Comments on: Be nice to your introverted family members – they’ll be there when you need them

By: self storage cumming

self storage cumming — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 15:00:40 +0000

This post sounds like you’re talking about me and my brother. I’m the introvert while he’s the extrovert. I hardly go out while he’s got a large circle of friends and practically knows everyone. But when it comes to reliability and getting things done, it’s me that my family turns to. My brother just spreads himself too thin among all his commitments that it takes him forever to get around to doing things. Thanks for pointing out this introvert trait.
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By: JW

JW — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 05:45:21 +0000

Hi cb, yeah I do think that many people who are always committing themselves to help others are definitely seeking the adulation that they think will come along with behaving that way. The guy that I used in my example in my other post was definitely seeking the adulation. I heard him say a few times that people relied on him to get things done (talk about someone stroking his own ego) He acted like some kind of martyr, when really,from what I gathered, no one really wanted him to go out of his way. There were a couple of times when he would agree to do something for someone and then after he had fulfilled the request, he would complain to me about having done it. And I’m thinking to myself, “Well why did you do it then”. But that’s the thing, his narcissistic NEED for adulation was more important than actually saying no to a request. He’d put on a fake smile and take on a task and then afterward, he would complain about being overworked and never having time for himself. So any stress he felt was of his own doing. One time I had a talk with him and told him that he needed to stop running himself ragged and he looked at me like I was speaking an alien tongue instead of English. If a person acts like he’s always ready to take on task, then that’s how others will view that person. Then that person wonders why they he or she always gets taken advantage of, when really it’s of his or her own doing.

By: JW

JW — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 01:03:28 +0000

xen, that’s very true, too. Some of them aren’t narcissistic and I definitely don’t want to make it seem like all of them are highly narcissistic or anything like that. Some of them just seek a lot of approval and will go out of their way to take on many commitments, even if it means making promises that they know they won’t be able to carry out. As you stated, they are mainly doing it for recognition.

By: xen

xen — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 00:28:50 +0000

I think cb’s examples are very mild. Your example is also very interesting too, but I those extroverts who aren’t narcissistic, they are so hooked on getting approval from others they constantly “help” people to show they are “helpful”. And they mainly “help” when they can get group recognition.

By: xen

xen — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 00:26:31 +0000

I kind of have two main reactions when I try to explain and be diplomatic with extroverts. They either find me being the pushy and demanding one; or they show they truly understand, but forget their understanding the next day.

Those who actually try, but forget can sometimes be the most annoying, as they give you some kind of false hope.

By: JW

JW — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 14:50:47 +0000

Hi cb, I read the two examples that you gave and I really don’t know what to make of these people. I can’t judge them since I don’t know them and I can’t say whether or not extroversion is the reason for their behavior. But I will give an example of my own. I knew one person in particular who seemed to love to help other people and whenever I observed him (I sometimes do this in order to asses someone’s personality and patterns of behavior) it seemed like he was going out of his way to seem helpful. But the important word is “seem” because I truly believe that he is a selfish person who wants others to think that he is generous. He puts on an altruistic, helpful, caring mask but I believe that he exhibits those traits in order to gain favor with people in order to serve his own ego, because really I don’t think that he could care any less for other people. There were a couple of times that he went out of his way to help me (even though I hadn’t asked for help) and at first I thought that he was so kind and supportive, but after awhile, I began to see his helpfulness as a control tactic. He helped people in order to control his environment. I came to this conclusion because when I really needed help with something and I actually asked him for help, his response was to rudely brush me off, and I saw him do this to other people, as well. So that meant that yeah he could be helpful but it was something that was always on his terms. There were a few times when I purposely wouldn’t ask him for help because by that point I felt that he was trying to control situations, and the next thing I knew, he would say to me “You should have asked me to do that” and I’m thinking to myself “Uuuh, no thanks, wouldn’t want you to go out of your way”.

I see people like this guy as a narcissistic type. This type of narcissist can seem very helpful but it’s an act that he or she uses to control other people and build their own ego. Also, they might go out of thier way to “help” strangers and friends but they might not necessarily help their own family members.

Having given that example, I do realize that there are people who genuinely like to do things for other people and sometimes they take on to many requests and nothing gets priority. And for some reason, family concerns always end up being on the bottom of the list for these people.

I like to help other people and my heart truly does go out to others whom I see in distress of some kind. That’s always been a genuine aspect of my personality. But I also realize that people need to have priorities. If I make a commitment to help one person or I promise someone that I am going to do something, I can’t then trample on that commitment by promising to help everyone else who comes along with a request to do something for the same time period that I am committed to another request. If I do that, then everyone involved ends up getting the short end of the stick.

By: cb

cb — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 13:24:03 +0000

Very tactful there, Xen! And you’re right. When I try to broach these subjects to some of the extroverts in my life I get brushed aside like I’m trying to split hairs on a really boring topic or something. I am the faithful family nurturer/counselor, yet what some see is the person who doesn’t socialize as much as they do, who doesn’t talk nonstop, who doesn’t encourage drop-in company, etc. So at best I’m boring, at worst mean or odd.

By: xen

xen — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 13:01:48 +0000

It seems that I’m constantly showing articles like this to extroverts I know, and the next day they have forgotten it.

Seems like they have some kind of short term memory for this type of information, to say it in a diplomatic way.