Introvert Zone » Family and Social Life

We can’t always treat others as WE’d want to be treated

cb — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 23:46:14 +0000

I’ve always enjoyed people I thought of as “considerate.” In fact, before I knew I was an introvert, I mentally divided my friends and acquaintances into “considerate” vs. “sort of pushy.” If I announced an occasion coming up or had some major life event happen, the “considerate” people were the ones who would ask, “How can I help?” When I had my first child, one such friend actually sneaked into my hospital room to leave me a gift while I was asleep.

The “pushy” ones were the ones who would declare, “I’ll be in charge of the..[whatever],” for an event, or in the case of the hospital stay, they’d arrive ready to be entertained, just when I’d be sleep-deprived, in pain, or otherwise NOT ready for visitors, and of course if there was a new baby involved that made them all the pushier.

I’ve made it a point to have a lot of “considerate” people around me, both introvert and extrovert, but there have been two situations where my trying to be considerate has backfired terribly. And now that I know about personality traits and different peoples’ different preferences for how things are done, it’s totally clear to me: We shouldn’t always treat people as we would want to be treated. We should treat them as they want to be treated. It sounds pretty obvious, but in practice it was harder to realize before I knew I was an introvert.

The first circumstance where I found that my being so considerate hurt me was when I first started working for an innovative, big-picture kind of guy. I’d email him questions and wait for his answers, or I’d email him to tell him why something was going to happen later than expected, and I thought I was doing a great job of keeping him informed. But then while I waited, I started noticing that other people were getting their answers from him! They were able to proceed with their work while I was waiting and being very ineffective.

I’d ask, “How did you get an answer from him? I emailed him two weeks ago!” Yep, I didn’t know the best way to deal with an extroverted boss. I’ve learned since then by watching the extroverts. They don’t groan when the phone rings, do they? They don’t dread someone sticking his head into their office to ask something. So now I go directly to the bosses or other extroverts because I understand that’s how they want to be approached.

The second circumstance is so much worse in many ways. I had a really sweet friend I saw mostly on the weekends when we’d have a quick cup of coffee while our kids were playing. We had a lot in common as far as our lifestyles and day-to-day issues, and we talked about a lot of personal stuff and had a great time doing so. Then gradually we stopped meeting because of schedule conflicts. One day one of my kids came home from school and told me that my friend’s oldest son had leukemia! I was horrified and full of sympathy, and as I read their CaringBridge site I could see that she and her husband were splitting their time between the children’s hospital here and at home taking care of their younger son. She updated the page often, so I knew she had a laptop at the hospital. And I knew from the experience of having one of my parents in the hospital that the last thing anyone needs when they rush home for a quick break is the phone ringing!

So – ever the considerate one, I composed a long email offering my support and telling her that I’d be happy to pick up their younger son and take him with us to dinner and a movie sometime while she and her husband tended to their older son. I thought that would give them a break and give the youngest guy some happy normalcy too. I never heard back from her, but a few years later after her son was in remission, I happened to see her on the sidewalk. I tried to stop and talk to her, but she was extremely cold to me. I started, “When Andrew was sick… I emailed you..I was going to take Michael…” and she interrupted me, “Our email box gets so full we don’t even get all our mail.” Oh, OK.. I’m sorry you never got it..I didn’t know. Once again she interrupted, “Anyway, the email is John’s (her husband) department!” Then we smiled our fake smiles and said nice to see you – and I’ve never seen or talked to her again. I learned then – if your friend is an extrovert, it’s better to be the annoying phone or doorbell ringing than it is for your friend to think you’re neglecting her.

None of this is to say that we have to be “fake extroverts,” of course! I intend to be a happy, normal introvert and people will just have to like me the way I am. But when there’s something important to communicate, I’m going to try to be very conscious of the audience and his/her preferences. That’s the only way I can be sure my message is received!

Photo credit: Annie Mole

When things go terribly wrong in life, the introvert may retreat

Does budgeting our people-time mean introverts are snobs?

cb — Sun, 09 May 2010 12:23:33 +0000

Whether we think of introversion as a matter of spending energy when we’re interacting with others and recharging alone, or as becoming overwhelmed and overstimulated by human interaction, and resting when alone, we definitely know that being with people comes at a cost. We can’t possibly do every social thing that our extroverted friends are doing, even if we really think each event would be fun. We have to budget our social time. If we over-spend, we may get very grumpy or withdrawn, and worst of all, we’ll feel miserable until we can get our alone time we so desperately need.

I decided to try to look at this from an outsider’s point of view to see if I can learn anything new. I’m asking myself: Since we have to be selective about who we spend our time with, does that sort of make some extroverts’ accusation of introvert snobbery or aloofness a little bit true? Are we insulting people by our picking and choosing who we spend our time with?

I can see myself thinking, “Hmmm..I don’t think I’ll heat up my lunch right now, because Ron’s in there and he’s going to talk and I really don’t want to be with anyone…,” but later deciding, “Joe and Dave are going for a beer after work, and those two are so funny I think I’ll go too!”

So am I saving myself for only the cream of the crop as far as people to spend my precious energy on? Or is it more a matter of time and situation?

We have to be discriminating in who we spend our people-time on, because of course some things we just have to do, because they’re good for our careers or necessary to keep peace in the family. Then there’s the matter of how much people-energy we’ve spent on a given day or week. If I’ve been in close contact with other people for hours on end, I don’t care who’s going out for a beer, I just want to get away by myself! But if my family and closest friends are unavailable for a couple of days, I find myself seeking out people I like very much but usually don’t spend much time with. That sounds as if I consider them second tier or that I’m desperate, so I wanted to examine what’s going on.

The real issue is that I only have a certain amount of people-time in my “bank,” and I try to spend as much of it as possible with my family and a chosen few others. If I’ve spent all my social-hours, I actively avoid others, although I always hope and imagine that no one notices. At a conference or other gathering, when there’s a break, I head for the vending and restrooms off a deserted hallway, even if it’s much farther away than the one the growing knot of people is occupying. I know all the ways to get from Point A to Point B without getting detained by “quick question” and other things that will delay me and interrupt what’s going on in my head. There can be lots of nice and fun people there, but if I’m spent, then that’s it

As I said though, I really like most of the other people I see too, and they’d be great to be with if only I had the people-time. But this is sort of like how I’d love to have a new sofa: I know it’s not in the budget, so it’s not going to happen. Maybe it be a good idea to consciously insert one of these people in place of my usual people and events sometimes, but of course I love my routine with my family so much that it takes a conscious effort to make plans with someone new.

So – although as an introvert I may have an “A list” of people I spend most of my people-time with, I’m really not trying to insult anyone. Likewise I may consider certain other people even nicer, smarter, and more fun to be with than some of the people in my inner circle. I just can’t afford to deal with anyone else right now!

Photo credit:Jeff Keen

Be selective about your activities, but do the important ones anyway

cb — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 03:56:02 +0000

Sometimes we’re accused of being snobs or disliking society in general. “OK, just be that way! You’re antisocial!” We’ve all heard that when we say no thanks to the fourth lunch invitation that week or to yet another party with coworkers. Of course there’s nothing wrong with us, any more than there’s something wrong with someone who has a different blood type or hair color than the majority of a group. And of course we don’t necessarily dislike people, or most people… – we just can’t do everything everyone wants to do with us. We have to be selective.

When I go to my favorite restaurant for lunch, I usually have quite a pleasant dilemma because I really want this dish, yet I am sort of craving the taste of the other one… but everyone understands that I have to pick just one. The same is true for activities that involve other people, too, although everyone may not understand that! We have to prioritize and do the things that will matter most in our lives. It seems obvious, of course, but when we’re busy living life sometimes it’s easy to forget, just like I did over the past month while I became overwhelmed with Christmas and plumbing disasters at home.

I’ve finally reminded myself that I am going to have to deliberately allocate my precious time and energy so that I get the most “bang for my buck,” so to speak, and keep my life moving in the direction I want. If I look like crap when I don’t get my hair cut, then obviously I need to make an event on my Google calendar reminding me to get it trimmed every 6 weeks. Likewise, if I’m ashamed to have family and close friends over to my house, then it’s time to bite the bullet and have that maintenance done. Those are important to my quality of life now and in the future, so I’ll have to say no to some less important things in order to make them happen.

So what can I cut out? Well this past weekend a really nice coworker got married and invited our whole group. I like him very much and wish him well, but I knew that would be an energy-draining affair that no one would really care whether I attended or not – so I sent my regrets plus a nice gift. It felt great to do that, freeing up several hours of a treasured Saturday, plus avoiding the small talk hell of a wedding. Now of course if it were my sister getting married, I’d have to suck it up and go, or at least think of a bulletproof excuse!

Sometimes, like during Christmas time, we can’t seem to catch a break. There’s no avoiding the crowding and a lot of the craziness. So during those times, I’m still going to deliberately do the things that are important to the general quality of life, even when I’d prefer to have the good old routine instead. It’s just going to be a matter of self discipline, just like we all have to use in other areas of life, whether it’s saying no to another warm brownie or going to bed before we want to just because we know we want to be sharp the next day. I hope that since I’m learning to relax and just be myself, a normal, happy introvert, maybe those detours to the hair salon or to talk to a handyman won’t “cost” me so much and I might even learn to consider them just part of the bigger routine we call everyday life.

Photo credit: Jo Jakeman

Of course I don’t want to go, but an ask would be nice!

cb — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 20:53:45 +0000

Sometimes it’s easy to feel lonely just because of all the wild activity we see (and imagine) all around us. We hear about parties and other social gatherings to which we weren’t even invited, and of course we see evidence of such events all the time, even at the supermarket. People are busily buying snack foods before “the big game” or party foods during the holidays, and we imagine their beautiful homes filled with great friends and family having an awesome time. And yet here we are, all alone with our textbooks or TV or just a cat. Sometimes a pang of loneliness can sneak up on us and feel like a real physical pain that must be addressed.

In my own life, loneliness like this can be a useful reminder. If it never hit me at all, I might be content to spend almost all of my spare time totally alone and never make the effort to nurture friendships when I didn’t feel like being with others. Since loneliness sometimes tells me that I am “missing” being with others, it serves as a motivator to make sure I’m seeing my friends often enough to keep strong relationships, to clean up the house even when I’d rather read, and in general to make sure I’m maintaining the friendships and family ties that mean a lot to me – even if it’s one of those weeks or months when there’s so much else to do that I’d really like to just veg out after work each day.

Although loneliness, like other pain, can serve a purpose, much of the time loneliness is not useful and is instead just a bad feeling about what we think we’re missing out on. Since we see commercials about getting ready for parties or huge holiday gatherings, we think we should be doing those things too. If we’re still in school, we hear other people talking about the wild weekend they just had, and we immediately feel an emptiness as we think we’re missing an essential part of high school or college. When I was in college, I felt that I should be going out more, and that I should have a huge gang of friends who ran around together constantly, but I could not see the obvious: I really didn’t want to go out any more than I did, and I didn’t want the same people around me all the time or too much of the time. Really, although I only had a few people I would have called close friends, and they didn’t know each other at all, I had created a life that was just right for me. The only thing that was really bothering me was all those “should”s nagging me all the time. I really just wanted to be asked to loads of parties; I didn’t actually want to go!

In middle age, I’m still susceptible to this, but I’m getting better at analyzing my feelings quickly. I live in a city that’s 150 miles from the one where I grew up, so I don’t have family here except for my own kids, and I don’t have old friends from high school or college here either. So when I see others getting ready for gatherings where they’ll watch their own college team, I feel a bit like an alien. There’s no way I would really want to go to a party to watch the local university play football; I have my own team in my home city. But I sometimes feel lonely because no one has even invited me. I have to stop and remember that what I really want to do on Saturday afternoon is exactly what I am doing! Likewise, I’m aware that there are “supper clubs” or other social gatherings going on all around me in my new city, and I could stop and think that I’m missing out on “life” – perhaps I’m not invited because I’m not married and most people my age are. But when I really stop and ask myself if I’d want to be part of that sort of life, if I’d like for my phone to ring now with an invitation, my answer is of course not! Maybe some people would think I “should” be entertaining more and going out more, but once again, I have my life just the way I want it. I have a few good friends that I do various things with, and I have my kids at home too, so most of my weekend time is spent with them. This holiday season, instead of letting the media and store displays make me feel as if I’m missing out on life, I’m going to enjoy seeing decorations and festivities without that nagging feeling that I “should” be having a party or going to more of them.

If you feel lonely, try to analyze whether you’re really lonely or if you’re really just wondering if something is missing. Maybe your loneliness does mean you should make an effort to meet some people whose company you’ll enjoy or to get together more often with those you already know. But if you have friends and you’re happy with those relationships, then don’t let the world make you feel as if you “should” have a certain number of friends. Likewise if you’re going out as often as you want to and you’re really happy doing what you’re doing, then go ahead and accept that and enjoy being happy! When you hear about a party and feel that feeling of failure and loneliness, ask yourself if you really want to go to the party – or if you would have just liked to be asked. Often once I ask myself that question, it’s enough to make me realize I’m so glad I don’t have to think of an excuse for yet another occasion – and I look at my quiet evening ahead with renewed appreciation and anticipation!

Photo credit: dpstyles

Be nice to your introverted family members – they’ll be there when you need them

Introvert micro energy management

cb — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 18:24:21 +0000

Most of us introverts are conscious of how we have to be careful to allocate our days and people-energy to the people and things that we care about most in our lives. We want to spend time with loved ones and other friends. We need to give our very best to our job, and that may include interactions with coworkers. I’ve always been conscious of making sure I don’t have social events too clumped together on the calendar. It goes without saying that if there’s a wedding I absolutely have to go to on Saturday, then I’ll most likely turn down an invitation from a friend for a Friday night movie or Sunday dinner. I hate having to choose something that I don’t want to do over my real friends or family, but sometimes it’s necessary. I also try to avoid needless errands in order to preserve my time and energy so I’ll be at my best with friends, family, and work.

Although I’ve always made the effort to keep a ratio of at least several open evenings for every one social evening, lately I’ve become more aware that I need to manage my energy on a “micro” level too. A few months ago I went to a family reunion full of people I genuinely wanted to see, but after a couple of hours I was so exhausted I desperately wanted to close my eyes or even take a nap. My department has bimonthly meetings for our whole staff, including lots of training, team meetings, and dinners, and I really like my coworkers but in the August meeting I was totally wiped out by early afternoon. Since I really want to be able to participate in family and office events, I had to consciously make a plan for my energy management – not just planning the other days that week, but managing my energy within the day and event itself.

The first event where I tried my new plan was the October staff meeting. Like the August meeting, this one lasted just about the whole day, including a group lunch at our meeting tables. After the work day was finished, we were all supposed to go dinner together. So when I woke up that morning, I knew I had about 12 solid hours of togetherness ahead of me. And of course I had thought about that 12 hours of togetherness quite often over the several days preceding the meeting too. Here’s how I managed to make it all the way through the meeting and dinner without getting exhausted.

At the August meeting, I had tried to be extra vivacious and talkative, because I had decided that introverts don’t get heard enough at meetings. It went great at first, but then suddenly that afternoon I was exhausted and didn’t really recover from my zombie-like state until I got home that night. For the October meeting, I decided to be more conservative with my energy. I did the group activities and answered questions when they were directed at me, but I was a lot more quiet and relaxed – I was myself. This was really the key to making it through the day. I was like a cell phone on standby – not using energy as fast as when I’d been forcing lots of talking and laughing last time.
Many of the guys bring their laptops to the meetings and either type notes during the day or respond to emails or …something. I almost did that, but then I realized that during meeting breaks I would have to sit in the meeting area to return emails and browse the web. I decided to leave my laptop at my desk, so every time we had a break, I’d retreat to my desk to return emails or do other things on the laptop. After I ate my lunch with the group, I had the rest of the lunch break to use my laptop at my desk while the others used theirs at the meeting tables we’d been at all morning.

After this meeting was over, we had a two hour break before dinner. An extrovert invited me to go for coffee with him and a new employee, and believe it or not I went! I just stayed relaxed, comfortable as an introvert, and enjoyed talking and laughing a bit before we returned to the office.

The next time I needed to plan out my energy for the day was for Thanksgiving Day. My family and I drove 150 miles to my sister’s house to be with her and her family, including my mom. I love everyone who was in that house, but I was a little concerned that I’d be totally exhausted by the time I tasted the sweet potatoes. (I know the last two occasions when I’ve arrived at her house I was already out of energy and thought it had been the car ride that wiped me out).

Usually when we make a drive as a family, we all talk to each other all the way to my mom or sister’s house. It’s not really continuous and it’s not intense, but this time I brought a James Patterson thriller and read some while the other three people talked for the two and a half hour drive. No one minded or was offended. We’ve all brought something to do in the car from time to time, depending on what we need to get done that weekend. So by the time we arrived at my sister’s, I felt as if I’d been curled up in my favorite chair with a book – happy, refreshed, and eager to see everyone.
Of course when we got there I jumped right in to help my sister, and since we get along great and I know where she keeps most stuff, I was able to help – and a lot of the time I wasn’t even talking. I was taking things to the table, going out to the extra fridge for sodas for the kids, or whatever else was needed. That gave my “conversation center” another rest, before I even needed it.
By the end of the day, my nephew suggested we play a family game – a game of strategy with dominoes. Being able to just enjoy playing the familiar game, talking when appropriate but without the focus being on the talk, let my battery last all the way ’til time to go home.

Of course these were positive occasions with very nice people. What if I were preparing for a full day of less friendly fire, such as intense meetings with an unhappy customer, a day in court, or similar? I realize my poor battery would drain a lot faster due to the stress alone, but at least I am learning to relax and realize I am not a loser when I don’t try to make unnatural chitchat. I’m an introvert – smart, thoughtful, and sometimes quiet.

Photo credit: Sea Frost

Holidays and the introvert

cb — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 22:46:04 +0000

If you’re an introvert who celebrates any of the late year holidays, then sometime around the beginning or middle of October you probably became aware of a nagging thought that it’s getting to be that time again. If you have family members to love, then your thoughts about the holidays are not all bah humbug, of course. We treasure these days to get together with people who love us unconditionally, even if they never quite figured us out. But something about too many hours of togetherness, work parties where our attendance is all but mandatory, and even being unable to even run the simplest errand in late December without loud, pressing crowds, are not exactly relaxing thoughts. There’s really nothing I can do to help most of those things but I thought we’d all feel better with a post about holidays and a chance to share some stories. Also, it can make us all feel better as we go through the next month and a half if we know we can come back to this post to tell horror stories – and hopefully find humor in them.

When I was a child and even a young woman in my first job, I truly loved all holidays just like the media tells us we do. A few years later I moved away from my hometown so then I was in the position of staying overnight vs. just making day trips when there were major holidays. Also, I got to my first company that had a holiday party each December on the busiest weekend of all – the weekend right before Christmas. Oh sure, I didn’t get to see my coworkers enough during the week; I’d absolutely love to devote the last Saturday night before Christmas to spending the evening making small talk with their spouses and desperately looking toward the door, the band, anywhere except where I was sitting. I especially love a good crowded mall, with the noise level so high that it seems like my ears are ringing, and parking lots so full of life it’s a wonder I make it out of there without a dent in my car.

But enough of that bitter-sounding stuff. I know we’re all in different situations. Some of us have family to spend the holidays with, which will bring with it the need for some recharge time. Some of us have nowhere to go, and maybe we’re OK with that, but we have coworkers and onlookers who will prod, “What are YOU doing for the holidays?” Here are some ideas I have – please feel free to add to them in the comments!

If you go to spend days and nights with family, of course sneak in some recharge time before you end up getting so uncomfortable you hurt someone’s feelings. Take a “nap,” which really might be just being alone in your room, or take a walk, bike ride, or whatever you can manage. Don’t underestimate the value of just 30 minutes to say, “Ahhhhh…” in pleasure, as you’re finally alone. I lost my sweet dad a few years ago, and my mother is in her 80s. I’m just about as introverted as they come, but I am looking forward to the holidays this year, just thankful to be able to spend them with her, my sister and her family, and my own teen-aged kids. So don’t let your abrasive aunt or critical cousin ruin the holidays for you or make you avoid family gatherings. If you have loved ones you want to be with, then be sure to do that if you can.
If you have no family around and are considering spending the holidays alone, be sure that’s really want you want to do. Sometimes someone far away will invite us to come to their home, and our knee-jerk reaction might be to say no thanks. But then as the holiday starts looming, we might wish we had taken more time to make that decision. I think it’s perfectly OK to say, “That sounds nice! May I let you know in a few days, when I see how things are going at work?”
If you really do want to spend the holiday alone and have some good movies/books/projects in mind, I think it’s fine to be vague when the real pushy people demand your itinerary. I’m talking about the ones who will steamroll right over you, saying, “You’re coming to our house, and I’m picking you up at noon. No arguments!” With them I think it’s fine to say, “Oh, I have some family dropping in, then I might go visit some friends…”
If you dread being lonely and are going to be alone, animal shelters need people to feed and care for animals 365 days a year, and of course human shelters and soup kitchens are in the same boat. Their regular volunteers might have been hoping for one or more days away. So make arrangements in advance – in case you need some training of some kind – then you’ll know you will be happily engaged that day – a great day you do not have to go to work but will bring some comfort to others.
Do some chores ahead of time so you can coast later. Often I spend two solid weeks in December cleaning my house, running crazy last-minute errands to buy things I could have bought anytime (baking ingredients, tape, batteries,..), searching for holiday stuff I know I put somewhere, and similar things. A couple of years ago in a last-minute panic it dawned on me. ”I could start finding my Christmas tablecloths on Halloween from now on!” :) So today I actually went to the supermarket and bought the common baking things like brown and white sugar, and I’m also already starting to do the decluttering that will make cleaning easier each week the rest of the year. My purpose is to have time to relax during the next six+ weeks. Time to relax and enjoy rather than feel anxious and time-urgent.

Of course there are many more facets to the holiday dilemma. There are in-laws, parties – especially if you have an extroverted spouse or partner, neighborhood gatherings, stress, and many other things. What’s your survival plan for the holidays?

Photo credit: 416style

Four times it would be great if introverts had extra batteries

cb — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 00:53:48 +0000

As I’ve told you, I truly love being an introvert. I can’t describe to extroverts the elation I feel when I know I have a good long stretch of time where I can read, write, or do whatever I want. But of course I live in the real world where every day is not a normal unencumbered Saturday, so there are times when I wish I truly were like a cell phone or laptop and could just swap out my battery for a freshly charged spare I would always keep nearby. Here are four of those times:

1. Visiting family and friends. My extended family lives in a city about 150 miles away from me, and they are wonderful people. When I’m with them, I wish I could move back to be near them and just see them anytime I want. That would allow lots of casual, shorter occasions, of course. Since I live so far away, most people would assume that when we have a special weekend or holiday I would stay with some of them at least one or two days in order to have a visit that’s longer than a few hours. But I don’t, or not more than once a year. I do enjoy having a longer visit, but I feel a strong need to leave and be alone after just a few hours. If I could just swap out my battery halfway through the visit, I think it would be perfect.

2. Long meetings or interviews. I once went to a doozy of an interview where I flew to Chicago, was driven to a company’s headquarters, then was interviewed by a long string of people. By the time the fifth guy came to get me to take me to his office, I could have hardly told you my own name, much less the names of any of the people I’d talked to so far. I didn’t get that job, big surprise, but maybe I could have done a bit better if I’d been able to put in my fresh battery right before starting the interviews.

3. Party time. If I’ve been at work with people all day, the last thing I want to do is go straight from work to an occasion where there are more people to talk to and interact with. Really, even if I had another battery to swap out, I just love to have a certain amount of alone time each day because I enjoy it! But if there was a company party or other party that I think I’d better not miss, what a great thing if I could just change out my battery right before leaving the office!

4. Working with and learning from others. There has been more than one occasion when I would have benefited my career a great deal by working more closely with someone else and learning something more advanced or at least forming more of an alliance with him. Usually the person has been nearby, willing, and very able to teach me a lot, but I just love to be alone so much that I very rarely take advantage of that kind of opportunity. In fact, I have such an opportunity coming up soon, to work one-on-one with an expert in my field, all day every day for a week. Yikes! If only I could just change out my battery sometime between the end of the morning’s work and the beginning of the small-talk lunch we’ll go to, I’d be unstoppable.

I’m very happy to be an introvert, because I find enjoyment in the simplest things and I never have to spend time with someone I don’t even like in order to feel good. I wouldn’t mind having that magic battery sometimes though. Every introvert must have his/her own occasions when they would truly like to enjoy having some extra energy to enjoy being with others. What are yours?

Photo credit: arbron

Introvert does not equal doormat!

cb — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 23:38:46 +0000

In the past few days, a reader named Bella has left comments on the post about how asking an introvert for an outrageous favor may make us hate someone, or of course a more accurate way of saying it would have been that we’d avoid someone. In Bella’s case, it is her own sister who asked an outrageous favor of her, and Bella would like to know what to do next time, since her sister totally ignored Bella’s straightforward statement that she will not be doing this again. Her comments and my responses are here.

We don’t know what Bella and her sister’s relationship is like otherwise, of course, but it looks to me like her sister is definitely not worried about inconveniencing Bella or even annoying her. So what would be a good way for Bella to get across once and for all that she does not plan to drive 30 miles each way daily whenever her sister takes a trip? I’m going to tell you my reaction as well as that of an ENTJ I asked, then I am asking you to leave comments below. One of us is going to come up with something that feels right to Bella.

My opinion: If this were a coworker or casual acquaintance, I’d indulge my instinct to avoid this person like the H1N1 for a while! I know that’s not the correct approach, but when someone treats me like that, I, an INFJ, really don’t want them around at all. But this is your sister, and I assume you want to keep a good relationship with her. Maybe it’s time for her to look at you in a new light though. If you can stand it until she goes on her next trip, have a nice time with her when you do things together, but then when she springs the cat sitting on you at the last minute, say calmly, “No, I’m afraid I won’t be able to.” That is all. You do not owe her any excuses, reasons, notes from doctors, anything at all. You’d already warned her, so here it is. Don’t be upset or snappish, just say it calmly. There are plenty of cat sitters out there as well as vets with boarding, and once she scrambles to find one once, this won’t happen again.

One ENTJ’s opinion: “I’d leave a big mound of cat food and big bowl of water so the cats would be OK, but I wouldn’t go back over there after once.”

We’ve all been in this position. Sometimes we are too damned nice! But why can’t we be our nice selves without pushy people running right through our boundaries? Maybe it’s time we conflict-hating introverts learn to take care of ourselves in a way that leaves us still speaking to everyone but commanding some common person-to-person respect, too. Readers?

Photo credit: tim eschaton

Asking an introvert for an outrageous favor may make him hate you

Introverts need time alone, but we can also get lonely

cb — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 20:34:24 +0000

For the many years I didn’t know what an introvert was, I told people close to me that I guessed I was a “loner.” It was the only way I could describe the fact that although I might chitchat and joke around with others when we were all together, when it came time to run errands I enjoyed just taking off alone. It usually did not occur to me to ask someone if they wanted to come and look at [clothes, sofas, books, plants, cat food] with me. After all, I was the one who needed whatever it was, and I can definitely think better and make better decisions when no one is talking to me. As I’ve said before, I have a lot of great friends I’ve made over the years, and I really enjoy their company. But it’s just in my nature to head out on my own when I need to do something. For lack of a better term, I used the term “loner” to label myself quickly when people would express hurt at being left out of all the fun I was having. (Sadly, the news media and people who just don’t know any better often use that term to mean someone who’s actually antisocial: one who hates society and may even do active harm like mass shootings).

Although I need to be alone a certain percent of my time, and I have a blast when reading or doing other things on my own, I’m also capable of being really lonely. Once in a while I have found myself in a situation where I was alone for a weekend and wanted to do something with a friend but for some reason the ones I’d try to contact were unavailable. Maybe it was a holiday weekend or just a coincidence, but I have found myself alone on a weekend with no plans at all and realized I was terribly lonely. By late on a Saturday afternoon of such a weekend, I have actually been the one who’s raking or weeding in the front yard, talking to any and every neighbor who walks by, or walking a few miles, hoping I’ll run into someone I know as I go. When that happened, I wondered – am I not a loner like I thought? What happened to the woman who loves to run out alone to do her own thing? It just didn’t add up! The answer is, it’s not that I want to be alone all the time. I like people and enjoy them very much. I just can’t be with people all of the time. I am an introvert.

As an introvert, my battery has to be charged, just like the battery of a laptop. When the battery is fully charged, a laptop runs great and is quite valuable. No one would say a laptop is weird or bad because it has to be recharged. We simply learn that that is how laptops are designed so we make sure we charge them before we need them. Extroverts are more like basketballs. As long as someone is there doing something with them, basketballs have plenty of energy, which they get by being bounced by a person. When they are left alone, they aren’t bouncing anymore. No one would say that a basketball is useless just because it doesn’t jump off the shelf and bounce by itself. We understand that basketballs need people to give them the energy to go.

If you love to run errands alone or love to eat lunch at your desk at work or anything else like that, don’t let anyone make you feel as if you are “odd” or “aloof” or worse still, “antisocial.” If you recharge your batteries best when you get some time alone, you are most likely an introvert, and just knowing that is so awesome and explains so much. Now you know why you start feeling anxious in a long meeting or when house guests won’t leave. That feeling is totally expected for introverts, and now you’ll know that you need to break away – alone – in order to feel and function at your best. Likewise now you can understand why you may feel lonely today, when it was just yesterday you were craving some time alone. Introverts are normal human beings (despite what you may have heard) and of course we need others. In fact we form very strong and deep connections, when we find people we really like and like to be with. Once we understand our needs for companionship vs. solitude, we can come closer to the right balance where we get plenty of blissful and refreshing alone time, yet we never get all the way to lonely.

Photo credit: paulotavio

Be nice to your introverted family members – they’ll be there when you need them

cb — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 01:29:38 +0000

I’m not trying to insult extroverts here. The reason I’m writing this post is because it seems that all we do sometimes is to talk about introversion as if it’s a problem to be overcome. “How to…. if you’re an introvert.” “How introverts can manage….” Although we introverts often don’t think about it this way, introverts have some truly valuable qualities which are part of our natural personalities. Today I want to highlight one of those qualities using two examples of real people whose situations I know very well. I’ll bet you know people like these too.

Joe is a super nice guy. Any time his name is mentioned, someone blurts out what a great guy he is! He’s always offering to help friends and neighbors, and his door is always open. Joe never gets enough of being around his buddies, and he’s also happy to stop and talk to anyone and everyone. There came a time when Joe’s sister needed his help, and he assured her he’d help her the next weekened. The sister, being a reliable person who never made a promise unless she meant to fulfill it, thought that was wonderful! What a super great guy Joe was! Well, Saturday came and one of Joe’s friends called with a huge project he was getting into. Could Joe lend a hand? Sure! Joe spent the whole weekend helping his friend. The next weekend the same thing happened. Finally his sister turned to other people for help, and the next time he saw her Joe asked her, “Why did you do that?! I told you I’d be happy to help you!” Was Joe having a case of early dementia? Or was he just totally unreliable?

Jenny has always been a really sweet woman. She’ll do anything for anyone, and if someone drops by when she really needs to be working, she still entertains them with a smile, although she knows she’ll be working late into the night after they leave. She has a large circle of friends going all the way back to childhood, and she makes lots of commitments to help them as well as to serve the church she attends regularly. Jenny’s elderly parents are really sweet too, and she loves them dearly. When she goes to visit them, she has a wonderful time talking to them, telling them all about her job and her life. The funny thing is, when their health got bad, she didn’t notice. She’d even mention, “Oh I wish I could come next week, but I signed up to head up a committee at church..” or “I’ve been meaning to visit, but I told Chelsea I’d help her shop for an interview suit today.” It would never occur to her to disappoint her friends or other church members. Did she have no real feelings at all? Why was she just trying to please strangers all the time instead of her own family?

At the time these things happened, I tended to judge both Joe and Jenny very harshly inside my own head. I wondered, but never asked aloud, if both of these people just trying to “win a popularity contest!” Did they really only care about having other people say how great they were, and to hell with their own family and loved ones?

No, actually they are both really loving people who mean well and think they are taking care of everyone! You see, Joe and Jenny are extroverts. They’re both extremely nice people, and it just happens that their attention is directed at the external world. Friends and others have the same access to them that family members do, and they truly think they are doing the right thing when they say yes to the world.

As an introvert, my focus is much narrower. I have some great friends, but I never make a commitment to outside activities that would keep me from being available to an aging relative or my own children. I do notice, with great sadness, when a family member starts to decline. When one of my parents or children got sick, I have always continued to put in a normal work day unless the situation was severe, but I definitely considered social time with friends or coworkers to be unnecessary distractions until the situation was resolved. In short, I put family first no matter what, and I know a lot of introverts do.

We may not be the fun person who works the room at parties, and we may try our best to get out of going to weddings or Uncle Dave’s 60th birthday party, but when someone close to us really needs us, we introverts are often the dependable person who cares deeply and will be there. Some of us feel very dutiful, while others are full of overwhelming feelings of wanting to take care of our families. Either way, we’re right where we are needed.

I know there are plenty of extroverts who are caring for loved ones in all sorts of situations right now, but once again, this post was intended to highlight a wonderful quality that comes as part of the package with most introverts. If you have an introvert in your family, maybe this will help you to look at him in a different, appreciative light. Sure he may be grumpy when it’s time to go out or have friends in, but if you ever really need him, I’ll bet he won’t leave your side for a minute until the storm passes.

Photo credit: D Sharon Pruitt