Thank you to LT for sending this in!

Of course we have great introverted leaders all around us, in business as well as politics. Listening to others and understanding what’s going on and what needs to be done are lot more important than speaking the loudest, talking constantly about nothing, and being pushy. But – do any of you have some good tips for this young introvert so that she can show her leadership skills to team members?

Dear IntrovertZone,

i am 19 year old extremly shy girl… engineering student.. staying in a hostel… i joined a local ngo to teach the local slum kids.. i had never interacted with kids… i am the only child of m parents… but i decided to join coz i wanted to experience working for ngo… and i found it interesting… ok … i wouldnt give myself up entirely.. but teaching once or twice a week seemed a good idea… but now because i was so regular and others made excuses coz they had to go out with friends… our project head asked me to be the next project head… but i have nevr been a leader!!!!!! i said yes… but now i am apprehensive… wil i be able maintain my team members?

Photo credit: familymwr

Dear IntrovertZone,

Within in the last year, my mom has mentioned to me a couple different times that she wonders if I (along with herself and my younger brother) may have Asperger’s syndrome. I was somewhat shocked because I’ve never considered that I may fall somewhere on the autism spectrum, but now I am considering the possibility that it may be true. What I’m wondering is… how would someone know if they are simply very introverted or if they truly have some kind of “disorder”? I am 33 and have seen doctors and counselors for years for anxiety & depression who have never suggested such a thing. I do fit many of the symptoms/characteristics of someone with Asperger’s (normal to high intelligence, difficulty dealing with people, avoiding eye contact, obsess over specific topics, overwhelmed with too much sensory input, MAJOR difficulty in the working world, highly creative, etc.) Should I pursue a diagnosis? I’m just not sure what to do now that I have been presented with this possibility.

Photo credit: Creativity103

Dear IntrovertZone,

I’m 24 and an introvert. My Mom keeps telling me that I’m missing out on all the things twenty somethings , people my age are doing? I don’t understand what she means by this?

But this isn’t the only issue! Shes constantly telling me I’m being rude and I can’t fathom what shes talking about. I don’t see how any of my action , comments or responses as being rude. she gets angry at me when i don’t say Hi or try to start a conversation with people whom a literally see everyday.

An example would be me not telling her good morning when I walk into the living room.

She has told me that she hates it when I speak.

I’m sorry but I don’t understand what I’m missing out on and what I’m doing thats seriously offending her?

Photo credit: Lara604

Dear IntrovertZone,

I never gave my introversion any thought until a TIME article came out with it as a feature about two weeks ago. It really got me thinking about my own tendencies, especially the part about getting exhausted from being around other people.

I truly love being alone and cherish my solitary time, which I typically will spend with a coffee and a book. I would always get angry when people would try and strike up a conversation with me during this time, and for a long time I had assumed that I was just a jerk, particularly because I am not in any way shy. The fact that I am not shy would explain why I have long been an “undiagnosed” introvert.

For the past two years since my son was born, I would get extraordinarily tired right around dinner time. So much that I normally can’t even keep my eyes open and end up taking a cat nap while sitting straight up. I thought it was some kind of health problem until recently. Now I just realize that it is because everyone is in the house and constantly needing attention. That everyone includes my son, my wildly extroverted daughter, and my shy wife who is quite gabby at home.

In the title, I mentioned how I feel like I am going to explode, and that is necessarily an exaggeration. I need to maintain my energy in order to get work done (I work at home, which actually sucks), but find that I can’t muster any energy until everyone heads off to bed, but at that point I am usually so drained that nothing gets done. My wife is constantly trying to draw me into conversations when I just want silence and that makes me irritable. Following that up with the question of “what’s wrong” only makes it worse.

My question, and I am sure it is a common one on here is: how can I tell her about my need for silence without hurting her feelings? With a young child, I literally can’t get away from everyone for any meaningful time. The only time this is possible is during the day when I should be working, which leads to less money and financial instability. I just don’t know what to do…

Photo credit: NASA Goddard Photo and Video

Dear IntrovertZone,

Hi im a male 29yrs old. im so happy to find this website because im an introvert. i have done bachelors in commerce(B.Com) but im not good at accounts. im realy scared of doing accounting job because it involes lot calculations and should be done according to accounting principles. im so confused to choose a right career for me. i want to do a job like technician or some computer related. i dont like sales and marketing jobs, which will have monthly targets. please suggest me a suitable job for me. may be im an INTP. Thanks in advance.

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I’m so glad he wrote this and reminded me to tell you about a book I just bought a couple of weeks ago. I have not had time to read it in depth, so I can’t write a true review of it, but it’s called Do What You Are : Discover the Perfect Career for You Through the Secrets of Personality Type–Revised and Updated Edition Featuring E-careers for the 21st Century and has been out for quite a while so you may be able to find it in your library or at a very cheap price somewhere.

The book includes chapters for verifying your personality type, then it has four chapters about temperament and learning your own strengths (and which ones you like to use publicly vs. privately).  THEN, it has a separate chapter for each of the 16 MBTI personality types. The INTP looks to be the “Ingenious Problem Solvers,” so it sounds like you’re in for an enjoyable job if you find one that will allow you to use your personality type and strength!

The book ends with a chapter on putting it all together and creating your personal career plan.  Looks like a great resource for people making decisions even as early as high school!

While introverts want and need a lot of time alone, we also want to know that we are likable and that we have friends. Some of this desire is the genuine need to connect with others with whom we share understanding or at least mutual respect and appreciation. Some of it is merely because we believe we “should” be more busy socially and have more friends and activities. Sometimes it’s because it’s a holiday and it seems that everywhere we look, people are rushing around buying food and getting ready for what sounds on the surface like perfect and fun gatherings with their family members and friends, and it makes us feel like losers if our big plans are to watch a marathon of our favorite show on TV or work on our hobby alone.

Often when we hear other people talking in general about their friends, we imagine that they’re talking about an idealized group of people who are always fun to be with, even if a couple are a little quirky. They’re always glad to hear from each other or see each other, as if their lives were one big episode of Seinfeld or How I Met Your Mother. We go home alone each day and may not recognize a prospective friend if she’s standing right in front of us.

I actually remember about six years ago one woman who would never stop talking when we’d get our sons together to play and she or I would arrive at the other’s house to pick up. It would start off like pleasant chit-chat, and before I knew it we had stood on the front steps for an hour past bedtime with no end in site. Then she started calling me, leaving me messages on the home answering machine like, “Give me a call when you can!” At one point, exasperated after hearing such a vague message, I asked my husband, “What does she WANT?” He said quietly, “She wants to be your friend.” Oh. Well duh, of course! I guess a kindergartner would have known that but all I heard was one more interruption in a weekday evening.

Scrubs fans will remember this situation, but if you’re not a Scrubs fan, go to around 7:36 on this video and see this in action. Elliot is so lonely because her friends are busy doing other things, and she doesn’t even realize that the new doctor on staff has a lot in common with her and is making an overture to start a new friendship!

Potential friends are all around us. The neighbor we avoid who always seems to want to talk just when we only want to go inside and relax or go for a run. The coworker who always asks us to go for a beer after work, just when we have somewhere else we have to be. The mother of our kid’s best friend who won’t seem to stop talking when we arrive to pick up from a playdate. The acquaintance who suddenly calls us on the phone at inconvenient times, much to our annoyance.

Each of us has to decide for ourselves – do we prefer the freedom of always doing exactly what we want without having to constantly “worry” about other people stopping us to talk or bothering us with the phone? Or do we sacrifice a lot of our alone time because we want to be sure to be receptive to others around us? We have to find an equilibrium that makes us happy, and of course it’s fine to shift that equilibrium around at different stages of our lives. It’s just good to remember that we do have lots of opportunities to make friends; we just have to remember that they come in all shapes, ages, and situations.

Dear IntrovertZone,

I’m Holly, a 18 year old student in New Mexico. (I just found this website and I was completely shocked at how helpful everything is!)

I just read your “The Introvert in High School” article and you had a lot of very good points. I have two main questions that I really NEED answered.

“I remember feeling an almost physical pain in the warm sunshine of springtime, almost as if I’d suffered a loss, when really the issue was just that I felt as if I were missing life, missing out on everything.” This sentence perfectly describes what I’m feeling. How in the world did you resolve it? I know the next sentence, “This sort of feeling definitely got resolved over time, as I learned to relax and let people who liked and appreciated me into my life.”, sort of describes how to resolve the feeling but I need more of a step-by-step plan and advice. I’ve had the same boyfriend for three years now and I still haven’t let him in. It’s really starting to bug him and that worries me. The issue is that I really don’t know how to let people in! Please, help me. I really don’t want mess up my relationship with him because of this.

Photo credit: Lizard10979

Dear IntrovertZone,

I’ve always been an introvert and this was all well and fine till I came of the age where romantic relationships get more serious.

My problem is that I start to get anxious and irritable if I’m around my boyfriend for more than five hours at a time. I begin to pick out tiny faults or physically withdraw from him basically, I’ll do whatever I can to get him to leave with out saying it. The poor guy has to drive an hour to see me so, I find it hard to say the words, “Please just leave me alone”.

It is very “jekyll and hyde-esque”; I’ll be bubbly and happy when he first arrives and suddenly it’s like a switch has been turned and I just want him to get out. Believe me, this is not an issue of him doing something to irritate me that sets me off.

All of my relationships have been like this. In my last relationship living with my ex wrecked the relationship. At one point he said something that is still haunting me, “how can you ever expect to be married or have kids if you don’t even like sharing a bedroom and being around the one you love?”. And I wonder to myself, “how can I?”.

My lovely extrovert takes me with a grain of salt but I can see that it’s hurting him. I feel so guilty about not being the standard “I-want-to-spend-every-minute-with-you” girlfriend. When I googled phrases like “why do I need time away from my boyfriend” all that came up was posts about girls being upset about their boyfriends wanting time away….yeah not a great feeling.

And before you ask; yes I have had (and am on) medication for my anxiety and yes I have had a therapist. There’s no history of abuse in my life, I had a normal childhood…I’m just stupidly introverted(

Signed,
An introverted girl in her midtwenties

Photo credit: polandeze

Dear IntrovertZone,

As an introvert I enjoy spending time on my own, but it has come to the point that I prefer it to being with people. Teamed up with somewhat of a social anxiety and self-consciousness, I keep spending more and more time alone.
This is where the problem arrives. I often feel lonely and as if Im missing out on my teenage years, hence they are supposed to be the peak of your life.
Im stuck between two worlds, unhappy and needing change. Help!
Im a 16 year old female . I went through a huge relationship change recently in terms of basically changing all my friends. This helped me realise that I am not really close to anyone, and I dont get close easily.

Should I attempt to go out, meet more people? The people that Im friends with I feel dont fulfill my life so I doubt more would.
Should I just accept that I need to become more open or ignore the need to conform?

Photo credit: shane.gibbons