Introverted student wonders if her pretty face leads to others’ disappointment later

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Trynae, a 20 yr old college student, submitted the following question:

Does being an attractive introvert make it harder to survive in an extravert world???

I’m not the most beautiful person, but I’m far from ugly. All my life I’ve been told that I’m a pretty girl. That alone always made me stand out and fit into “THAT” look of todays society. With the attention I get from some, I also feel that I dissappoint people with the way I am. I feel that people aspect more from me since I’m this attractive person. I’m suppose to be super outgoing and love to party or just simply hang out, but I’m the total opposite. People back away from me, because of that. I’ve lost friends, because I don’t like to hang out; I guess they lost respect for me. Yes, it hurts a little seeing people shy away from me, because I’m not that person that people want me to be. I don’t fit into big crowds or can befriend new females, we just don’t click. I’m just now figuring out who I am and it’s wonderful. I always felt different from others, and that’s because I’m an INTROVERT! On the other note my looks attract extraverts, but I’m far from an extravert. Which made me think of my question. Maybe if I didn’t fit into todays society definition of “attractive” it would be easier for me in life and to just be ME

Photo credit: Will Hale

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20 Comments

  1. I think maybe it does make things a bit harder. I know I have had somewhat similar experiences. People even now sometimes look surprised/disappointed/confused when I tell them I would rather spend a Friday night hanging out in Barnes and Noble than @ a club/party/bar etc. I think part of it is also your age. I’m 29 (almost 30) now, and I find as I have gotten older things have changed a little. The norm in our society is for someone who is young to party, since that’s what many people equate with a “good time” although I think its ridiculous. Add to that the way you look and it does seem people make assumptions. I think your looks make you stand out to others, and make them more interested in being around you, and extraverts have no issue with reaching out to anyone who appeals to them in any way. They also seem to assume that introverts are “stuck up” and if you’re attractive, the assumptions (in my opinion) are even more powerful that somehow because of your looks you’re especially stuck up. When you’re “different” (fyi- I too ALWAYS felt like I was different, and still do in many ways) from them (since many times they feel the way they are is the “normal” way to behave) they may react in the way which you describe. You are who you are. It’s not your fault that you are introverted, nor is there anything “wrong” with you. People really don’t have the right to be “disappointed” in you as a person just because THEIR assumptions about what they think you are/should be don’t match up with reality. You’re in college, so my advice to you would be to try and seek out those who are like yourself. When I was in college, there were always other “quiet” people in the class and those were the ones I would try to get to know, and it worked out pretty well for me. I never hung out with the “party” crowd (at least not very often) ; )

    • @ Erayna

      You hit it right on the head with your answer. Everything you stated, I feel and can definitely relate to. In highschool people did refer to me as stuck up or thinking I’m to good, because I was laid back and didnt really speak. But in reality I didn’t really have nothing to say, especially to those people. I often thought I was a loser, because I didn’t party or hang out or like you said, “have a good time”. Thank you so much for your reply.

  2. Great answer @Erayna, I’ve seen the same thing over my lifetime so far too. I also noticed when I was young that when I’d first start at a school (even college) I’d be “rushed” by lots of people full of friendly conversation and invitations. Then gradually a lot of that would taper off, and I thought “wow, I blew it, but what did I do wrong?” Now that I’m older, I realize that it wasn’t anything really negative – it most likely wasn’t that anyone consciously thought that I was boring or awful – it was just that the person some of them thought they were making so many overtures to didn’t exist at all. Instead, I was (and am) an introvert. Those were not the people I fit well with anyway, for real friendships, and now I can see that.
    I’ve also noticed other people who are new to groups I’m already a part of, such as at work. Whether the new person is pretty or whether he’s plump and bald, if extroverts are drawn to the new person for any reason, they may give them a big “rush” of friendliness complete with a nickname and invitations for after-work activities for a week, then they seem to withdraw the attention if the person doesn’t turn out to be “just like them” in personality. That’s OK! We have to back off a step or two from the situation and realize it’s just a matter of personality type and not take the ebb and flow of attention personally. It’s wonderful that you’re figuring out exactly who you are, and the more comfortable you become with that the better you’ll feel. And – enjoy those good looks! They aren’t wasted, because other introverts appreciate a pretty face too! 😉

    • @ cb

      Now that I look back, I guess my friendships weren’t “for real friendships”. I had almost all extrovert friends, now that they stopped talking to me I really have none. Since, I’m getting to know myself, I don’t take it to heart anymore. I’ve always heard that your hs friends are never really your true friends anyway, but the few who stuck with me are. I have one quiet introvert friend, they’re hard to find. I want more friends that I can connect with. For some reason I can’t click with females anymore. Yes, I’m in college, but my school has older people there aren’t many young ppl, so I really can’t aspect to find friends there. You’re right, people are drawn to people for different reasons, but it’s the personality that keeps them around. That statement goes for both introverts and extraverts.

  3. There is no reason to feel left out if you don’t click with other people. You are who you are, and you will start to feel ok with that, soon! I certainly wasn’t an extrovert and I really didn’t gel with groups of people, and you know what? I still don’t. There are many positives about it, too. I never got mixed up in the wrong crowd, and I never was really subjected to all that hurt and gossip associated with being in those so called “groups”. stay true to yourself and you will be happy.
    LNunez@Job Application Online´s last post ..UPS Job Application Online For Employment

    • @ LNunez

      Yes! I agree with you. I don’t have a group or a bunch of friends, and my life is drama free. On the other hand, sometimes I wish I had that group of friends whom I fit in with. So, basically it’s a win lose situation.

  4. I think this is perfect as long as you are fine with your introvert side. You need to find friends who are alike, and they will not judge the way you are. You shouldn’t feel the social pressure, and nobody has the right to change you. The most important fact is to know yourself, to not be afraid of new experiences and to enjoy life in your own personal style.

  5. Well I thought i was going a little nuts after leaving the band for no good reasons after 8 hard years of practice…and for years wondered about it and how i was so quiet in hi school untill i figured out who I am, just lately, I too, it seems, am introvert. glad im not nuts. explains the friendships over the years and sudden withdrawl from people.

  6. I guess the thing you need here is more on self realization. You have driven people away maybe because of your attitude. You need to make an assessment of yourself and see if where did you go wrong. If it is negative, then try to do away with it and make some changes in your character. Good for you if you are pretty because there shouldn’t be room for introversion for you if that is the case.

    • I have done plenty of self realization throughout my life, and I will be the first to admit that I am flawed. None of my flaws has never affected any relationships that I have, because all my flaws has to do with how I feel and think of “myself”. As I go on to read your comment, I wonder if you read my entire post. I felt that my old friends started to distance themselves from me because I never wanted to hang out. My whole life I’ve had extrovert friends who love to party, which I don’t. Therefore I don’t think it has anything to do with my attitude, because people want to hang with me and be around me. For your last comment, I don’t know if you’re trying to be sarcastic of what, but anyways Thanks for answering.

  7. I believe it doens’t matter how one looks from outside. It matters how you are from inside as a person. I agree that most of the time people judge you by the look and feel or sometimes how well one is dressed up but that’s only for the moment. I remember and would like to share what Mother Teresa once said: “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”
    B.Patra@Free Hindi SMS´s last post ..Happy New Year Sms – Who Else Wants Hindi New Year Sms 2012?

  8. Hi I read your post and I know exactly how you feel. I am 17 and a junior in high school. I just switched schools, I had one friend at my old school and she was leaving to a different school so I left to. I didn’t want to be a lone, I had no one else. So at my new school (in my district) I have a friend there I knew from middle school(we used to be super close and shes kinda quiet to which I like but we arent very close anymore since we went to differnt high schools) who I hang out with and she was super excited for me to come and she hangs out with a couple other girls and I like that its not a huge group of friends. but her friends are extroverts and talk about things and people i know nothing about and i throw in a few comments or questions here or there(which is pretty big for me) but after a while i get that guilty feeling like I’m not talking enough or I’m making it akward or I’m boring, etc…but I feel better that I have more than one person to hang out with because say my friend were to miss school i would at least have people to go to, I’m tired of being a lone. In class its worse, i dont talk to anyone. my classes are so noisy and overwhelming and I hate it. Kids in middle schools would always give me a hard time for being quiet and so I’ve always seen it as a bad thing. I feel that I am pretty and I think people think I’m different as well until they try talking to me they back off or dont give me a chance. But I’m glad too in a way that I havent gotten mixed up with the wrong people but like you I want friends like me to hang out with, to belong to. But ive learned that shyness/introversion is a personality trait and there is nothing wrong with it, Ive been more interested on learning about it and accpeting myself, but I will admit its hard and I’m still having an incredibly hard time being at school around all my peers. sorry this is long but its nice to know there are more people like me because at school I just feel surrounded by extroverts.

  9. Hello!!!!!! I am in the exact same boat! Growing up I had good friends but as I got into high school I blossomed and made friends with the popular crowd and never really felt good connections with them. I am now 25 and really have no girl friends. I find it so hard to connect with them. And I just get along with all the “weird” quiet people and I feel like I get crap for it because I’m pretty and they want me to be like them. I hate that society is so stereotypical in this way. Let peoplebe themselves! I would never try and make some one feel bad for being themselves! I’m just finding and figuring out myself and feel so much better after reading your blog. I like and enjoy being alone but if I can connect with someone really well, for example my boyfriend or sister then I enjoy their company too. I’m an introvert and proud if it. I am creative and funny and beautiful and I am no longer going to listen to anyone who has a problem with it and I hope you do the same! I think it’s great your a pretty face and introverted and do your own thing, it’s refreshing! Just remember jealous people will try and put you down and if you make people “uncomfortable” for being you then let them back away, they are just another typical member of society and you are something special. Good job sounds like your in the path of discovering yourself like myself 🙂

  10. omg can we date? Im like Jim from The Office, I really just want to relax by my self 90% of the time but wouldnt mind the occasional outing with friends (if I could keep any). I really feel comfortable with myself I just get lonely sometimes because I cant hold a friendship when extroverts find out Im not like them.

  11. i can completely relate. Since middle school (im in college now) Ive always had trouble making true friends because im quiet and an introvert. I hear that alot of people think i am stuck up but i am not. i wish i had more friends I could talk to who could relate to me, especially at my school full of extroverts.

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