The Exam

A few years ago, to fulfill one of my annual goals at work, I signed up several months in advance to take a Microsoft exam. Then I proceeded to bring books and practice questions with me everywhere I went, so that I could study questions and explanations during any spare moment I got. I spent many hours studying for that exam, and when the big day arrived, I knew the material but still was a little nervous. I knew that Microsoft might create scenarios and and word the questions very differently than I was accustomed to in the books and practice materials I’d bought, plus of course most of the questions would require a lot of deep thought. I arrived at the test center a little early and was shown into the testing room. There were three testing stations side by side, each with a PC, divided only by thin dividers extending from the desk surface up a few feet toward the ceiling.

I sat at the station nearest the door and started on the test, trying to calm myself and think clearly, when of all things I heard the door open and another person was shown in to sit at one of the other stations and take the test! When I heard his mouse clicking while he answered the initial survey questions, I thought I was about to be too distracted to get into the deep thought I needed to do the exam. I think the main thing I was “dreading” was if he mumbled to himself or did something else to jar me out of the reasoning I was trying to do. He didn’t do anything wrong; the only one distracting me was myself. How could I take this difficult test with a stranger practically sitting beside me!?

Suddenly I thought about Leigh, a sweet young woman who worked in a cubicle near me at the time. I could always hear Leigh’s mouse clicking during the day, and I found the companionship just right. She’s an introvert too, and so we always enjoyed a little talking during the day and a lot of quiet but friendly work time. So I told myself that’s Leigh on the other side of that wall. That’s just sweet little Leigh. And you know what? My body “believed” me and relaxed. Soon I was taking my exam and didn’t even hear the mouse clicking on the other side of that little divider because it was only my nice gentle coworker, after all. By the way, I passed the exam.

The Video

Just last Friday night I vowed I’d get a good video of my son playing in the halftime show during a high school football game. He’s a senior, and between weather and other things that might crop up in the remaining four games, I found it very important to try to get a good video of him playing his trumpet in the show at this game. He has three solos during the show, and he told me he’d be on the 50 yard line when it came time to step forward and play each solo.

Soon after the first quarter of the game was over, I started making my way down to the fence. No one was standing at the 50 yard line, so I parked myself right there and got my camcorder out of its case, ready to go. I stood there for 10 football minutes, which as we know, is more like at least 20 clock minutes. Then of all things, a woman and three little girls came to stand right beside me, crowding me, and one of the girls was leaning on me! Would they talk during the show? Would someone jostle my arm and ruin my video? Why couldn’t this stupid woman take her kids somewhere else? I’ve been standing here forever! (Yes, I know that’s unreasonable in a public place, but that’s how I felt).

The second quarter was over soon and the band started coming out on the field. I was very tense wishing everyone else at the fence would just GO. AWAY. But then I decided to try my little trick again. The kid leaning on me was just one of my own kids, or maybe my sister’s little girl. No one was trying to be pushy or crowd me out; they were just standing with me and enjoying the show too. As soon as that last thought crossed my mind I relaxed inside. That little girl didn’t jostle me and her mom didn’t even talk while I was trying to make the video. It all came out just fine.

Consciously relaxing

I have a feeling this world is only going to get more crowded, plus of course sometimes the only way to get something you want is to wade on in there with everyone else who wants the same thing. Although I prefer non-crowded places and times, I don’t intend to totally miss out on things because of trying to avoid having others in my space when I don’t want them there. Instead I’m trying to remind myself to relax and tell myself that this is someone I’m comfortable with, someone I can totally relax with (although I’ve never seen them before).

Yesterday my son and I went to a college football game 150 miles from home, including a huge traffic jam waiting to park, a huge crowd inside the place we went for lunch, and of course sitting among tens of thousands of people before getting back into amazing traffic jams to start back home. Since it was a game against a small school, most of the fans were cheering for the same team we were, so I just looked at all those people (and carloads of people) and told myself that they are kindred spirits – and truly enjoyed the whole day even though I was the driver! The human mind has a powerful effect on the body, but of course this is going to take a lot more practice.

My reaction to crowds is still going to be affected by whether or they’re making me late for something or are going to cause a shortage of something I want, but otherwise I intend to stand my ground and even try to enjoy myself when I find the density of humans to be more than what I’d hoped to encounter!

Photo credit: hectorir

Have you ever been excited to tell someone about something that you have an interest in, but discovered halfway through the conversation you have become the listener instead of the speaker?
I have and it is one of the most annoying, and rude, things I can think when it comes interacting with other people.

Imagine yourself wanting to tell someone a story about anything. You are really excited about it and can’t wait to tell that person, but while telling your story you end up being the one listening to the other person’s story and experience with a similar experience; or even worse, it ends up in a ‘difference of opinion’ debate.

To use a very broad term, this is usually done by people who has a slightly unhealthy appetite for attention and being in the limelight. I wouldn’t be shocked if most of these people did it without being aware of that they are rudely interrupting conversations.

Everyone has a story and everyone prefers that everyone else is silent when they tell someone there story.
It has little to do with being in the limelight, for those who just want to tell the story, it has more to do with being appreciated for passing on this piece of information; be it trivial or important.

How do you think someone delivering an important speech to the public would feel if someone constantly interrupted her/him? A bit annoyed, right?

This issue can easily be made into an introvert vs. extrovert. By doing this it makes it more easier to explain what each person can do and not do to improve the situation.

If you are the extrovert who constantly feels they need to add to the discussion, this is why you might be doing it and why you need and have to stop with it right now!

• Stop and listen!
  Listening isn’t just a passive activity, it is in fact an active activity too. Listen to what the other person is saying and wait until the person has finished talking. Don’t wait for micro-pauses to jump in to the conversation, because it is not a conversation. The person is the speaker and hoped that you would be the listener this time.
  If you show to this person that you are willing to listen, maybe that will make that person more willing to listen to you next time.
• What you think is not important, this time!
  As you love to be in the limelight and share your views about almost everything, this is not the time! Someone who has an opinion about everything is called a know-it-all, and is not a positive label to receive. Be humble, swallow your pride and pretend you know nothing about what the person is talking so you can let him/her educate you about it.
  By listening, you not only show you care about the topic, but you also show you value the person and her/his knowledge and opinions.
• This is not a debate!
  Sometimes you have to accept that people have different views than you, and sometimes you have to understand that not all topics are up for debate. Ever experienced someone talking over you, telling you are wrong, questioning your views and knowledge, etc? Annoying, isn’t it? Now stop doing it to other people!
  Just because you have different opinions doesn’t mean it needs to be debated!

Try to understand that doing the opposite of what is written here is a perfect recipe to be annoying, rude and to lose friends very quickly. We all have opinions and stories to tell, but sometimes those stories are best told by the storyteller alone, without your input, views and other verbal interruptions. It’s not that your views are not important, it’s more that your views might not be appreciated all the time.

If you are the introvert who are constantly being pushed aside when telling your story, this is why you shouldn’t feel bad and how to maybe deal with it.

• Raise your voice by showing who is talking!
  For some it might seem rude to raise your voice when you talk about something neutral, but it is also rude to interrupt someone who is talking. This will show that you have more to say and are not willing to let someone talk until you are actually finished talking.
  The more confidence you show, the less you have to raise your voice.
• Tell them you are not finished!
  Simply tell them that you are not finished talking and that because you are constantly interrupted you are losing your train of thought. This is more like a guilt-trip approach, and can work if executed confidently and assertive.
  Also try to explain to them that you would appreciate if you could finish your story once in a while without any interruptions, without having to debate your story and just sometimes have your talk treated as a monologue.
  You are the one that wanted to tell something, not them!
• Stop talking to them!
  This is a last resort tactic, but if you have tried to reason with them that you would appreciate if you could be the one telling the story once in a while too, it might be time to stop wasting energy on this person. Talk with people who actually want to listen to you and what you have to say.
  Why should you pay attention to someone who doesn’t pay attention to you?

As you are dealing with a person who might obviously lack some social skills, there isn’t really much you can do. The first two are more or less attempts to change the behaviour of a person who too often never lets you have your say, and the last one is truly a last resort that I sadly think most people resort to.
Most people who think they need to add their two cents to everything tend to have far too many cents to spare, so they see you are the one not willing to let them have a go at talking.

I think everyone has been there, even extraverted people, when they have met their match, which is a scary thought if you ask me. Sadly enough, they seem to never learn from it, other than take it out on you, the introverted person with polite social manners.

This is not as easy as introverts vs. extroverts, but to explain the issue it makes it easier to use these to personality traits. As mentioned, this is something that can truly destroy any relationship, because feeling that you are never heard or your views appreciated is something no one likes. Everyone wants and needs some kind of positive attention and appreciation.
This can also be easily be transferred over to work situations, where you have the boss who thinks she/he knows everything and the employee is assumed to know nothing. Think about it and suddenly you might understand why you, as a manager, might not get the respect you deserve from your team.

Two proverbs come to mind in regards to this issue.

• Give and you shall receive.
• Treat others as you want others to treat you.

So simple, yet so true.

Next time someone has something to say, just listen and act like you are non the wiser about the topic.

About the author:
Dr. W (not that kind of doctor) has always stood up for who he is, but
it was just a few years ago he found out that he fits the introvert
personality trait (INTJ). He has always loved writing, which is why he
eventually ended up as a blogger (randomoid.com). At the moment he is
very influenced by gonzo journalism and new journalism. Most of what he
writes is based on his own experiences; and he prefers to season his
stories with facts, rather than assumptions.

Although I’ve spent a year writing about all the little situations in life that I think we introverts experience in a certain way compared to extroverts, I’m still pretty much stuck on figuring out exactly what I want in life. I know myself well enough to know that I don’t really “want” dozens of friends and I don’t “want” a wild social life with lots and lots of parties. But I do believe I want to enjoy more in-person time with my sister and her family and with my mother, and all of them live 150 miles away. And I believe I want to (slowly) get closer to a few more friends, because relationships can enrich our lives in a way that I can’t even describe. For both of those, I am having to remind myself that although my preferred weekend is totally free and unplanned,if I don’t make plans with my family I won’t see them except on special occasions. And although on any given evening I’m happy to read or do something with websites, I won’t be getting closer to my friends if I never see them, and in fact they may not even realize I like them very much. So dealing with that essential, “What do I really want” question and its answer is my main personal goal right now.

What about you? I’ve seen from the comments that we have some very intelligent, thoughtful readers, and maybe you’d like a chance to write a full blog post. If so, please email me cb @ introvertzone.com with your idea – just a rough idea of a topic is fine. This offer is open to introverts as well as extroverts. We can always learn from one another, as long as all comments are helpful and respectful.

If your idea is accepted, then you can write your post and send to me. The post will include an “About the Author” section linking back to your blog or Facebook profile or whatever you like.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Photo credit: elly jonez

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1. Don’t let others (including yourself) put you into a box!

Most people set goals, be it personal or professional. These can be daily, weekly, monthly or yearly goals. Some people even have five and ten year plans. But how many actually meet their goals? And if not, why?

Sure, sometimes outside influences can be an issue, but usually it’s something the person has done personally. A lot of the time the biggest obstacle stopping you from accomplishing your goals is yourself. The follow tips can help you get over yourself and get your goals accomplished.

Dream, but Stay Focused

It’s great to have lofty dreams of what you want to accomplish, but if you want those dreams to turn into reality, you have to stay focused. And you have to work at it. Quite often you’ll have a goal in mind (owning my own house by the time I’m 25) but haven’t worked out the details on how to make that happen. Plan out what you need to do to make that happen and then do it!

Most goals worth having require hard work, sometimes years of it. Break it down into smaller steps, so that the task doesn’t seem too large. Taking a dream one step at a time will not only keep you on goal, but will help you to see just how doable it really is.

Practice

So, you want to be a world-renown architect and you seem to have a gift for it? Having talent in a chosen area and succeeding are two completely different things. Get over your desire for instant celebrity and practice. After all, practice does make perfect, but in this age of reality TV and instant stardom, that’s very easy to forget.

Tell Your Inner Critic to Shut Up

Ever heard of self-sabotage? Bet your inner critic has. Quite often as we’re working towards a goal, our inner critic says such wonderfully helpful things like “You can’t do this”, “You aren’t smart enough”, and “You’ll never reach your goal.” The key is to be aware of this negative self talk and tell it to shut up. There are lots of books that deal specifically with turning negative self talk into positive self talk.

Be Bold, Not Scared

Setting goals and meeting them can sometimes be pretty scary, especially if that goal means drastically changing your life and going against your nature. If your goal is to work in Paris but you are nervous about moving away from friends, family and everything you know, you could find the closer you get to that goal, the less you do to make it happen. When this happens you have two choices: change your goal or, take a deep breath and push through.

Another thing that helps is to continue to remind yourself why you want the goal and what the positive results of accomplishing that goal will be – sometimes it is easy to let the fear of something, such as social anxiety overwhelm the joy that the could come of making the goal and facing the fear itself.

Have any tips for our readers on how you got over yourself and were able to accomplish your goals?

About the Author: Vern is a freelance writer for Marriage Fitness. They offer free marriage counseling and marriage help on their website to any married couple.

Now’s when I’m supposed to say we will have a reception or a tiresome party after work to celebrate this event. No, this is a good milestone, so why ruin it with boring small talk and crowded rooms? Someday in a few years maybe we will rent a big convention hall and get together, but I guarantee you that instead of knots of people and awkwardness there will be areas in every part of the room with things to do or observe. Games to watch, animals to pet, books to look through, and other things I think introverts will like.

Happy anniversary everyone!

Photo credit: normanack

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1. Welcome to the Introvert Zone!

The “pushy” ones were the ones who would declare, “I’ll be in charge of the..[whatever],” for an event, or in the case of the hospital stay, they’d arrive ready to be entertained, just when I’d be sleep-deprived, in pain, or otherwise NOT ready for visitors, and of course if there was a new baby involved that made them all the pushier.

I’ve made it a point to have a lot of “considerate” people around me, both introvert and extrovert, but there have been two situations where my trying to be considerate has backfired terribly. And now that I know about personality traits and different peoples’ different preferences for how things are done, it’s totally clear to me: We shouldn’t always treat people as we would want to be treated. We should treat them as they want to be treated. It sounds pretty obvious, but in practice it was harder to realize before I knew I was an introvert.

The first circumstance where I found that my being so considerate hurt me was when I first started working for an innovative, big-picture kind of guy. I’d email him questions and wait for his answers, or I’d email him to tell him why something was going to happen later than expected, and I thought I was doing a great job of keeping him informed. But then while I waited, I started noticing that other people were getting their answers from him! They were able to proceed with their work while I was waiting and being very ineffective.

I’d ask, “How did you get an answer from him? I emailed him two weeks ago!” Yep, I didn’t know the best way to deal with an extroverted boss. I’ve learned since then by watching the extroverts. They don’t groan when the phone rings, do they? They don’t dread someone sticking his head into their office to ask something. So now I go directly to the bosses or other extroverts because I understand that’s how they want to be approached.

The second circumstance is so much worse in many ways. I had a really sweet friend I saw mostly on the weekends when we’d have a quick cup of coffee while our kids were playing. We had a lot in common as far as our lifestyles and day-to-day issues, and we talked about a lot of personal stuff and had a great time doing so. Then gradually we stopped meeting because of schedule conflicts. One day one of my kids came home from school and told me that my friend’s oldest son had leukemia! I was horrified and full of sympathy, and as I read their CaringBridge site I could see that she and her husband were splitting their time between the children’s hospital here and at home taking care of their younger son. She updated the page often, so I knew she had a laptop at the hospital. And I knew from the experience of having one of my parents in the hospital that the last thing anyone needs when they rush home for a quick break is the phone ringing!

So – ever the considerate one, I composed a long email offering my support and telling her that I’d be happy to pick up their younger son and take him with us to dinner and a movie sometime while she and her husband tended to their older son. I thought that would give them a break and give the youngest guy some happy normalcy too. I never heard back from her, but a few years later after her son was in remission, I happened to see her on the sidewalk. I tried to stop and talk to her, but she was extremely cold to me. I started, “When Andrew was sick… I emailed you..I was going to take Michael…” and she interrupted me, “Our email box gets so full we don’t even get all our mail.” Oh, OK.. I’m sorry you never got it..I didn’t know. Once again she interrupted, “Anyway, the email is John’s (her husband) department!” Then we smiled our fake smiles and said nice to see you – and I’ve never seen or talked to her again. I learned then – if your friend is an extrovert, it’s better to be the annoying phone or doorbell ringing than it is for your friend to think you’re neglecting her.

None of this is to say that we have to be “fake extroverts,” of course! I intend to be a happy, normal introvert and people will just have to like me the way I am. But when there’s something important to communicate, I’m going to try to be very conscious of the audience and his/her preferences. That’s the only way I can be sure my message is received!

Photo credit: Annie Mole

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1. When things go terribly wrong in life, the introvert may retreat

This is a guest post from my friend and fellow introvert Nick at stretchd.com – The Art of Challenge. He writes about using challenge as a personal development tool.

This is part one of a two part series about dealing with the introvert or extrovert in your life.

For the extrovert…

You love going out all the time. You love talking about the latest reality television show. You love to gossip about the popular girl down the hall, you know who I’m talking about, the one with all guys drooling over her.

You just gotta know everyone’s business.

Before you start calling me a bastard behind my back…

I know this is just a generalization and my intention is not to attack you. For the sake of this post I think it’s important to illustrate the contrast of the introvert compared to an extrovert.

That said, how do you deal with the person who does not respond to all of your good-time, free-flowing, high-level energy? Or doesn’t want to get into the National Enquirer type conversations…

How does an extrovert deal with an introvert?

The first things first, recognize that their personalty traits are not abnormal. Just like your outgoing nature isn’t unnatural to you.

If you think you are going to pull them out of their shell and fix them, you are wrong.

They don’t need to be fixed. Would you try to fix a car that was working perfectly fine? I guess you would if you were a crooked auto repair shop.

Don’t be that.

There is nothing more disrespectful than a blatant attempt to change someones personality. By even attempting this, you will just alienate a potential friend. You should know that the introvert probably thinks of you as shallow and not terribly intelligent.

The introvert sees your extrovert personality as a mask, a phoniness, and because of the amount of your extraneous chitter-chatter, probably doesn’t trust you.

If you talk smack about every one else why wouldn’t you do the same about them?

In order to deal with the introvert, you will need to prove them wrong. By lowering your energy level, showing a genuine interest in the introvert (not the obvious fake stuff), and making it very clear that you are not attempting to change them, a level of trust may begin to form.

You must also keep in mind that the introvert simply does not need you. They don’t need your attention, your flattery, or your social connections. They are quite happy in their introverted world. Remember, they don’t get energized by being the life of the party like you do.

As an extrovert, that may seem hard to understand, but it is true. In fact, you may need them more than they need you…imagine that.

Dealing with an introvert takes patience, kindness, and an understanding that people are different. In the words of D.H. Lawrence, “One man isn’t any better than another, not because they are equal, but because they are intrinsically other, that there is no term of comparison.”

What is something that you wish the extroverts in your life knew about introverts?

Forward this post to any extroverts that you think need a little education.

Stay tuned for part 2

-How to deal with an introvert

Photo credit: Ed Yourdon

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1. Love and the introvert

I’ve been working with a consultant or other sort-of-stranger all day, doing my best to learn, to be professional, and to make small talk when needed. Then on the way home I start to think of things that annoy me or worry me or generally make me unhappy, and I almost manage to start crying before I make it home from the office! In fact, if I run into someone in my inner circle, I may want to start an argument – a pointless, circular argument which no one can ever win. What the hell’s wrong with me? I finally found out years ago, before I even knew I was an introvert. It’s a people-overload (introvert) meltdown!

I can’t believe I never figured out about meltdowns on my own; it took someone else to point it out to me. On the day in question, I had to go on a day trip with one of the executives of the company I worked for at the time. He’d told me to meet him at 6:30 am and we’d ride together to a division office 120 miles away, where we’d evaluate their need for his pet software project and talk to them about what was available. This was a nice guy, always friendly, but of course I didn’t really know him. It seemed like a reasonable thing to him; I’m sure he didn’t want to go alone. I mean, who would want to make a two-hour drive alone, when they could have an acquaintance/coworker with them? (ME, that’s who)!

I met him as requested, and we made the drive to the remote office. He was very nice, and he did most of the talking. I really enjoyed talking to him, and I learned that his attitudes toward employees were really great; I was really lucky. Then we spent the entire work day with employees of the remote division, discussing software, having the group lunch, of course, taking a tour of their manufacturing facilities, and finally, finally setting out for home. In fact, on the way home he told me that his wife was an introvert; she’d told him that meant she recharged her energy by being alone. I wasn’t quite sure about what that meant (it’s been about eight years, before I became enlightened), but I was interested to hear it, so we talked for the whole two hours back to our home office.

FINALLY I drove home, and the guy I was dating came over. We were supposed to go grab some dinner, but somehow I started an argument. And in fact, I was so wound up and tense, I really wanted to cry. The astounding thing is, instead of getting angry or arguing back, he said, “You need to be alone. I’m not mad, but I’m leaving and I’ll see you tomorrow. You need some alone time.”

“Noooooooo! Don’t leave!” I protested, but luckily he really left. And the most amazing thing happened. Instantly I didn’t feel like crying anymore. I went into the kitchen and fixed a nice little dinner, grabbed the book I’d been trying to get some time to read, and proceeded to dive in to both. I was happy in no time!

Most of you are probably a lot more self-aware than I was, so maybe you know about meltdowns. But if you didn’t, you might want to start noticing – if you’ve been overloaded with social stuff or other interpersonal time and you’re starting to feel depressed, argumentative, grumpy, mean, or like a spring that has been wound too tightly, please don’t waste another second before you go have a refreshing break alone. You can’t feel the least bit guilty for taking that break, because the meltdown is evidence that you’ve gone ‘way past your normal limits.

It took too many years for me to understand it, but if I push myself to be with people, past the point where I can comfortably deal with them, I may just have to burst into tears at the end of the day. That would be a disaster if done in front of coworkers or really anyone else but now that I know the cause I’m a lot better at heading it off. I recognize that pre-meltdown feeling and realize, it’s time to enjoy unwinding, un-tensing, and introverting!

Photo credit: valentinapowers

When things are just “comfortably” bad, like when I was a kid and teachers gave homework right before spring break, or later as adult when we found out we weren’t getting raises at work, I could grouse and bitch with the best of ‘em. But when I’m deeply worried about a loved one or worse still, grieving a loss, then I wish I didn’t even have to deal with most people. Even the very first time, when I was a teenager, that I knew someone close to me was going to die, I didn’t tell anyone at school at all. I didn’t want to talk to my family about it either. To me, having to do the daily small talk or worse still, dig into “my feelings” with well-meaning others was like scraping an open wound.

I’ve been through that situation, or at least worrying about a loved one who was gravely ill, now several times, and each time I’ve found that I usually tell one or two people only. Those people will have in common that I feel close to them and that they won’t make things even worse by trying to minimize my worry or bother me with foolishness when I least feel like dealing with it.

A few years ago, my dad had to have bypass surgery, and we were told that he might not make it because his heart was so weak. While others gathered in the waiting area full of conversation, admiring nearby toddlers, and just having a nice visit – talking to pass the time, I tersely requested that I be called on my cell phone as soon as there was any news. Then I walked the halls and the parking deck at the hospital. Alone. Maybe it would have been different if I’d had a husband there. I was married at the time, but my husband was kindly taking care of both of our small children. So faced with the horrible thought of losing my dad, I had to be alone in order to minimize my horror and pain.

I’ve done the same thing several times now – each time I’ve been faced with devastating news or a situation that was so full of dread and worry that I could hardly stand it, I’ve had to take off alone. During these times, small talk is excruciating.

I remember having to go to work one day after visiting my dad in the ICU at a hospital. No one else in the office was aware that he was back in the hospital or in such bad condition, and I didn’t expect them to be. But as I sat down at my desk (we were in cubicles at the time) a young extrovert actually stood on his own desk to look over the cubicle wall at me and say, “Smile, Christie!” I picked up my phone so as not to have to entertain him with my situation. It was all I could do to keep myself calm and do my job, and never have I wished harder for self employment!

We lost my dad a few years ago, but of course like anyone else I still have occasional other things to worry or at least be anxious about, and I always wish I could just be at home while I’m waiting to hear. The medical procedure my 84+ year old mother had to have under anesthesia. The biopsy surgery my cat had – when the vet told me that 90% of lumps like that on a cat would turn out to be invasive cancer. Each time I’ve been waiting and worrying, I’ve tried to avoid those who will not understand or who will come and annoy me when I least feel like it.

Check out the below verse from the book of Proverbs in the Bible. I’m not trying to shove religion down your throat, not at all. I just thought this was a really wise thing, and it’s funny that Solomon expressed so long ago and so well the feeling I’ve had all this time. This translation is from the New International Version Bible.

Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.
Proverbs 25:20

For you other introverts, are you like this too? Do you try to be alone or with only a select couple of people when you’re dealing with sadness or worry? And for extroverts, this post explains why your normally pleasant friend may avoid everyone when things get bad.

Photo credit: diongillard

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1. How introverted do I want my life to be?

Like many of you, I have an oddly diverse assortment of friends. I’ve often felt bad about not ever doing “enough” with most of them, and in fact I think a couple of friends have dumped me over the years for that very reason. If I say yes to dinner, then they ask hey, can we also go to the world’s longest yard sale? If I say yes to getting together for a long walk, then they ask if after that we could go see what Sally’s up to. No matter what I do with some folks, it’s never enough. And when I have plans with some of these people, I almost feel a little dread, up until the very moment when I’m really with them, doing whatever we planned. So my gut reaction really isn’t that I want to be with them, but I always know I’ll be glad I did. I really thought that was what my social life would always feel like, and that seemed a little more like work than fun, frankly.

Now I have a relatively new friend to do things with though, and it’s totally different because she’s an introvert too. When we have plans to do something together, I always really look forward to it without reservation. I actually didn’t think much about introvert/extrovert a couple of years ago when we first started doing things together, so I didn’t realize she was “one of us.” I soon found out though! The first time we decided to go see a chick flick, I was driving, and I asked as I pointed the car toward our area, “Um, did you want to go somewhere else now?” and she replied, “No, I want to go home and recharge just like you do.” Cool! So I took her home then I went home to recharge just like my natural preferences wanted me to.

Although you and I have fun writing and talking to each other on Introvert Zone, being able to talk about these introvert things in person in real time with someone is an extra treat for me. I’m an INFJ and my friend is an INFP, so we see things very much the same way – and in a way that a lot of the world would never understand. We talk about our offices or other acquaintances, or even about her recent follies in the world of online dating. Who else but an introvert could she tell how much she despises the phone and has to tell guys that she doesn’t want them to call her! And then we each go home, and we don’t talk to each other or see each other again for maybe two weeks or maybe a month at a time. I make plans with my extrovert friends too, in between, and they are very nice and fun too. But while they keep going and going and going, I can usually only hit the high spots with them. They’re like awesome condiments, without which my “meal” would be too bland, but I could never try to do things regularly with them as often as they do them.

If you don’t have a good friend who has a personality type very close to yours, I urge you to keep your eyes open for this person. He/she probably won’t be the person who talks your ear off at a party or comes to bend your ear while you work on your car or yard. Instead, this will probably be the person who quietly offers to take care of your pets while you’re on vacation or gives thoughtful advice about technical things to those who ask. We introverts definitely need our alone time, but there’s another kind of time that’s really cool too and doesn’t just drain our energy away. An introvert friend can get us out into the world a little bit, in a very comfortable and enjoyable way!

Photo credit: wilhei55