep saying “Are you ok?” or “Smile!” or “Come on, it might never happen!”. This would normally prompt several other people to notice and to ask if I was ok as well. Sometimes people would take it upon themselves to make sure I was having fun, even if I insisted I was. I would find myself grabbed by the arm and dragged off to dance. Or someone would attach themself to me and force me into a long and empty conversation as if I couldn’t possibly be happy sitting there quietly. Did they realise they had actually made it so that I WASN’T having fun when I had been before they stuck their nose in?!! To tell them that would sound weird or cruel though.
I still find myself having to be conscious of my facial expression, dreading someone thinking that I’m not smiling enough and stepping in. I’ll pretend to be sending a message on my phone or something or try to listen into conversations going on around me that I’m not part of as if I’m really interested, just to avoid being singled out.
Yesterday I visited a friend of my partner’s and his fiance who have just become parents. They and another couple were discussing their babies and I happily sat and listened but the friend kept firing me with “Are you alright?” and “Are we scaring you?” (about parenting I presume!) when I was actually fine. The problem is that out of politeness you can’t say something cutting and so I actually jokingly pretended that they WERE scaring me, just because it was easier.
Hi Anna! I’m sorry; I read your comment the day you left it but never answered it. It’s awful when a person can’t just wear her normal facial expression without the smile police swooping down on her! Funny, looking at all the extroverts around me, they don’t wear perpetual grins either, but I guess since they talk a lot more than we do no one wonders if they’re about to collapse in worry. Hahaa..yes – it was nicer to say you were getting scared…but if he’d been mean/rude it would have been oh, so tempting to say, “I’m just bored!”
I usually just consider this a pet peeve. Along with people who say “You must understand.” and those who ask you to repeat yourself for what seems like a million and a half times. =]…I know I’m introverted but maybe I’m just a little bit over irritated with people in general. I don’t know…=/
Oh yes – it’s easy to get that way!
That “you need to smile” thing seems only to be directed at women, I have found. As though our looking worried, tired, unhappy, etc. is disturbing to those around us and must be corrected, for their benefit.
Hah – I hadn’t thought of that! So no matter what our jobs and roles in life are, we must also always appear to be “happy hostesses.” Sort of like how an advice book for women probably read in the 50′s and before. LOL! I will try to be more considerate of others around me from now on.
Oh, I’ve gotten that question LOTS. But I think I’m also guilty of asking it a few too many times. I try to ask ‘it’ when I really think someone I know well is acting unlike themselves, and sometimes I’m right, but sometimes I’m wrong and I laugh it off and apologize for interupting, since I know how they feel. Me and extreme extroverts don’t get along well. I know that, and I try to distance myself from them, but when I’m forced to be in close contact with them….it’s not pretty. XD My ‘leave me alone’ vibes just aren’t strong enough, I guess lol.
I’ve also taken someone aside and asked them – if it’s someone who would normally confide in me anyway. And yep, often there really is something going on with them.
I’d never think of doing that with a casual acquaintance/coworker though. Many of the people who’d ask me and other introverts such a thing must be really arrogant – I mean, what if we actually were having a problem – with family, job, health, etc. Why should we tell someone just because they Want To Know?
I basically lost my last job b/c I didn’t “smile enough”. No one had an issue with my work, my boss loved my quiet ways. But the young 20-somethings did NOT like working for me. I was too quiet, too serious, I held them accountable for my own standards and didn’t get involved in their lives. It wouldn’t have mattered their ages, I’m not into the people I work with lives! I don’t really care, we have work to do. But because I didn’t smile enough and feign enough interest in their lives they confronted me. Said everyone hated me. I bawled like a baby, AT WORK, and they were shocked. Couldn’t believe that I could be hurt… Really? I’m not a human being?
So, 2 weeks later after doing my best to smile at all of them, knowing they all hated me, being forced to listen to their drunken escapades, I was “laid off”.
Why is it a crime not to smile and have idle chit-chat at work?
J
Because society is a bitch.
Wow. That’s awful. You’d think in these modern times of everyone supposedly respecting that we are all different, no one would be laid off for not being “perky enough.”
Ack. I get the “are you okay” question from my friends waaay too often. Most of the time I’m just sitting at my desk, thinking about something pleasant but inconsequential, perfectly happy in my land of daydreams, when it is all shattered. One of my friends asks me, “Are you okay? You seem kind of quiet.” Then I play my part, chuckle good humouredly, and tell them I’m fine, while inside I’m annoyed because I have to reassemble my thoughts and take precious time getting back to where I started, just so that another well-meaning friend can ask the same question five minutes later! It’s like thinking for thinking’s sake is somehow inherently wrong nowadays!
I get asked if I am OK a lot too, or to smile more – I absolutely hate it. So I don’t go walking around with a big goofy smile on my face 24/7 – big deal. In fact, years and years of being bombarded with these types of questions and comments have left me with a complex and now I find it hard to be in any public space without being very aware that I’m probably looking grumpy and that everyone is noticing, which probably makes me look even grumpier. I do try and look happier and sometimes I think I’m doing a good job of it only to have someone yet again say “are you OK?” or “aww, you look so tired” which brings me crashing back down again. I know people mean well, but it’s very, very exasperating.
I’m a bit of an odd-one-out at work as most of my co-workers are very social and talk about anything and everything, whereas I just get on with my job quietly and prefer not to make any small talk. I kind of feel a bit bad about it sometimes, as though I should make more of an effort with them, but then that’s just my personality type, and who I am.
Tonight they all decided to go out for coffee after work. I was supposed to go but I ended up just slipping out quickly after work and going straight home. They just aren’t the type of people I get on with. I find I can get on with certain people, but they are few and far between normally.
Reading other introverts’ stories on here has been helpful, and I hope many more will find this place and take the time to add their own. It’s a comfort for me as I’m sure it is with many others here to know that we are not alone
Hey Jeremy! Glad the stories are helping. They help me too! It’s wonderful to read things that… formerly I’d thought I was the only one in the world who felt that way. Ahhh..the slipping out quietly when everyone else thinks we’re all going somewhere. A wonderful relief on the drive home, then sort of a weird feeling too, thinking, are they saying to each other of course I didn’t show up, etc.?
Teachers in school ask me if I’m okay all the time. We could have a free class and my classmates would be loud and obnoxious but I’m asked “Are you okay?’ by the substitute teacher when I’m the only one sitting quietly and reading.
My English teacher also would tell my parents that I’m not involved in class and that I don’t ask questions. Yet I get the highest results in tests.
Shaking my head and laughing, sort of sadly. Isn’t it a shame that when a student is nice and quiet and actually reads a book, IN SCHOOL, he is thought to have something wrong with him!
Yep, got it again yesterday at work. Trying to get a ton of stuff done, with a To Do list in my head and someone says…”Are you OK”? Blam, out goes the list of stuff to do. Yea, I’m fine. Just tired is my normal answer, lots to do as I run off and stop at my desk to try and reassemble my To Do List in my head.
School, I remember that being tough. I loved to sit in corners and read, people thought I was weird and called me names. It was rough, I don’t miss school at all.
J
The question makes me so mad, I sometimes look down at what I can see of myself and put a hand to my head with an exaggerated concern. “I think so…why?” But that’s not constructive; people don’t learn.
I am most often asked that question when I am walking down the hall with my head hanging because I’m deep in thought. I am always startled and respond with a “Huh? Oh! Um, Just deep in thought. Working out a problem.” That usually covers it, since I keep walking. But I am annoyed that the deep train of thought I was in got shattered and I have to take several minutes to reassemble it.
Generally I try to remember to make eye contact with a smile and a nod. Responding to the ‘How are you?’ is asking too much in the 2 seconds you usually have to respond before they’ve moved on any way. I can make it if they give me, say, 5 seconds.
I do think that’s why I smile in the halls more than most people around me – to disarm the “are you OK” question that comes up the minute I just let myself go deep in thought!
A.
I have a theory about this question being a species of “dominance” thing.
Like if I get *caught* in a moment of vulnerability and spill my guts, we’ll either be instant bffs (a valuable commodity in our lonely world) or vulnerable b/c that person has exclusive knowledge of a weakness of mine.
B.
On the other hand, it’s really not fair for us to take offense at people who don’t understand how we’re different. Is it fair to punish ignorance?
My best example: A few years ago my preschoolers asked me, “Mama, are you mad?” I came back with, “No, this is my thinking face.” But it got me aware. I’ve since then tried to make my ‘neutral’ face less-austere, and it hasn’t made me a Grinning Idiot.
A day or two later a child asked me, “Mama, are thinking again?” She had re-framed her understanding of my facial expression and it’s never come up again.
Interesting viewpoint. But I doubt many of those asking are thinking of dominance.
A few years ago my adult daughter asked me if I was mad. I said no. She had asked me to do something for her and I said yes after a brief hesitation. She questioned the accuracy of my not being mad. I insisted I wasn’t. She said “But you clenched your jaw. Just briefly, but I saw it.” I had to run back through my thought processes and yes, I was mad because it meant my adjusting my plans, but I got over it before I answered yes. The adjustments weren’t that big, and would fit with something else I had wanted to do. Anyway, I never realized until that moment that I clenched my jaw when mad. Now I use that as a signal for me to look into why I am mad. I often don’t realize the subtle creeping anger that comes over me until it’s hard to hold in.
Hmmm! I’ll have to start noticing that sort of thing! But mostly I get it when I’m concentrating, deep, deep in the Zone..and someone just can’t stand that I don’t look at them immediately when they appear in my peripheral vision.
Yes, I have had at least two of the “are you OK” people who were definitely trying to get me to talk some personal stuff. They thought they were really about to feast on something. But yeah, mostly I think it’s just ignorance. That question seems to come out of peoples’ mouths anytime someone isn’t laughing and talking nonstop.
Why do people ask introverts, “Are you OK?” just because we aren’t yammering on all the time?
Because they are stupids. Some extroverts just want conversation from anyone surrounded by them. So if anyone is keeping quiet…they will sure ask — “Are you OK?” Or they will think…there is some problem with the person who remains quiet.
Who are these people who’ve appointed themselves the facial expression police?
Well, they just judge anything.
Hmmm..makes sense. If someone isn’t talking, the quiet is uncomfortable for some people, isn’t it, so they break that by asking that dumb question.
Hadn’t happened to me in a long time. But after 2 weeks of relatives coming & going at my house & a broken toe, I went to work on edge. Apparently not able to put on the happy face anymore. So what email do I get from the talkative extrovert in the next cube? You guessed it. “are you ok?”. Thanks to this website I laughed, realizing she can’t help herself & went to reassure her. Of course that meant standing there talking for 20 minutes. Its going to take me a few days to recover from all this! J
OMG!
Well – I have to give her credit that she emailed you instead of coming and getting in your face! Hope you do recover from everything soon! 
“Are you OK?”
The moment you ask me that question I’m not OK anymore. I guess, some people care, most are just bored.
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