As bad as these momentary annoyances are, there is one thing that truly sets me apart from extroverts, and it is how much I despise having someone put me under a microscope so that they can “watch” me or “observe” me. If you know an introvert, then as much as you may want to know him better or get more communication out of him, do not make him avoid you entirely by concentrating what is to him an energy-draining focus on him. Sometimes when I keep a distance from an extrovert who really annoys me, then I can tell they are observing me and trying to analyze me. After all, the reason I don’t talk to them much couldn’t be anything to do with them, could it? In this comment about dorm life, JW told us the same sort of story about being observed and how it made her feel.
I have seen the worst of this behavior most from consultants who have come to talk to my work group about personality types or customer service at our special staff meetings. Without fail, these guys know all of our names instantly, and when they address me by my name then they also have a way of making eye contact and holding it a bit too long. I know they are trying to fit me into one of their categories, and I make it really easy for them by avoiding them in a very obvious way!
If you have an introvert in your life and you find it frustrating that they always seem to be on the edges of activities, always hesitating before jumping in, please let them observe for a minute while you mind your own business. We will be there beside you soon enough, but only if you don’t chase us away.
Photo credit: a2gemma
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Hi cb, I am glad that you did this entry about introverts not wanting to be the center of attention. I am much the same. I hate being the center of attention, absolutely hate it. I never liked being called on in class to answer a question, especially in college when many of the classes I attended, had circle style or semi-circle style seating, so that people could see each other. I had bad experiences in college when my English Literature professor would randomly call on students to participate. It was always nerve racking for me because he always seemed to pick me out as someone to answer a question or critique a passage of a novel or something like that.
I also disliked working with an extremely extroverted coworker who seemed to like picking on/tormenting me. One time, I’ll never forget, she stood behind me and started laughing at the way I had my work station organized. She laughed so much that one of the managers, who was near by, turned toward us to see what she was laughing about. She was a real pain in the neck, because she got into things that were none of her business and made other people look foolish because of her big mouth and attention seeking ways. One day I got fed up with her behavior and decided that I was going to ignore her, but it ended up backfiring on me because even though I had planned on ignoring her, she interrupted a conversation I was having with a manager. She started laughing about something that I had said to the manager, well off course I felt embarrased because I felt like unwanted attention was being focused on me. So in my anger, I whirled around on her and started mocking her laugh. Yeah, it was immature on my part, but by that point I was so sick of dealing with her that I wanted to make her look ridiculous for a change. She didn’t like that, so she yelled at me in front of the manager and then ignored me from that point on. She never saw anything wrong with the way she behaved, but held it against me for getting frustrated with her one time. On one hand, I was happy with not having to deal with her anymore, but on the other hand, it made the working experience uncomfortable. I guess, because she liked attention, she somehow figured that her coworkers liked attention, as well.
I would guess she was ignoring you because you actually stood up against her, and she actually got scared. I’ve experienced that a few times myself. I’m very quiet, but when I put my foot down people tend to get shocked.
Hi JW, I think most extroverts love being the center of attention and could not possibly imagine how awful it feels for us. With some of them, if we just let them have their little moment then they’ll move on to something else, but this woman in your office sounds too awful to tolerate for long. I’m glad you found out she was capable of shutting up
Hi JW, This girl sounds more like a bully. She sure didn’t get the response she was looking for. That’s a good way to shut someone up like that.
Yeah, I just felt like I could no longer respect this individual because of what seemed like her need to torment me and not take me seriously. So when I mocked her, it was based on built up frustration over time, and that action on my part was sort of the end result of being ridiculed by her on more than one occasion.
cb, I totally understand, and I was very accomodating to her personality and the fact that she loved attention, but when I finally came to the conclusion that she was trying to torment me because of my own personality, that’s when I stopped being as tolerant with her. I’m usually very tolerant and respectful of other people’s personalities, quirks, habits, because I realize that everybody is different, but my tolerance level wore very thin with this individual.
I always dreaded to be asked in class or especially at a new job. The get-to-know-circle is just awful. I tend to more easily stuff up my words if I have 20+ pairs of eyes looking at me, waiting for an answer.
I’m always known as the quiet one at work, but I’ve been lucky enough to not have the same experience JW mentioned. I think one of the reasons are that I’m very honest when I do speak up and that I’m not afraid to answer back. It’s also, as I mentioned, probably because as I’m so quiet, when I do speak up I kind of shock people.
I can kind of be like Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory. I just say thing with all honesty, and that sometimes throws people off and makes them confused. I don’t (always) mean to offend with my honesty, but it has its positive effect on people. Well, positive for me.
Hi Xen, Oh I’m with you. Coming up with the words when you’ve had no time to think about it takes a second or two anyway, but with 20+ pairs of eyes it’s almost like my brain has a short circuit sometimes. It’s good that you’re able to be straightforward and honest – I love that (almost) in there.
Definitely has a positive effect for you. Just because we’re introverts shouldn’t mean that people run all over us.
xen, that’s great that you feel comfortable speaking up for yourself. That’s one thing that I have always had trouble doing. I usually just let my feelings build up over time, which definitely isn’t good. But I have learned a lot over the past year on how to be more assertive, so that I can better handle situations that may arise.
Personally I don’t mind being the center of attention, in moderation. Of course the more people I don’t know the less attention I like, unless I have a good joke or a perfect smart ass remark.
Hi Nick, I will somes initiate being the center of attention when I do have a good smart ass remark. We introverts can have a really sharp wit but often don’t speak up because others are interrupting. But I still hate for someone to suddenly turn a group’s attention to me when I don’t expect it. Approximately half of that dread is that they’ve probably caught me daydreaming.
I have an answer for you. I used to be an intovert perhaps I still in that I am not an outgoing person. However should I become the center of attention I’m anything it simply no longer bothers me. I do not care. Looking back there are many reasons I did not like to be noticed and most of them stemed from this idea I did not want people to figure out who the reals was. One because I felt I did not understand anyone else so how could they understand me It may not be true for all intoverts but a large step in living normally is accepting who you are and bieng yourself. If some people seem to not like you who cares? You can not please everyone on this planet. In fact you may find there are simply people you do not like. It’s a two way street. Just be yourself. Talk if you want do not talk if you do not want. You will be rejected by some people in your life no matter what you do no matter who you are
Very good points that we should be true to our natural personalities without feeling bad about it!
When it comes to stopping the show and pointing at us though, I still think it’s rude and annoying. Introverts love to observe situations before jumping in, and I wanted to tell the world that that preference is valid and should not be ridiculed or discouraged. Some adults can be particularly bad about putting the spotlight on a child who is actually just about to join a group, and I’m hoping they can learn to restrain their natural tendency to think before talking.
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