Reader wonders how to become friends with an introvert


Dear Introvert Zone,

First of all, thak you for all posts here. They have opened my eyes and helped me understand so many things which did not make sense in the past.

I would like to befriend someone but it’s been difficult getting through. Based on posts here it seems he in an introvert. My question is, should ask him if he is an introvert? I would not want to be blunt.
I want to let him that I know understand some of his reactions and I will try to be more respectful of his personal space.
Another question, he seems not to notice beautiful women (nor men) at all. Is that another trait?

I am so excited about your replies.

Thank you


Photo credit: neversaynunca



  1. I’d suggest starting small, by having short conversations with them, maybe work up to longer conversations. If you ask them on a friend-date (or a real date :)), suggest something fairly low-key like a walk or invite them out to tea. Use the opportunity to get to know them better, and let them get to know you better—don’t dominate the conversation and set a “you get to listen to me” tone to the friendship! Ask them some questions, and eventually I’ll bet you find a subject that they’re very passionate about. Then, go with it! At the end, I’m sure they’ll be happy that you expressed interest in them, and will be more open to continuing your friendship in the future.
    heather´s last post ..A New Chapter

  2. No! please… don’t ask him if he is an introvert. You can see that on his actuation if he is an introvert or an extrovert. Start up a conversation with a question like “how are you doing?” “From where are you?” questions that can obliged him to answer. If he answer in one sentence and feel like doesn’t want to add up then rest assured he is an introvert, then think of your next step.
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  3. Hi!

    I think it needs lot of patience to befriend an introvert. My friend had a personal experience as he was trying to befriend someone who was not opening up easily. The thing he did was, shared everything with that friend, spent more time with him, did not speak on the topics that he was trying to avoid but spoke more on general topics etc. Thus, within two or three months he also opened up gradually. I think you need to do be patient and do the above. I hope this helps.
    Steve´s last post ..“I was embarrassed, that was embarrassing…”: Say So Long to Embarrassment!

  4. As an introvert, I’d have to say that the prospect of someone setting out to be my friend seems kind of creepy. Ordinarily, friendship just happens. You spend time with someone for whatever reason (work, church, school, etc.), get along well, discover common interests and beliefs, and pretty soon you’re friends. To pick someone with whom you haven’t gone through that process, and decide you want to be his friend…I guess my first question would be, “Why?” It seems like there would have to be an ulterior motive, like hoping it’ll develop into romance. Nothing wrong with that, and starting with friendship is a good idea, but knowing that might affect the answer a little.

    If you really just want to be friends, for whatever reason, then….just do so. Friendship doesn’t have to mean talking every day and going clubbing on weekends, just because that’s what it means to a lot of people. It can mean dropping an email once a week or so when you run across a poem or article you think he’d appreciate, or noticing something’s bothering him and offering a sympathetic ear (without being pushy). Let it come naturally, and don’t try too hard to define it. As Steve said, be patient.

    As for whether introverts notice attractive people (which is why I guessed there might be a romantic angle here), yes, we certainly do. We may not show it, though. In the same way that we tend to keep our thoughts to ourselves instead of blurting them out, we tend to keep our emotions under wraps until we feel safe expressing them. If the real question is, “How can I tell if he’s attracted to me?” then it may take time. If he wants to spend time with you, that’s an easy tell; but if he mostly keeps to himself, you’ll have to look for subtler signs. Watch how he acts around you compared to how he treats other people. Maybe he’s not clamoring for your attention, but does he talk to you more than to others? Does he smile when you walk into the room? Does he do little nice or helpful things for you? Introverts are often more comfortable showing their affections than expressing them out loud, so pay attention to his actions.
    Aaron B.´s last post ..Hey, Are Those Bracers +2?

    • Aaron B. I loved your post on this site. Do you happen to have a facebook account or instant messenger of some kind? I would love to ask you for some friendly advice on a situation of mine. If you can’t or don’t I respect and understand that. But if you could. I would LOVE IT!! 🙂 Thanks so much. Miki Montes
      Mikki´s last post ..Introvert needs some solitude before he explodes!

  5. Something I run into, is that (especially introverts) some people just don’t want to talk very much, and frequently avoid others so they won’t get “trapped” into a conversation. If this is the case, I try to take cues from the person. If I ask how their weekend was, and all they say is “fine”, I might continue and ask if they did anything interesting. My responses are usually shorter as well, and I try to not go into any length about what I did that weekend.
    I believe that if the person can feel “safe” that they won’t become trapped by me, they will eventually start talking to me, knowing that I AM listening, and that the conversation can stop at any time.

  6. I have once liked an introvert, in high school, and dated him for some time. It did not work out but that’s another story….
    If you would like an introvert to like you, you have to be patient and get to know him/her. Begin with everyday questions, ‘how are you’, ‘what are you reading’ etc. then try to get to know what are their interests and start short conversations about those topics. It will build up with time.
    Good luck!

  7. It can mean dropping an email once a week or so when you run across a poem or article you think he’d appreciate, or noticing something’s bothering. | 😛
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  8. Personally it wouldn’t offend me to be asked whether I was an introvert, as long as the person understands that introversion does not equal shy or anti-social. But the consensus on here seems to be that you shouldn’t ask so maybe you should go with them. 😉

    Getting to know an introvert is difficult, but I’ll speak for myself as a member of that group. Or non-group, considering the nature of introverts. With me, when forming a relationship, the other person usually has to take charge and drive it- at least at first. This might make me seem a little distant or indifferent initially but believe me I am anything but. I don’t like my personal time being encroached upon but I also tend to respond better to those who don’t completely keep their distance either. By this I mean emotional distance- certainly not physical. That takes a long a time for me to get used to. Show me you really care, be honest, include me in your life and I’ll respond.

    If you want a relationship with this guy show a genuine interest in him. That’s what introverts are all about- honest, deep, lasting connections. If you’re giving him the impression that all you’re offering is something casual then he will keep his distance in every way. It takes a ton of energy for an introvert to form a meaningful relationship and even more to maintain one. So we don’t tend to waste too much of that valuable energy on anything that doesn’t have the promise to be real and serious. So avoid small talk. Don’t text just to ask what he’s doing and then expect him to keep up a mundane conversation (nothing annoys me more than that). Again, show interest in him and what he thinks, but mainly just show that you want to make him a part of your life. Once you have an introvert we tend to be extremely low maintenance and it’s hard to lose us, but you do have to do the hard work to get to that point.

    As far as finding people attractive, we certainly do. Like someone else already said we don’t show it but physical beauty doesn’t escape our notice. However, most introverts usually won’t act on it because that’s all there is in that moment- aesthetic beauty- and we require more than that from a person. We need compatibility and that darn possibility of a real connection. So for me, at least, I’ll notice that a person is attractive but it’s extremely easy to dismiss physical appearances beyond that. I know myself, I know what I need to have a relationship with someone and physical attractiveness doesn’t even make the list. Personally I don’t find a person truly attractive until I’ve gotten to know them.

    So to sum up, have real conversations with him. Not necessarily deep, just real. Be ready to commit to getting to know him. It might feel a bit one sided at first but once he considers you a real friend, you’ll know it. Good luck. And I applaud you! You must really like this guy. Not many people- in fact, no one I’ve ever met- are willing to try so hard for a relationship with someone whose nature they don’t immediately understand.

  9. Hi,I think introvert like to be with their ownselves most of the time thats why they dont have enough interest in other person or girls/boys etc.In my opinion it is sometimes difficult to have friendship with introvert people.
    Pete Goumas´s last post ..Manhattanite Coupons

  10. If he doesn’t socialize with gatherings or such then he must be an introvert. If he wants to be alone most of the time then he is an introvert. 🙂 You just have to befriend that person but never ask if he or she is an introvert because it might offend them.

  11. Asking whether or not he’s an introvert can be irrelevant since so many introverts don’t even know they are an introvert or what it even means. I myself just recently discovered the term (introvert) for my “process” of living. My best advice would be to socialize with him when he’s not alone. Slowly and patiently build the trust, common ground, and shared interests. This would be your best bet to befriend him.

  12. I am blessed with having a small introverted groups of friends who understand that we all need our space. We just happen to be kindrid spirts. However, if you want to befriend this person, give him his space and be patient because you don’t want to make him uncomfortable (and thats from experience). Introduce yourself, make small talk, crack a joke, whatever. The key is make it short and sweet at first. Next time you run into him again start up a conversation. Thats how most friendships or courtships starts for me until I warm up to that person. Good luck.

      • Kevin,
        That is a tough one for me to answer because in all honesty my friends are all diverse in personality and interest. I just happened to stumble upon people who have something in common and BAM….the makings of friendship. Come to think about it, we also happen to all be water signs so there could be something to horoscopes. Finding people who are interested in the same subject as you is a random whim of fate.

        Take my friend Jamie. She loves Micheal Jackson. One day she was reading something on facebook about this group of ppl who visit his burial site to pay respects every 3rd of the month. She decides to check it out and to this day those ppl are her best-friends. The lesson: technology and forums like this sure helps.

        Hope I helped you out a bit…or not. I said my piece 🙂

  13. I can’t speak for all of us, but a big part of the reason that I like being an introvert is because most people are, in all honesty, pretty freaking boring. So my suggestion for becoming friends with an introvert is to try to actually be interesting. Don’t waste any more time than you need to on boring ice-breaker questions like “How’s it going?” “Some weather we’re having, huh?” or “What do you like to do?” Those are excruciatingly annoying questions to me. Find something interesting to talk about, or at least talk about a mundane thing in an interesting way. Try to start a conversation that that person has never had before.

  14. The best thing is to avoid a direct question if he/she is introvert. Consider it a faux pas. If you are really into friendship, there is no need to identify whether or not the person is introvert. Just enjoy the company and adapt with the attitude/character. I’m sure that there will be a time that that person will open him/herself up on you.

  15. I think befriending an introvert is easy like what you can do with anybody else. They are people too, you can say hi or hello or just smile at them. Even though they don’t respond at first, there would be the time that he/she will notice you since you always talk to them.

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